To keep my son off school.

[ThankYouMama]

GM.

My partner has been admitted into hospital for treatment for his OCD.

Our 6 year old son is upset and confused, our 17 month old is staying at my partners mother until he has finished his treatment and is feeling better.

Yesterday he behaved pretty badly, and is refusing to go to school today. I really don't want to send him, because I don't know how he is going to behave whilst there, and I will probably be on edge for the whole day

If it is, I'm with the PP who says they would report her to SS if they knew who she was in real life
Same here. If this is a real situation then there are two poor children coming to harm with likely no end in sight because their parents either won't prioritise their children's welfare or aren't capable of prioritising their children's welfare

I think there is a lot of agreement about how damaging this is for the children.
IMV there's more chance of improving things for the children if posters were to stop haranguing the OP and offer /continue to offer help ,support and advice .

Be kind .
You catch more flies with honey than vinegar .etc
And the OP is struggling ,she needs help .Not kicking .

But you accusing people of being trolls or fantasist when you don't actually no doesn't help anyone and is actually against mumsnet rules so in reality you should be the one being reported. Repeatedly reporting posts to mumsnet is irritating to mumsnet and doesn't help the op. If you don't like something scroll past.

I’m not sure the MIL in all of this is helping much, she seems to be feeding into her sons obsessions and pushing the idea that the OP can’t look after her own baby. Rather than helping support her to do so she has just taken in the baby which isn’t going to help the OP.

You need to get proper support to look after yourself and your children, look at the charities mentioned, pay for help in the house, but keeping feeding the narrative of you can’t do it won’t help anyone. You need to take control of sorting life for you and your children

I’m not sure the MIL in all of this is helping much, she seems to be feeding into her sons obsessions and pushing the idea that the OP can’t look after her own baby. Rather than helping support her to do so she has just taken in the baby which isn’t going to help the OP.

good point.The OP has said that she needs parenting classes and I think she'd benefit enormously .Parenting is HARD and if you come from a background where this isn't acknowledged it's even harder .

That is only beneficial if OP actually takes on board what people are saying…which she isn’t. She’s actively ignoring questions people are asking and valid comments people are making and being very selective with what she actually replies to.
You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped and OP has snubbed the majority of good advice here making excuses for why it’s not for her.

Also, when someone suggested sending the 6yo to MIL's, the OP said she wasn't sure MIL could cope with both. So it seems like no-one involved can cope with both children at once, which is worrying in itself

You don't know she's ignoring it give her time not everyone agrees with everything straight of especially if their being insulted and feel like they have to defend themselves.

What good advice has the OP been given ,I've not really noticed much ?
I know she's been told off about the I Pad and putting the child to bed ( not saying that I agree this with this at all ) and told to use the opportunity while husband away to create a better home life .
But maybe I've missed it .

You don't know she's ignoring it give her time not everyone agrees with everything straight of especially if their being insulted and feel like they have to defend themselves.

very true

Starting meds, reaching out to school, ss. Parenting classes. Pointing out she's probably being made to feel she's useless by dh and mil which has potentially made her lose confidence.in her parenting abilities.

Hi all,
We have made several deletions and would like to thank those who have brought posts to our attention (bearing in mind the final decision as to what to do is always ours). We will be speaking to quite a few posters.

We'd like to remind everyone for the second time on this thread that troll-hunting is not allowed on MN. It introduces doubt and mistrust and, when wrong, the results can be very damaging. We politely ask that you report, and then let us do our job in the background. If your suspicions mean you no longer wish to participate in the thread, so be it.

Candidly, we have been shocked at the lack of empathy in some of the responses on this thread, and we can see that we have some work to do.
We can never vouch for a poster 100%, and we never try to, but where we have investigated background and asked for the benefit of the doubt to be given we would expect MNers to either click away or stick around to help.

Do please have another look at our guidelines. If you feel you can't post within them, then perhaps consider that Mumsnet may not be the site for you.

Starting meds, reaching out to school, ss. Parenting classes.
She's agreed to the last two of those 3 ,and I think the parenting class was her own idea or suggested by her male supportive friend .

Pointing out she's probably being made to feel she's useless by dh and mil which has potentially made her loseconfidence.inher parenting abilities.

That's more of a reflection than advice ,surely ?

Sorry I missed the ss .

Reflection is good, whatever helps. Which is why it's so important for threads not to be deleted so that op can look back and reflect when she is ready

Hope you're having a better day today OP! You've got an awful lot on your plate at the moment. Its important to look after yourself too. If you don't feel ready to start meds yet maybe this is something you can explore in your therapy?

I hope your six year had a good night sleep My husband works away with work regularly and when he does the rules are always less strict (more screen time, can sleep in bed with me etc). Do whatever you need to do to survive!

Hopefully he went off to school happy today! Have you to them dad isn't around? . In another life (before kids) I was a primary teacher, i would strongly recommend you talk to the school. You might be suprised how much they can help not just your little boy but you as well!

Giveyour 17 month old lots of cuddles when you see them! I'm in a different situation to you (pregnant with number 2 and very high risk/horrific pregnancy- been in hospital more than out) but the midwives have reassured me that no lasting damage will be done to my 18 month old because I've not been around as much/can't play as much etc etc. I understand mine is very temporary, but it could be a goal of yours to build confidence with your little one whilst your husband is away.

sending lots of love x

I think the thing is that some things will take time to have an impact on the household, but in the mean time there are still two children who are being harmed by the situation now, in real time.

Sending one child away but keeping the other, not wanting to be around a man but leaving a young child with him most days, etc is damaging, the idea that a child would be more wanted if they were a girl over a boy is damaging.

If the OP is wealthy enough not to be able to work indefinitely then she is wealth enough to have some paid support in the house. Get a nanny in, keep the children at home, start taking appropriate medication, hire a cleaner. There are lots of options out there for those privileged enough to have money.

Finding excuses and hoping nobody at school speaks to social services because you want to stay under the radar, whilst continuing to perpetuate unhealthy behaviours isn't good for the children and they have a right to be safe now. Not a right to be safe and cared for at some point when their parents and grandmother finally decide to.

Haven't RTFT but I have read your other. All I can say is that what you're describing was my childhood, but with the roles reversed, different MH conditions, and alcohol involved. I've been in therapy on and off for my entire adult life, I'm incapable of trusting anyone so have never married and had my own family, and I feel alone most of the time. I no longer speak to my parents.

I can almost guarantee you that that's where you're headed if you prioritise your partner over your children.

I think that the idea of having a nanny is a good one. @ThankYouMama you will be able to keep both children at home and provide stability for them.

You need to understand that your children must come before your husband. You are their advocate. Your husband has been gaslighting you by telling you that you are unable to do things.

I am not hiring a nanny, I don't want a complete and utter stranger helping me to look after my children, and my partner wouldn't like that neither.

Maybe you need to start thinking about what's best for your children, rather than what you want? Given that you're completely unable to care for both of them at the same time.
It's an unusual position to be in, tbh.

I agree with you, OP.
It would not help you to have a stranger in the home.

Your partner would be very distressed by it, apart from anything else. His OCD would not allow him to cope with having another person to deal with in his safe space. He would be constantly worrying about her bringing in germs and not doing things his way in the house. Having a nanny would not work for your family.

How is your partner getting on, by the way? Have you been able to speak to him, and do you know how long he is likely to be in hospital?

I'm sorry things seem so overwhelming at the moment. Maybe when the dust has settled a bit, you can suggest to him that you'd like to have your toddler back with you. I have a feeling that at the moment, it feels too difficult for both of you to do this, for different reasons.

I attended therapy this morning, I was very open with my therapist today.

I really hope your husband is honest with his health care providers who will then contact ss. Your children’s needs are not being put first here.