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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving toddler with 19yr niece for a week

418 replies

MagicalLife · 08/05/2023 08:42

Myself and DH are getting married in August and we have been looking at sorting out our honeymoon. We have planned to not take DD (2yo) with us and my niece has kindly offered to look house sit and look after her whilst we are away. She will be back from university and I said we would pay her for looking after DD. She has been super involved with her since she was a newborn and has babysat her many many times.

AIBU letting her?

OP posts:
drpet49 · 08/05/2023 19:44

MuckyPlucky · 08/05/2023 18:17

Why if you want a whole week of child-free honeymoon are these supposedly nearby other family members (mum, sister etc) not offering to have your toddler? Why does no one else want to do it other than the youngest in the family, a 19yo student?

Odd.

This. Weird.

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/05/2023 19:47

Go for it. Don't listen to those who think you must be chained to your child 24/7, it's healthy to have some time apart and they will be with someone they know and is trusted.

Congratulations on your wedding! Enjoy.

ReadersD1gest · 08/05/2023 19:51

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/05/2023 19:47

Go for it. Don't listen to those who think you must be chained to your child 24/7, it's healthy to have some time apart and they will be with someone they know and is trusted.

Congratulations on your wedding! Enjoy.

chained to your child 24/7
There's a hell of a lot of road between that and leaving the kid for an entire week.

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/05/2023 19:57

ReadersD1gest · 08/05/2023 19:51

chained to your child 24/7
There's a hell of a lot of road between that and leaving the kid for an entire week.

Show quote history

I think an 'entire' week is fine for a child who has already had some time away from parents and is used to the niece putting her to bed.

It's also a special occasion and I can understand why they want it to be child free.

Tempone · 08/05/2023 20:00

Lots of competitive digs "well I couldn't leave mine, because I just love them so much, but you do you. ".
Reminds me of Amanda from motherland.

ReadersD1gest · 08/05/2023 20:03

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/05/2023 19:57

I think an 'entire' week is fine for a child who has already had some time away from parents and is used to the niece putting her to bed.

It's also a special occasion and I can understand why they want it to be child free.

Show quote history

A honeymoon when you've been together for a while and have kids is just a holiday. Getting married in those circumstances has is not life changing in any way.

MissVinted · 08/05/2023 20:04

I wouldn't and couldn't, you did ask, OP, YABU.

Is your DH to be the father of your toddler?

CurlyTop1980 · 08/05/2023 20:06

I think this sounds fine. She is clearly responsible and already knows your daughter well.

CremeEggThief · 08/05/2023 20:14

MissVinted and others like you, I didn't want to leave my DS overnight until he was nearly 3, so I didn't.

It doesn't mean the OP's choice is wrong or any less valid than yours; it's just different!

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/05/2023 20:17

ReadersD1gest · 08/05/2023 20:03

A honeymoon when you've been together for a while and have kids is just a holiday. Getting married in those circumstances has is not life changing in any way.

Show quote history

You might feel like that but not everyone does. I got married before I had my child and I wouldn't describe it as life changing.

Holiday, honeymoon. Whatever. It's fine to want it to be child free.

MissVinted · 08/05/2023 20:19

CremeEggThief · 08/05/2023 20:14

MissVinted and others like you, I didn't want to leave my DS overnight until he was nearly 3, so I didn't.

It doesn't mean the OP's choice is wrong or any less valid than yours; it's just different!

Hey!! That's way too balanced and reasonable a response for AIBU. 😜You're not wrong though.

CremeEggThief · 08/05/2023 20:22

Thanks, MissVinted.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/05/2023 20:24

I wouldn't want to be away from my toddler for a week. I wouldn't enjoy it as I'd be missing them and worrying the whole time.

They would have been distraught without me too.

shammalammadingdong · 08/05/2023 20:45

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/05/2023 20:24

I wouldn't want to be away from my toddler for a week. I wouldn't enjoy it as I'd be missing them and worrying the whole time.

They would have been distraught without me too.

I'd be really worried about my kid if they were actually distraught without me. Suggests a very insecure attachment.

TheHandmaiden · 08/05/2023 20:48

I think the issue about attachment is why. At 2, there is a good chance the child will have serious separation anxiety and that would be normal, absolutely normal in a child of this age.

It would therefore be quite the imposition on a small child who is not really being thought about very much.

dammiejodger · 08/05/2023 20:51

I wouldn't leave my 2 year old for a week. Not a chance. Why can't you take her with you? Or go for a shorter break.

ReadersD1gest · 08/05/2023 20:51

shammalammadingdong · 08/05/2023 20:45

I'd be really worried about my kid if they were actually distraught without me. Suggests a very insecure attachment.

Show quote history

I'd be worried if my 2 year old was unbothered by my disappearing for a week 🤷🏻‍♀️

Bluebellsbells · 08/05/2023 20:55

No way! Way too much pressure on the toddler and 19 year old.

The toddler needs to go with you or postpone the trip until she is older!

shammalammadingdong · 08/05/2023 21:30

TheHandmaiden · 08/05/2023 20:48

I think the issue about attachment is why. At 2, there is a good chance the child will have serious separation anxiety and that would be normal, absolutely normal in a child of this age.

It would therefore be quite the imposition on a small child who is not really being thought about very much.

It seems unlikely that OP has not thought about her child. Just because her thoughts are different to yours does not mean she has not considered the child.

Some people can't seem to grasp that its ok to parent differently to them.

TheHandmaiden · 08/05/2023 21:42

Do you know, I missed the bit where the OP considered that? It seemed more logistical.

Because it would be normal, totally normal for a 2 year old to be pretty distressed if she did not see her parents for a week, and what is wrong with pointing that out? Thinking of a child and her feelings is part of parenting.

I get that you don't agree, I'm just explained why I think this. Is there an issue what that? The question is AIBU - yea, she is.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 08/05/2023 23:44

A long time to leave a toddler. I would be taking her with me.

Flittingaboutagain · 09/05/2023 05:01

shammalammadingdong · 08/05/2023 20:45

I'd be really worried about my kid if they were actually distraught without me. Suggests a very insecure attachment.

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No, a toddler distressed at not seeing their primary caregiver for a week would be totally developmentally appropriate. I don't think you understand attachment theory. It's what happens when the parent returns that Mary Ainsworth used to classify attachment styles.

Sceptre86 · 09/05/2023 06:50

I don't think you have anything to worry about. Your niece is capable and had looked after your child before. You child is comfortable with her. Your child is also used to you going away for work so not seeing you for a few days anyway. She also has your mum and sister to rely on if needed. As your child will be going nursery and not under her care 24/7 it shouldn't be too exhausting for her. Go and enjoy.

Brieandcamembert · 09/05/2023 08:07

Emmamoo89 · 08/05/2023 16:42

Parents are allowed a break from their children

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A break from your child is going for dinner, not a week's holiday when they are 2.

Maybe 8/9 when you can tell them where you are going, count down to coming back. Two us so little and I stand by that it's sad you don't want to have her with you for a holiday.

Nordicrain · 09/05/2023 09:19

Liorae · 08/05/2023 12:08

A 14 yr old mother of a toddler would surely be a better baby sitter than a non parent.

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But it doesn't make ANY 14 yo a good baby sitter.

And OP's DN is NOT a mother. Which is why comparing with a hypothetical 19 yo mother is pointless.

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