to ask you to tell me honestly what you'd think of someone in my situation?

[korey]

I am constantly worried about what people think of me to the point where I talk about it in therapy and it is a focus to try and work on. I thought I should just bite the bullet, ask on here for honest opinions?

Im a single parent to a one year old. My ex left me two months into the pregnancy. I own my home but obviously live there alone with dc, average income of 55k. Ex does pay maintenance but never sees dc.

My therapist thinks I am more judgemental of myself than anyone else would be and I think it’s probably to do with my upbringing… what happened to me when pregnant is a hot topic for gossip among those i grew up with. However this fear has now extended to nursery… i dare not speak to any other mums as I don’t want to have to explain I’m a lone parent. I’m so embarrassed. im 38 now too so it’s unlikely I will meet someone and obviously don’t have the time anyway.

Im truly not asking for nice responses to make me feel better, I really want to know honestly what you’d think of me, and what your own background is… i feel like among the people I know this is just the worst thing to happen to someone and you are just an awful person if it has. I am so scared of sharing who I am for fear of judgement.

It sounds like your life is very much in the normal range, with the exception of quite a high income for a single person so I'd probably be interested in what your job is 😁 I hope you find a way to get past these feelings, it seems such a waste when it sounds like you have a nice life xx

Whenever I find myself over worrying about anything I remind myself “people are far more worried about their own lives than mine”. I think you just need to own it, tell people that you’re a single parent rather than make it a huge secret. Be vulnerable. People may very well surprise you!

First of all 38 is young and you absolutely can and will meet someone else (if you want to).

Secondly, I think honestly as I am a nosy person I would wonder what the reason is that you're on your own, but not in any negative way, I would just be curious what had led you to be in that situation.

If it makes you feel any better, two friends of mine have been in exactly the same situation. No-one thought anything negatively about them and they're both very happy now with new partners.

So you're constantly worried what others think about you including the villagers and the school mums. You're worried about what your therapist thinks about you worrying and now you're asking a lode of randoms here what we think of you! If you went on Reddit, Love Island, and Big Brother I still don't think the feedback will help so I'm unsure why you're asking.
Shall we vote?

Yes - I think you're a right looser who couldn't hold on to her man. He deserves better.
Yes - l think your a capable independent mother, doing a great job of raising her child whilst pursuing a career. You're a great catch.

I think youre probably someone who has quite high standards for herself but accept imperfections (and maybe crap) from others. With therapy you might find this stems from your childhood or from your BF blindsided you and abandoning you. That's enough to knock anyone's confidence. You've recognised there's a problem and you're seeking help. You won't necessarily get to be a 'nicer/better' person, but in time you will believe what we know - you are enough.

If it helps op when my DD was born her dad went to prison a month after she was born, I also was made redundant shortly afterwards whilst on mat leave so I felt this feeling very strongly. A single mum with no job and babies father in prison 😬 when I started working I felt deeply ashamed and obviously didnt tell.anyone he was in prison, just that he wasnt involved but even that I was mortified about. DD is ten now and I dont even give it a second thought anymore (I was in a dark place for many years tho, I didn't just wake up over it after a few months). I still keep my cards very close to my chest but I care less what people think now. It helps that I have moved on with my own feelings about the situation and have a new partner. DDs dad is also no longer in prison and she has a relationship with him so it doesn't feel quite as sordid anymore and I dont feel like I have a dark secret as I have emotionally distanced myself from it all

Would a younger you have judged you, op? I can't think of anyone who would feel that you are somehow to blame or should carry any shame for this situation - I'm sure you do your dc proud

I am so scared of sharing who I am for fear of judgement.

I think you should also reflect that your relationship and parenting status is not ‘who you are’. You are still you, the person you were before this tumultuous period happened - innately you have not changed. But you just have some extra responsibilities now, and a few battle scars no doubt. But you are still the good person you always were. Don’t be defined by a dickhead, OP.

I never knew my dad if that’s one of the things you worry about. If I’ve ever told anyone, they haven’t judged me or my mum at all. Thats is to the father who decides not to be involved. And if I got to know you at nursery/school and found out you were a single mum? It wouldn’t even register as something to judge you on. I judge on whether someone is a nice person, I don’t care how much they have, who they are etc. being a good person is the thing that speaks to me.

I wouldn't think anything about your personal situation - I would admire your ability to earn £55k. I might have a DH but have never come close to earning even half that salary !

As others have said, in the nicest possible way, I really don’t care about the fact that you’re a single parent. That sounds worse than it did in my head lol, what I mean is, your family situation is nothing to do with me and I have no feelings about it all. It’s just factual information. It’s neither good or bad and I wouldn’t assume anything about you because of it.

Most people are too focussed on their own shit to be ruminating on or judging other peoples lives. I’m sure some do but that says more about them and the fact they aren’t very good people anyway if they judge people on stuff like that.

Lots and lots of people are single parents,bi sexual,gay ,straight,rich or poor and I talk to everyone x
We live in a world where things are different to years gone by and people are more open,honest and accepting.
Smile at people.say hello and maybe you will find people don't judge and are just not interested in your situation and it's your imagination running wild x

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t know their dad. I am embarrassed dc is in this situation.

That's on him though.

You should be proud that you are on a good salary & supporting yourself & your daughter.

Don't let your circumstances-or rather how others have treated you define you.

My son is now 21, I was 19 when I had him and he has never had contact with his father. I was concerned about being judged on my age and also the same worries you have about being a single parent. Usually these are all in in your head and for the small minority that are judging - just prove them wrong. My son is at university now and aside from the odd question/conversation about his father he is content with the family he does see and who make an effort.

If you're a single mother who owns your own home and holds down the kind of job that pay £55k, all I woukd think is wow. Honestly, I'd be impressed to the point of awe.

What r u embarrassed about? I genuinely don't know why you think people would judge u x

I know a few women who are single moms by choice, meaning they had their kids via sperm donor.
I am planning on doing the same, since I havent been lucky enough to meet someone to start a family with.
Also have friends who have raised their kids without their dad in their lives, for one reason or another.
It is absolutely normal and nothing to worry about

This. DS is 11 and has been at a number of different schools in two different countries, and in each setting, and his different friendship groups, there’s been a significant minority of single parents (via circumstances or by choice via adoption or IVF), same-sex parent duos, and other non-traditional set-ups. Two of his closest friends are (1) conceived via a Danish sperm donor to a single mother, and (2) the adopted child of two gay men. Your situation wouldn’t make anyone give it a second thought.

Almost a quarter of dependent children in the UK are from single parent families.

The average age for a single parent is 39.

..So you are really not in an unusual position, OP. I doubt it would register with anyone other than those with very old-fashioned or ignorant views.

www.gingerbread.org.uk/what-we-do/media-centre/single-parents-facts-figures/#:~:text=In%20the%20UK%3A,families%20with%20dependent%20children%20(i)

Honestly, I wouldn't think anything about it. There are all kinds of different family set ups these days for all kinds of reasons. I used to be a primary school teacher and I've seen all sorts.
As a single woman with no children I have the utmost admiration for anyone who brings up children - whether that's in a partnership or as a single parent. I actually don't know how people do it - I struggle enough to ensure I have a stable life for myself.
If you told me the ex had left 2 months into the pregnancy I'd think he was a complete shit. He's the knob who created a child, then waltzed off and now doesn't even bother to see the child. Unfortunately this happens to a lot of women. There are a lot of awful, useless men around. But that also means that you aren't alone.
If people you grew up with are gossiping about you, let them, they can fuck off. It's got nothing to do with them!
What sort of background are you from? Are there religious and cultural norms at play here?

If I thought anything I would think that you are a very successful person. You own your own home , earn over the average salary and have a child.
Unless there is something you are not telling us I don't see anything to be negative about.
To be honest though I don't think most people have particularly strong feelings about people they don't know.

I think you need to deal with your own stigma of what you believe single parents are.

I was the same, and wasn't anywhere near as in a good position as you, pregnant at 23, DD was always wanted but I had to move back in with my parents, was a single mum, all my big ideas of who I was going to be changed. Other mums didnt care at all, I did though once I grew into single parenthood and realized I was doing a good job, that DD wasn't any different to any other child and was excelling than I started to accept myself more.

If the people you socialise with have an issue with it it is there problem not yours.

The comments and judgement from the people you grew up with have taken root in your head.

I can relate a little bit to how you’re feeling. My husband left me a few years ago, we have 3 dc. I felt shame about it for months after it happened. Not anger, just this intense shame. I avoided going to places where I might bump into school mums as I couldn’t face potentially having to explain. I’m sure the reason that I felt like that was related to all those ignorant things you hear people say (I have never forgotten reading a comment on here once in a thread about a woman who’s H had left her. One poster had written ‘think what you like, I’m not the one whose husband has left her.’)

What helped me was thinking about what my own thoughts had been about others who’d experienced the same thing as I had in the past. I quickly realised that in fact, I had not judged them negatively in any way. I had only felt empathy towards them.

So I think what your therapist is saying is true. I think sometimes we believe that other people are far more interested in our lives than they really are. Most people are too busy trying to keep their own lives together. Some people are undoubtedly judgemental about others and enjoy any opportunity to raise themselves up by talking others down. We should obviously avoid those people as much as possible!

And to answer your question, I’d actually feel a lot of admiration towards you if I were to get chatting to you.

You're embarrassed about being a lone parent?
In my neighbourhood, you'd be embarrassed about the high income.

DD had a buddy who didn't know who her dad was (mom refused to tell her). Another peer whose dad went to prison. Crap happens, not the kids' faults.

I wouldn't think anything. You sound completely normal, like me. 🙂

I'm a single mum, with one ds. I own my house, work full time, earn about the same as you. My ex morphed into weird controlling 1950s man when DS was a week old. We left when ds was 2.

Why worry? You are in control and strong, too sensible to put up with a bad man. Be proud of your strength and your dc. What anyone else thinks is completely irrelevant.

Your marital status would not be any of my concern. I wouldn't care or think less or more of you or any person if they were single or partnered (with children.)