I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

Before you married, did he live on his own? Were his parents like this?

Could you perhaps have a once a week cookery session at home with your son, like a cookery class? Education and enjoyment and good nutrition for you both. But do this whilst your other half is out somewhere he wants to be. All this to be set up well in advance with your other half's agreement after discussion of the benefits to you and especially to your son. Then perhaps a different day of the week could be an activity that your other half could choose just for him and his son, (something you don't like perhaps).
I believe these sensory issues may not be fixable, but can be worked around, like most disabilities. Your son will be learning from the brilliant consideration you have managed towards your other half over all these years. It will have taught your son empathy, consideration, patience, understanding, kindness, differences etc. The one thing that may not have be seen by your son is compromise. Hence my opening paragraph. It needs to be remembered mental health can make compromise very difficult, and needs to be done in baby steps. I would encourage your other half to make suggestions of any tiny baby steps he thinks he could attempt.
I think you have been amazing, but sympathise that your patience is running out. Be proud,, don't feel a mug x

I genuinely cannot believe you have been putting up with this total bullshit for 11 years.

I cannot emphasise this strongly enough: FUCK THAT!

If he cannot get a grip or seek help then I’d be outta there!

He needs to be told to sort himself out or live on his own somewhere else. This isn’t OK

Your son changes everything. His Dad needs to sort this out for him if he won't do it for you.

I don't even like cooking and couldn't live with this.
I think it's time to say you will be cooking, and it's up to him to deal with his issues. You are tiptoeing around a manchild.
He can get therapy. or improve extraction, add a door to the kitchen, stay upstairs, but not prevent you cooking.

this is mad
i do eat alot of oven meals as you call them but they still smell

do younever have roast dinners-and why buy/rent a house with open plan kitchen was it his idea so youd never cook

its really maniuplative

He’s a knob.

@ShowUs

YABU to want to cook all of a sudden when you’ve been with him for 11 years and it wasn’t an issue in the beginning for you

In the last couple of years, OP and her partner have become parents. It's very normal for that to change things. It's very normal to want to display healthy standards and routines to your children when you may not previously have been as worried about them or seen them as a dealbreaker.

OP is being a good parent, not a bad partner, for wanting a healthy relationship with food to be displayed in their house.

It must be very hard for you. I love cooking and would find this tricky. It sounds like your husband is on the autistic spectrum.

OP what happens at Christmas time?

This is ridiculous! Mental health problem is no excuse if he refuses to seek help

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but I have a family member who has Misophonia which is focused on certain noises and this sounds like it could be something similar? You might want to look into it and/or encourage him to try some CBT as it can help. Many people with Misophonia or phobias generally find it very hard to seek help as it will eventually involve exposure to the trigger so being supportive and positive about treatment is important. It's also common to be able to mask Misophonia around others but 'let it out' at home, and it's often directed at one person. It's awful but CBT really can help.

Why have you put MH issues in brackets? It’s clear he has an issue that is affecting the lives of people around him.

One point and one question from me:

Point: one of the most unhelpful things a parent can do is send a child, especially a boy, out into the world with no idea of how to cook. It's bad for their health, their finances, their social skills and their confidence in mastering life skills.

Question: what is he like with other household smells? Things like cleaning products, let's say. Or maybe cut grass? Or flowers? What about laundry? Is he fastidious about clean clothes and bedclothes (and I mean personally sorting them out, not expecting you to)?

Do some DIY exposure therapy and waft an egg sandwich in his direction, building up to a pie, then a chippy tea.

My ND radar is frantically doing circles, reading this. I have misophonia and sensory processing issues. I can not stand lingering cooking smells, particularly curry/fish/onions. I insist the window is opened and back door when I or anyone cooks providing it’s not arctic outdoors. I plug my slow cooker in to an outdoor coal shed (it’s part of the house but accessed from outside) which is dry and sit it on top of the tumble dryer. No smells in the house. Voila! Frying is a little more difficult but a camping stove could work if you have an outdoor space to use it in?

All that aside, I know you say it’s not controlling, but it very much is. Your OH has valid opinions and feelings, but basically controlling what you eat because he doesn’t like the smell and being quite forceful about it, is controlling in its nature. This neurosis will likely pass on to your child as they grow, and that’s really not ok.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part.

It's definitely about control. He might not be battering you through the serving hatch but there's more than way to skin a cat.

I completely agree but it’s obvious that this was going to be a big issue once they had kids.

So he should have sorted it out or at least tried to sort it out before he had kids and OP should have waited until he had sorted it or decided that this wasn’t an environment to bring a child into.

Posters can’t say that it is now not a healthy environment as this was the environment that OP and her DH decided to bring a child into.

I do think the DH needs to get help but this could take years to sort and it will probably never be fully sorted.

I meant to add for the previous poster who mentioned misophonia, take a look at the loop earplugs. They’ve been a game changer for me!

Eleven years? no word of a lie, I would have got out a long time ago. This is no way to live.

What would happen if you just cooked? Just went in the kitchen and started a spag bol?

Yes, op, do this. Just start cooking and he will have to fucking deal with it or he can leave. The way you're living is absolutely insane.

This is an MH 'thing', I'm sure. At a campsite once there was a nice modern motorhome parked near us with a hob and oven and fridge etc, but every day the woman of the couple was outside in sunshine, wind or driving rain, cooking their meals on a single-burner camping stove while her husband sat inside with the door and windows closed. When she finished they'd eat outside the van under an awning, but she didn't actually cook in the awning.

At the washing-up point one day I asked if they'd run out of gas and that was why they weren't using their own stove and oven. We had a spare bottle and I offered it. She said no, her husband wouldn't let her cook in the camper because he could abide the smell of cooking. She said the camping stove was a compromise. Before then when they were on holiday all their meals had had to be cold.

OP, all I can say is that you're allowed a life of your own and there's a fine line between being supportive and being walked all over. Did you not realise pre-marriage that he had MH issues?

Turn it back on him. What about your mental health? and nutrition? and physical health in cooking from scratch?

Why can he call all the shots and bully and belittle any attempts by you and that just has to be accepted?

Don’t ask his permission just cook. Your being tooooo considerate to him,