She’s too friendly with him?

[Suspiciousmind1]

I’ve had this nagging feeling for a while about a woman who has slowly snuck into our social group. She’s a single mum, attractive, hard worker (a trait my DH finds attractive), has a fair bit in common with my DH, members at a similar sports club….

In January DH went on a sporting holiday, organised my his sports club and on it were several of our mutual friends. I was meant to go too but had to pull out at the last minute due to a sick child. Said girl went on the trip. There was a pretty active group what’s app (which I was on) prior to this and for a few weeks later, so I didn’t think much of their messages. the what’s app has quietened down and I’ve noticed some facebook messages coming up between them. I’m fine with this, or at least I was until recently, as I often message some of our mutual
single male friends.

Since the trip he’s now going to the club more frequently. I assumed it’s to increase his fitness as we’ve both piled on the pounds and are on a health kick. There have now been a few occasions where I’ve been at work and he’s taken our DC out for the day and they’ve randomly ‘bumped into each other.’ Over the bank holiday weekend a message with our mutual friends has been put on FB suggesting meal at our local pub. Guess who turns up too?
On the first May bank holiday we went to an event with some friends… who rocks up?

its all been at the back of my mind but we’re so easy going with things and trust each other to be friends with the opposite sex. However it’s starting to nag away with me. I took our 3 yo to the park last week and she recognised her daughter who was there with her dad. As far as I know, they’ve only met once. Then this morning I got a call from a mutual friend (member of the club, went on the trip, part of the extended friendship group) and this woman came up in conversation. She asked what I thought about their friendship, their messages, the fact that she seems to now turn up to everything. I honestly hadn’t really thought about it to that extent but others are now noticing.

So I did what I vowed I’d never do and I feel so bad for doing so, but I’ve downloaded his messenger back onto our home iPad (I’m sure the app has recently been deleted!!) and I’ve scrolled and scrolled through daily messages.
how’s your day? Where were you this morning (the club activity?) You two going to X’s party?
they’re sending selfies of themselves doing normal yet random things, photos of drinks that obviously remind them of their trip away, he’s sent a couple of photos of him during his work trip abroad.
it turns out she ‘owed’ him money (a pretty considerable amount) from their trip- he’s said it’s his treat! Apparently his first drink when they ‘party’ at an upcoming event is on her…
She was out at a birthday meal with me, he was at home with DC, she’s messaged him saying she’s out with me and I’m really good fun…
It goes on….

in fairness, it’s nothing more than the type of friendly banter you’d have with a friend, but other people are now talking. The messages are secret. Im only finding out about their little ‘random’ meets in passing. I’m now thinking he left a family party on Monday to do a site visit in a village where she’d tagged herself in a street party post. They didn’t meet up, but was he hoping to?

I don’t want to jump the gun here, I don’t want to confront him about messages that he would know I’ve read, I don’t want to say people are talking, I don’t want to be the bad guy here to shoot down their friendship because I don’t trust him…

I want to believe it’s nothing more than friendly banter but I’m really not sure now.

I need to nip it in the bud now though. I know this is how affairs start. How the hell do I handle it?

you sound like insecure and jelous. they are just being friends and you just said she is join every social event, maybe she feels lonely

Yes, I would be telling my DH to stamp that shit out and making it v clear to friend that you have her sussed. A simple "Please message both of us if something is needed" would suffice. Who cares if it makes you look batshit? Other people have noticed, and he is your husband. He needs to be worried about how you feel, and doesn't owe her anything in regards to what makes her feel comfortable/uncomfortable.

I agree. There's a difference between being controlling and insecure and objecting to someone taking up your husband's headspace for no apparent reason (unless he desperately needs this new "friend") which he could be devoting towards his wife and children. OP's husband sounds like he already has loads of friends so there's no reason why he needs to foster a special friendship with this woman all of a sudden.

OP, I think you are rightfully concerned. It sounds like your husband loves the attention and is deliberately playing with fire. And knowing her previous behavior, I would not trust the situation at all.

There have now been a few occasions where I’ve been at work and he’s taken our DC out for the day and they’ve randomly ‘bumped into each other.’

This is what my Dsis ex was doing when he was having an affair. Always 'bumping' into the other woman, but seemingly never bumping into anyone else. Also turned out he was making up work-related reasons to go and see her (fire alarm going off at workplace in middle of night, he's the only one who can switch it off, etc). Plus the other woman was my Dsis mutual friend. Turned out the OW had even been sending messages to DSis partner whilst stood in my Dsis kitchen having a coffee with her! Dsis had no suspicions, they were eventually caught out when a friend saw them out together when he claimed to be at work.

You DH could be an entirely naive and innocent nice guy, but something is off with this, sorry.

Taking up his head space? Is this just for female friends or is he not allowed male friends to take up his head space either?

@MsDogLady it's a very good book- and yes if you have been in this position it rings very true.

In a normal friendship with 'new' casual friends you simply don't go around giving them running daily commentaries and 'how's your day' and selfies and all that shizzle- it's dating behaviour.

@Thepeopleversuswork Yep because people cornered always 100% tell the truth - personally I find it better to keep your powder dry , observe and see what happens.

@Crikeyalmighty

Exactly.

TBH from the way the OP has described the DH’s response he has as good as admitted he has crossed a line and I wouldn’t trust him at all.

He is clearly aware that his behaviour is disrespectful to his wife.

The only way to control this situation is to remove yourself from it. Why would you allow these people to continue to humiliate you?

@Jazzyjezzabelle For me it's about context. As I said, if there's no clear or apparent reason for him to embark on this wonderful new friendship. OP mentioned that this woman has qualities her husband would find attractive. Just because a man is married it won't stop him from finding other women attractive. The question is how far he goes to act on it (and the same goes for women).

This.

@Thepeopleversuswork I don't really agree, it depends on the kind of relationship you have with your spouse and you're assuming OP doesn't know her hubby well enough to tell if he's lying or not. I agree that at best he would try to minimise the situation but hopefully she's perceptive enough to spot if he's doing this and then determine how she goes from there. I don't know what the alternative is - continue prying into his messages, hire a secret detective etc?

we haven’t really got anywhere with this. He says he was ‘probably’ out of order and will keep what I’ve said in mind but it’s just friendship

I think you need to revisit this in a day or two OP after you've both had time for this chat to sink in. What I'm not sure whether you've done is to make it clear to him that this level of contact and the gossip it's occasioning are upsetting to you, and embarrassing for you both. If you haven't you should tell him that while he might see it as a friendship because it's clearly quite intense and it's creating suspicion you are unhappy about it, and would like things to be toned way down. You don't seem to have asked him for any change, that's why it feels it "hasn't got anywhere".

To echo a PP I have lots of male friends but if I were behaving to any of them like your husband is to this woman, I would be absolutely unsurprised if my H commented on it and I would deserve it. We're all adults and people very rarely swing into suddenly being in touch with another person daily without some romantic undertone.

I also have a friend who discovered her husband's affair with the mum he and the kids kept "bumping into".

I’m pretty sure that XY is a bloke ( clue is in The chromosome reference) so I expect he is having affairs with married women. Or maybe ……

Just joking , XYXY , because I’m lying in bed feeling very sorry for myself with an arthritic flare up. I’m sure your marriage is rock solid, and you are a totally faithful spouse. That’s why you can give us all jolly good advice.

Look, don't feel bad about checking those messages. If I hadn't taken my chance when my now ex husband had passed out drunk on the couch I'd never have had my long term suspicions confirmed and he'd probably still be fucking gaslighting me and telling me I was mad for even thinking that he'd fuck his best mate's wife.

@RoseLee04

I suppose in part it depends on the ultimate gameplan and what you want the outcome to be.

No matter what the relationship is like, I wouldn’t want to remain married to someone who was constantly messaging someone behind my back when they barely spoke to me and falling over themselves to meet up with her. To the point where mutual friends are commenting.

No amount of amicable conversation or self reflecting bollocks could get me past that. I don’t see the point of a marriage to someone who is emotionally committed elsewhere and I would just be looking to get the hell out with as much asset value as possible.

I think you should organise a group meal in a local restaurant, tell both that the other one is coming but also make out mutual friends are coming too. Make sure you have the screenshots from his fb messenger as your evidence printed out in your handbag and once the 3 of you are sat down confront them both and pull out the printouts and lay them on the table. Make sure a couple of your friends are waiting in the loos and circle them like vultures. Let him know in a loud voice so your friends and everyone at the restaurant can hear what a homewrecker she is, publicly shame them and see if it happens again! There's no way they can weasel out of this one!

This is terrible advice, sorry. This just diminishes the OP's dignity and moral authority and more or less guarantees that any mutual friends will side with the DH, give them all an excuse to drop her for reasons of convenience and give her a wide berth. It also guarantees that everyone who is even slightly connected to them will get to hear about it.

If the marriage is failing (and it seems to be heading that way), the OP will need to keep her support networks, not torpedo them.

Why would the OP lie to and patronise a grown man though? Pretending to think he's unaware of what going on when it's obvious he's an enthusiastic participant. 'I know you're a good boy, but that lady is very naughty and dangerous...'
He wouldn't know whether to be more offended at being taken for a fool, or rubbing his hands at his get out of jail free card and thinking the OP was one.
They're targeting each other. Why on earth would you stage an elaborate (and transparent) pretense you think otherwise?

Spot on, you have genuine concerns about this ‘friendship’ and you have to make him aware of your concerns and the consequences of letting this predatory female wreck your marriage.
He maybe totally clueless and is walking into her lair or he is flattered by her attention and enjoys the ego boost it gives him or he could be totally aware and knows the score.
The fact messages had been deleted, the ‘coincidental’ meetings, turning up at events he’s attending are all red flags.

Agree with this.

Christ, your standards are low, aren’t they @xyxygy? 😆

@EvelynKatie ’s post succinctly sums up events.

Or knows something.

He knows he has crossed the line and she has form for cheating and affairs with married men (not that she is responsible for their behaviour though).

She's probably looking for a man who ticks the boxes to bite.
He's been enjoying the attention and hasn't put proper boundaries in place.

It's good that you have friends who have noticed and are keeping an eye as well.

The thing you need to be wary of now is if he goes back with a sob story about how he'd love them to meet up more/be in touch but can you believe my wife thought something was going on? They've both shown they can't really be trusted.

Also agree with pp that your good friend has given you perfect opportunity to say to him, a good friend, who is a mutual friend, called me to tell me that single mom and you are flirting, bumping into each other on purpose, and texting each other a lot.

Yes, I’d call it exactly as it is, in a calm and neutral tone. Because that’s exactly what’s happening. Your good friend thinks that’s what’s happening too. And so by phrasing it as such, that others are noticing and letting you know, he absolutely gets the message just in case he has been naive, which I very much doubt.

The single mom is playing a little game, it is a common game where someone pretends she’s just a nice gal befriending a married guy, or a nice guy befriending a married woman, and saying things like his wife (or husband) is a lot of fun 🙄 to hide what she’s doing.