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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ds went back on promise the first time he was allowed to walk to school

162 replies

UserABC12345 · 09/05/2023 20:10

Looking for a bit of advice.

Today was the first day ds10 has been allowed to walk to school by himself. Mainly because the school was opening early to provide support for the ones doing their SATs. I have a younger child so we normally all walk to school together.

There is a semi busy 30 mph road he has to cross. There's the option of crossing both lanes at once (which we normally do) or walking a little bit further up to cross at an island. This is slightly out of his way by about 2 to 3 minutes maximum as he effectively has to double back on himself.

He promised me he'd go up to the island to cross.

I asked him how his SATs went etc, how his walk went and I asked him outright which way he walked. Him and a mate crossed the road directly.

So, he's owned up. But basically said, it was fine, that he managed it as no cars, he was fine, I'm over protective, he was fine etc etc. He ended up crying etc.

I've told him I'm disappointed.

I don't want to make a big deal during SATs week but I don't feel now that I can trust him. It was the first time he's gone by himself.

AiBU to say he's spoilt it for himself and he needs to walk with me now.

Any advice.

OP posts:
OneFrenchEgg · 09/05/2023 22:55

I can't focus on the question because I have too many questions about islands and roundabouts.

How did the pp know that op meant a roundabout not an island?

How do you cross at a roundabout?

Is an island a roundabout or is a roundabout an island?

Are they two different things with the same name?

DappledThings · 09/05/2023 23:03

How did the pp know that op meant a roundabout not an island?
They didn't. Someone assumed OP meant a roundabout island. OP has since confirmed she meant both, confusingly

How do you cross at a roundabout?
Some have zebra crossings at each entrance and exit. If it's a single lane roundabout then the island-roundabout would function in the same way as as a carriageway island I suppose.

Is an island a roundabout or is a roundabout an island?
Yes. Or no. Depending on your perspective.

Are they two different things with the same name?
Depends where you are in the country.

FiveShelties · 09/05/2023 23:09

UserABC12345 · 09/05/2023 20:20

It's not that it's not safe, it's just safer to walk to the island.

I'm a lot older and quite frankly a lot more competent and aware than a 10yo child.

Surely as someone a lot more competent and aware than a 10 year old child you would have realised he is going to copy what you do.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/05/2023 23:12

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · Today 20:26
I think this is more a lesson for you than him OP. If you want him to follow your example, set the right one in the first place.”

This.

Original poster
UserABC12345 · 09/05/2023 23:13

DappledThings · 09/05/2023 23:03

How did the pp know that op meant a roundabout not an island?
They didn't. Someone assumed OP meant a roundabout island. OP has since confirmed she meant both, confusingly

How do you cross at a roundabout?
Some have zebra crossings at each entrance and exit. If it's a single lane roundabout then the island-roundabout would function in the same way as as a carriageway island I suppose.

Is an island a roundabout or is a roundabout an island?
Yes. Or no. Depending on your perspective.

Are they two different things with the same name?
Depends where you are in the country.

There's an island crossing that's right off a roundabout.

When a pp referred to a roundabout situation and cars exiting, it made sense in my situation - even though I hadn't actually mentioned the roundabout in my OP.

To me, a roundabout is a roundabout.

An island is a little bit of pavement space between carriages/ roads/ lanes. In my instance, the island is just off a roundabout :-)

OP posts:
BonjourCrisette · 09/05/2023 23:39

This is why I walked my daughter to school via the pelican crossing every single day of her primary school life until she was old enough to go alone. There is a quicker and more dangerous route but I wanted her to not even consider it as a possibility when it was time to go alone. We also waited for the green man every single time, even when the road was completely clear. It's a dual carriageway where people regularly speed and I just didn't want her at 10 or 11 to be thinking she could just nip across whenever.

I might have gone a bit far though because she still regularly argues with friends about this kind of thing (she's 16 and I guess most of them are happy to take a few risks).

OneFrenchEgg · 09/05/2023 23:44

Thank you for clearing up (sort of) the roundabisland issue.
I think we have a similar set up here in that I wanted ds to walk further up, realised he wouldn't, and so trained him to cross safely and to be confident and careful. It's horrible to let them walk alone / with friends when busy roads are involved.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 09/05/2023 23:52

UserABC12345 · 09/05/2023 23:13

There's an island crossing that's right off a roundabout.

When a pp referred to a roundabout situation and cars exiting, it made sense in my situation - even though I hadn't actually mentioned the roundabout in my OP.

To me, a roundabout is a roundabout.

An island is a little bit of pavement space between carriages/ roads/ lanes. In my instance, the island is just off a roundabout :-)

Show quote history

I used to live opposite one of those islands (also in the west midlands so I was confused by the use of island ) but I don't use them to cross. I lived there two years and at least twice saw the island get run over by vehicles, once nearly taking out a pedestrian. I would always walk further up the road and go across both lanes at once of a straight bit where people were less likely to misjudge the turn in or have someone undertake them etc and force them onto the island

saffy2 · 10/05/2023 18:22

I would have been mortified and been struck with panicky anxiety of when walking
tp school with a friend and came to the road o had to say ‘sorry I’ve promised my mum I’ll walk to the island’. I would have done exactly what your son did and crossed with my friend safely and competently. It was your job to teach him how to cross the road safely, if You’ve done your job properly then there’s no issue with what’s happened here. And he told you the truth. I think you shouldn’t have put that stipulation on him. And you absolutely need to stop being so overprotective when in less than 4 months he will entirely independent getting to school and back. If you haven’t given him the tools to do that by now that’s not really ok.

MadMadaMim · 10/05/2023 18:32

Against the majority here.

I would also be disappointed that we had agreed something and he decided to not do it.

I would leave it until after SATs but I would definitely be having a discussion about breaking agreements /promises.

Children need rules and boundaries. They need to stick to plans. A 10 Yr old does not yet have the full capacity to judge speed, danger level and reaction to danger, should it be required.

I'm totally with OP on this

Curtains70 · 10/05/2023 18:35

It's unreasonable to show your kid the way to do something for years and then when it's their turn to do it themselves tell them it's wrong. He's just doing what you modelled. I'm sure he was fine.

travelingtortoise · 10/05/2023 18:42

Connection over correction.

His honesty and willingness to own up to things is going to be paramount in the teenage years to come.

Thank him for that, acknowledge him for it, reinforce it positively, and let him know how important it is.

Talk to him about your concerns, so he's clear what they are specifically and why you have them.

Then tell him you know he's a smart kid who can make the right choices, and let him solve this problem.

He's capable. He's honest with you. Focus on the good here and nourish your relationship - you'll need it later.

Jlmlw · 10/05/2023 18:58

GoodChat · 09/05/2023 20:12

How is crossing at an island safer?

He's just doing what you've always done. If you don't think it's safe you shouldn't have done it for the last 5 years and taught him that way.

This.

caringcarer · 10/05/2023 19:05

I can understand why you are disappointed. The first time you trusted him he let you down. I'd be telling him he walks with me and his sister for the rest of the week. I might let him try again next week if he promised to cross at the island.

Cydonia · 10/05/2023 19:10

travelingtortoise · 10/05/2023 18:42

Connection over correction.

His honesty and willingness to own up to things is going to be paramount in the teenage years to come.

Thank him for that, acknowledge him for it, reinforce it positively, and let him know how important it is.

Talk to him about your concerns, so he's clear what they are specifically and why you have them.

Then tell him you know he's a smart kid who can make the right choices, and let him solve this problem.

He's capable. He's honest with you. Focus on the good here and nourish your relationship - you'll need it later.

Agree with this. Looking at the positives, he acted on his own initiative and was honest with you. He was upset that you were cross. I don’t know your DS obviously, but I think in future you can still trust him to follow instructions.
At this age he is going to have to start to learn how to live independently. My DS is the same age, and it’s so hard letting them go off on their own, but it has to be done.

H007 · 10/05/2023 19:13

You’ve been showing him how to cross the road in the most appropriate way for x amount of time, but then told him to do something different. I’m not surprised he copied what you usually do, he was excited and it was habit. I think you’ve told him off, but I don’t think you should punish him as he told you the truth straight away. I would have a chat with him and decide together the most appropriate route for him to take to school tomorrow and the tell him he’s got another chance. These are the opportunities we have to ensure our Y6 are as independent and safe as possible before they go to Y7 and we don’t have long left.

Elphame · 10/05/2023 19:14

caringcarer · 10/05/2023 19:05

I can understand why you are disappointed. The first time you trusted him he let you down. I'd be telling him he walks with me and his sister for the rest of the week. I might let him try again next week if he promised to cross at the island.

I agree with this.

The issue as I see it is not where he actually crossed but that he promised to cross elsewhere but then didn't.

YouCantTourniquetTheTaint · 10/05/2023 19:27

Your son has told you the truth, you've told him you're disappointed in him and there's tears.

You need to thank him for being honest, and reiterate that he can tell you anything, because if you go off the deep end here, you'll be teaching him that he can't come to you or tell you the truth as you'll react badly.

You also need to cut the apron strings, he's going to secondary school in September, he needs to learn some independence, the first step is allowing him to cross the road with his friend. Reiterate road safety, looking both ways, finding a clear place to cross, you know the basics he should already know.

My DM was really overprotective with me, and it resulted in me becoming really good at lying and hiding things. It also meant I got myself into some dangerous situations when I was young.

2bazookas · 10/05/2023 19:44

Before anythng else, you need to have a conversation about "Not going along with whatever your mates want to do, when you know it's wrong and breaks a promise". This is important because at secondary school there will be many more mates with a different upbringing; and many more opportunities to make wrong and risky choices .

To ram it home that he must keep a promise, I'd say " This has shown me you're not yet ready for solo walk to school ; you'll be walking with me"... and keep it up to the end of summer term.

FatGirlSwim · 10/05/2023 19:53

The thing is, in order to do what you wanted he would have had to leave his friend, walk a longer way, look silly and feel like a baby, and end up walking alone. His friend wouldn’t have done the detour with him or waited. Friendships are very important at this age. It would take quite a bit of confidence to do something that nobody else has to do.

I think either the road is safe to cross, or it isn’t. And he managed it safely.

I know what you mean by ‘an island off a roundabout’ and I do actually think that’s less safe than a straight road.

Skodacool · 10/05/2023 20:00

There comes a point when the have to let him make his own judgments. This is that time. Just keep reminding him of the need to be vigilant and let him go.

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 10/05/2023 20:09

A street is not a road.
Rural roads statistically much more dangerous to pedestrians than urban roads, we don't know where the OP lives.

There are idiot drivers everywhere.
Accidents happen everywhere.

Children only start to learn the skill of judging speed and distance of oncoming cars from ages 12 to 14 onwards due to the way their brains develop... you're being a bit hard on the OP

celticprincess · 10/05/2023 20:44

Probably not a hill to die on to be honest. Praise him for telling the truth. Explain you’re not happy he went back on his word. But in future it’s up to him to decide which he prefers. If he was with a friend he probably felt embarrassed to say his mum told him to cross further up for safety. If you’re saying everyone else pretty much crosses where he did and you usually go that way too then it’s pretty unreasonable to expect him to change his route. He might have also been on auto pilot.

Interestingly where we love you can walk to both the primary and secondary without crossing any roads. But the quickest way is over a road which is the main exit out of a housing estate so can get busy. We always walk the road way and I’ve always modelled how to cross etc. However, my eldest at secondary prefers the longer route around which avoids the roads altogether.

If he’s starting secondary in September he’s going to need more freedom to go out with friends after school and on weekends and explore the area more by foot, so it’s good for him to start getting used to crossing roads.

Ukrainebaby23 · 10/05/2023 21:29

Be glad he told the truth, and get him to show you when he thinks it's safe to cross. Ie go with him outside school times, and let him make the 'cross now' decision.

That's the only way you'll feel happy he's safe as he can be.

Macinae · 10/05/2023 21:44

YABU. He's crossed the road exactly where he has done with you. If you've spoken about road safety then you need to trust that.

Try not to be so eager to show disappointment when he's been honest with you, as this may come back to bite you in future.

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