To keep my son off school.

[ThankYouMama]

GM.

My partner has been admitted into hospital for treatment for his OCD.

Our 6 year old son is upset and confused, our 17 month old is staying at my partners mother until he has finished his treatment and is feeling better.

Yesterday he behaved pretty badly, and is refusing to go to school today. I really don't want to send him, because I don't know how he is going to behave whilst there, and I will probably be on edge for the whole day

I think this is the right decision. You should let the teacher know what's going on so they can be supportive. If it helps, I once had a child start her first day in Reception on the day her mother was Sectioned leaving her very young Dad with a four year old and a newborn to care for. He coped brilliantly, I'm pleased to say and the children were fine.

I'm glad to see you're taking him. I've just come on to say please engage with the school and don't be scared of judgement or calling SS. Even if they do call SS it will be so that the family can get support. Not so that they can whisk your kids into care.
You sound as if you cheer some support and school should be able to signpost from you.

Your post makes me wonder, was/is your dh actually abusive with his OCD at all?

Is he telling you that you're not capable of taking care of the baby?

It does read as if you need some whole-family support to unpick the situation and get you on the right track.

Good luck

Tbh it does sound like ss need to be aware of your situation. You say you're unable to care for your 2 children due to your anxiety, you need support. They don't just take children away, they would support you.

@ThankYouMama sorry to hear you're in this position. I was recently discharged from an 8 week hospital stay due to my mental health. The most important thing, and the advice of the team supporting my partner at the time was to keep things as normal as possible. The day following my admission, our youngest were kept off school as the previous day had been tiring and upsetting for everyone. So I think the one day won't do your DS any harm.
On a bigger scale though, sending your 17 month old to live elsewhere is likely to cause you further problems in tbe long run. The children need stability and consistency whilst they're already dealing with the trauma of their dad being unwell. It's also likely he won't be "well" upon discharge... he'll simply have improved enough to no longer need acute care. In addition to caring for your partner, you will also then be faced with a toddler whose life was turned upside down and the behavioural changes that come with that. I'd think long and hard about your youngest staying elsewhere. It is a stressful experience, but there are supports out there for families in your position. Having been in a situation similar to yours (and my partner would agree) removing one of the children from your home is a bad move.

You've got such bad anxiety you're going to struggle to send your son to school but you can go into central London this evening?

As a parent who has had social services involvement, if you can't cope with both kids, I think someone like early help at the least needs to be involved. What would you do if your partner left you or passed away? Send your baby away permanently?

@ThankYouMama

"When I'm anxious it shows, I don't want my sons teacher to feel as if I can't manage and call social services ☹️"

Social services won't be called because you're experiencing anxiety... they will be informed regardless because there are children in the house and your partner is admitted to hospital. This is standard in most cases. They may however raise concerns that you are unable to cope with both children in his absence and that the decision was taken to have one live elsewhere rather than enlist help which would allow them to stay in the home.

Social Services have a range of services available to support caters of those with MH difficulties, I'd avail of those.

You must know your baby is attached and emotionally dependent on you? A significant separation at a young age can have a detrimental impact that may have long term repercussions. Do you usually do what your husband demands when it goes against what you know or want?

In which ways can't you look after your 2 children? Are you getting any support for yourself? Do you have contact with a HV? There may be things that you could get help with so that you can support both your children.

This... in this scenario children don't need toys and gifts thrown at them. They need to see that their caregiver can provide safe and consistent boundaries and structure during a very upsetting time. They need to see that mum can hold the fort while dad is unwell, they need to feel safe in the knowledge that their life is going to be okay in the midst of all the changes. Toys and bribery provide none of this security.

It is clear from previous threads that your dc are both already being conditioned into his behaviour pattern and to perceive his ocd traits as acceptable. You too normalise his behaviour and conform . Please believe that you should not and do not have to be this uncomfortable in your own home. He is controlling you and your dc, every thing is on his terms and to meet his needs.

I assume noone is "allowed" to visit? So outside sources of support are restricted and you feel more trapped at home. Might this be behind much of your anxiety, can you access therapy to support you through this period and help plan a different future for yourself and your dc, with or without your dp. Your hopes and needs have as much value as his.

Sounds like he needs the routine and normality of school more than ever. If you do keep him off it should really be for one day only. You can’t keep him off because of your anxiety, that’s incredibly unfair to him.

Just because your partner requested it does not mean it needs to happen. Do you want the baby away? How long will it be for?

If at all possible, I think you need the wee one back. Your partner is away, his sibling is gone, what does this say to 6 year old? His family is falling apart. Give him any stability he can have. Take a duvet day, cuddle, give him attention, be reassuring and then go and get the baby.

This is also really traumatic for the baby. They need their mummy!

Intergenerational trauma in action right here. One child gets sent away as mother “can’t cope”- what message does that send to them and to their brother about them? Why isn’t the partners mum just helping out instead? What makes you think the environment that your now hospitalised partner grew up in is going to be a better one that your baby’s own home? How do you propose to ever learn to look after both of your children when you don’t do it? How can you possibly take your older child to central London when you claim to not be able to take him to school due to anxiety? And why aren’t you spending your spare time seeing your baby?
i really despair of people like you. Get some professional help to actually raise and parent your own children instead of damaging them and perpetuating the cycle of poor mental health for your own kids.

This wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing, you might need the support

How do you cope with your toddler when your partner is at work?.
Why would you have another child if you can't cope with 2?.
I feel your partner is controlling you by telling you that you can't cope and that he wants his parents to have the toddler.
This won't stand you in good stead for residency if you split from your partner, never say never.
Go get the baby back!

I have read more and am glad your son is going to school in these circumstances. I think your family really needs support. Do not listen to your partner about the baby. Do not worry about SS. You could be doing with whatever help they can offer. They will not want to remove your children, they will want to help you cope with both of your children at once, because that is in everyones's best interests. Why don't you call them?

I would also ring your partner's mother and get the baby. See if she can offer help in your home. What is the difficulty with both children? Think of what you struggle with specifically, so that you can get appropriate solutions lined up.

Your 6 yr old's world blew up; he senses his dad mum and gran are all very upset about something he doesn't understand. Dad and his sibling have gone.
He's worried The Revolution is not over yet; either you will disappear or he will get sent away .

What he desperately needs is a return to normal routine; a day at achool where everything is just the same as usual, doing his normal childish things . Send him to school and don't forget to tell him the exact arrangement for the rest of the day " At three oclock I will collect you from school and we;ll come home for tea. What shall we have? Then we'll watch TV and make a card for dad.

Why have you posted again OP? Is it because people stopped posting on your other thread? Neither you and your partner work. The OP dropped in Hamleys/Harrods to show that she is wealthy. She is also paying for her DP's stay at the Priory. Your lives revolve around your DP's OCD and your eldest is showing signs of it. If I remember correctly, your DP was 17 when you got pregnant and you were in your 20's? You had only been with him a few weeks too. You said you knew straight away he would make a good father and that's why you got pregnant. He watches the baby while you drop your son at school then you spend the days out of the house till you pick your eldest up. The disfunction is damaging your children. I hope that if this is real, you seek help for yourself and eldest while he is away in treatment.

@ThankYouMama I find it very overwhelming to take care of the both of them alone and my partner is aware of this.

What if you were to become a single parent? No marriage or relationship is immune from the risk of splitting up!

There are millions of single parents out there, caring for children the same age as yours! I think it's incredibly odd that you've shipped off your youngest ☹️ Poor kid

Hope he went to school ok.
Now it's time to get the baby home and if you need help with them, get your MIL to come to you, or get your family to come and stay. You need the kids home to make things normal for the older boy. You will learn to deal with both together, separating them isn't helping you or them.

This is a load of nonsense!!!! Schools do NOT contact social services because there's only one parent in the house! How do you think single parents manage?! We don't all have social workers ffs

You are failing your children. Sorry that is harsh but it's true, and I say that as someone with lifelong anxiety. As in, I was unable to work for most of my 20s, so it's not that I don't get it.

You can't just say you can't cope with your children and avoid looking after them. They're yours, you had them, you have to cope. How will you ever be able to cope if you don't make a start? And frankly when your DP isn't there sounds like a better time to try, given that you both allow his unaddressed mental health needs to dominate your family's life when he's there.

Prioritise your children.

Oh opthat sounds so unhappy for you. Can you access support for yourself

Thank you everyone for helping me this morning, my son went in fine 🙂

Oh god, my anxiety always has to get the better of me at times.

Yes he did, thank god!

Just having some breakfast with a friend, I'm going to and visit the baby soon 🙂

You really need to be able to look after both of your children. Why have them if you cannot look after them? The oldest one needs to go to school and you do need to get the youngest one back. Kids love a routine. The oldest one already has had days off school, its imp that he goes back and has an opportunity to interact with other kids and learn