To keep my son off school.

[ThankYouMama]

GM.

My partner has been admitted into hospital for treatment for his OCD.

Our 6 year old son is upset and confused, our 17 month old is staying at my partners mother until he has finished his treatment and is feeling better.

Yesterday he behaved pretty badly, and is refusing to go to school today. I really don't want to send him, because I don't know how he is going to behave whilst there, and I will probably be on edge for the whole day

I honestly don't know what to make of this thread. @ThankYouMama you don't seem to understand some of the basic points PPs have made. That may be due to denial or perhaps something deeper is going on.

In terms of practical solutions, would it be possible for you and your children to stay with your partner's parents temporarily? Then you would all be together and you would receive the support you need. I think you mentioned that your DP's parents live about 45 minutes away? Your elder son could easily attend school from that distance. Many children make a similar or longer journey to school each day. And it wouldn't be forever, just while your DP is hospitalised.

Sending your baby to live with your DP's parents for weeks (or months?) seems like the worst possible solution for everyone involved: you, your elder son, and above all your younger son. I'm genuinely shocked that you admit you would have spent more time with the younger child if you'd had a girl rather than a boy. That makes me think there are some attachment issues involved.

I agree. This is a fairly surreal thread.

OP I am sorry you are going through a difficult time, but please listen to some of the very well meaning answers above. It sounds like you have lost perspective as to what parenting is.

It’s great you’re getting therapy, but therapy is a bubble. It’s focused on YOU not your children.

You really need to be with your baby and your older son. It is very unusual for a mother to be ok living away from her baby, and your comments on gender are very unusual too. It suggests you desperately need support bonding with the baby before it’s too late. Someone above suggested either a nanny or all of you livin with MIL - you need to do one of these. You need to be together as a family.

I think you should really be open to SS as well. My partner and I live in a nice area, have good jobs and are usually on top of things. However after DD was born, his mental health plummeted. Our midwife referred us to a family worker who I think saved us. A family worker could help you have more confidence actively parenting. At the moment it sounds like you either don’t parent (as with your baby) or you reply on emergency measures (toys, iPads - it’s not usual to get a 6 year old to sleep by leaving them in your bed with an iPad and it’s not fair on his development long term). Surely you’d feel better and be less anxious if you had support that would alllw you to really engage with your children? To know you could look after them?

I’ve had anxiety in the past and I think that by running away from responsibility, anxiety is often enabled. Your life seems to revolve around you and your partner. This is totally normal for people in their 20s without children, but you’ve made the active decision to have two, and you need to step up and start taking responsibility for this.

Whilst in therapy today, I told my therapist that I signed up to a site in search of help and advice, I explained that some of the comments were very horrible and some people even said that my children should be taken away and that I'm a bad parent, which I was really upset about.

Her answer to that was that I should have never signed up asking people who don't have the qualifications to give advice, and if they did they would be more understanding and that a lot of people get their glory out of other peoples misery.

I told her everything that has/is happening and she said it's best to keep my youngest child at my mothers house as long as he is comfortable there and will receive love and care and that he will never forgot that I'm his mother, and also that I should focus more on my other child and give him plenty of reassurance.

Yes, absolutely! Please listen to this Op

I explained that some of the comments were very horrible

As quite a few posts have been deleted they must have been horrible, but your disordered thinking is taking a lot of the well meaning and supportive posts as being horrible as well.

I suspect the deleted posts were from posters frustrated at your lack of engagement. You posted on here asking for advice, but are being extremely stubborn and negative about accepting any form of constructive advice.

You have responded to every useful and practical suggestion with an absolute non negotiable no.

Are your parents around? Can they not offer any support?

You need to find a better therapist. That advice is appalling.

@Onlywords86 - but that is SUCH a twisted rendering

two parents who have never worked, with severe MH problems requiring inpatient care, - they haven't got severe MH problems and the admission was through self referral at The Priory .

one child being kept off school because his mum can’t get herself organised to take him, - where did that come from ? the child hasn't been kept off school .The OP considered it because she was stressed ,feared she's have a panic attack and was concerned that the child would have a bad day at school because he too was stressed .But took him anyway .

baby being care for by MIL as parents can’t be bothered with him, the OP finds it overwhelming looking after both children when she is alone .The father,who expresses physical and verbal affection all the time to the children ,thought this would be the solution while he's away .

Mum more interested in hanging out with her friends than parenting. The OP stays out of the flat because she finds it hard to cope with her partner's OCD.

Minimal housework happening. The OP may not do much housework but her partner is always cleaning .

I told her everything that has/is happening and she said it's best to keep my youngest child at my mothers house as long as he is comfortable there and will receive love and care and that he will never forgot that I'm his mother, and also that I should focus more on my other child and give him plenty of reassurance.
Your therapist told you that?
I suspect, (like with the "very horrible" comments on this thread) you've heard exactly what you wanted to hear.
Just reflect on why anyone would advise you that one of your young children will fare best while being cared for out of your home, by someone else.
That is not a positive thing...

I'm not sure a decent therapist would say all of those things - have you perhaps interpreted it a way you can cope with?

To my mind your thinking seems kind of disordered. You're ignoring the bits of reality that you can't face and focusing on what a victim you are. This isn't healthy.

I say this with kindness, but you really must access better help, and shift your focus from yourself to your children, and what they need.

To my mind your thinking seems kind of disordered. You're ignoring the bits of reality that you can't face and focusing on what a victim you are. This isn't healthy.

That's the anxiety talking.

You have responded to every useful and practical suggestion with an absolute non negotiable no.

This isn't true .Very few practical suggestions have been made - the MIL lives too far away for the 6 year old to keep going to school

the OP doesn't want a live in nanny ,but has said she's considering a nursery placement

she doesn't want to take medication ,but surely it's normal to try a talking therapy first anyway ?

Yes, @RampantIvy I think there's certainly an element of that.

I know when I have one of my more serious depressive episodes my thinking becomes vErY weird. It doesn't need to be a psychotic break to have a major impact on your interpretation of reality.

Why are you still posting op if you find everyone so horrible and unhelpful?
Also really surprised at this Her answer to that was that I should have never signed up asking people who don't have the qualifications to give advice, and if they did they would be more understanding and that a lot of people get their glory out of other peoples misery rather than telling you you cannot control how other people interpret what you say and their reactions.

I am concerned that a therapist would suggest to only focus on one child and essentially forget about the other one.

Her answer to that was that I should have never signed up asking people who don't have the qualifications to give advice, and if they did they would be more understanding and that a lot of people get their glory out of other peoples misery.

I told her everything that has/is happening and she said it's best to keep my youngest child at my mothers house as long as he is comfortable there and will receive love and care and that he will never forgot that I'm his mother, and also that I should focus more on my other child and give him plenty of reassurance.

Is that verbatim, OP? Because if your therapist said that, find a better one. I'm serious, that is not okay for a therapist to say to you. I'm a therapist, no therapist is 'qualified to give advice' any more than anyone here is, that's not what therapy is. If your therapist actually told you to leave your toddler out of your care, they are way out of line.

she doesn't want to take medication ,but surely it's normal to try a talking therapy first anyway ?

often the medication is needed to get into a place where you can properly access - and succeed with - therapy. Otherwise you’re in such a place that you can’t actually properly focus on it.

I was very anti medication (for me) I tried therapy and it failed. When I reached a point where I decided I needed help taking medication helped me stabilise to a position where I could access it properly. I have now got to a position whereby I don’t need the daily medication (I still have a rescue med but need it a lot less now) because what I was able to access in therapy I am now in a position to put into practise.

realistically for any therapy to work it needs a lot more than just turning up!

OP clearly gave a very one-sided view of advice from here. And did not cite people’s genuine concerns.

OP you post like you have just ‘told tales’ on MN posters and got us into trouble. What an odd thing to do. Does anyone here care what your therapist thinks of posters?

This is about you and your family. Ultimately we here are irrelevant and any ‘points’ you have won are meaningless.

that verbatim, OP? Because if your therapist said that, find a better one. I'm serious, that is not okay for a therapist to say to you. I'm a therapist, no therapist is 'qualified to give advice' any more than anyone here is, that's not what therapy is. If your therapist actually told you to leave your toddler out of your care, they are way out of line.
Agree with this.

A professional and responsible professional therapist is not going to comment on the safeguarding arrangements surrounding a child or give advice on where children they don't know are best placed to live.

I would suspect what's more likely (assuming that the therapist is a professional) is they've questioned why the OP has gone online to survey a range of viewpoints from strangers when her own mental health is in such a place that they're unlikely to be willing or able to engage proactively with the inevitable comments.
They may then have also facilitated OP through her thoughts and the OP has come to the conclusion that she's obviously right and the therapist says so, or there's been a passing comment acknowledging that the baby is adequately cared for at MILs house, rather than a statement that it's entitled fine to pass your child off when it's too much (but you'd keep them if it was a girl).

I find it almost unbelievable that anyone in a professional role working with vulnerable people would ignore basic safeguarding training and professional standards in the way the OP claims.

OP clearly gave a very one-sided view of advice from here. And did not cite people’s genuine concerns. @CheckingOutNow

Well the OP's description of responses on here seem pretty accurate to me
I explained that some of the comments were very horrible and some people even said that my children should be taken away and that I'm a bad parent, which I was really upset about.

I'm going to end things here now, I will no longer be posting, I'll leave you to talk amongst yourselves.

I don't blame you @ThankYouMama .

Good luck with it all .