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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ds went back on promise the first time he was allowed to walk to school

162 replies

UserABC12345 · 09/05/2023 20:10

Looking for a bit of advice.

Today was the first day ds10 has been allowed to walk to school by himself. Mainly because the school was opening early to provide support for the ones doing their SATs. I have a younger child so we normally all walk to school together.

There is a semi busy 30 mph road he has to cross. There's the option of crossing both lanes at once (which we normally do) or walking a little bit further up to cross at an island. This is slightly out of his way by about 2 to 3 minutes maximum as he effectively has to double back on himself.

He promised me he'd go up to the island to cross.

I asked him how his SATs went etc, how his walk went and I asked him outright which way he walked. Him and a mate crossed the road directly.

So, he's owned up. But basically said, it was fine, that he managed it as no cars, he was fine, I'm over protective, he was fine etc etc. He ended up crying etc.

I've told him I'm disappointed.

I don't want to make a big deal during SATs week but I don't feel now that I can trust him. It was the first time he's gone by himself.

AiBU to say he's spoilt it for himself and he needs to walk with me now.

Any advice.

OP posts:
RedRobyn2021 · 09/05/2023 21:53

Sorry OP but that sounds really harsh on your part.

Crumpleton · 09/05/2023 21:58

A post that proves the saying "we lead by example" is true.

Pussycatbeen · 09/05/2023 22:03

This has been worrying me, too. Since reception, I've insisted we cross at the zebra crossing, but all other families nip across where there's no crossing, further up, instead.

Now my child will be going alone sometimes, I'm pretty sure he'll go with his friend further up instead of using the crossing, because he is very shy of saying no and always does what his friend says. :(

Pussycatbeen · 09/05/2023 22:05

Motheranddaughter · 09/05/2023 20:42

He is 10 and has never walked to school on his own before?
Get a grip

Schools don't allow it before they're ten. And why would they? It's quite dangerous!

RunningRunningRunningRunningRunning · 09/05/2023 22:17

You don't walk to the island to cross (which I'm not convinced would be safer anyway), he crossed the road where you do when you are walking with them, I don't see the issue. He'll be going to high school soon, you are being ott. At what age can he cross the road there, 20? You were unkind making him cry when he'll be stressed this week anyway.

NerrSnerr · 09/05/2023 22:20

GoodChat · 09/05/2023 20:30

@MyFaceIsAnAONB the roundabout the OP wants him to walk to...

She means island as in little patch of pavement in the middle of the road, not island as in roundabout (like they call them in Birmingham)

hoophoophooray · 09/05/2023 22:23

Pussycatbeen · 09/05/2023 22:05

Schools don't allow it before they're ten. And why would they? It's quite dangerous!

Show quote history

Ours allow them to walk home from Y5. Which can be only just 9.

ilovemyspace · 09/05/2023 22:23

I only said I was disappointed in him. I haven't reacted any other way yet.

But this will do the most damage surely? This 'disappointment' places the most pressure on children. You should be concentrating on what they knew to do sensibly and did do ' right' rather than what you think they did 'wrong'
That's the way our children learn and grow

PlinkPlonkFizz · 09/05/2023 22:24

How did you make him cry?

DappledThings · 09/05/2023 22:24

NerrSnerr · 09/05/2023 22:20

She means island as in little patch of pavement in the middle of the road, not island as in roundabout (like they call them in Birmingham)

Show quote history

She said it's both when I queried that:
It's both. There are small crossing islands but right next to a roundabout.
so the comments about needing to be wary of cars exiting the roundabout are valid.

wankerseverywhere · 09/05/2023 22:27

I tend to agree.

ChristinaXYZ · 09/05/2023 22:28

MintJulia · 09/05/2023 20:18

So he copied what you have always done, and you are annoyed with him. ??

I'd leave him alone to get on with SATs. They are quite stressful enough.

To be fair OP probably does many things the DS should not being doing because she is an adult and has better judgement at managing the risk. Adults have way better judgement crossing the road - better at ignore those they are with and focusing on the traffic, better at judging speed.

If he was told to cross elsewhere and ignored you first time out then I'd be furious OP. I would explain that it is a developing judgment thing and he just has to take your advice - he is old enough to understand that.

I live near a secondary school - there are several kids hit every year. No deaths yet but considering the road is residential not an A road and has a number of traffic calming measures it is quite frightening. Most of the victims quite a few years older than 10. Not concentrating and poor judgement.

ChopperC110P · 09/05/2023 22:30

I think the fact you interrogated him until he cracked and confessed and then you made him cry indicates that disappointing you is a BIG ISSUE in your family dynamic. Saying you are disappointed is a negative reaction that children are especially hurt by as they want us to be proud of them.

I honestly think you are being too hard on him. He walked to school by himself with no incident and was probably feeling pretty proud of himself and you just pissed all over that to the point he was crying.

You then say he has form for similar bouts of crying which has me wondering if this is a pattern with you? That there is often something to criticise and you are often telling your child they are a disappointment?

I hope not.

Whoiscomingtosaveyou · 09/05/2023 22:31

I’m just struggling with the fact that a 10year old has never walked to school alone or even crossed a road by himself before.

Original poster
UserABC12345 · 09/05/2023 22:33

PlinkPlonkFizz · 09/05/2023 22:24

How did you make him cry?

He started crying not long after I said I was disappointed he hadn't listened.

OP posts:
InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 09/05/2023 22:36

I can understand your point OP but your rule is off the mark. He’s going to high school. My DC have a 0.3mile walk with only 3 “main” roads to cross (30mph) to primary school. High school is 1.8 miles and there are NSL roads and 60mph bypasses as well as a stretch of canal, a popular shortcut across a busy supermarket car park, some unlit fields and a notorious roundabout (with a dark, concrete, piss stinking underpass that’s even worse). The DC need practice. They need to know they are always in charge of their own safety and their own decision to cross even if with friends, a group of friends, their parents, they should not be relying on anyone else to look for them. They need to know not to be jostling and pushing at the waters edge, on the stiles or on bridges. They need to know the speed limits of the various roads and what that means in terms of approach speed. They need to know about lanes and which lanes are for overtaking so you might see one car approaching and have another popping out from behind it at a much faster speed. They need to know to let people know when they set off and when they are back and not to deviate from the expected route. They need to know about keeping to the lit side, keeping yourself visible, and always having your torch with you in the winter and to check the batteries. They need to know what indicators are, what reverse lights are, learn not to trust the overt signals from cars and to look for the covert ones. It’s not indicating left, no, but it’s slowing down like it might turn soon, isn’t it? They are waving you over, yes, but they can’t see the car coming the other way and you can. Don’t stand near the road looking both ways unless you intend to cross. Keep to the safer side of the pavement where there is one. Only walk into oncoming traffic. Cross at blind corners.

I am well into this process with my 9yo and have already done it with two dc and it can be a LONG process. Please, even if your school run isn’t as lively as ours, consider a real investment of time into this this summer and don’t go back to walking him.

mmsduo · 09/05/2023 22:39

He's 10, for goodness' sake. If he can't cross the road properly by now, thats on you.

Original poster
UserABC12345 · 09/05/2023 22:39

ChopperC110P · 09/05/2023 22:30

I think the fact you interrogated him until he cracked and confessed and then you made him cry indicates that disappointing you is a BIG ISSUE in your family dynamic. Saying you are disappointed is a negative reaction that children are especially hurt by as they want us to be proud of them.

I honestly think you are being too hard on him. He walked to school by himself with no incident and was probably feeling pretty proud of himself and you just pissed all over that to the point he was crying.

You then say he has form for similar bouts of crying which has me wondering if this is a pattern with you? That there is often something to criticise and you are often telling your child they are a disappointment?

I hope not.

Nope, you're massively off the mark.

OP posts:
Original poster
UserABC12345 · 09/05/2023 22:41

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 09/05/2023 22:36

I can understand your point OP but your rule is off the mark. He’s going to high school. My DC have a 0.3mile walk with only 3 “main” roads to cross (30mph) to primary school. High school is 1.8 miles and there are NSL roads and 60mph bypasses as well as a stretch of canal, a popular shortcut across a busy supermarket car park, some unlit fields and a notorious roundabout (with a dark, concrete, piss stinking underpass that’s even worse). The DC need practice. They need to know they are always in charge of their own safety and their own decision to cross even if with friends, a group of friends, their parents, they should not be relying on anyone else to look for them. They need to know not to be jostling and pushing at the waters edge, on the stiles or on bridges. They need to know the speed limits of the various roads and what that means in terms of approach speed. They need to know about lanes and which lanes are for overtaking so you might see one car approaching and have another popping out from behind it at a much faster speed. They need to know to let people know when they set off and when they are back and not to deviate from the expected route. They need to know about keeping to the lit side, keeping yourself visible, and always having your torch with you in the winter and to check the batteries. They need to know what indicators are, what reverse lights are, learn not to trust the overt signals from cars and to look for the covert ones. It’s not indicating left, no, but it’s slowing down like it might turn soon, isn’t it? They are waving you over, yes, but they can’t see the car coming the other way and you can. Don’t stand near the road looking both ways unless you intend to cross. Keep to the safer side of the pavement where there is one. Only walk into oncoming traffic. Cross at blind corners.

I am well into this process with my 9yo and have already done it with two dc and it can be a LONG process. Please, even if your school run isn’t as lively as ours, consider a real investment of time into this this summer and don’t go back to walking him.

Thanks

OP posts:
ChopperC110P · 09/05/2023 22:44

UserABC12345 · 09/05/2023 22:39

Nope, you're massively off the mark.

Show quote history

Good, then do not make a habit of this. It can be very damaging for a child to grow up feeling nothing is ever good enough.

KittyAlfred · 09/05/2023 22:45

RunningRunningRunningRunningRunning · 09/05/2023 22:17

You don't walk to the island to cross (which I'm not convinced would be safer anyway), he crossed the road where you do when you are walking with them, I don't see the issue. He'll be going to high school soon, you are being ott. At what age can he cross the road there, 20? You were unkind making him cry when he'll be stressed this week anyway.

OP just said she was disappointed. He cried because he’s going through an emotional phase. OP didn’t make him cry.

Original poster
UserABC12345 · 09/05/2023 22:49

ChopperC110P · 09/05/2023 22:44

Good, then do not make a habit of this. It can be very damaging for a child to grow up feeling nothing is ever good enough.

Show quote history

Sounds like you've projected some of your upbringing here... Best wishes Chopper if you were made to feel like a disappointment in your childhood.

OP posts:
minipie · 09/05/2023 22:49

Haven’t read the whole thread but strongly disagree with most of the replies I have read.

He should be allowed to take the more dangerous route because she’s modelled that for years? No way. Adults are way more experienced and capable than 10 year olds. They have much better developed judgment of what a car is likely to do, judgment of speed etc. Of course an adult might be ok taking a more dangerous route than a child, and a 10 year old should be capable of understanding that. This argument is like saying he should be allowed to, let’s say, use a chainsaw because he’s seen his parent using one every weekend.

And the criticism of him having not crossed roads alone till now? Again, there is evidence that children cannot judge car speed with any accuracy till the age of 10. So, fine to let them cross roads before then if they only have to cross at crossings or very quiet roads. Less so if your route involves a busy road with no pedestrian crossing.

I live near a secondary school on a busy road. I’ve seen a significant number of “near misses” as kids jostle each other, walk in the road to avoid a crowd, look at their phone while crossing, run across to catch their mates. And there have been some which weren’t misses.

Strawberrydelight78 · 09/05/2023 22:49

Depends on how wide the road is and if not crossing at the island means crossing on a bend. But most driver's slow down near schools knowing there may be unaccompanied children.

ChopperC110P · 09/05/2023 22:52

UserABC12345 · 09/05/2023 22:49

Sounds like you've projected some of your upbringing here... Best wishes Chopper if you were made to feel like a disappointment in your childhood.

Show quote history

Yes, I was and I was afraid I might have projected as I was truly hoping this wasn’t a pattern! I feel a lot better for your DS now you’ve confirmed that.

As a poster said upthread, try focussing on what they did right and praising it. I think I would have said, it ok to have skipped the island when the road has no cars in it, but to use it if any cars are coming.