to ask you to tell me honestly what you'd think of someone in my situation?

[korey]

I am constantly worried about what people think of me to the point where I talk about it in therapy and it is a focus to try and work on. I thought I should just bite the bullet, ask on here for honest opinions?

Im a single parent to a one year old. My ex left me two months into the pregnancy. I own my home but obviously live there alone with dc, average income of 55k. Ex does pay maintenance but never sees dc.

My therapist thinks I am more judgemental of myself than anyone else would be and I think it’s probably to do with my upbringing… what happened to me when pregnant is a hot topic for gossip among those i grew up with. However this fear has now extended to nursery… i dare not speak to any other mums as I don’t want to have to explain I’m a lone parent. I’m so embarrassed. im 38 now too so it’s unlikely I will meet someone and obviously don’t have the time anyway.

Im truly not asking for nice responses to make me feel better, I really want to know honestly what you’d think of me, and what your own background is… i feel like among the people I know this is just the worst thing to happen to someone and you are just an awful person if it has. I am so scared of sharing who I am for fear of judgement.

Oh my goodness…I don’t post often but your op really struck me. It wouldn’t occur to me to judge someone in your situation. I feel nothing but admiration for people bringing up children alone and if you shared with me that you were left 2 months into your pregnancy I would VERY much judge your partner.

Try not to worry about what other people are thinking about you - realise that’s not easy, especially if you’ve experienced judgement and unkindness - but is something you can get better at with practice.

I’m what I imagine most people would consider to be a conventional person with a conventional family background.

I really don't have time to think through your circumstances enough to pass judgement, positive or negative. And I can't be bothered!

In the nicest way possible, it can help to remember that it's not all about you, I'm sure your therapist will have been telling you the same!

My best friend is in a very similar situation and when she tells people that her ex left her when the baby was five months old and had no further contact, she gets nothing but empathy and admiration. People are amazed that she coped and has raised a nice, lovely DC.

You've done nothing wrong with OP. I think if you tried telling a couple of trusted people, you'd find they'd be really supportive.

Don't take this the wrong way but your situation isn't that unusual that I'd imagine anyone would think anything about you

Ime most people don't judge other people, they are living their own lives and aren't bothered

I left my ex when I had a 1 year old and a 4 year old. It never crossed my mind to be ashamed or embarrassed or apologetic! In fact I felt really proud of myself for juggling motherhood with a busy professional job.

I came from a very traditional family (high earning dad, sahm who later started a career) so it was an adjustment compared to how I thought my family would look. But I do feel so proud that I raised them on my own

I hope your therapist can help you see this differently

Couldn’t have put it better myself!
I so admire single parents.
Please don’t write off ever meeting someone else op.

My daughter's father left when I was pregnant too, he's never seen her, doesn't contribute in any way. I don't own a house, I'm in a council flat. So I think you're doing better than I am!

But you don't know everyone at nursery or school , you don't know their situations?
Bollocks to them sounds like you are doing a great job.
Of course you're not too old to meet someone if that's what you want.

I would feel nothing but compassion and kindness if I knew you and knew your situation. Please be mindful that most people are too wrapped up in their own problems to give thought to other peoples dramas. And everyone has a drama of some description under their belt. Yours is positively minor in comparison.

So the good news is that you are hardly an outlier

• In 2021, there were 3.0 million lone parent families, which accounts for 15.4% of families in the UK; the proportions ranged from 13.1% in the South East of England to 17.8% in the North East of England.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/families/bulletins/familiesandhouseholds/2021#:~:text=In%202021%2C%20there%20were%203.0,the%20North%20East%20of%20England.

so now that you know that you aren’t a statistical anomaly… maybe it’s time to to look at the worst thing that could happen if you put yourself out there. Yes, you might trip across some judgmental people (and if you do you can totally disregard what they think)…that’s actually pretty unlikely looking at the the stats. It’s more likely that people will either also be a lone parent, related to a lone parent, or friends with a lone parent.

I agree with others and think about why you judge lone parents and then see if any of that applies to you.

Most people are just doing their best and quite disinterested in other peoples issues. And besides a very self righteous judgy person would not be the sort of person I would have time for.

If anyone judged you for being a single parent it's a good heads up to avoid them!

I'd see you as a good role model and strong woman for bringing up your child on your own.

No judgement- everyone us different and we all do our best in the circumstances we find ourselves in.

I’m a committed, religious Christian. I would think absolutely nothing about your situation. If you chose to tell me I’d think you were doing amazingly well single parenting. I find it hard enough as someone parenting with a committed and involved husband. I try not to judge people anyway but I don’t know what you think people could possibly judge you about. You sound like a woman who is doing well in life but has been disappointed by a partner. Nothing to feel judged about.

Loads of older single mums out there. You don't have to tell anyone about your circumstances. You might be widowed, you might have been a single woman who decided to have a child on her own. Make up a story if it makes you feel better. Just don't bring your child up to feel that you both pariahs.

I’d think you were amazing!

You are being far too hard on yourself. I can’t imagine anyone would think negatively of you, and if they did they aren’t worth knowing.

Your situation is not unusual enough for anyone to give a 2nd thought to. Most schools/nurseries will have plenty of single parent families.

I honestly wouldn't think twice. You sound perfectly capable of caring for your child in a secure home.
Lots of women actually choose to be a lone mother.
I doubt anyone if judging you or quite honestly even giving you a second thought with regards to circumstances.
Just enjoy your child and stop worrying what other may or may not be thinking.

Wouldn’t think about it, single mums are not uncommon.

If I really really thought about it I might think that people in the 1950s might have judged you but that society has moved on a huge amount and you look like a successful person.

I know people who do not know thrir dad. Their emotional responses vary to be honest. Though they all think he must be a prick and their mum is the centre of the world.

I’d probably think you were a bit standoffish or unfriendly and wonder why that was and think that you just sound like you have your shit together.

You earn 55k so I assume in a fairly decent job, you probably rock up to nursery on the way to work looking professional so I'd assume a competent adult.
As its just drop offs I wouldn't think twice about Dad.

If I mentioned Dad and you said he wasn't around I'd be impressed that you're doing it all on your own and holding down a serious job.

If we got into the details over cake and coffee whilst the kids rolled around soft play, I'd tel you that he's the idiot for walking out on his kid and I'm sorry you had the misfortune to meet someone like him. I'd laugh kindly at the idea that at 38 you'll never meet someone else. If you said you were sad about DD being an only child I'd offer sympathy hut reassure you she'll be fine and that having got three of them, sometimes I wonder what eldest life would have been like as a single.

So yeah, I'd generally think you're doing a great job doing it all alone whilst many of us struggle with a partner so I def wouldn't judge you if you found it hard.

Sorry OP it must be awful feeling as you do. I honestly cannot see why you think it is so awful being a single parent. My mum brought me up by herself in the 70s....she didn't give a damn what people thought. I really hope you get through this fear. We are all muddling through our lives doing our best and yes some people will be judgey but so what says more about them!

Listen, you are bloody fantastic! Other parents will want your company so open up. It sounds you have deep rooted dissapointment around being a lone parent to your baby. Get to grips with this, your baby's father is financially 'doing the right thing'. If he isn't having a relationship it's his loss but he is better letting that be known now than fucking everyone up in 5 years time. The sooner you accept it and choose the exciting life you and baby will have, the better. Please, please stop judging yourself, it might not look like the fairytale but it can be even better. You can take your child anywhere, do anything. Be the firebrand they need and don't look back.

You didn't choose your situation. Your situation happened to you without your consent. Absolutely no judgement here and you should feel incredibly proud of the life you are making for yourself and your child.