Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't cook in my own home

808 replies

Bambambino1 · 10/05/2023 15:41

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

OP posts:
VestaTilley · 10/05/2023 20:18

YANBU. Your DH urgently needs therapy. It sounds like he’s got an eating disorder or another mental health problem. I couldn’t live like this.

Food smells do not cause breakdowns!

Goldbar · 10/05/2023 20:24

How does he plan to feed his child healthily if he can't cook or stand food smells?

That's a pretty basic requirement of a parent so "It's your job to feed him, not mine" really wouldn't cut it for me if he was my husband.

Schroedingersimmigrant · 10/05/2023 20:42

I am ate awe that you thought this was ok way to live. You gave up one of theost normal things and okeasures (for most) and your wish for oet and numerous other normal parts of life for someone who refuses to get help.

This is actually sad to read

Schroedingersimmigrant · 10/05/2023 20:43

Actually no "awe" a shock with mouth open

OriginalUsername2 · 10/05/2023 20:51

It sounds like he’s an undiagnosed ND man. He thinks the smells are making him “crazy” and feeling crazy is unbearable. But if he knew it was his senses over-reacting to stimulus, in this case smell, he wouldn’t feel that “am I losing my mind?!” panicked feeling (which may come out as anger). When you know how your brain works you can see you’re not being rational and temper your behaviour accordingly.

Both me and my DP are revolted by other peoples cooking smells in our home but I knew not to show it from my ex putting me off my own food by saying “That stinks!” or similar. I had to explain all this to DP as he wasn’t “masking” in front of cooking guests and was coming across as an arse!

PonyPatter44 · 10/05/2023 20:56

I am amazed that you've tolerated this absolute nonsense for eleven years. Perhaps your DH could get himself a pomander or something to clasp to his precious nose when smells distress him.

What a melt. How can you still fancy a man like that?

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 10/05/2023 20:56

Your husband needs to get a grip. He either gets therapy or sucks up the smells. If he is not even prepared to explore help he is basically showing he does not care about your or the child's needs. Cook on I say and see what happens!

MichelleScarn · 10/05/2023 20:56

Goldbar · 10/05/2023 20:24

How does he plan to feed his child healthily if he can't cook or stand food smells?

That's a pretty basic requirement of a parent so "It's your job to feed him, not mine" really wouldn't cut it for me if he was my husband.

Wonder what other parenting tasks he'll not be able to do either because of 'smells driving him crazy'?...

quietnightmare · 10/05/2023 20:58

I wonder what happened when he was growing up. Did his family all have to cook on the neighbour house

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/05/2023 20:58

Pluvia · 10/05/2023 20:11

This is an MH 'thing', I'm sure. At a campsite once there was a nice modern motorhome parked near us with a hob and oven and fridge etc, but every day the woman of the couple was outside in sunshine, wind or driving rain, cooking their meals on a single-burner camping stove while her husband sat inside with the door and windows closed. When she finished they'd eat outside the van under an awning, but she didn't actually cook in the awning.

At the washing-up point one day I asked if they'd run out of gas and that was why they weren't using their own stove and oven. We had a spare bottle and I offered it. She said no, her husband wouldn't let her cook in the camper because he could abide the smell of cooking. She said the camping stove was a compromise. Before then when they were on holiday all their meals had had to be cold.

OP, all I can say is that you're allowed a life of your own and there's a fine line between being supportive and being walked all over. Did you not realise pre-marriage that he had MH issues?

Yeah, that's not a MH thing. That's a controlling husband thing. He's inside in the warm while she is outside in the rain, cooking for them. Or cold food.

Control.

In the OP's case her DH may have sensory issues. But since he hasn't bothered seeking a diagnosis or support, fuck him. Their 2 YO needs to learn about food, cooking, healthy eating and balance. She needs to cook in their home with their child.

ShowUs · 10/05/2023 21:03

Food smells do not cause breakdowns!

I think you’d be better off starting a thread on the ND part on MN.

Some posters (although well meaning) who do not have experience with ND and/or sensory issues won’t understand and so you’ll get advice that isn’t appropriate for your situation.

AgniA · 10/05/2023 21:04

If he is unwilling to compromise and get himself checked/treated for a possible sensory disorder, it seems really insensitive and inconsiderate. As you say the situation has worsened, how many years of no cooking are you willing it put up with? It is also a question of your own health. You deserve it eat healthy, home cooked meals. How does he cope in restaurants, other's houses,

AgniA · 10/05/2023 21:06

And on travels? It is selfish behaviour.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/05/2023 21:09

ShowUs · 10/05/2023 21:03

Food smells do not cause breakdowns!

I think you’d be better off starting a thread on the ND part on MN.

Some posters (although well meaning) who do not have experience with ND and/or sensory issues won’t understand and so you’ll get advice that isn’t appropriate for your situation.

We have NDs and sensory issues in our house.

But the OPs DH doesn't have a diagnosis or strategies. We all know we can work on some things and maybe not successfully on others. But we don't throw our hands up and make everybody do what we want.

Otherwise DD would still not be able to wear shoes!

Maireas · 10/05/2023 21:14

Good points, @MrsTerryPratchett . The OP needs a solution.

ShowUs · 10/05/2023 21:16

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/05/2023 21:09

We have NDs and sensory issues in our house.

But the OPs DH doesn't have a diagnosis or strategies. We all know we can work on some things and maybe not successfully on others. But we don't throw our hands up and make everybody do what we want.

Otherwise DD would still not be able to wear shoes!

Show quote history

I completely agree.

But some posters do not understand the physical implications of his sensory issues.

It’s not about control and its not something that can be cured by just cooking and telling him to get on with it.

He should 100% get help as this will impact their child but it’s not as easy as just ignoring him and cooking after 11 years like some posters are saying.

mathanxiety · 10/05/2023 21:17

Inkblue · 10/05/2023 19:11

Why have you put MH issues in brackets? It’s clear he has an issue that is affecting the lives of people around him.

Show quote history

Oh there's an issue all right...

PollyPut · 10/05/2023 21:18

@Bambambino1 Does he get migraine? Some people find that strong smells trigger them. That would be a valid situation that is not a mental health concern.

PollyPut · 10/05/2023 21:24

I don't like the smell of burnt toast. I'm not a huge fan of fried or oily smells either, and some people don't like fried onions. That all seems pretty normal to me - they can hang around the house for hours and are still unpleasant later if the windows aren't opened to get fresh air in.

I have only seen an air fryer once, and it really did smell.

On the other hand there are good smells. Bread baking in the bread machine, a cake baking, a roast chicken nearly ready. How is he with those?

Also I find slow cooker doesn't usually make much smell; or if it does it's just gentle.

Motherofalittledragon · 10/05/2023 21:40

You've made an awful lot of sacrifices whilst he's made none, ND or not he can't have everything his own way, if he won't seek help I'd be leaving. Life's too short for all that nonsense.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/05/2023 21:51

True @ShowUs there's a middle ground between pretending sensory issues don't exist and accommodating them all to the point of ridiculousness!

Even in my house there a household item neither DD or I can touch without feeling really very unhappy. It should be smooth but it's rough <shudder> NT DH is utterly bemused by this. It's like talking a foreign language. He simply doesn't get it.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 10/05/2023 21:54

He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health.

If you have MH problems, it is your responsibility to learn how to manage them in the world, not expect everyone around you to change their lives to accommodate you. He needs to get MH help and get over it.

unsync · 10/05/2023 21:54

At best, that just sounds like a really miserable way to live. What about birthdays, Christmas etc? I don't think that this would be very good for your son either.

In your position, I would be having a rethink if OH is not prepared to consider seeking help. His behaviour doesn't just affect him, but his attitude to you and your child is awful and lacks respect and empathy. Has he always been selfish?

I don't know how you have managed to stay this long.

Friarclose · 10/05/2023 22:02

I have sensory issues with noise, I have misophonia and many noises cause me distress. People eating, the dog barking, kids yelling, list goes on. But, I appreciate that it's my issue and I don't get to dictate to people what they can and can't do in their home! If I don't like it, I either remove myself or put up with it! I wouldn't dream of telling DS he can't eat around me because I don't like the sound. I adjust my own behaviour to work around it. Your DH is horribly selfish, can't believe what I read. Get rid, cook a curry, get a dog. Life is too short to be restricted by other people's controlling behaviour!

Efacsen · 10/05/2023 22:04

@Bambambino1 you say quite rightly that you don't want this to continue for your child's sake - and yours too

but also that your DP won't seek a diagnosis or help with his difficulties or co-operate with you to alleviate the situation

this doesn't leave you with many choices that don't include living separately from your partner