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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask you to tell me honestly what you'd think of someone in my situation?

136 replies

korey · 08/05/2023 16:13

I am constantly worried about what people think of me to the point where I talk about it in therapy and it is a focus to try and work on. I thought I should just bite the bullet, ask on here for honest opinions?

Im a single parent to a one year old. My ex left me two months into the pregnancy. I own my home but obviously live there alone with dc, average income of 55k. Ex does pay maintenance but never sees dc.

My therapist thinks I am more judgemental of myself than anyone else would be and I think it’s probably to do with my upbringing… what happened to me when pregnant is a hot topic for gossip among those i grew up with. However this fear has now extended to nursery… i dare not speak to any other mums as I don’t want to have to explain I’m a lone parent. I’m so embarrassed. im 38 now too so it’s unlikely I will meet someone and obviously don’t have the time anyway.

Im truly not asking for nice responses to make me feel better, I really want to know honestly what you’d think of me, and what your own background is… i feel like among the people I know this is just the worst thing to happen to someone and you are just an awful person if it has. I am so scared of sharing who I am for fear of judgement.

OP posts:
Itchyfleet · 08/05/2023 17:14

I’d get to know you based on whether you smiled at me or not as I’m better at chatting to people who look up for a chat! and we would I hope get on and chat more.
If in time your story came out I would think your ex sounds like a selfish prick and you are bloody amazing for holding down such a good job, having your own home and raising a child alone. That would then become the least interesting thing about you I suspect as you sound pretty amazing so I’m sure we would have other stuff to talk about.

My DH has never met his Dad. He knows who he is and where he lives and that’s about it. My DH is also the most incredible human I’ve ever met- loving, grounded, kind, generous. Not knowing his dad has in no way reflected badly on him and I’ve never got the impression anyone has judged him for it. Tbh we wouldn’t want to be know people who would do that anyway.
Get out there and smile and be proud of who you are and who your DC is.

Original poster
korey · 08/05/2023 17:15

Actually crying reading these! How pathetic 🤦🏼‍♀️Thank you all so much for the responses. It means a lot to me to try and get this in perspective.

OP posts:
ThePensivePig · 08/05/2023 17:16

Hi Korey, my Mum was a lone parent to me and my brother. This was back in the 80s, after our Dad opted out of our lives. There was still plenty of stigma; you may remember how 'single mothers' were demonised by politicians back in the day and blamed for many social problems. Sadly I think the shadow of that stigma still hovers around us today.

If I met you, I'd remember how hard it frequently was for my Mum and I'd admire you. If I had the chance to get to know you better, I'd probably think you seemed really nice and interesting. That's my focus really, everything else (a person's circumstances, their job etc) is just information.

poetryandwine · 08/05/2023 17:17

Well, OP the posts as I write are 100%unanimous even if the poll is not quite there! And I am with everyone else. Your relationship status wouldn’t matter to me. And in a few years, when your DD starts making real friends, there will be many more single mums. One thing to be aware of however is that there are a few bitches everywhere and they are good at sensing shame. So that is another reason it is great that you are working on this in therapy.

I think it is possible that some who say YANBU mean ‘I understand your worries, particularly because of the bitchy villagers’.

I think you sound great.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 08/05/2023 17:17

If I only knew that you were a single parent but not the details I would not care. Doesn’t affect me in anyway.

If I knew the circumstances of you being a single parent then I would think that your ex is an arse. I wouldn’t judge you or your child, I would judge him.

Although unless friends I would be unlikely to know that you are a single parent (unless you wear a big hat saying ‘my dickhead ex left me while pregnant and look at me over here doing my best!’ (Maybe you should). My dc are grown up now but I only knew a few backgrounds of the children at nursery/school and then only because the parent/s told me.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 08/05/2023 17:18

korey · 08/05/2023 17:15

Actually crying reading these! How pathetic 🤦🏼‍♀️Thank you all so much for the responses. It means a lot to me to try and get this in perspective.

It’s not pathetic! You are going to be fine, I promise!

MsCactus · 08/05/2023 17:20

Absolutely would judge your ex - I would think you are doing brilliantly raising your DC with a successful job

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 08/05/2023 17:22

Btw I’ve been in an abusive marriage with children, then a single parent and now I’m happily married. I’m not ashamed of any of it, I try to enjoy the present and look to the future. I’ve learnt from the bad bits, had lots of therapy and become someone that I quite like.

NoSquirrels · 08/05/2023 17:22

you probably rock up to nursery on the way to work looking professional so I'd assume a competent adult.
As its just drop offs I wouldn't think twice about Dad.

Also, +1 to this comment because in the early baby and preschool years it’s completely common to only get to know the parent that’s doing the nursery run. And then when you get chatting on a play date or at soft play birthday party or whatever you find out if there’s a second parent around. But most people get to know other parents 1-1 first, not as a couple.

Mangogogogo · 08/05/2023 17:23

It’s bizarre you think so little of single mums. And quite rude, in fact

AngryBirdsNoMore · 08/05/2023 17:23

I know a number of young widows with kids - because I know a lot of military people, and because a few friends have died very young leaving spouses and kids. If I found out you were a single parent I might wonder why - ie if you were widowed - but it would be a brief thought.

Like most here I would mostly just be really really impressed. I have a huge amount of respect for single women. I’m in awe of you having a high paying job AND a one year old and being able to manage all the competing stresses of those things. I think you’re probably amazing.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 08/05/2023 17:23

AngryBirdsNoMore · 08/05/2023 17:23

I know a number of young widows with kids - because I know a lot of military people, and because a few friends have died very young leaving spouses and kids. If I found out you were a single parent I might wonder why - ie if you were widowed - but it would be a brief thought.

Like most here I would mostly just be really really impressed. I have a huge amount of respect for single women. I’m in awe of you having a high paying job AND a one year old and being able to manage all the competing stresses of those things. I think you’re probably amazing.

Single mothers. Not just genetically for all single women!

FiveShelties · 08/05/2023 17:24

You have a good job, own your home and are raising a child as a single parent - that adds up to someone amazing in my book.

OnMyWayToSenility · 08/05/2023 17:24

Single parent here 👋🏻 no one is judging you or looking down on you! We're doing our best, we didn't leave we stayed and fought! We battled battles we didn't know we had to fight.

You and your children will come to know all of this, mine did! They are grown up now and appreciate everything I did for them and me.

OhmygodDont · 08/05/2023 17:25

Wouldn’t judge you at all. What’s there to judge? Good income, owns own house, child with no ex drama popping up.

slowquickstep · 08/05/2023 17:25

In the nicest possible way you are not unique. There are many many different styles of family units in this world. Please enjoy your little ones childhood as it will go so quickly. You need friends and your little one will need friends. Be a bit more open, smile and say hello, nobody will bite you x

Womencanlift · 08/05/2023 17:27

I would think you are lucky to have a child when so many do not have that opportunity so I hope you feel blessed that you have had the chance, even if not the way you planned

Your relationship status wouldn’t enter my radar

RampantIvy · 08/05/2023 17:27

My therapist thinks I am more judgemental of myself than anyone else would be

And they are right. Stop beating yourself up. I don't judge people for being a single parent.

Give your head a wobble and start talking to people.

CityCommuter · 08/05/2023 17:28

@korey In the nicest possible way I wouldn't 'think' anything about your situation and why should I? Why do you think anyone is entitled to judge you or anyone else for that matter? You really are worrying unnecessarily and shouldn't give this anymore headspace than you already have. This is 2023 and people's lives vary greatly and people live in all kinds of situations, and no situation is seen as unusual or worthy of judgement. Anyone judging you is no friend of yours. Do you live rurally or in a very small community btw?

Pinkdelight3 · 08/05/2023 17:30

There's nothing to be judgemental about. You're a good mum doing well by the sounds of it - and that's by your own words, as someone down on themselves. Willing to bet the reality is even nicer!

Bresia · 08/05/2023 17:30

You are trying to punish yourself. I hope the therapist can help you - you need to stop these thoughts are they are not helpful. No one thinks like this and if they do that's on them not you.

Totalwasteofpaper · 08/05/2023 17:31

Honestly im pretty judgey and see a lot of posts of here where i am think ffs maybe stop making such bad decisions....and then life wouldnt be so bad/hard.

However, I would NOT think this about you.

As someone with a one year old myself

id think

  1. your partner was an utter shithead and try and help you out where i can if i met you at a group and we became friends.
  2. Fair play for being financially independent and having a plan b - quite impressive.
  3. You were really impressive to manage newborn phase solo. It is SO hard with 2 parents. So tonnes of respect.

Be nice to yourself no one should judge for this and if they do its on them not you

FatGirlSwim · 08/05/2023 17:40

Literally wouldn’t think twice about it.

Winter2020 · 08/05/2023 17:41

If I knew your circumstances I would think you are amazing! (and I am not saying that to be nice!).

You have provided a stable home and held down a great job and you have done it on your own! Anyone that would judge the parent that stays and cares and carries out the daily grind while one parent swans off is mad. You have had double the responsibilities because your partner has bailed on their half.

The saddest part of your post is not getting to know other people because you think they will judge you. Other people can be a great source of company, companionship, support and fun for you and your child - as you can be for them.

When my eldest son was little I lived away from my partner for a couple of years as they tried to find a job in the new area. Even though I am quite introverted I arranged as much as I could with mum's at the nursery gate as I was living alone and not near any family either. You have plenty of time for this.

Some mums were single, some dating, some had partners that worked long hours or in the military so plenty of interest and time to socialise with us despite having a partner. I knew brilliant, funny, happy single mums. One lady I still miss years later (as my partner couldn't find a job in the area I had to move away eventually). She was lovely and would often throw BBQs inviting family and friends and telling them all to bring some food along. She must have been on quite a low income but never let it stop her spending time with family and friends or having fun and I thought she was wonderful.

Of the mums I know now several at my little ones school have partners that work long hours or "lates" beyond the kids bedtime and are very interested in building friendships and support. I'm not comparing their situation with yours but just pointing out lots of mums have time and space in their lives for friendship.

Families come in all shapes and sizes and I respect everyone doing the best for their kids. Anyone foolish enough to judge you don't get sad get angry!

AlmostWife · 08/05/2023 17:42

Oh OP, I wouldn’t think about this at all. I live in London now but bumped into someone from my hometown I’d not seen in a decade last week. He was worried my abiding memory of him was something quite embarrassing.

In truth, I hadn’t remembered until he brought it up. We mused about how the things we fret about are usually things that others don’t think about at all.

I know this seems really fundamental, but give it time. Your partner having left isn’t something that defines you, and it feels mortifying that other people know but I promise you they aren’t thinking about it. And if they are, screw them.