Ds went back on promise the first time he was allowed to walk to school

[UserABC12345]

Looking for a bit of advice.

Today was the first day ds10 has been allowed to walk to school by himself. Mainly because the school was opening early to provide support for the ones doing their SATs. I have a younger child so we normally all walk to school together.

There is a semi busy 30 mph road he has to cross. There's the option of crossing both lanes at once (which we normally do) or walking a little bit further up to cross at an island. This is slightly out of his way by about 2 to 3 minutes maximum as he effectively has to double back on himself.

He promised me he'd go up to the island to cross.

I asked him how his SATs went etc, how his walk went and I asked him outright which way he walked. Him and a mate crossed the road directly.

So, he's owned up. But basically said, it was fine, that he managed it as no cars, he was fine, I'm over protective, he was fine etc etc. He ended up crying etc.

I've told him I'm disappointed.

I don't want to make a big deal during SATs week but I don't feel now that I can trust him. It was the first time he's gone by himself.

AiBU to say he's spoilt it for himself and he needs to walk with me now.

Any advice.

DS just has to cross Coldharbour Lane (at the lights) then walk down Shakespeare Road. Very safe, he could probably do it now. But they still aren’t allowed until Y6.

I suppose the other concern is being mugged by older kids, or hassled by drunks/drug addicts if they look vulnerable. I don’t think that is a particularly high risk either, especially at 8am, but the council may not be happy with schools taking the risk (seems to be a borough-wide policy).

:)

This is a tough one because he was honest with you, which honestly is brilliant and you want to nurture that honesty. Giving him the third degree will likely result in a natural instinct to be more cautious with what he tells you.

I’d probably have a chat about why it’s important to you that he crossed where you’ve asked him to, that you appreciate he was honest with you because it shows he trusts you. Then I would tell him that he’s also trusted, and he can try again (alone) tomorrow.

Then what on earth was your problem?
Did he not wait til it was fully clear?

You've modelled a behaviour for years. Hopefully he copied you and didn't just dive out.

Good. Job done.

If he was walking with a friend it was very silly to expect him to insist on walking further up the road when he could just wait til the road was clear. It was never going to happen, was it?

I remember when my eldest started walking home by herself for the first time- also around this time in Y6. I worked out when she'd be home and lingered in the hallway waiting for her. I was terrified she would get knocked down as she was quite impulsive. So I understand the fear. But it went away after a while and she is still intact to this day, over 10 years later!

Either he is or he isn't ready for this. If you think he is, let him do it. Yes it's easier to use a traffic island but not necessarily safer if he can't judge when to cross and when to wait.

You were wrong not to have modelled crossing where you would prefer him to cross but it's understandable that he took the shorter route, especially as he was with another child.

Try to trust him and not micro manage.

Some regions including the Midlands I believe, call roundabouts Islands. I have always considered islands to be as these pictures.

Him and a mate crossed the road directly.
I insisted on my child walking a particular way (although it wasn't a route we had particularly done together) which probably adds on a minute, for just this reason. There are crossings that need you to be more aware than others, even as an adult, and I think it's totally reasonable to want a child walking with another child to not take the most testing route. Friends are a distraction. Plus it sounds like this is something that the child wanted to do, so if you want to do things, as a child, you stick to the parents' rules if you want to carry on doing them.

@MyFaceIsAnAONB fair enough, I never knew these were called islands I'm from the midlands so though islands and roundabouts were the same

He isn’t going to resist the peer pressure to do something that everyone does, he does with you, his friend wants to do and is easier than the mum sanctioned action. And that sort of thing is going to be true throughout his life. Your expectation was unreasonable.

Teach him to cross the full road to your satisfaction. Don’t expect him to do the awkward thing that you don’t do yourself.

I wouldn’t say it’s this, it’s more when there’s an adult present cross the 2 lanes together which needs a bit more road sense and when apart cross 1 lane at a time, focus on one lane of traffic.

The going with the friend wasn't prearranged. It was accidental.

Also, we do sometimes walk to the island if we've been waiting too long for a safe gap to cross.

Then he knows what to do.
Chances were high he would meet a friend, surely?

So after this next eight weeks, what's the plan for road crossing the rest of his school life?

Does the West midlands have weird roundabouts in the middle of two lanes of traffic that you can stop at when crossing the road?

I walked all my children to school until they reached 11.I wouldn’t worry too much about it and you don’t want to knock his confidence. Once things have calmed down have a chat, explaining again your reasoning and start to cross the road in the safest place yourself.
Trust goes both ways and as he gets older you’ll get used to him finding his own path.

@UserABC12345 why not arrange to go with his friend every day? Two sets of eyes are better than one. The other DC is presumably confident and capable?

I have to say that it’s quite late (y6) to be walking to school without a parent. Secondary school is looming. What then? Is he anxious because he’s always being told what to do and then gets upset when he takes the initiative and it’s wrong? So there’s conflict. Allow him to think for himself.

As a compromise: see him across the road. At the place where you usually cross. He really does need to learn to do things without you.

🫢

This is a bit harsh but the PP MIGHT have a bit of a point OP.

You can’t expect your kids to cross at the formal crossing if you don’t. RADs are arguably more unsafe that a straight road anyways, so what I would do to deescalate the situation is talk to him about the hazards of both options and what he should do to stay safe.

But you do need to leave him to it, he’ll be at secondary next year when your mum walking you to school is not an option. He can leave home in 6 years if he wants, you gotta have a phased letting go.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, & PP’s ripping into mum here because her dc cried are just out of order, imo. So judgemental based on one snippet of information. Emotional children are not a problem to be fixed, nor one that has been created!

OP you’re an adult so yes crossing 2 roads at once is something you’ve done for years, a 10 year old I can totally see getting this wrong. I don’t blame you for being disappointed.

H'e not going to walk further to the island, as you have spent years demonstrating how safe and simple it is to walk across the lanes of traffic. Years of evidence that it is perfectly safe, as you have never had an accident doing it yourself. It also saves two valuable minutes.

Like PP said, you need to model safe behaviour if that's what you want to see.

You've already trained him to cross in a certain place whether you admit it or not.

If the road is sometimes so busy that you can’t get across and have to walk to the island, then I’m not surprised you’re upset. That sounds really scary. Especially when it’s a 10 year old boy talking to his friend and oblivious to the world around him!

I don't understand your question. In the Midlands the word island is used for what is called a roundabout in other places. It can also mean a small built up area in the middle of the road created as a refuge for pedestrians crossing.

OP has confirmed that confusingly, in this case, she meant both. A small refuge type island right next to a roundabout.

I think you’re overreacting and agree with this statement by a PP:

If you punish him then you're punishing him for telling the truth. He could have lied and you'd be none the wiser.

If you take this privilege off him now, all it will teach him is that he cannot trust you to tell the truth to. Mild telling off and enough said.

He told you the truth. He could easily have lied and you’d never have known but he chose not to. Whatever you decide to do, I’d personally avoid punishing a child for telling the truth when a lie would have caused them to escape punishment.

When I was about nine, I swore at an adult behind their back and another child told them. When the adult asked me if I had sworn or not, I was scared of being punished but I told the truth. The adult told me that I’ve done the right thing in telling the truth. I apologised. That was the end of it. I have never forgotten that.