Page 24 | To keep my son off school.

ThankYouMama · 2023-05-09T05:31:34+00:00

GM. My partner has been admitted into hospital for treatment for his OCD. Our 6 year old son is upset and confused, our 17 month old is staying at my partners mother until he has finished his treatment and is feeling better. Yesterday he behaved pretty badly, and is refusing to go to school today. I really don't want to send him, because I don't know how he is going to behave whilst there, and I will probably be on edge for the whole day

Original poster

ThankYouMama · 10/05/2023 19:43

@LadyPenelope68

Do you feel better now you've made that horrible comment? I can only assume you do.

Please do not tell me what and what my therapist said, were you there with me? were you a fly on the wall? no you wasn't so therefore keep your opinions to yourself, you say you were a social worker, but you don't come across as a nice person, I bet you used to take away peoples children to make yourself feel "better and powerful"

OP posts:

Original poster

ThankYouMama · 10/05/2023 19:43

BSB30 · 10/05/2023 19:42

@ThankYouMama You are not a bad person at all and you have been very honest on here which I admire you for.

Thank you, I am a very honest person, I do not tell lies.

OP posts:

BSB30 · 10/05/2023 19:47

@ThankYouMama I am with you there. Honesty is a good quality. I wish you felt able to continue talking on here but if you don't feel able to, feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

CaptainMyCaptain · 10/05/2023 19:50

I think the OP is confusing advice to seek help from ss with wanting them to 'take away her children'. That's not what social workers do except in very extreme cases. Most people have suggested you need proper support, that's all.

Original poster

ThankYouMama · 10/05/2023 19:50

fitzwilliamdarcy · 10/05/2023 18:06

I’m another one that hopes the school has noticed by mine missed the fact that both my parents were raving alcoholics with toxic codependency, who left me to try and protect my younger sibling. Rich family, of course, so it couldn’t be abuse. Money will cover up all sorts, sadly.

I have a lot of empathy reading these threads. For the children.

There is nothing for my Child's school to notice, he loves going to school, he is a pleasure to teach and is popular amongst his peers (that's what was written in his last report)

Yes there was a minor incident which me and his teacher spoke about, I'm glad she had noticed and brought it to my attention (I expect that from the teachers and staff, after all we pay near to 8k per term for his education and it's their duty to care and nurture him)

OP posts:

Reasonableadjustments · 10/05/2023 20:04

@ThankYouMama you are naive.

ReadersD1gest · 10/05/2023 20:05

ThankYouMama · 10/05/2023 19:50

There is nothing for my Child's school to notice, he loves going to school, he is a pleasure to teach and is popular amongst his peers (that's what was written in his last report)

Yes there was a minor incident which me and his teacher spoke about, I'm glad she had noticed and brought it to my attention (I expect that from the teachers and staff, after all we pay near to 8k per term for his education and it's their duty to care and nurture him)

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So why were you considering keeping him home? 🤷🏻‍♀️

callmemavis · 10/05/2023 20:09

Thought you were leaving the thread

Original poster

ThankYouMama · 10/05/2023 20:09

@ReadersD1gest

Is that all you have to say?

I was considering keeping him home because I was panicking and I didn't want him to be upset during school.

He went to school yesterday, and had a nice day.

OP posts:

ReadersD1gest · 10/05/2023 20:12

No, it's by no means all I have to say... but we won't go there.
It was a simple question, if all is sunshine and rainbows at school, why start a thread asking should you keep him home.

LadyPenelope68 · 10/05/2023 20:13

@ThankYouMama
Social Workers don’t remove children to have themselves feel better and powerful, what a ridiculous comment. They are there to protect children and work with families.

Numerous people in this thread have highlighted all the concerns about your situation, yet you continue to deny any issues. Wake up and smell the roses before Social Services do become involved and your continued denial is seen as failure to protect.

Teder · 10/05/2023 20:14

You’re not a bad person. You are an unwell person and it is distorting your thinking and how you perceive the world. The result of not fully recognising this and refusing to try and get more help (medication, speaking to the school or Social Services) then you risk a worse outcome which includes harming your children.

I don’t believe you actively wish to harm your children. But if you are able to get MORE help and get your emotional and mental health better, one day you’ll look back and see how damaging this was for your children and for you.

They are young enough to repair the damage and you can turn this around. It’s not easy but it’s possible. I hope you decide to seek all the help out there.

Original poster

ThankYouMama · 10/05/2023 20:18

Teder · 10/05/2023 20:14

You’re not a bad person. You are an unwell person and it is distorting your thinking and how you perceive the world. The result of not fully recognising this and refusing to try and get more help (medication, speaking to the school or Social Services) then you risk a worse outcome which includes harming your children.

I don’t believe you actively wish to harm your children. But if you are able to get MORE help and get your emotional and mental health better, one day you’ll look back and see how damaging this was for your children and for you.

They are young enough to repair the damage and you can turn this around. It’s not easy but it’s possible. I hope you decide to seek all the help out there.

Yes, my anxiety is very bad at times

OP posts:

Original poster

ThankYouMama · 10/05/2023 20:22

ReadersD1gest · 10/05/2023 20:12

No, it's by no means all I have to say... but we won't go there.
It was a simple question, if all is sunshine and rainbows at school, why start a thread asking should you keep him home.

Read my first post, all is explained there.

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Onlywords86 · 10/05/2023 20:34

The issue with paid for help as opposed to public help is the paid for variety often caters to what the customer wants to hear and often isn’t as good. Like you op, I live in a nice part of London and have the ability to pay for things in the way you describe, however from experience I can absolutely confirm that this isn’t always the best help.

As many people have said, SS are there to help and are amazing at supporting parents who are finding it difficult to look after their children, exactly like you. You might live near Knightsbridge and take taxis rather than the underground, but that doesn’t mean you’re exempt from the standards of those who don’t have your lifestyle.

People on this particular have been enormously kind (in fact, by Mumsnet standards, it’s one of the kindest threads I’ve read). Try not to see it as horrible and upsetting. Everyone is trying to help.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 10/05/2023 20:34

ThankYouMama · 10/05/2023 19:50

There is nothing for my Child's school to notice, he loves going to school, he is a pleasure to teach and is popular amongst his peers (that's what was written in his last report)

Yes there was a minor incident which me and his teacher spoke about, I'm glad she had noticed and brought it to my attention (I expect that from the teachers and staff, after all we pay near to 8k per term for his education and it's their duty to care and nurture him)

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I wasn’t suggesting anything about your son’s behaviour or progress at school. I was expressing my hope that school notices his chaotic and harmful home life, and takes steps to help him. The other adults in his life are failing him.

I was also expressing how sad and angry I am that my parents managed to cover up, from the school, the chaos and harm I grew up using the veneer of money and class. I was hoping for better for your son than I had.

RampantIvy · 10/05/2023 20:46

Excellent post @Teder

Original poster

ThankYouMama · 10/05/2023 20:46

@fitzwilliamdarcy

He doesn't have a chaotic and harmful home life, since when did you know us and live in the same house as us? never!

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 10/05/2023 20:53

ThankYouMama · 10/05/2023 20:46

@fitzwilliamdarcy

He doesn't have a chaotic and harmful home life, since when did you know us and live in the same house as us? never!

To be fair, OP, you've said yourself that your child copies his father's rituals and cleaning routines.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 10/05/2023 20:57

ThankYouMama · 10/05/2023 20:46

@fitzwilliamdarcy

He doesn't have a chaotic and harmful home life, since when did you know us and live in the same house as us? never!

He lives with two parents with severe mental health problems who are modelling frightening and confusing behaviour, his baby brother has been removed from the household, his dad has disappeared and his mum is prioritising his dad over him and his sibling. If it isn’t chaotic and harmful then what is it?

Reasonableadjustments · 10/05/2023 21:00

ThankYouMama · 10/05/2023 20:46

@fitzwilliamdarcy

He doesn't have a chaotic and harmful home life, since when did you know us and live in the same house as us? never!

I'm really sorry but he does have a suboptimal home life.

Pinkflipflop85 · 10/05/2023 21:04

He has a very harmful home life.

The fact that you can't accept that is even more harmful.

Teder · 10/05/2023 21:12

@ThankYouMama engaging in talking therapy is great. It’s a positive step that shows you want to make changes. Your situation is really tough and I honestly believe you need more help than just therapy. This isn’t a criticism of you. This is about your severe anxiety, managing the tricky task of motherhood and your partner’s severe mental illness. That is a HUGE amount to deal with.

I don’t think “just starting medication” is the answer. I think there are many things you can do to slowly make changes and see improvements. This includes having supportive friends and family, considering medication, possible psychiatric appt for yourself,
getting specific child based therapies e.g. play therapy, getting help with childcare (doesn’t have to be a nanny, could be a babysitter or a mothers help). These are all ideas and I’m sure some will be more suitable for you. You may have done some of these or think of more helpful ones.

I am struck by the fact you clearly have access to considerable funds which means you can access resources most people could only dream
of. I hope you use this to your advantage and make life so much happier and healthier for you and your boys. Don’t you think you are all worthy of that? Don’t you think you deserve better? Don’t you think you should be thriving and enjoying life more? Best of luck, seriously. I hope you seek out as much help as possible. Your anxiety is telling you not to but you won’t be judged. Asking for help is extremely brave. I’m glad you posted, I hope you can take something positive away from this.

offyoufuckcuntychops · 10/05/2023 21:27

ThankYouMama · 10/05/2023 19:50

There is nothing for my Child's school to notice, he loves going to school, he is a pleasure to teach and is popular amongst his peers (that's what was written in his last report)

Yes there was a minor incident which me and his teacher spoke about, I'm glad she had noticed and brought it to my attention (I expect that from the teachers and staff, after all we pay near to 8k per term for his education and it's their duty to care and nurture him)

Show quote history

OP, you keep mentioning the cost of school fees, but I have paid the sums you mention several times over (more than one DC from 4-18), so that tells you nothing. Regardless of how much you are paying, any decent teacher would notice that a child is struggling with family issues. If you think they haven't noticed, you are deluding yourself. Your older child has seen his younger brother being shipped off to his grandmother. He wishes he were there too. His father, his primary caregiver, is suddenly absent. You are unable to parent him in a stable and reliable manner (he's going to sleep with his iPad, not with bedtime stories and safe routines). This will all come out at school, through his behaviour if not through his words.

My very extensive experience specifically of private schools is that anyone who isn't in a pretty middle of the road 'mould' attracts attention. The 'mould' is middle class/educated and generally reliable/responsible/engaged with their children and the school. The outliers are those who don't conform to this stereotype. I know it sounds snobby, but the outliers stand out to the teachers as well as to the other parents.

Or this is what I am telling myself, because it's a bit of a comfort to think that your 6 yr old will be on the radar of his teachers, when neither of his parents is able to care for him adequately.

offyoufuckcuntychops · 10/05/2023 21:29

A bit more brutally: if you carry on in the way you are, and SS become involved, you will be regarded as culpable for failing to protect your children.