To be exasperated at fussy/picky eaters?

[Iloveabaconbutty]

Am I being unreasonable to be exasperated at "fussy eaters"? I was brought up to eat everything on my plate although as a concession my mum and dad said we were "allowed" not to like one thing - for me as a kid it was cheese I wasn't keen on (which as an adult I've actually grown to love). I also remember my mum's slight irritation - expressed lightheatedly and privately later on - at the schoolfriend who came to tea who didn't like this, didn't like that, was picky about the other, etc. and basically left everything she had prepared on his plate.

I enjoy eating pretty much everything and we've tried to encourage out kids to be unfussy eaters too, encouraging them to "try it", when they were younger, instead of getting away with saying "no" in the first instance and finding that that was acceptable.

Except that one of our daughters, now a young adult, has quite a list of things she doesn't like and won't eat - bananas, baked beans, tomatoes, porridge, just for starters. There are a lot more things as well, with particularly strong tastes or particular textures. She's also very hesitant to try anything new or different and dislikes coffee and wine. Her boyfriend is the same which makes meal planning a bit of a challenge when he comes to stay.

I'm wondering now - having read a bit about it online and elsewhere - if I'm being unreasonable about this and if there are very real issues for some people when it comes to what tastes unpleasant? ie.they really, genuinely cannot help disliking quite a wide range of foods?

I realise that my parents were brought up in the post-war years, with rationing etc and to be a "fuss-pot" about food wouldn't have been appreciated. We were brought up like this too - and to the extent that I now appreciate a wide variety of food I'm very grateful. But is this so straightforward for some people?

Okay, could I pass your information into the doctors who have fitted feeding tubes into children who will not eat enough food? They’d be so invested in hearing about your superior knowledge.

I'm guessing her solution would involve telling the children to choose not to have an eating disorder or something.

So @Secondwindplease does your "just snap out of it" attitude also apply to autistic people who literally cannot tell when they are thirsty, or hungry, or too cold or too hot or in pain? Introception - the ability to process what your body is telling your brain, is not actually something everyone has. Yes some people will actually starve rather than eat stuff they dislike, if they cannot perceive or recognise hunger or intellectually process what they need to do about it. Some of these are perfectly able to have a normal-seeming conversation with you about physics or minecraft while actually being about to keel over because they haven't eaten anything all day because the school menu got changed from what was on the calendar and they couldn't cope.

Beyond those with sensory issues and things like autism (which people on these threads always trot out as a gotcha), no, YANBU. I was also brought up with the approach 'here's your tea, eat it'. The idea of my mum asking what I fancied or cooking different things for different people just didn't exist.
I've known too many so-called adults who list their dislikes with an air of pride/pull faces when asked to pass round a bowl of greens and I am over it. I don't care if people don't eat things but I don't want to hear about it.

I’m afraid Yes, YABU as it’s facilitators of the “Clean Plate Club” like you and your parents that have sustained first-sin guilt around leaving a scrap of food on the plate which has led to generations of our population overeating and therefore fuelled an obesity crisis which of course is costing the NHS millions or billions a year. A better lesson to you and your kids would have been “When you’re full, stop eating” not “how dare you not eat all the sweet potatoes I’ve boiled with my martyr sweat”.

You can't force people to like food that they find unpleasant. I can't stand salad, I mean really can't stand it. It tastes vile, it smells bad and don't get me started on mayo, slaw, dressings etc... I can't help this. I've tried different elements, cautiously, on different occasions but even the thought of being made to eat the stuff gives me anxiety.
My Mam and my brother are just like you, OP, they will eat pretty much anything. I wish I was like that, it would make ordering food so much easier.
You've given your kids every chance to find a lot of healthy, nutritious foods that they DO like and by the sounds of it it's worked - so why get stroppy when they find things that they'd rather not eat. The beauty of being an omnivorous animal is the sheer amount of choice of foods available to us!

Agree with that

My dad is "oh but I don't really like broccoli/leek/mushrooms" and will only eat his favourite foods because he doesn't see the point in eating things that aren't his favourite

I don't like most veg, but eat it. I deliberately buy stuff I don't really like much because I know it's good for me. If I just ate what I wanted I would probably exist on pizza, cake and ice cream

Which is different to people with avoidant eating problems
Between
"Oh well it's not really my favourite thing so I don't want it" or "the sight of it makes me want to throw up and I couldn't eat it for a million pounds because it smells wrong"

Interesting concept…. If we were in a famine and starving, how fussy would our tastes be?

Interesting concept…. If we were in a famine and starving, how fussy would our tastes be?

The same as they are now. I can't physically force down food that makes me gag and vomit. It's doesn't matter what the circumstances are .....

I have zero patience with fussy, picky eaters. “ Mard arses” most of the time.

My parents were like you. Eat it all. Their choice of food.

As an adult I've discovered two things.
Firstly: The two things I disliked as a child and regularly had to eat, I now have severe aversion to. I'll vomit even at the smell of one of them. I probably would at the other, but it doesn't have much smell.
Unfortunately as a child we had one of them for every meal except breakfast.

Secondly: Actually I'm not a fussy eater-nothing like as fussy as my siblings. Yet I was labelled fussy and not them. Why? Because they ate the standard fare dm made. But actually I was far more inclined to try and like more "exotic" foods. They probably wouldn't try them. Just because my parents never served them it was "acceptable" not to like them. (I remember our grandparents taking us for a "posh" meal one time. I was absolutely spoilt for choice with all these foods I'd never heard of. One sibling opted for chicken pie and mash-which we had regularly at home. The other sat there with a face like thunder saying "I want sausage and chips" - which they didn't do. I think they ended up with toast because there was nothing they'd even try.)
As an adult I eat a far bigger variety of food than they or my parents do.

But also this: "a child won't starve themselves to death". Sorry, but I would win on that. If you gave me a choice of eating one of those two things or nothing, yes, I will and would as a child have starved myself to death. Dm tried it once. I quite enjoyed it. The pressure of eating what I didn't like was removed and I very happily got down from the table without eating anything for 5 or 6 days until she gave up.
The less I eat, the less hungry I get. Maybe that sounds good, but actually if I haven't eaten much it's a real struggle to eat. One of my dd's is the same.
It can very easily tip into an eating disorder though. I have to watch myself at times.

Why not RTFT?

I'm in my 60s and what I would describe as a mono eater. This means I eat everything of one type at the same time. No specific order, just what I want to eat first.

My DH makes layers on a fork with everything. I honestly can't think of anything more vile! I've never eaten cheese (I think I might have died in a previous life from a cheese related incident) or turkey (the neck dangly thing puts me off) or pork (bristles 😳) but I do eat bacon and sausages.

I think for me it's about texture - I tend not to have sauces, like the original taste of food. My DH likes to build a temple of taste that I would never ever do. I'm fairly certain that if I made myself do it I probably could but I just have a natural distaste of mixing things up.

I don't think this makes me a fussy eater, just a different eater. I don't like cheese, fine with cream/milk/butter. I can smell cheese in food, and I'm always right. TBH I think it would be great not to have the aversion but it's just a fact of my life.

Just going back to being picky, I would never demand anyone made changes for me. I'd eat round something, and have done many times.

I was raised at a time where if I didn’t eat my meals, I got nothing else. In fact a few times I remember being told I wasn’t leaving the table until I had eaten xyz. We were not offered alternatives, my Mum cooked one meal, and we ate it or went without. I am a fussy eater and always have been. My tastes have changed slightly over the years but I’m still what you would call fussy. I hate eating out with those who eat everything as all I get is ‘just try it, it’s lovely etc etc.’ I find those people a little judgemental, why do my food choices bother you?

@Wexone

That's dreadful and I'm sorry that happened

What I was trying to say, but badly, is that I don't understand why people my age act like it was standard and acceptable to make kids eat anything and that dislike of foods happens now simply because all "our' parents were all tough and we are not.

Erghh - that brought back memories! Ordering what appeared to be an innocuous-looking sausage dish (there was a picture, I think it was one of those supermarket cafes) turned out to be a huge mistake. When it arrived it really did smell of poo, and tasted like you would only imagine ....🤢🤢🤮. All to the huge amusement of the French family I was staying with, who knew exactly what I'd ordered. 😈😂 I honestly can't understand how anyone could ever find those things appetising!

I was also a student in that part of France many years ago, and often found it difficult to find something I could eat when dining out. I've never been able to eat fish or seafood of any kind, wrote off red meat as they always insisted on serving it rare, and am not keen on offal. Which did tend to rule out most of the things on the menu. I did enjoy a nice cheese, though - until the family I was au-pairing for served up a speciality Corsican cheese with live maggots inside ... 🤢 It's the only time I've ever felt like a picky eater! 😂

Years ago I was in a market in Nice when I saw Corsican saucisson d'âne (donkey sausage) on a meat stall. I was curious. Partner said 'I'll never speak to you again if you buy that'. I read, much later, that it's an attrape-touriste and probably mostly pork.

I don't like pineapple, rhubarb or olives. I won't eat them, although I've tried them and find them disgusting.

I don't eat meat, dairy, eggs, honey or any other type of food that has come from an animal.

Guess I'd be your worst nightmare.

My daughter and husband have very limited diets they don’t like much. I genuinely believe some people just don’t like a variation of food.

It drives me insane but it's not a hill I've chosen to die on. When they were very little (under 2) they ate everything. My second DD now 17 eats an ever shrinking selection.

I am picky.. always have been. I have vivid memories of sitting at the dinner table on my own as a young kid, trying so hard to finish my plate, looong after everyone had finished.😂

So many flavours are just so strong and overpowering for me, that it is unpleasant. I think I may be a super taster...because flavours that taste so strong for me are mild for other people.

Then there are lots of foods that cause abdominal pain and horrible digestive systems if I eat them. This is especially problemstic if they are foods that I Iove but can't eat because I am intolerant to them. What can I do? I just eat foods that I like and can tolerate, and try to have a balanced diet as much as I can. I make sure I still get in all the food groups and eat enough calories.

I think you've literally written the answer to you question in the post. "Except that one of our daughters, now a young adult, has quite a list of things she doesn't like and won't eat" Presuming that you brought this daughter up with the varied tastes and that you talk of in the post, clearly you can see that food aversion is not just poor training, spoilt parenting, or the like. Therefore clearly people can't help food aversion easily, which means it's unreasonable to be annoyed at it. This doesn't, of course mean that you can't be irritated by the consequences of it, but there is no need to be "exasperated" by it. Also it doesn't really sound like it affects you enough to be exasperated by it. I have a friend whose son is a very very picky eater. Personally I think there are things in her parenting style that exacerbate his behaviour, but I would never be critical of him or her, and never let it annoy me. Firstly, because I know I could be very very wrong about the cause and would never be critical based on my untrained suspicions, secondly because we eat with them maybe once or twice a year, and having to accommodate his needs in this way is not a problem. Even though I suspect he could be helped to change, it really doesn't matter to me whether he is or isn't. Yes it's unreasonable to be annoyed by something you know nothing about and doesn't affect you.

This

sometimes it’s just down to individual taste buds…
My DD doesn’t like certain foods. Occasionally will try them again encase she likes them now, but still doesn’t….
I was a fussy child, things I was ‘made’ to eat I still can’t eat, food I wasn’t made to eat, I’ve since tried as an adult and some I now like, others I still don’t but would eat if I had to.