To be exasperated at fussy/picky eaters?

[Iloveabaconbutty]

Am I being unreasonable to be exasperated at "fussy eaters"? I was brought up to eat everything on my plate although as a concession my mum and dad said we were "allowed" not to like one thing - for me as a kid it was cheese I wasn't keen on (which as an adult I've actually grown to love). I also remember my mum's slight irritation - expressed lightheatedly and privately later on - at the schoolfriend who came to tea who didn't like this, didn't like that, was picky about the other, etc. and basically left everything she had prepared on his plate.

I enjoy eating pretty much everything and we've tried to encourage out kids to be unfussy eaters too, encouraging them to "try it", when they were younger, instead of getting away with saying "no" in the first instance and finding that that was acceptable.

Except that one of our daughters, now a young adult, has quite a list of things she doesn't like and won't eat - bananas, baked beans, tomatoes, porridge, just for starters. There are a lot more things as well, with particularly strong tastes or particular textures. She's also very hesitant to try anything new or different and dislikes coffee and wine. Her boyfriend is the same which makes meal planning a bit of a challenge when he comes to stay.

I'm wondering now - having read a bit about it online and elsewhere - if I'm being unreasonable about this and if there are very real issues for some people when it comes to what tastes unpleasant? ie.they really, genuinely cannot help disliking quite a wide range of foods?

I realise that my parents were brought up in the post-war years, with rationing etc and to be a "fuss-pot" about food wouldn't have been appreciated. We were brought up like this too - and to the extent that I now appreciate a wide variety of food I'm very grateful. But is this so straightforward for some people?

I don't like bananas or porridge either and custard makes me heave. I remember sitting sweating with panic looking at a bowl of bananas in custard at primary school (in the 80s), surrounded by terrifying dinner ladies who were forcing me to eat it. Child abuse.

I've never forced my girls to eat anything nor cared if they don't like something. I know their likes and dislikes and cater for them accordingly. With love.

I have to say, I find it mildly annoying when adults are picky but I have no problem with children being picky. It's usually just a phase. If people want mealtimes to be a nightmare of control issues and end up with kids with an eating disorder or weight control issues as adults, they should absolutely carry on forcing them to eat everything on their plates.

You realise that those picky children will grow into adults, right? And that neurodiverse children eventually become neurodiverse adults?

I’m probably what would be classed as a fussy eater. I was brought up to eat what’s on the plate or nothing else was given. But it didn’t really dice me to be a better eater. There are some things I can’t stand the texture of - mushrooms being one, although I like sauce/soup that has mushroom flavour in it. I won’t eat tomatoes fresh or straight from a tin either but will have a bolognaise sauce based around tomatoes - and of course pizza!! I can’t tolerate anything spicy at all - even black pepper. I can’t cope with the sensation in my mouth. I’ve never tried curry to be honest even if I’m told it’s very milk. I’m also very picky with veggies. I don’t drink alcohol at all as I can’t abide the flavour of most alcoholic drinks or the sensation of being drunk. I won’t touch seafood either. I’m better now than I was as a kid.

I have 2 kids. One who pretty much eats most things just like her dad. She’s good at trying new things too. Very unusual as she’s also autistic. My other child (not autistic) is fussier than me and has a very limited diet. Both have been brought up the same and offered the same food. I also work with students diagnosed with AFRID and who can end up hospitalised and tube fed due to their food aversion.

YABU to have issues with fussy eaters. There is often more to it than you know. And that’s before we get into allergies and intolerances 1 quite a few in our family.

I love just about all kinds of charcuterie - prosciutto di Parma, Spanish Jamón ibérico, French jambon de Bayonne, salami, chorizo, Polish kabanosy, you name it. But in small doses. Also brawn, haslet, head cheese type things. And black and white puddings. Love 'em.

YABU.
I do appreciate your childhood has given you the view that it's a choice for people, but it's genuinely not in adulthood.
I am a really tricky eater, anything 'wet' is a no go. I cannot stand a great deal of textures even if I love the smell, the look, even the taste if a food has particular textures I can't eat it.
I want to, I've tried to, I'm a lot better than I was as a child. I'd eat the same meal every single day as a child, but I have a crap diet and will choose to not eat over trying something or eating something that I can't deal with the texture of.

And I so wish I wasn't like it. Social situations are stressful, going out to eat is a headache, and eating at other peoples houses is just a no go.

Weirdly I could eat a whole chorizo in a sitting - I guess it doesn’t taste like “long pig” to me!
Yes to the black and white pudding!

There is a massive difference between a picky kid going through a phase (which they nearly ALL do by the way) and a kid with serious issues like arfid due to neurodiversity.

I'm 30 this year and I have a very bland pallette my DS eats better than me and it's embarrassing when we go out in public and I have to ask for everything plain or without certain stuff, this isn't a life choice I wanted and if my mind would let me taste different things I would! I have always fed my children foods I don't like and they both have a wide variety luckily but we don't pick this life and there are valid reasons.

Yabu. Your daughter is an adult.

If your daughter is old enough to have her boyfriend come to stay and drink wine she is plenty old enough to make herself and her boyfriend food (or even better, let them cool together or let them cool for everyone!)

I'm 38 and I don't like wine, it's horrible. I only started drinking coffee about 4 years ago and I'll only drink fairly weak Nescafé azera coffee, anything else is too strong. I'm not a fussy eater at all.
My husband is a fussy eater and my kids are fairly fussy at times but they are only small.

Of course it's annoying and YANBU at all. The human race would hardly have made it this far if everyone refused to eat loads of things.
Animals don't do this unless they're spoiled pets and we are becoming much the same. Starving African children don't refuse their awful looking rations either.
Your daughter was brought up to be an unfussy eater but now is directing her food choices based on what she wants, this is what adults do. If her choices were once again restricted by war, famine, etc she'd soon stop being fussy. I suppose you could see fussiness as a direct result of too much choice.
Just stop inviting them for dinner.

@ComeOnWill you were one of the lucky ones the whose parents didn't hold your mouth open while the other spoon fed the food into you, then the one who was holding your mouth closed your mouth and held it closed until you swallowed it. If you didn't eat it you also got beaten. My parents had another way too, we sat in the back of the table and it would be push it up against us, then one would sit either side of us and they would sit there for hours while my dinner was in front of me . I wasnt allowed to move until it was all gone. That what happened in some houses growing up and its why i cannot stand roast beef and steak. I am also in my mid 40's. It happened in my house and also some of my friends houses. It wouldn't be allowed now

I absolutely hate it when people think they can control or be "annoyed" by other people's likes and dislikes. I am "fussy" always have been, and no amount of forcing/coaxing as a child made me like or be able to tolerate certain foods.

The most annoying thing is that I don't like a lot of "nice" foods. Bacon, pizza, cheese, all fish/seafood, Chinese food, wine, tea etc. I would rather starve than eat them and have gone hungry on many occasions when these foods are all that's on offer. And people always feel the need to tell me how they feel about the foods I won't eat. What I put inside my own body has absolutely nothing to do with anyone other than me.

I find it annoying. Can’t help it. I just wanna scream GROW UP at fussy eaters, but I never would obv in case they’ve got sensory issues or similar. I’d just act like it didn’t bother me at all. Exception would be if I had an NT bf or something who was picky - I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

You said they are young adults. It’s time for them to meal plan.

I’m careful about what I eat because I know how some foods make me feel afterwards. This is difficult to explain to people without going into graphic detail so I end up looking fussy.

Ever since I was a kid I prefer not to eat than to eat food I dislike. I'm not bothered by it and won't starve, so really not sure why others have an issue. Usually I'll be able to eat something but a work event recently had literally nothing I could eat for lunch.

My issue is intolerance (sea food of pretty much any description including most fish) as well as sensory / texture - food needs to be cut in the right direction as it can change something good into mush if cut wrong. I hate gritty things like beans - they're powdery and horrid.

An example of texture issues - I love broccoli if it's cooked until bright green. It can't be reheated as then it goes yellow or grey green and is mushy. Bleurgh.

There's so much food available why would I force myself to eat food that is likely to make me, at the very least, extremely queasy.

YABU

Kids should be encouraged to try one bite, but forcing to finish a plate is just stupid. If a kid is muscling through the gag reflex to force something down, that is just as wasteful as leaving food on the plate. Jesus, how can people not see that?

I just want to say thanks again to everyone who has posted. It's been massively helpful and really interesting to read so many perspectives on this which is clearly a big issue for a lot of people. I've learned an awful lot.

In her defence my daughter doesn't make an enormous thing about the foods she doesn't like and we work around that. In fact - as the way things are with her being back at home at present for a bit after finishing at uni - day to day she plays a very full part in planning and preparing meals, which is really helpful to us, her parents who are not often back from work until after 7pm.

Clearly this is a big thing for lots of people - people who are struggling with their own issues over food and for those responsible for prepping meals for them.

My question really is about me - Am I being "unreasonable"? In my situation the straightforward answer would be "yes". Although I can see that for lots of people trying their best to provide loved ones with a range of healthy food and discovering that's not straightforward, their simply being "unreasonable" isn't a necessarily a fair description.

What is definitely true is that having read all the posts here I'm far more appreciative of how complex the daily business of eating is for a lot of people.

So long as people accept the consequences.

My FiL is so picky as to make it impossible to cook anything for a family meal. When I adhere to all the "rules" he has, he still pushes things round the plate and at times, I've felt very offended when I've specifically gone out of my way to make a meal that adheres to all his rules (and it's a lot of fuss).

So we don't invite my in-laws round for meals anymore. And then they mutter about not being invited. Well, it's because I can't be fussing about baking fish on a Tuesday evening. My dad comes because he will eat chicken and chorizo pasta bake, or roast chicken drumsticks with veg rice.

I was forced to repeatedly eat things that made me feel physically sick as a child. As an adult I have a very limited diet because of it. My three children were brought up to try everything and anything but if they don’t like it they don’t have to eat it, I have two that’ll eat absolutely everything and one that has an extremely restricted diet (though he has ASD). It’s not about upbringing, it’s about taste, texture, likes and dislikes.

I am considered a fussy eater as I don't like tomatoes. It rules out a lot of Italian food and unfortunately that is what my family enjoyed. Later in life I have noticed my rosecea is much worse if I ever do eat them so wondering if they don't agree with me. I was under a consultant as a child as I wouldn't eat and letting me get hungry didn't help and I lost a lot of weight. I do still prefer certain textures.

My ex's mother considered him fussy as he hated pineapple and for some reason would always serve it whenever we went there, leading to what we called the cheesecake incident. She proudly served it up telling my ex he'd just have to eat it. He refused and I said that unfortunately pineapple is one of the textures I'm not keen on. Only for his sibling and dad to say they didn't like it either, as they had told her many times before. Normally I would have eaten it as she'd gone to the trouble of making it, but she did it knowing 3 people coming didn't like it. When FIL suggested she have some she scowled and said she didn't like it either. For her it was definitely a control thing.

But we are not starving, or in a war or famine. Why do you want people to be miserable?

I really hate these comparisons. We live in a wealthy country and have an abundance of food choices here. I'm not going to force food down my neck that I dislike just because somebody else in Africa is starving. It's like saying we should never take pleasure in anything because somebody else is worse off.

Tomato hater here too. I can eat tomato based sauces, but I can't eat raw ones in salads or sandwiches. I never buy supermarket sandwiches or wraps because there's always tomato in them.

both my children bought up with the same attitude to food but my daughter has a diagnosis of ARFID. (Avoidant restrictive food intake disorder). Some things cannot be helped. It’s more exasperating for parents who have to deal with this on a daily basis than it just being an annoyance to you.