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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be exasperated at fussy/picky eaters?

403 replies

Iloveabaconbutty · 09/05/2023 11:37

Am I being unreasonable to be exasperated at "fussy eaters"? I was brought up to eat everything on my plate although as a concession my mum and dad said we were "allowed" not to like one thing - for me as a kid it was cheese I wasn't keen on (which as an adult I've actually grown to love). I also remember my mum's slight irritation - expressed lightheatedly and privately later on - at the schoolfriend who came to tea who didn't like this, didn't like that, was picky about the other, etc. and basically left everything she had prepared on his plate.

I enjoy eating pretty much everything and we've tried to encourage out kids to be unfussy eaters too, encouraging them to "try it", when they were younger, instead of getting away with saying "no" in the first instance and finding that that was acceptable.

Except that one of our daughters, now a young adult, has quite a list of things she doesn't like and won't eat - bananas, baked beans, tomatoes, porridge, just for starters. There are a lot more things as well, with particularly strong tastes or particular textures. She's also very hesitant to try anything new or different and dislikes coffee and wine. Her boyfriend is the same which makes meal planning a bit of a challenge when he comes to stay.

I'm wondering now - having read a bit about it online and elsewhere - if I'm being unreasonable about this and if there are very real issues for some people when it comes to what tastes unpleasant? ie.they really, genuinely cannot help disliking quite a wide range of foods?

I realise that my parents were brought up in the post-war years, with rationing etc and to be a "fuss-pot" about food wouldn't have been appreciated. We were brought up like this too - and to the extent that I now appreciate a wide variety of food I'm very grateful. But is this so straightforward for some people?

OP posts:
Berlinlover · 09/05/2023 18:04

I was brought up to eat whatever I was given so YANBU

Secondwindplease · 09/05/2023 18:09

TheMoops · 09/05/2023 18:02

I work in refugee camps and I’ve never come across someone who won’t eat what’s in front of them..

Are you saying ARFID doesn't exist as an eating disorder?

Pretty sure the D is for disorder, so yes it exists. But lots of disorders exist in the global north, where people have a reasonable expectation of being accommodated. Most of them barely register in humanitarian crises though, where people are just desperately trying to access clean water, shelter and whatever food they can.

Newmumatlast · 09/05/2023 18:10

takealettermsjones · 09/05/2023 11:40

If you know that you brought your kids up to try everything and you still have a daughter who is now what you'd call fussy, then it stands to reason that it's not so straightforward as upbringing alone. Surely you can see that?

Exactly this. I have a child who eats everything and one who only eats beige food with limited veg/fruit options and acts genuinely scared of certain foods. Suspected asd but either way, not something I have caused in my view. I think the clear your plate ethos is entirely wrong anyway. It goes against learning what your body actually needs and when you are actually full.

TheMoops · 09/05/2023 18:16

As someone who suffers from ARFID I find your ignorance staggering.

For me, ARFID manifests itself as a phobia of food. If I attempt to eat food that sits outside of my safe list I gag uncontrollably and, more often than not, end up being physically sick. No amount of repeated exposure, being forced to eat etc. changes this physical reaction.

It's causes me a significant amount of embarrassment and stress. If I could change it, I would. However, I would rather starve than eat certain foods. That's not an exaggeration.

But, yeah, it's all about me 'being accommodated' 🙄

TheMoops · 09/05/2023 18:17

My last post was aimed @Secondwindplease

TallerThanAverage · 09/05/2023 18:20

TheMoops · 09/05/2023 18:16

As someone who suffers from ARFID I find your ignorance staggering.

For me, ARFID manifests itself as a phobia of food. If I attempt to eat food that sits outside of my safe list I gag uncontrollably and, more often than not, end up being physically sick. No amount of repeated exposure, being forced to eat etc. changes this physical reaction.

It's causes me a significant amount of embarrassment and stress. If I could change it, I would. However, I would rather starve than eat certain foods. That's not an exaggeration.

But, yeah, it's all about me 'being accommodated' 🙄

I’ve been doing some reading since going back on this thread and reading your comments. It sounds terrible for you. Do you remember a trigger?

TheMoops · 09/05/2023 18:29

I’ve been doing some reading since going back on this thread and reading your comments. It sounds terrible for you. Do you remember a trigger?

Thank you.
Apparently I've always had an issue with texture,strong tastes and smells. I'm a super taster and super smeller which doesn't help. I can taste very subtle changes in food .... like someone using a different oil and can smell what DH has had to eat hours ago.

I remember school dinners being particularly traumatic in primary school as they tried to force me to eat but I don't think that was the cause.

I'm 41 now and my job takes me all over the world which can be challenging but I was determined not to let it stop me!

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 09/05/2023 18:31

Secondwindplease · 09/05/2023 18:01

I work in refugee camps and I’ve never come across someone who won’t eat what’s in front of them.

Show quote history

That’s not really relevant if you’re not in a refugee camp though, is it?

slowquickstep · 09/05/2023 18:43

Don't pander, if they are old enough to cook tell them what you are making and if they don't like it they are free to make something else.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 09/05/2023 18:44

I think it’s fine to not like something but rude to expect others to accommodate you in the moment.

I have a close friend who is a self-confessed fussy eater, and he’s the opposite of this. He’d rather be left to go and get chips rather than people trying to come up with a solution. Every new friend he makes thinks they can “cure” him - “Oh, you’d love curry the way I make it”; “You couldn’t not like the food at Angelino’s, it’s amazing”; “Have you ever just tried Chinese food?” He’s an adult who knows there isn’t a magic dish or restaurant out there that will fix things.

A few of us went away once and the one who knew him the least was horrified at the idea of us going for a curry without him. “Oh no, you can’t go off to KFC on your own! We’ll find somewhere else; where do you want to go?” Kindly meant, but as my friend tried to explain, all that would mean was five people compromising to find a meal that the sixth person wouldn’t even really enjoy anyway.

I couldn’t eat that limited a diet personally, but over time I’ve come to admire him for being honest enough to say “I only like bland food and I don’t want to just try this or anything else”.

Casba · 09/05/2023 18:44

I just don't know why you'd even encourage someone to eat things they don't like or make them feel ill. It isn't necessary to eat everything put in front of you.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 09/05/2023 18:48

ScotInExile · 09/05/2023 11:46

"I enjoy eating pretty much everything and we've tried to encourage out kids to be unfussy eaters too, encouraging them to "try it", when they were younger, instead of getting away with saying "no" in the first instance and finding that that was acceptable."

Do you think that the parents of fussy eaters are just not trying hard enough?

Doesn't say much for OP then given her own is now fussy 😂

BTW OP, I have a child with additional needs. Pearl clutch all you want, but she has food aversion and I will never force her to eat something against her will just to suit opinions like this. I know of both kids and adults with similar issues who had severe difficulty obtaining food they could eat during lockdown. I'm sure if it was that simple then they wouldn't have sat there worried sick about how they'd obtain their safe foods when the shelves were bare if it was as simple as just eating whatever they saw 🙄

Beezknees · 09/05/2023 18:51

YABU, why should people eat food they dislike just because you find it exasperating?

I can't imagine caring so much about someone else's habits.

FeelingLikeAShitMother · 09/05/2023 18:52

My child would literally starve rather than eat a non-safe food. I’m sure people love judging me for letting him eat a diet of plain, processed carbs. But it’s that or a feeding tube.

lopsidedgrin · 09/05/2023 18:59

Obviously taking out those with real issues around food; autism, gag issues etc etc.

Your bog standard fussy eater is just a real turn off. Such a joyless existence and half the time it's because they won't try anything new. Met a good few beige people who after trying olives/red wine/cheese - or whatever, go on to enjoy it - but spent 20 years of their lives denying themselves the pleasure. And no I'm not a forcer, just meet up with them and find out they've randomly developed a love of olives in their 40's. Grow up :)

amusedbush · 09/05/2023 19:00

CharlottenBerg · 09/05/2023 15:40

Let me say that I do understand that many people have issues with food that go far beyond a simple matter of preference or like/dislike. My own partner, soon to be husband, is physically disgusted by any kind of poultry, and fish. He has felt that way since childhood. The smell of frying fish from a chippy makes him feel sick. I, on the other hand will eat just about anything. I am not saying that to be 'smug'. I'm just lucky, I guess. There was one thing I recall not liking, and that was a French chitterling sausage thing, an andouillette de Troyes that I ordered in a restaurant there without knowing what it was. Smelt and tasted of the farmyard! I got it down, but never again! But what I really don't like is being called a 'gannet' or a 'human dustbin', as if I have no refinement or taste, by people who seem to think that disliking things makes them somehow refined or discriminating. Not neurodiverse people, let me make clear. There is a very 'dogmatic' person I work with, and he seems to think that if he thinks something, then it must be true for everyone. He once said 'I don't see how anyone can eat olives, courgettes, or anchovies - they are vile!'. I said mildly that I liked all of them, and he said, 'There must be something wrong with you', and he said it like he meant it. A shouting match developed, and my boss took me on one side and said 'Charlie, just let it go'.

That’s so funny - I posted upthread that I’ve only ever seen my husband react negatively to one food and it was the same as yours! We were in France and he ordered it, then almost threw up after taking one bite. That was a decade ago and we still refer to it as ‘jobby sausage’ (jobby being Scottish slang for poo, in case you’re unfamiliar 😂)

P.S. I know I mentioned smugness but you definitely don’t seem like One Of Them Grin

TheMoops · 09/05/2023 19:05

lopsidedgrin · 09/05/2023 18:59

Obviously taking out those with real issues around food; autism, gag issues etc etc.

Your bog standard fussy eater is just a real turn off. Such a joyless existence and half the time it's because they won't try anything new. Met a good few beige people who after trying olives/red wine/cheese - or whatever, go on to enjoy it - but spent 20 years of their lives denying themselves the pleasure. And no I'm not a forcer, just meet up with them and find out they've randomly developed a love of olives in their 40's. Grow up :)

Just because food is a source of joy for you doesn't mean it is for everyone.

Don't assume those who have a 'fussy' diet live a joyless life!

Ballet fills my life with joy. I don't assume my friend who has never set foot in a dance studio lives a joyless existence.... so why assume those who don't eat the same food as you are?

lopsidedgrin · 09/05/2023 19:06

@TheMoops I'll assume whatever I like thank you very much.

lopsidedgrin · 09/05/2023 19:07

@TheMoops you cannot compare your hobby and food!
It's joyless to not enjoy the finer things in life. End of.
If people have issues with food - that's completely different. Those who are picky for picky sake are joyless.

TheMoops · 09/05/2023 19:09

I'll assume whatever I like thank you very much.

Wow.... well you know they they say about making assumptions 🤷🏼‍♀️

What a dickish comment 😂😂

TheMoops · 09/05/2023 19:11

lopsidedgrin · 09/05/2023 19:07

@TheMoops you cannot compare your hobby and food!
It's joyless to not enjoy the finer things in life. End of.
If people have issues with food - that's completely different. Those who are picky for picky sake are joyless.

Says who?
What gives you the right to decide what gives people joy and pleasure?

TheMoops · 09/05/2023 19:12

And I enjoy the finer things in life.... but for me that doesn't include food. And that's okay

lopsidedgrin · 09/05/2023 19:12

@TheMoops dickish? Coming from someone who compares a hobby to the thing that literally keeps us alive?!
Grow up.

Kanaloa · 09/05/2023 19:13

lopsidedgrin · 09/05/2023 18:59

Obviously taking out those with real issues around food; autism, gag issues etc etc.

Your bog standard fussy eater is just a real turn off. Such a joyless existence and half the time it's because they won't try anything new. Met a good few beige people who after trying olives/red wine/cheese - or whatever, go on to enjoy it - but spent 20 years of their lives denying themselves the pleasure. And no I'm not a forcer, just meet up with them and find out they've randomly developed a love of olives in their 40's. Grow up :)

Maybe they aren’t ‘joyless’ but just find joy in something other than wine and olives. I actually think someone who thinks not eating olives and wine makes for a joyless existence is way more of a turn off.

beeskipa · 09/05/2023 19:14

I can't help it. I don't like a lot of things and if I eat something I don't like (or something I do, but that feels 'different' in some way - texture or taste is off), I'll gag or actually vomit.

It's very embarassing sometimes being a grown adult who has to ask whether or not the meal they're ordering has a particular thing in or having to go and discreetly throw up because I wasn't expecting a particular food in a sandwich and my brain/body rejects it, but it's what I'm stuck with.

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