to ask you to tell me honestly what you'd think of someone in my situation?

[korey]

I am constantly worried about what people think of me to the point where I talk about it in therapy and it is a focus to try and work on. I thought I should just bite the bullet, ask on here for honest opinions?

Im a single parent to a one year old. My ex left me two months into the pregnancy. I own my home but obviously live there alone with dc, average income of 55k. Ex does pay maintenance but never sees dc.

My therapist thinks I am more judgemental of myself than anyone else would be and I think it’s probably to do with my upbringing… what happened to me when pregnant is a hot topic for gossip among those i grew up with. However this fear has now extended to nursery… i dare not speak to any other mums as I don’t want to have to explain I’m a lone parent. I’m so embarrassed. im 38 now too so it’s unlikely I will meet someone and obviously don’t have the time anyway.

Im truly not asking for nice responses to make me feel better, I really want to know honestly what you’d think of me, and what your own background is… i feel like among the people I know this is just the worst thing to happen to someone and you are just an awful person if it has. I am so scared of sharing who I am for fear of judgement.

In the nicest possible way, I don't think anyone would care, or give it a second thought.

I would think your ex is a twat and think well done to you for cracking on. Past that I would judge you entirely on you not on any situation thats not of your making. But tbh my judgement of most mums I meet is “she seems nice” and thats about it.

I'd feel no negativity about your situation. To be fair by primary school many of the children will have non 2 parent family situations and yours will not raise any attention.

Please don't dwell on this, if anyone deserves negative feelings it is your child's father for not being in their life. But you might find this a blessing when you hear of others challenges with awkward exes

Couldn’t have said it better myself!!

How was your childhood @korey , did your parents have an old fashioned opinion on being a single parent?

Give yourself a break, you are upset to the point of therapy, but no one actually cares! I mean that kindly and don’t want to hurt your feelings, but in the nicest possible way, no one cares - only you. Seriously.

I’d think you were amazing for doing everything yourself and slightly in awe!

i feel like among the people I know this is just the worst thing to happen to someone and you are just an awful person if it has

These people in your life, OP - you need to stay away from them.

They have done a real number on you.

You're in therapy trying to become a better version of yourself, you demonstrate a degree of self-awareness in your post and at 38 years old, you're a single parent, you own your home and earn 55k. From where I'm standing you're doing fantastically. Working on negative self-image/ self-talk is a work in progress but keep going.

I think you have your shit together and I’m impressed.
my ex husband left me when I was 8 months pregnant with DC
hes never met him, DC is 13 now. I moved into a council house and was in benefits. It was humbling but I did it and now I am remarried with more dc and live a comfortable life,
I would of loved to have been in your position 13 years ago, well done.

and for the record whilst my “fall from grace” was humbling and I felt embarrassed initially. It was the best thing that ever happened to me as I found the support and love from others far overwhelmed any feelings of shame I had. Nice people don’t judge you, and those few who do are not worth your energy

I wouldn't pass much thought on it either. If I knew you well enough that you told me that you ex left when you were 2 months pregnant and doesn't see DC I would think he's a complete prick.

My friend is a single parent to her DS. The father is a bit hit and miss with his time, always pays more than any court would make him, but it's his time she wants for her DS.

I thought absolutely nothing about it when we met, it was a short relationship that didn't work out, she is now doing the best for her DS. I would never judge anyone based on their relationship status.

I’d think you were amazing for doing it all alone.

I’d think you were unlucky to have got pregnant to a bloke who couldn’t handle responsibility.

There’s absolutely no reason I’d judge you. Why would I? People get pregnant and relationships end and wastrel fucking ‘men’ swan off without a backward glance every day. Sadly, you’re not in a unique situation and neither is your child.

Please don’t isolate yourself.

In the kindest possible way OP, you need to give yourself a shake.

Based on what you're doing here you're the one who has stood up to raise your child yourself. You are doing yourself and your child a massive disservice with these negative thought patterns.

Turn it around.....who cares what other people think anyway....they dont raise your child, they don't pay your bills, they don't hold down your job.

All the best. You can do this!!! X

There are quite a few single parents in DS's reception group of two classes. At least 2 have fathers who aren't involved in any way, and one whose father lives so far overseas that she very rarely sees him. The full extent of gossip that I've heard has been "Is A's dad around or is B a single parent?" "Just B as far as I know.". That is literally it, topic done far as interest value. I don't see why anyone would be entitled to an opinion about their circumstances, nor do I think it is anyone's business to know any more detail than they choose to say. I do think they happen to all be very good mums though, so their kids don't seem to miss out in any way. Grandparents are also involved a bit for each of them, and I think that's great for kids' confidence where it's possible. If you keep your kid clean, happy, fed and arrange playdates, then you're doing fine. The type of person who judges you for being unlucky in love is not the type of person to be worth bothering about.

I wouldn’t think anything negative about your situation. I love meeting other single parents doing it by themselves whilst working so I’d want to be your friend.

My kids are a bit older now and I can assure you that by the time ds is going through primary school you’ll see a decent proportion of the class are being raised by single mums.

As a single parent my main thought is what a drama you are making of the situation. Your ex was a dick, you are not. Unless there's a massive drip feed coming, there is no need for such angst, it's 2023.

I think opening yourself up to other people's experiences is exactly what you should be doing OP. Because then you'd realise that your situation is not special in the least. In fact, it's positively normal. Maybe not as common as other set-ups, but certainly not unusual.

For reference, I'm 52 and don't know my father. And my DS went through school with dozens of children who were lone parented.

Nobody gives anyone else more than a seconds thought.

Lone parent for 13 years to DD14.
People always think it's a super power to be honest when you talk about it. Seriously stop worrying! Your child will have nothing but praise for you too when he's an adult.

Father sounds like a complete loser.

I’d be in awe of you tbh, I don’t know how single parents manage. To hold down a god job, own your own home, meet all your child’s physical and emotional needs singlehandedly etc, you must work very hard.

At 38 you will absolutely have years and years to find a great partner. It sounds like you're coping brilliantly except for being really harsh on yourself! Single mothers these days are often respected massively for being nigh-on renaissance women.

Also- being a single parent is more common than you realise.

I don’t feel theirs any stigma anymore.

families look very different nowadays. I’ve learnt this over the years. I’ve seen many different types of families and all of them lovely.

you child is cared for, then that’s all that matters

I wouldn't give a shit, but if you said what you said in your op, I'd think you had a very distorted idea of how important you are to other people. You're not the main character in anyone else's film.

OP your situation sounds perfectly normal, there are lots of single parents out there!

There is* excuse my awful grammar.
feel free to judge that it doesn’t bother me 😂

I'd be impressed that you earn 55k and bringing a child up on your own tbh.
I think your being too hard on yourself
Most people haven't a negative view of anyone who is a lone parent ; if they do then they are clearly the ones with the problems!