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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving toddler with 19yr niece for a week

418 replies

MagicalLife · 08/05/2023 08:42

Myself and DH are getting married in August and we have been looking at sorting out our honeymoon. We have planned to not take DD (2yo) with us and my niece has kindly offered to look house sit and look after her whilst we are away. She will be back from university and I said we would pay her for looking after DD. She has been super involved with her since she was a newborn and has babysat her many many times.

AIBU letting her?

OP posts:
shammalammadingdong · 09/05/2023 09:37

Brieandcamembert · 09/05/2023 08:07

A break from your child is going for dinner, not a week's holiday when they are 2.

Maybe 8/9 when you can tell them where you are going, count down to coming back. Two us so little and I stand by that it's sad you don't want to have her with you for a holiday.

Show quote history

It is if that parent decides it is.

It isn't for you to say when other people are allowed to leave their children. It isn't for anyone to say other than their parents.

There isn't anything wrong with it and lots of people do it.

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 09/05/2023 19:52

No. For a full week with a barely adult? No way.

ReadersD1gest · 09/05/2023 19:54

shammalammadingdong · 09/05/2023 09:37

It is if that parent decides it is.

It isn't for you to say when other people are allowed to leave their children. It isn't for anyone to say other than their parents.

There isn't anything wrong with it and lots of people do it.

Show quote history

It isn't for you to insist anyone with reservations is wrong, either 😂

hot2trotter · 09/05/2023 19:55

I don't see the harm in her looking after DD.

No way would I be leaving my toddler for a week though, honeymoon or not - especially if I'm going to another country.

Jadeybabez · 09/05/2023 20:13

I'm saying yes because of you were completely comfortable with it you wouldn't be asking in here. That's literally the only reason though. :) 😘

Famzonhol · 09/05/2023 20:13

Lots of people do it

That’s not necessarily a recommendation. Lots of people do all sorts of things. Smoke heavily, eat poor diets, keep dogs they never exercise etc.

Justus6 · 09/05/2023 20:32

I minded my little cousins over night from younger than this. If she is responsible and has a relationship with DD then I don't see any issues. Congratulations on the wedding..

Anderson2018 · 09/05/2023 20:34

My cousin is 20 and I would trust her 100% as she’s amazing with my boy, so if you feel ok about it then do it

cannaecookrisotto · 09/05/2023 20:36

I'm quite laid back about this stuff, have a 6 year old and now she regularly trots off with her grandparents on holidays for a week at a time, so the caregiver aspect I'd be ok with.

What would bother me, is a 2 year old wouldn't understand where you are, doesn't have capacity to know you're on "holiday", that you'll be back in a week and might be anxious/upset without you etc.

I was in hospital for a week when DD was 1.5 (she was at home with her dad and they couldn't visit because I had meningitis) and she was bloody distraught by the time I got home. That was with my mum spending the majority of time with them too. DD stayed with GPs overnight from around 4 months old, so no stranger to being away from me. But I think in her little brain I'd gone forever.

So I couldn't have done it.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 09/05/2023 20:38

She will be fine I had a 3 year old at 19. She's an adult She will be fine for a week. There are a lot of 19 year olds who are more mature and stable then 30 year olds. Age really is just a number

Thinkingpod · 09/05/2023 20:45

TheHandmaiden · 08/05/2023 19:04

Sorry but this is a horrible thing to do to a young child. 2 is very young. You might as well disappear for a week which is a very long time for such a young child.

Other posters aren't saying it but they are thinking it. This is a horrid thing to do to a young child.

Completely agree. Poor little one will either think mum and dad have vanished and don't care or if she understands holidays she will feel like she's not important to them
.

However the poster has made several comments on how often she leaves the kid with people over night or for days on end so it's probably something she's used to... Coming 2nd best

Myusername4321 · 09/05/2023 21:08

Some of these comments about age are insulting "I wouldn't be leaving my child with a teen". I had my daughter at 18 married her Dad at 20 and emigrated as a family, I managed just fine!

However, I do think it is different with your own child. Having someone else's toddler would be a hand full no matter what age. Maybe a long weekend would be a good compromise?

Bugbabe1970 · 09/05/2023 21:09

No I wouldn't be able to relax it's too long
I was working as a qualified nanny at 19 and I was never left with the kids for a week on my own.
I once looked after the 2 year old for 4 days on my own and it was stressful and exhausting.
It's too long OP - maybe a weekend fine!

Samlewis96 · 09/05/2023 21:12

Onelifeonly · 08/05/2023 09:32

You're obviously not sure yourself, or you wouldn't be posting. My dd is a bit younger than your niece and works in nurseries. She is fantastic with young children and has had great feedback from her tutors at college. She'd be fine for a bit of babysitting but absolutely couldn't do 24/7 for a week.

Liking children, even working full time with them, is nothing like being in charge for days on end. If you ho ahead, make sure your sister and mum actually have the time to step in or takeover if needed.

It's not 24%7 though us it The child is at nursery during the day. And I believe the niece still lives with family so she's not alone with the child

Samlewis96 · 09/05/2023 21:23

Thinkingpod · 09/05/2023 20:45

Completely agree. Poor little one will either think mum and dad have vanished and don't care or if she understands holidays she will feel like she's not important to them
.

However the poster has made several comments on how often she leaves the kid with people over night or for days on end so it's probably something she's used to... Coming 2nd best

Show quote history

2nd best? Because parents are away FOR WORK? That's what she's used to.

123bumblebee · 09/05/2023 21:30

No. I’m pretty laid back but I wouldn’t even consider doing this. My parents help with my toddler all the time but no way would I leave them for a week. It’s a huge shock to look after a child all day and night for a week, plus cleaning, cooking, bathing. 19 is very young and in that dangerous age where you think you know everything and how the world works and you really, really don’t. Can’t you take the little one with you ?

JuicyDrop · 09/05/2023 22:09

I get married on Saturday and have a three year old son.

my sister is 19 and while she is great with DS and he adores, there is no way I would expect her to look after him for a week, nor would she want to. Although I do appreciate you know your niece best.

I also wouldn’t be happy leaving my son for a week while we were away. So, our honeymoon next week is to a haven park and he will be coming with us 😂 Of course we would have loved time away to celebrate just the two of us, but we are planning on doing that when DS is a bit older.

Hotcrossbunnyy · 09/05/2023 22:15

Another one here who thinks it will be fine. She will be at nursery during the day, I’m sure your sister and mum will pop round at times too.

Enjoy your week away, OP!

Hotcrossbunnyy · 09/05/2023 22:17

Completely agree. Poor little one will either think mum and dad have vanished and don't care or if she understands holidays she will feel like she's not important to them

Her parents are entitled to child free time and god forbid they actually have a functioning, loving relationship that they want that time together with their partner.

ST10 · 09/05/2023 23:08

In my opinion YABU to leave your 2 year old for a week whilst you go on honeymoon, no matter who you leave them with. A week is a really long time for a little one to be away from their mum - not sure why you can’t take them with you? whilst your niece may be wonderful with your child, full on parenting for a whole week is very different to baby sitting or having her through the day. What happens if your child gets really upset on a night because they miss you and can’t understand where you’ve gone? 2 is a very difficult age.

Maybe just have one night away somewhere just the two of you and then go away as a family for the week. I’d miss my children too much if I was away from them that long and would wish they were with me. But then I appreciate everyone is different and would not think the same as me

pinkappleorpineapple · 09/05/2023 23:16

I can't imagine leaving a two year old for a week by choice, with a 19 year old.
I don't care if 19 year olds can have babies, how many of us hope that our DC will be teenage parents? It's a huge responsibility to mind someone else's toddler for that long.

I don't know if 'lots of people' do this, long weekends yes (my siblings do that so the concept isn't alien) but not a full week and not leaving DC with a 19 year old.

TheseThree · 09/05/2023 23:30

I say don’t let people get at you for this. You trust her, they are familiar with not only each other in general but your DD’s routines as well.

People have only their own experiences to pull from and so it’s useless to ask a bunch of internet strangers about this. At 19 I’d have easily cared for a two year, especially if they were headed to nursery some. At 19, my brother couldn’t have handled more than 2 hours with a 2 year old. (And no, not a gender thing - an experience and interest thing.)

Go. Enjoy yourselves. Be grateful for such a caring, responsible and helpful niece. Also, congratulations!

EasterBreak · 10/05/2023 00:40

Yabvu yes..

Erex · 10/05/2023 00:51

Ignore the posters who saw that she was 19 and instantly went into shock. You find on MN that anyone around that age can't be trusted, is too young to be able to cope and isn't an adult unless the poster wants to go on holiday or similar without their 18yo DC, then they're an adult who can be left at home alone or pay their way.

DP was barely older than her when our first was born. By the time he was 22 we had 2 under 2. You know her, and you know how responsible she is, as well as her relationship with your daughter. Age isn't the issue here as she is an adult - if you trust her and she is as good as you say she is with your daughter, I think that's what you need to base your decision on.

momonpurpose · 10/05/2023 03:39

My sister was a mother at 19. If your niece is close to your daughter mom and sister near by I see no problem with this