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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask you to tell me honestly what you'd think of someone in my situation?

136 replies

korey · 08/05/2023 16:13

I am constantly worried about what people think of me to the point where I talk about it in therapy and it is a focus to try and work on. I thought I should just bite the bullet, ask on here for honest opinions?

Im a single parent to a one year old. My ex left me two months into the pregnancy. I own my home but obviously live there alone with dc, average income of 55k. Ex does pay maintenance but never sees dc.

My therapist thinks I am more judgemental of myself than anyone else would be and I think it’s probably to do with my upbringing… what happened to me when pregnant is a hot topic for gossip among those i grew up with. However this fear has now extended to nursery… i dare not speak to any other mums as I don’t want to have to explain I’m a lone parent. I’m so embarrassed. im 38 now too so it’s unlikely I will meet someone and obviously don’t have the time anyway.

Im truly not asking for nice responses to make me feel better, I really want to know honestly what you’d think of me, and what your own background is… i feel like among the people I know this is just the worst thing to happen to someone and you are just an awful person if it has. I am so scared of sharing who I am for fear of judgement.

OP posts:
HTruffle · 08/05/2023 16:14

In the nicest possible way I wouldn’t care at all. Not as in I wouldn’t care about you, I just wouldn’t be bothered one way or another about your personal circumstances. I used to worry terribly what other people thought and honestly one day just decided to stop. Life is much better!!

Daisysdandy · 08/05/2023 16:15

I promise, I wouldn't even think anything. Like it doesn't register as something to think about. It really is u judging yourself. Probably nobody would pay it a seconds thought.

Lefteyetwitch · 08/05/2023 16:15

You wouldn't appear on my radar.

TemporaryName123 · 08/05/2023 16:16

Genuinely I wouldn’t think anything negative apart from what an arse your DC’s dad must have been! Nothing but respect here for single parents, I struggle with 2 and a DH! You’re doing great 👍

Original poster
korey · 08/05/2023 16:16

Thank you for responding. I have been so so torn up about it. I miss being able to chat to people as I just hide away these days. I used to be so sociable and happy with who I was.

OP posts:
ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 08/05/2023 16:16

Oh look, an entirely normal person that I barely noticed because they are boringly normal.

I wouldn't even think that, it simply would not enter my brain.

I expect posting asking for opinions probably isn't the suggestion your therapist gave you...?

Doublegloucester · 08/05/2023 16:16

Loads of parents with different backgrounds at my nursery/school.
One of daughter’s friends (5 years) a single parent and it’s never been an issue that’s even been discussed or mentioned. Very normal.

GrunkleStan · 08/05/2023 16:16

Quite simply not my business.

Dilemma19 · 08/05/2023 16:17

If I knew this about you, this is what I would think. What a POS your ex is for leaving you pregnant and not having anything to do with their own child, what an amazing and strong woman you are to do that alone, hold down a job, have your own home and take care of your dc on your own. That is the honest truth. The judgement would be for your ex, not you.

mbosnz · 08/05/2023 16:18

I'd think you're a strong, independent, bloody awesome woman who is providing for her child. I'd think you're smart, being without the deadweight of a prat who couldn't step up.

SRK16 · 08/05/2023 16:18

Literally wouldn’t register. I have friends who are lone parents at a similar age, I’ve never thought much of it. No one else will think about it.

Original poster
korey · 08/05/2023 16:19

A lot of my fear of judgement is that I don’t know anyone who doesn’t know their dad. I am embarrassed dc is in this situation.

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 08/05/2023 16:19

If I knew you I would probably feel sympathetic and sad for you that your ex treated you badly, but other than that it wouldn’t seem at all out of the ordinary. I am married but the single parents I know have a variety of reasons why, from choosing to adopt as a solo parent, being left by their partner, leaving their partner, bringing up a grandchild , it is very common, I can’t imagine anyone thinking much of it.

AHugeTinyMistake · 08/05/2023 16:20

Literally wouldn't care that you're a single parent. Lots of women are. My best friend is.

Nothing to be ashamed of having picked a loser for your kid's dad - he's the one that should feel shame. It's no reflection on you at all.

Original poster
korey · 08/05/2023 16:20

Thank you for replies

OP posts:
SpringHexagon · 08/05/2023 16:20

I would think 'well done to this person, owning their own home and making their own way in life for them and their child. Such a shame you are having to do it alone but fair play'. No negativity or judgement here 😊

Pashazade · 08/05/2023 16:21

If I realised you were single I might wonder why, if I knew your ex took off so early I'd think what an arsehole and hope you were able to make ends meet as a single parent because it can be tough even in the best of financial times. I would make no ethical or moral judgement of you in this situation. Anyone who does is not someone you need to worry about, certainly not worthwhile friend material.

Holly60 · 08/05/2023 16:21

I'd very possibly want to be your friend. You sound awesome

Ponoka7 · 08/05/2023 16:21

What do you think about single parents who rent? Are they worthy of your time? I met my current partner at 52. You need to build your self esteem and it might seem out there but things like meditation also help thought processes.

Brunilde · 08/05/2023 16:21

I'd probably be in awe of you. I find it hard enough parenting in a couple and have ended up in a minimum wage job despite probably being the brightest kid in my school. Seems like you're doing well to me. Honestly you'll be much happier if you can mange to stop worrying about what others think.

As the saying goes 'those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter'.

AlisonDonut · 08/05/2023 16:21

korey · 08/05/2023 16:19

A lot of my fear of judgement is that I don’t know anyone who doesn’t know their dad. I am embarrassed dc is in this situation.

I'm 55 and don't know my dad if that helps.

CuriousOranges · 08/05/2023 16:21

Any shame you feel is not yours to carry

Stellaroses · 08/05/2023 16:22

Absolutely no opinion.
Now that I’m thinking about it I do know some families with no father in the picture (am a teacher so I know a lot of families). Hasn’t really factored in my thoughts tbh.

BringItOnxxx · 08/05/2023 16:22

Unless you're writing from the 1950s I can't see what you're afraid of. There are so many lone parents these days, it's not unusual at all. Some mothers are lone parents by choice through sperm donation. I would think we'll done you for working and looking after your son. Most people I know would respect you more for managing on your own. I hope you get over this feeling of shame. I agree however it's easy to feel different if you're in a minority of seemingly happy couples/nuclear families. Can you move to a more diverse area?

mbosnz · 08/05/2023 16:22

OP, I do know people who don't know their Dad is, or, worse, who have been told their Dad is someone that it is not.

It's to his detriment that he has nothing to do with his child. It says absolutely nothing about you. What your actions are, how you provide for, care for, and love your child, that is what reflects on you.