To be exasperated at fussy/picky eaters?

[Iloveabaconbutty]

Am I being unreasonable to be exasperated at "fussy eaters"? I was brought up to eat everything on my plate although as a concession my mum and dad said we were "allowed" not to like one thing - for me as a kid it was cheese I wasn't keen on (which as an adult I've actually grown to love). I also remember my mum's slight irritation - expressed lightheatedly and privately later on - at the schoolfriend who came to tea who didn't like this, didn't like that, was picky about the other, etc. and basically left everything she had prepared on his plate.

I enjoy eating pretty much everything and we've tried to encourage out kids to be unfussy eaters too, encouraging them to "try it", when they were younger, instead of getting away with saying "no" in the first instance and finding that that was acceptable.

Except that one of our daughters, now a young adult, has quite a list of things she doesn't like and won't eat - bananas, baked beans, tomatoes, porridge, just for starters. There are a lot more things as well, with particularly strong tastes or particular textures. She's also very hesitant to try anything new or different and dislikes coffee and wine. Her boyfriend is the same which makes meal planning a bit of a challenge when he comes to stay.

I'm wondering now - having read a bit about it online and elsewhere - if I'm being unreasonable about this and if there are very real issues for some people when it comes to what tastes unpleasant? ie.they really, genuinely cannot help disliking quite a wide range of foods?

I realise that my parents were brought up in the post-war years, with rationing etc and to be a "fuss-pot" about food wouldn't have been appreciated. We were brought up like this too - and to the extent that I now appreciate a wide variety of food I'm very grateful. But is this so straightforward for some people?

Re your point on ignorance. I do wonder if fussy eating correlates with class?

Ooh what sort of stuff does he make?!

When you know the type, you know. Personal experience its mostly men that want extra "good stuff".

Very this. My OH won’t eat ANY type of fruit. Or cheese, mushrooms, any white sauce. Massive failing by his parents I reckon.

It's such a complicated thing, and the way our preferences and tolerances change over time is weird too. I was the original picky child and had a list of things I would eat as it was quicker to write that than things I wouldn't: bread, bacon, chips, carrots, plain pasta, plain rice, fish. My parents wouldn't make me clear my plate but wouldn't cook for me separately either. LOTS of dinners of plain rice while they had chilli etc.

As an adult I'm vegetarian but I eat everything vegetarian, any vegetable/fruit pretty much. Nothing anyone did made me able to stomach this stuff as an adult, my taste just changed and my "disgust level" (not sure what to call it, but whatever had me retching over tomatoes etc) just went down.

DD is extremely sensitive to taste, especially changes in recipes in products. It’s a nightmare. Up to the age of 5 she ate everything (autistic and ARFID).

I know people with multiple children. One of DDs friend will literally eat anything, her sister eats nothing.

My in-laws called me fussy because I didn’t like the food they like. This includes mayonnaise which is frankly, disgusting. I eat many many things but not the things they serve. Fussy can be subjective.

Texture has always been a huge issue for me. It causes me to gag and I will vomit if it’s something I don’t like e.g. mushrooms, sushi, seasweed. I was always given a lot of pressure from my parents to finish my whole plate of food, this has impacted me in my adult where I find large plates of food intimidating.

Anyway, I think pressuring kids to eat food they don’t want is a bad idea and I certainly won’t do it with my kids!

I don’t eat my crusts ever and it’s very freeing 😂

I would imagine it does, to a point.

Middle and upper class kids: their families have the resources to expose them to many different types of foods from very young. They can afford to try new things because if the child doesn't eat it it isn't a disaster. They can splurge on an avocado to try and if they reject it, no worries. The funds and lifestyle to go to different restaurants, travel, try different cuisines. Public schools, parents are paying so expect a certain standard of school dinners for their dosh. Yes, the middle class are more likely to eat fast food, because it's an expensive, premium thing. Working class more likely to eat food cooked at home even if it's just oven ready frozen things. More likely to have the ability to travel to places that sell fresh food.

Working class kids: less money to risk wasting on trying different things. Working longer hours, less time for cooking leisurely fancy meals, more reliance on quick and easy things that can be kept in the freezer so they don't go off. State schools more likely to lack the funds to serve adventurous meals.

Actual poor families: picky eating unlikely to be a thing, because from early on it's a case of eat what's offered or go hungry, not as an empty threat but a reality. I read a book about living in the slums in India not too long ago, and as you can imagine, picky eating just didn't exist. A lot of pickiness persists because parents (understandably) resort to giving whatever they know their child will eat because there are options or they end up buying only things they know they'll eat happily. When you don't have the luxury of choosing what and how much food to bring into your home the notion of pickiness really isn't viable.

All just guesswork, from someone who was raised working class in a very poor area and now lives the middle class dream in a nice area with disposable income lol.

Start regular meetings with a private pediatric nutritionist. They are brilliant

It's not your problem any more. Let your daughter cook for herself, and for her boyfriend when he comes to stay.

Actually, think I've talked myself into another opposing thought.

Maybe middle/upper class kids are MORE picky cos their parents have the ability to provide them with options if they don't like what they're given.

I think a lot depends on family dynamic tbh. Growing up if I said I didn't want to eat anything except for chips and fried egg my mum was like yeah, whatever, and did it. I was and still am the least picky eater around. As a kid at my grandparents' house I was happy slurping down oysters.

Love the first sentence of this post 👏

OP's kid is an adult.

These threads come up again and again, and there's usually a weird smugness that comes with being someone who eats anything and everything. For what it's worth, my husband is a human dustbin and will eat anything put in front of him. He will try anything once and in the 11 years we've been together, I've seen him dislike only one thing. In fact, I've witnessed our dog (who enthusiastically eats fox shit if given the opportunity) turn his nose up at DH's dinner.

I, on the other hand, am autistic and am happiest with a bowl of beef Super Noodles. Most of my food aversions come from the texture rather than the flavour, but I also hate the flavour of things like wine, dark chocolate, etc. Many years ago, DH thought it would be funny to give me a dark chocolate truffle that came with petits fours in a restaurant, not realising that I would involuntarily gag and cry in public. That's how he learned I'm not "just" fussy; my parents confirm that I have been this way since I was practically still a baby.

If I refuse to try something, it's because I already know I won't like it. If it looks odd (that green ketchup from years ago??), or the smell is wrong to me, or I can see that it's a textural nightmare. I'm not spoiled/difficult/controlling/boring, I just physically cannot eat something I don't like. If the issue is forced, I end up panicking my way into full meltdown.

@CheekNerveGallAudacityandGumption things like lasagne with a side of potato waffles, soup with big chunks of pasta rather than small ones (I wouldn't eat that regardless of size as it's too many textures), onions & peppers in Mac and cheese. Tinned meat, frozen burgers, pre made food and claims it's fresh made. Bland & unseasoned food, the cheapest ingredients. He's the person who orders the food in so he chooses what's to be made and makes it, the people who serve don't have a say and even they find it weird as they know it's all tinned. Unbelievable!

@Iloveabaconbutty actually I think the people suggesting that you hand the cooking over to your daughter (especially when her partner is around too) are onto something. Cooking the meals gives control over ingredients and texture, I think in retrospect knowing EXACTLY what's in things is a help.

They want to be the centre of attention, They are too ill mannered to eat a little of the food one has spent time over. Then they trot out the "oh I can't possible eat that because". . .and expect sympathy.

Wrong. I go to extreme lengths to hide my fussy eating ( which is actually an eating disorder called ARFID) however, I physically cannot eat some food. I'm not ill mannered or ungrateful. I have an actual phobia of eating food that doesn't sit within my safe list. I wish I could eat like a normal person but I can't.

Get a grip on your manners as guests. Just show a little gratitude!
end of rant.

Would you prefer me to gag and throw up at the dinner table? because that is what will happen if you force me to eat something I can't stomach.

No. I would genuinely rather starve than eat food that isn't on my safe list.

DH and I were both forced to eat things growing up. Neither of us eat the things we were forced to eat.
I don’t see the point.
I think not having any tastebuds isn’t an achievement. I worked with a few guys who would eat anything and everything, often mixed up on the same plate. I think it’s a sad existence.

Wow, I didn’t expect so many responses. I think I probably knew that the question wasn’t quite as straightforward as me being unreasonable or not and for many people including I suspect my daughter I’ve long thought that there is something else going on other than being fussy or picky. And of course we’ve always accommodated her preferences as we love her and want her to be happy. But maybe because I grew up in a “just get on with it” generation it’s a bit more challenging for me to grasp. Which is why I asked the question in the first place. And there have been some really helpful and illuminating responses, so thank you.

Thank you the pps who referred to ARFID, I’ll follow that up.

Our son is diagnosed ASD and this does impact him in terms of his sensory experiences but to do with noise primarily and also his sense of smell. He doesn’t have any issues with food types at all and enjoys eating pretty much anything, which does underline the fact that we are all different and complex creatures!

I was brought up the same as you. I can eat anything, but I don't love everything. My kids eat anything but prefer certain foods. I make everyone's favourite dish for each of 4 days. The remaining 3 days, I make whatever I want thats healthy and easy to make. Seems pointless forcing meals down everyone, when I can just make foods we all like. Ask your daughter to meal plan and help prep and cook.

If I refuse to try something, it's because I already know I won't like it. If it looks odd (that green ketchup from years ago??), or the smell is wrong to me, or I can see that it's a textural nightmare. I'm not spoiled/difficult/controlling/boring, I just physically cannot eat something I don't like. If the issue is forced, I end up panicking my way into full meltdown.

Oh this really resonates with me. I was at an event at the weekend and there was nothing there for me to eat, fine I just didn't eat all day. Two of the people there couldn't cope and pushed and pushed the issue and kept trying to get me to eat their food which caused me to panic and I had to hide in the toilets to calm down.

Your not one of those idiots who think allergies aren't real are you?

I hope you never have a disabled child.

I'm wondering now - having read a bit about it online and elsewhere - if I'm being unreasonable about this and if there are very real issues for some people when it comes to what tastes unpleasant? ie.they really, genuinely cannot help disliking quite a wide range of foods?

I would hope that it would be blindingly obvious that many picky eaters really struggle with certain foods, rather than just preferring not to eat them. There are certain foods that make me want to vomit. It doesn't help that when I was at primary school we were forced to eat whatever was put in front of us. I think in some ways that has, as an adult, made me more aversive rather than less. Now I have control over what I eat, I make damn sure I assert it.

For me, a lot of the problem is texture as much as taste, perhaps more so. There's a lot of stuff I don't particularly like, but will eat out of politeness if offered it. However, there are also some things that make me physically sick, and I'm not about to eat them, just because some ignorant tosser thinks it makes me 'picky'.

I have 4 DD's.

Two have a perfectly ordinary relationship with food, smells, eating and drinking. Nothing worthy of noting. Occasionally i 'oh I don't fancy that' or 'I'm not loving the courgette in that' etc.

Younger two however have very very specific foods that they'll eat. There's no rhyme or reason to some of it. Will eat spaghetti bolognaise for example, but can't be in the same room as a lasagna.

In a famine situation, yes absolutely they would likely be one of the first to succumb to disease and illness. They can't force themselves to eat in any other way. We've tried all of the tricks, suggestions, advice from professionals. We are with it where we are. They might experiment more when they are older but for now, we keep it to what they will eat for an easier time of it. They have basic fruit, 2 vegetables and basically eat 'meat and two veg' type meals; which 30 years ago would have been perfectly acceptable. As we live in current times with total free range over cuisine, they appear fussy and limited to others. Had a parent once remark 'who doesn't like hummus'? When DD screwed her nose up. Well it wouldn't have even been on offer a generation ago....

I feel your pain op. I am not a fussy eater and was always encouraged to eat everything as a child. I have two dc, one who is very fussy and it has been a long slow slog to expand their repertoire. My other dc is like me, keen to give things a go. I often feel despair at how much stuff dc dislikes but they appear to be thriving so they must be eating enough variety.