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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep my son off school.

612 replies

ThankYouMama · 09/05/2023 06:31

GM.

My partner has been admitted into hospital for treatment for his OCD.

Our 6 year old son is upset and confused, our 17 month old is staying at my partners mother until he has finished his treatment and is feeling better.

Yesterday he behaved pretty badly, and is refusing to go to school today. I really don't want to send him, because I don't know how he is going to behave whilst there, and I will probably be on edge for the whole day

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 09/05/2023 09:17

ThankYouMama · 09/05/2023 09:15

Thank you everyone for helping me this morning, my son went in fine 🙂

Oh god, my anxiety always has to get the better of me at times.

That's good. I hope the teacher knows what's going on and can give any support he might need. Now go and get your baby back.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 09/05/2023 09:18

Just saw your update, glad everything went well. Look after yourself and hope you get the baby back home

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 09/05/2023 09:18

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 09/05/2023 08:45

Why have you posted again OP? Is it because people stopped posting on your other thread? Neither you and your partner work. The OP dropped in Hamleys/Harrods to show that she is wealthy. She is also paying for her DP's stay at the Priory. Your lives revolve around your DP's OCD and your eldest is showing signs of it. If I remember correctly, your DP was 17 when you got pregnant and you were in your 20's? You had only been with him a few weeks too. You said you knew straight away he would make a good father and that's why you got pregnant. He watches the baby while you drop your son at school then you spend the days out of the house till you pick your eldest up. The disfunction is damaging your children. I hope that if this is real, you seek help for yourself and eldest while he is away in treatment.

No it's. It because people stopped commenting on my other post!

I posted this morning because I was very anxious and unsure of what to do, this is called "mumsnet" therefore as mothers we are suppose to be supporting one another, NOT making nasty comments!

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankYouMama · 09/05/2023 09:21

Rubyupbeat · 09/05/2023 08:08

How do you cope with your toddler when your partner is at work?.
Why would you have another child if you can't cope with 2?.
I feel your partner is controlling you by telling you that you can't cope and that he wants his parents to have the toddler.
This won't stand you in good stead for residency if you split from your partner, never say never.
Go get the baby back!

My partner does not go to work, he usually looks after the baby whilst I do the school runs and go out during the day time, as you can imagine I'm lost without him.

I've been having to do the cleaning, cooking etc myself. I usually just do my own washing and ironing (of course I clean up after myself) I'm not used to doing anything around the house

OP posts:
LIZS · 09/05/2023 09:21

Good news. Now prepare for a conversation with mil about how she can support you while keeping ds2 at home. I suspect you are reluctant to make changes or go against your partner's instructions but remember he is safe where he is and you need to be practical in making your life easier and consistent for dc.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 09/05/2023 09:22

DrHousecuredme · 09/05/2023 07:33

I'm glad to see you're taking him. I've just come on to say please engage with the school and don't be scared of judgement or calling SS. Even if they do call SS it will be so that the family can get support. Not so that they can whisk your kids into care.
You sound as if you cheer some support and school should be able to signpost from you.

Your post makes me wonder, was/is your dh actually abusive with his OCD at all?

Is he telling you that you're not capable of taking care of the baby?

It does read as if you need some whole-family support to unpick the situation and get you on the right track.

Good luck

Well to be honest with you, there were times when he used to say horrible things to me... I guess it would come under emotional abuse.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 09/05/2023 09:23

Don’t let him and his Mum make you feel incapable. You are their parent so now you need to do what’s needed to keep the three of you happy and safe - and together!

PinkIce · 09/05/2023 09:27

Do you work during the day?
TBH going by past posts your partner sounds abusing and controlling, and has made you believe you can’t look after your own home and children.
You can. By perpetuating this level of control he has over you you are damaging both of your children.
Anxiety is shit, I know, but you need to prioritise your children and ensure they escape this massively toxic pattern they are being forced to live in.

LIZS · 09/05/2023 09:28

Perhaps view it as taking steps to protect the dc from his ocd. Ss will not intervene unnecessarily. Find a level of day to day cleaning and looking after them to your standards. Get a cleaner to keep on top of it since finances do not appear to be an issue. His ocd won't magically disappear with therapy nor will his undermining attitude to you. You cannot change him, just your response to it. Your therapist can help you do so.

MichelleScarn · 09/05/2023 09:28

ThankYouMama · 09/05/2023 09:21

My partner does not go to work, he usually looks after the baby whilst I do the school runs and go out during the day time, as you can imagine I'm lost without him.

I've been having to do the cleaning, cooking etc myself. I usually just do my own washing and ironing (of course I clean up after myself) I'm not used to doing anything around the house

Show quote history

So you don't do anything for your children usually, just yourself and you don't work either just go out and about in the day having fun?
Was your partner still at school when you met him?
It's a mn trope but imagining this in reverse 17yo girl meets man in 20s, is quickly pregnant and he leaves her alone with dc all day while he's out doing 'stuff' for himself, oh and he also does nothing at home for the family but makes sure he's sorted.
Use this time wisely op to step up and parent BOTH children!

nothingcomestonothing · 09/05/2023 09:28

ThankYouMama · 09/05/2023 09:21

My partner does not go to work, he usually looks after the baby whilst I do the school runs and go out during the day time, as you can imagine I'm lost without him.

I've been having to do the cleaning, cooking etc myself. I usually just do my own washing and ironing (of course I clean up after myself) I'm not used to doing anything around the house

Show quote history

I really hope this isn't real.

You're overwhelmed because you need to clean and cook? You're off to visit your own baby? Are you a 12 year old playing house?

You went out for breakfast with a friend instead of fetching your 17 month old home. Rearrange your priorities and start being the adult your children need you to be.

motheroreily · 09/05/2023 09:32

@ThankYouMama Did you partner say he'd only go to hospital if you sent the 17 month year to stay with his mum?

I've one of your other posts and it's so worrying. Mainly how this is effecting your two children.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 09/05/2023 09:33

PinkIce · 09/05/2023 09:27

Do you work during the day?
TBH going by past posts your partner sounds abusing and controlling, and has made you believe you can’t look after your own home and children.
You can. By perpetuating this level of control he has over you you are damaging both of your children.
Anxiety is shit, I know, but you need to prioritise your children and ensure they escape this massively toxic pattern they are being forced to live in.

No, I don't work.

I usually don't return back from the school run because I don't want to be around him, you don't understand what it is like being in a relationship with someone with severe OCD.

OP posts:
CheckingOutNow · 09/05/2023 09:35

Something odd about this post. The Hamleys/Harrods part was a nice touch. Not sure my kids would have loved a jaunt around Harrods when younger but 🤷🏼‍♀️

It is quite unusual to be admitted for OCD, even privately. It could be quite a long admission as OCD treatment isn’t a week or two. Can you go that long without your little one at home?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/05/2023 09:36

You don’t want to be around him but it’s fine for your baby to be with him alone all day? And now baby is with your MIL. So you never get to spend time with the baby?

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 09/05/2023 09:36

motheroreily · 09/05/2023 09:32

@ThankYouMama Did you partner say he'd only go to hospital if you sent the 17 month year to stay with his mum?

I've one of your other posts and it's so worrying. Mainly how this is effecting your two children.

Yes, because he doesn't trust me to look after him alone.

I've never ever brought any harm to any of our boys, he has never liked me taking bringing the baby around my friends, he says he doesn't want them holding him or touching him.

When I have taken him out alone, as soon as we walk through the door, my partner would undress our baby, when I asked him what he was doing he said "I'm checking for bruising and marks, because I don't know who is has been around" then he'd take him straight into the bathroom to bath him.

OP posts:
PinkIce · 09/05/2023 09:37

ThankYouMama · 09/05/2023 09:33

No, I don't work.

I usually don't return back from the school run because I don't want to be around him, you don't understand what it is like being in a relationship with someone with severe OCD.

Show quote history

I’ve been through enough to know that whilst it can feel impossible, there comes a point that something has to be done to make sure the children are ok.

You don’t want to be around him but you leave your 17 month old baby with him?
Your 6 yr old is copying him?
This is abuse, plain and simple.
You are more capable than you’ve been groomed to believe.
You have 2 children, for their sake sort this out.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 09/05/2023 09:37

CheckingOutNow · 09/05/2023 09:35

Something odd about this post. The Hamleys/Harrods part was a nice touch. Not sure my kids would have loved a jaunt around Harrods when younger but 🤷🏼‍♀️

It is quite unusual to be admitted for OCD, even privately. It could be quite a long admission as OCD treatment isn’t a week or two. Can you go that long without your little one at home?

Well, they have a toy section and it's pretty close to his school.

OP posts:
greyhairnomore · 09/05/2023 09:37

Sounds like a strange set up.
Neither of you work , you're out all day.
You do nothing at home ?
Why on earth did you think having a second child was a good idea?
Let me guess - your husband wanted it ?
You need help.

LIZS · 09/05/2023 09:37

I usually don't return back from the school run because I don't want to be around him, you don't understand what it is like being in a relationship with someone with severe OCD.

But that also means not spending time with your ds2. Why not take him too, does he socialise outside the family at all? And you can come and go freely now he is away.

LIZS · 09/05/2023 09:39

Hmm Hamleys and Harrods are hardly next door!

Skybluepinky · 09/05/2023 09:39

Sounds like u are passing in yr anxiety to yr kids, u should try and keep things normal , they should go to school and u should be looking after yr other child.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 09/05/2023 09:39

Yes my partner was admitted privately, we have bupa full coverage but it doesn't cover it.

I don't know how long he is going to be there for, no doubt will he offer to pay in full or half. I feel as his partner I should pay, this could be the making of our relationship.

OP posts:
LittleBlueBrioTrain · 09/05/2023 09:40

@ThankYouMama with all the kindness in the world, please use this time whilst your partner isn't around to start working on your own issues. Your codependency isn't healthy and both of your mental health conditions are affecting both of your children. You appear to be in a very fortunate financial position of being able to access private support so please do. This is no life for any of you. I wouldnt be surprised if your anxiety greatly reduced once your partner isn't around...

BodyKeepingScore · 09/05/2023 09:40

SchoolTripDrama · 09/05/2023 09:08

This is a load of nonsense!!!! Schools do NOT contact social services because there's only one parent in the house! How do you think single parents manage?! We don't all have social workers ffs

Show quote history

Schools don’t contact social services - but the mental health team automatically put a referral through to gateway when a parent is hospitalised. Most times gateway check in with the other parent and if there are no support needs, they close. But the hospital and/or mental health team will have had to notify social services.

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