To keep my son off school.

[ThankYouMama]

GM.

My partner has been admitted into hospital for treatment for his OCD.

Our 6 year old son is upset and confused, our 17 month old is staying at my partners mother until he has finished his treatment and is feeling better.

Yesterday he behaved pretty badly, and is refusing to go to school today. I really don't want to send him, because I don't know how he is going to behave whilst there, and I will probably be on edge for the whole day

Your children need routine & stability. And your 6 year old would benefit from the toddler being at home. How odd must a little 6 year feel now that his father & sibling aren't there.

@ThankYouMama Loads of posters have given you some helpful and constructive advice, and you have said no to every useful suggestion. I don't really know what you wanted from this thread, but you cannot continue like this.

Read all the posts from posters who grew up in similar situations to that of your children. You are irreparably damaging them by splitting them up, refusing to seek proper help or accept helpful advice and staying with an emotionally abusive man.

What do you want to happen?

I don't think a treat is the answer. It will just highlight that his life has been turned upside down.

Agree. God, how messed up is "I'll bribe him to go to school with a trip to Harrods", while the toddler isn't even allowed to stay in his own home at all?
Utter car crash.

You can't fob your youngest on to MIL forever, and clearly his father is not an appropriate carer. Are you going to step up and start looking after him?

Have you arranged therapy for your oldest child's OCD tendencies?

Your partner has no say in how you cope short term. Or are you not willing to allow anyone into your home, just as he does not. If it enables you to manage both children do so.

But you've already said your oldest has clear OCD tendencies which derive from being around his Dad. Do you want the same for your youngest?

I am not hiring a nanny, I don't want a complete and utter stranger helping me to look after my children, and my partner wouldn't like that neither
So it's acceptable to send a child away, but it's not acceptable to have professional childcare?

It's acceptable for children to be raised in a harmful environment, but not acceptable for someone to provide professional at-home childcare?

It's acceptable for children to be raised in a harmful environment where neither parent is prioritising the children's welfare, but a nanny who can appropriately care for the children is unacceptable?

It's acceptable to put parental preferences over the children's right to a safe upbringing and healthy home environment?

Why are you focusing on you and your partner's preferences over the safety and wellbeing of two innocent children who have the right to a safe and healthy environment?

The OP has said a couple of times that she has arranged therapy for her older child, with regard to his OCD.

The child may also have OCD, of course. It can be genetic. Or the child may be copying his father. But the OP is aware of it.

I don't think his doctors would contact SS if he has OCD. He's not a direct risk to the children as such- there are many parents with far worse MH issues and SS would (arguably rightly) not get involved. He's a voluntary patient who's chosen to seek intensive help, not been sectioned etc. If professionals contacted SS all the time for people seeking treatment, it'd discourage all parents from trying to get help, fearing it means they risk losing their kids (and yes, that is something SS sometimes do, they're not always supportive to families in the way some portray. I say that with knowledge of how it works and that some social workers are helpful. But getting them involved is very much a gamble.)

Don't get me wrong, I don't think the situation is good, but he is getting treatment, and so is OP somewhat. They have family support.

@ThankYouMama I will say, I have been left severely disabled for life by MH issues and that is partly a result of my childhood- my father's wellbeing was central and we children were emotionally neglected.

I'm not saying you're doing that, but you need to be really sure to centre your own attention on your LOs, even when he comes back. And please make sure you attend to them both equally. Your baby didn't choose to be born male.

OP to keep it simple, your priority has to be your kids- your first though in every situation should be what is best for them.

You’re admitted that lots of things currently happening are not. Being separated from you is not what’s best for your toddler. Being left with one parent who has OCD where even you can’t bear to be in the house is not best for them. Being checked for bruises by Dad because he thinks Mum isn’t capable or might hurt them is absolutely not best for them.

Can you use the time when your DH is in hospital to think about how to change this so your kids are getting what is best for them and work out better ways to treat your anxiety?

I say this with heartfelt sympathy OP, as someone who has been there and also got out of the situation.

Your own mental health will be exacerbated by your husbands mental health problems. I know he is unwell and it's not his fault but if he is not willing to do anything to help himself, there's not much you can do. A person with mental health problems cannot effectively look after another person with mental health issues. It's a recipe for disaster. Unless your husband accepts treatment (as in medication etc) then nothing is going to change. It's that old saying of you can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results.

If it was me, my first step would be to explain kindly to your husband what affect his OCD is having on the children. Explain that he needs to take medication for his own sake and for his children's sake. I would even go as far as telling him he was being selfish for not doing so.

If he refuses to help himself and the family, I would seriously consider your living arrangements going forward. At the heart of the matter, you need to think: what is the best situation for the children? Not you or your husband, but the children.

Stripping a child down to look for bruises every time he has been out is emotional abuse. I have been told this by a social worker in regards to a case with similar behaviour. Teaching a child to be paranoid that everyone is a threat and could potentially cause bruises to them is emotional/psychological abuse. Having to bow to their dads very unreasonable demands which are completely out of the ordinary, making the children walk on eggshells constantly, is emotional abuse.

I say this as kindly as possible because I do know how hard it is to be proactive and change things. It's scary and you do panic about being able to cope. I also know that your own mental health would be so much better without your husband around. It would encourage you to make your own decisions, learn to look after your children as well as be able to live the life you want, and not be dictated to by another adult.

Always have in the forefront of your mind that it's about the children - what do they need? And no, keeping the family together is not always the best option. If I had done that, my children would have had a horrendous childhood and upbringing and would have had serious mental health issues. Now they are older, they thanked me for not staying as they have seen themselves how their father is.

Please take a step back and look at this situation from an outsiders perspective and don't focus on what your husband needs, but rather what your children need.

@ThankYouMama

Have you always felt so negatively (or flatly might be a better descriptor?) towards your baby son? Did/do you ever feel like that about your eldest child?

If your MIL offered to take one or both of them long term, how would you feel about that?

If you and your partner were to separate, who would the children live with?

I think you need to start putting your children first. You say you can’t manage them on your own, you need help. Your partner doesn’t get to dictate what happens. You are putting your children at risk by with your attitude/outlook on the whole situation.

If we take the money away, and put you in a council flat, we have two parents who have never worked, with severe MH problems requiring inpatient care, one child being kept off school because his mum can’t get herself organised to take him, baby being care for by MIL as parents can’t be bothered with him, Mum more interested in hanging out with her friends than parenting. Minimal housework happening. Every “neglect” box ticked, I think.

You are putting a veneer of respectability on this by claiming you go to Harrods and have Bupa cover, but any other family like this would have significant SS input, child in need status for both children, need for parenting courses etc. You need to stop pretending that because you have family money your parenting is fine. It isn’t.

if he is not willing to do anything to help himself, there's not much you can do

@BSB30 Unlike OP, he's doing everything he can for his health, to be fair. He's voluntarily gone into private inpatient treatment.

I get what you mean though that OP can't be his unpaid CPN, she needs to leave his psychiatric care to professionals when he's out, and focus on her LOs who are her responsibility.

severe MH problems requiring inpatient care

@Saschka It always depresses me a bit when people put it this way- I had years of therapy, I didn't have to, I chose to, to improve myself because I wanted to be even better.

Similarly with OP's partner, he hasn't been sectioned he didn't have to go in, he chose to. (I'm not denying he's ill or anything, but that he's seeking help doesn't in itself mean he's one of the worst cases there can be necessarily, and count against him.)

For instance, 70% of inpatients for OCD at the Maudesley NHS hospital, are incontinent of urine and faeces by the time they get there, because they're so slowed down by the requirements of their compulsions, or they don't dare touch their stuff. I expect the average voluntary private inpatient, is nowhere near that bad.

@porridgeisbae He has gone in voluntarily as an inpatient which is fantastic and hopefully they can convince him to take the medication.

They have anxiety and OCD, that would be unlikely to trigger involvement by SS. Anxiety is very common indeed. He's not been sectioned (at least this time/as far as we know in the past) and OP is in voluntary therapy she chooses to have, she doesn't have to.

Let's face it, a lot of families are a bit crap, a bit of emotional neglect isn't something that would even ever come to SS's attention usually (depending how bad her DS's OCD symptoms get and if it becomes visible at school I suppose- but again, the help they're getting him is presumably voluntary from his parents. The average family wouldn't be doing that.

@BSB30 Maybe I missed something but I imagine he's having meds involved as he's gone in.

It's OP that isn't bothering with meds.

Or did I miss something?

the help they're getting him is presumably voluntary from his parents. The average family wouldn't be doing that
Eh? You think op and her dh are going over and above what "average" people would do?
By accessing help for their child displaying behaviours likely caused by his home environment?
Very peculiar viewpoint.

OP said that both her and her husband refuse to take medication.

Let's face it, a lot of families are a bit crap, a bit of emotional neglect isn't something that would even ever come to SS's attention usually (depending how bad her DS's OCD symptoms get and if it becomes visible at school I suppose- but again, the help they're getting him is presumably voluntary from his parents. The average family wouldn't be doing that.

This isn't a case of a bit of emotional neglect or a slightly less than ideal home life or families being a bit crap.

Most people don't send their children away because they can't cope.

Most people don't decide that they might keep their baby with them if it was a girl but because its a boy it can be palmed off onto a relative.

Most people don't spend all day out the house because they don't want to be home with their spouse.

Most people would not leave a baby all day with the same spouse that they were opting not to be around all day.

Most people don't one minute say they're hoping social services aren't alerted to the situation at home and then the next talk about going to Hamlet's and Harrods to bribe their children.

It's fairly unusual for a thread linked to safeguarding to have such a strong, almost unanimous, response on here. There's a reason for it.