I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

Can't you fit one?

We did to stop cooking smells travelling round the house.

I have similar issues with noise, so i can imagine that this feels very serious to your husband and PP are being unfair that he should "grow up" etc.

HOWEVER it's also awful for you.

I think you need a totally different solution that doesn't require either of you to compromise. What about e.g. one of those garden buildings, but make yours a kitchen?

I would try and broach the subject again. Given that it has gotten worse over the years whilst you have been sticking to his rules
it's escalating isnt it, he gets a payoff because it allows him to control the household, he enjoys and/or needs the feeling of power & control that it gives him but he's not willing to acknowledge this or deal with the problem.
You're all trapped with him & by him.

@megifer I’m stealing mootpoint farm and may or may not credit you for it.

You read a lot into my comment and it seems to have angered you. There are particular traits which can signify that looking into neurodivergance may be helpful. If it is something that the OP's husband has then he may be able to seek help and ways to deal with it and the OP may have some support with dealing with these things (if she chooses to stay and if she chooses to seek this support) Knowing why someone does something can be extremely beneficial to finding a solution if a solution if that's something someone wants. I'm not sure how my comment somehow gave the impression that she should "just crack on living this controlled life and carry on bringing up a kid in this shitshow". Also the "get in the sea" comment I presume meant I should unalive myself for suggesting he may have a neurological condition - again, I don't know how the comment angered you so much. ND is not an excuse it's something to investigate to find answers and then possibly solutions.

For the sake of your child he needs to find a way through it. Not just for his current food intake (which you said is fine) but for your child to see and experience cooking and baking for himself, and so he can learn how to feed himself well when he becomes independent.

This is very important. Food is such an important source of joy in a life. Yes, you can live on junk/ready meals but the true joy of good food is a lot to deny a kid.

I’ve not voted as there’s right and wrong on both sides.

YABU to want to cook all of a sudden when you’ve been with him for 11 years and it wasn’t an issue in the beginning for you.
(For me, this would have been an issue from day 1).

He is BU to not try and compromise and get help to de-sensitise himself to it, especially before deciding to have children.

He obviously has additional needs and I know a few people like this who have sensory issues and so you’re being unfair to be annoyed about something he can’t help.
He will never be cured but he may be able to learn to cope with certain things.

Its also going to get worse because there is anxiety on top of it now too.

This should have been sorted it years ago as it is going to be difficult to de-sensitise now.

You have to remember that his sensory issue means his sense of smell is 100 times more sensitive than yours and this has an effect on his other senses and it can also cause him physical pain or sickness.

Does he work from home?

If not then I would start cooking non-smelly things when he’s at work and open the windows.
Then I’d cook something slightly smellier and keep it at this level for a few weeks.
Then every few weeks slightly increase the smellyness.

It could take years and chances are you’ll never be able to cook things like fish.

Have you got any Vick? Stick that up his nose, he won’t smell a thing.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. Completely unreasonable behaviour.

I really feel for you, I'm pregnant at the moment and my partner has dealt with this for 8 months as I absolutely cannot stand the smell of cooking, no curries or anything smelly and no toast either as it makes me feel so sick. I do have OCD and not sure if it's linked.

I feel terrible but it really stresses me out when the house smells of cooking, I feel like my head is going to explode,

However I know it'll pass and if it doesn't after birth then I'll get help for it. Subjecting you to that for 11 years is utterly selfish, has he sought any help for it?

Sounds like he has OCD, the smells part is really hard to get under control.

It’s nothing to do with control.

The longer you leave things the more difficult they get to do.
Thats why they say if you fall off a horse you need to get straight back on.

I know lots of people who’ve eaten a food which has given them food poisoning and they’ve never eaten it again.

Her DH is ND and has real sensory issues.
It would have made him physically sick when he was younger and now that it’s been so long it’s turned into anxiety/phobia on top of the normal sensory issues.

You cannot just stop being ND but you can desensitise yourself or do things to lessen the impact which he absolutely should do.

Does your husband want to be able to cook food in the house or is he totally against getting help? Cooking together and eating together as a family is so important for lots of reasons. Oven food for 11 years isnt that healthy not to mention probably very expensive.

I think you’d be surprised. Malnutrition is as prevalent as asthma in the UK. If you have a very limited diet then you are very likely deficient in some things. I hope you take a good multivitamin.

I can see why a thread like this would be a tough read but it’s frustrating when OPs come back to ‘clarify’ and minimise really awful situations.

I’m the same with cooking smells in the home. It doesn’t bother me so much if I’m cooking but if someone is, I can’t stand it. I’ve banned the frying pan.

I can't take full credit for it, its oft used on MN but its The Cunt Farm, but that seemed a bit harsh and unnecessary, tbf the comments weren't that bad 😂

@ShowUs You have to remember that his sensory issue means his sense of smell is 100 times more sensitive than yours and this has an effect on his other senses and it can also cause him physical pain or sickness

We don't know this, at all. It could be the case, sure, but there are many other possibilities too, including involving mental health, personality, interpersonal or neurological problems, we cant make any kind of supposition about the cause of the issue without much further information.

My XH was a massive arse towards the end of our relationship (not in any way related to mental health or neurodiversity issues, more personality and dickheadedness) and he got very "funny" about food, he would repeatedly develop an apparent aversion to some ingredient or other, including things I know he are before that and things he undoubtedly ate after that (eg "I can't eat garlic! Why do you make me? when he and I had spent many holidays in places like Thailand eating everything and anything). I found, years later, a list I had made at that time in the back of a cookbook of "forbidden foods", which, looked at from the perspective of time, was astonishingly ridiculous and just screamed CONTROL. It included garlic but also cooking oil, anything green, anything that smelled like coffee although not coffee itself etc etc.

I am not saying the man in this case does not have valid sensory or mantal health issues, I am just saying on present evidence we do not know.

OK I can understand having sensory issues with food cooking smells but in that case this man is not compatible with living in a family home.

I think you will have to look into "living apart together" and have two separate residences, so that you can have the basic freedom to feed yourself.

Keeping you in this situation is abusive. That's not to say he has to stop having his mental health issues I realise that isn't possible, but he doesn't have to inflict his situation onto other people.

I’ve had them since I was a child it’s not some made up nonsense for attention

I would cook at lunch time (assuming he is out until 5/6), keeping doors and windows open until 10 mins before he arrives home, and would not mention the cooking and see if he mentioned it. I understand his issue as some food makes me feel sick (curries mainly) but I can't imagine being able to smell it 5 hours after it was cooked if there is plenty of fresh air flowing through

Just tell him to "get over it". Do you understand that you're inability to do something simple like cooking is affecting your mental health ?

I mean, I couldn’t live like OP has to, but it’s definitely not gaslighting.

How did he get on growing up? Were no meals cooked in the family home?