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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

real reason for not wanting another

130 replies

cyrilsneereatstrees · 08/05/2023 07:13

Two children in and I am tired! Had both on the cusp of 40, several years later and a very little bit of normality is returning to our lives.

Cue the wife suggesting/saying we should have another.

I don't want another. I have thrown in arguments around practicalities, financials, time available for the children etc.

Problem is I managed to get an 80k+ WFH job 18 months ago, so time and money isn't the strong argument it once was. We are a true 50/50 couple around the children, housework etc.

I can't use my real reason - my real reason is that I dont really enjoy being a parent that much. Now I know every reason is valid but a quick search on that topic on here and looking at the responses from women on it if I say that it will go down like a cold sack of shit.

Are there any other reasons I can throw in that aren't going to send the wife mad? I have already steeled myself to a few years of resentment over not having a third and have already made preparations for the snip but if I drop the parenting line that will create a whole other huge issue.

OP posts:
WomanBitingATowel · 08/05/2023 07:16

Stop calling her ‘the wife’ and behaving as if telling her the truth is likely to cause her to go ‘mad’?

Yamaya · 08/05/2023 07:17

You don't have to say that, just say you don't want another one. That you are now starting to get back to normal and your tired. That should be good enough. No one should be able to force you to have more. Stand firm.

Londonlassy · 08/05/2023 07:17

There is nothing wrong with saying we have two children and I feel our family is complete and I don’t want anymore.

DucksNewburyport · 08/05/2023 07:19

No one should be forced into having a child they don't want. It's better to make it clear to your wife that you are happy with two children and don't want any more than to give her hope that you might change your mind in future.

Daisysdandy · 08/05/2023 07:19

If I was you I would tell her straight. If I was your wife it would stop me asking for the third and I would be able to put the idea to bed for good. Any other reasons I would find a way around but the truth here I couldn't.

orangegato · 08/05/2023 07:19

I don’t want one is reason enough. Why be walked over? It’s a joint thing.

on a side note which industry allows you to WFH on 80k (asking for a friend…)

Itchyfleet · 08/05/2023 07:20

I don’t think it’s wrong to say you find these early days of parenting unenjoyable. I was the same if I’m honest although I had a hugely close bond with the kids - I found all the restraints and lack of personal space really challenging.
I have loved parenting more and more as the years have passed and now with teens and young adults I can honestly say being a parent is the most incredible part of my life and brings me enormous pleasure and joy.

It’s not wrong to not want more. It’s not wrong for your wife to want another but if she wants it with you then you have to be in agreement so sadly it’s stalemate.

Dont feel you have to light the touchpaper to get your point across. You are right that if she’s already antagonised by this discussion you saying you just don’t like parenting won’t win her over. She will still try to persuade you. She either accepts your position or she doesn’t. You can couch it as finding the early years extremely hard and as yet that hasn’t got better so you want to focus on getting the two you have to the next phase.

The need to have more kids split my friends up. I was shocked at the time that one of them felt strongly enough about it that the resentment built to the point of no return. So if you think that might happen then get marriage counselling early on.

Floralys2 · 08/05/2023 07:21

Yes you can say the real reason

Itchyfleet · 08/05/2023 07:21

Oh and take charge of your contraception

Cherryana · 08/05/2023 07:23

Just say the real reason to your wife- you are happy that the children are getting more independent and you don’t want to go back to the baby/toddler stage again.

You enjoyed it at the time but now are enjoying this next stage of family life where it is easier to lie in, hang out with friends and chat with them uninterrupted even when the children are there, it’s become a bit less pressured.

Gumbo · 08/05/2023 07:24

Two DC is a perfectly reasonable number, and you're fully entitled to not want more. I don't like young children, and the older my DC got the closer we got, so you might find that you enjoy being a parent more once they're older.

But if you really don't want more DC I suggest you book a vasectomy sharpish (let her know, obviously) to ensure you don't 'accidentally' have any more, as if your wife feels strongly about it she may just say she's leaving the contraception up to you (and hope that you'll forget)

WeWereInParis · 08/05/2023 07:26

It's very reasonable to say that you don't want another because you find the early years hard work and not enjoyable and don't want to go back to them. Plenty of people dislike the baby stage, I bloody hate it.

LooseFit · 08/05/2023 07:28

You don’t need to have any reason other than you don’t want a third child. My DH didn’t. I accepted it.

ittakes2 · 08/05/2023 07:29

Say you feel too old to do the baby stage again and want to concentrate on developing a meaningful relationship with the two you have.

Dotcheck · 08/05/2023 07:33

Of course you can say you don’t want any more, and you want to focus on the family you have.

However- calling her ‘the wife’ is really shitty, as is how you refer to her ‘going mad’. Do you actually have a happy marriage?

Lcb123 · 08/05/2023 07:34

You don’t need a reason but you need to be honest with her.

DustyLee123 · 08/05/2023 07:36

Go and get a vasectomy them, and make sure you use condoms until you’re clear.

Ladysquamy · 08/05/2023 07:38

Hi OP. It's your body, your choice. Just say 'no, I don't want another' and your wife should accept that. I would advise you to get a vasectomy too, so you can take charge of your own fertility. You don't need to be giving long-winded explanations! I am having my second in three weeks and I'm in my early 40s. Definitely getting sterilised after this one! Luckily my husband and I are of the same mind but to be honest, I'm not offering him a choice! I'm going to get sterilised just because it's my body and it's what I want to do.

JuneShitfield · 08/05/2023 07:39

I think you just need to be clear and unequivocal about it. You don’t want any more, simple as that.

And if she ‘goes mad’, so what? She’s allowed that reaction too. You might need to accept that she’ll be upset for a bit while she processes it. You work through it as a couple, like you would any issue on which you’re not 100% aligned.

Hotfuninthesummertime · 08/05/2023 07:39

To be honest I don't want to/ I can't be fucked is my reason. Why justify it?

RampantIvy · 08/05/2023 07:39

WeWereInParis · 08/05/2023 07:26

It's very reasonable to say that you don't want another because you find the early years hard work and not enjoyable and don't want to go back to them. Plenty of people dislike the baby stage, I bloody hate it.

This ^^ is the best answer.

And please stop calling her the wife.

gamerchick · 08/05/2023 07:41

You don't need a reason. You tell her that you don't want another baby this stage of your life and book a vasectomy to make sure.

The one who doesn't always trumps the one who does and the one who does has to make a decision on whether they can make their peace with it or leave.

The snip usually knocks it all on the head

Round123 · 08/05/2023 07:47

Why does she want a 3rd? Does she feel unfulfilled? If I were you I would book a romantic expensive weekend away for the 2 of you, so the next time the argument about having 3 comes along you can say ‘I absolutely loved that weekend away with you, spending time with you like that fulfils me and brings me so much joy and I want that part of my life back’. My friend said she didn’t want kids because she didn’t want to share her husband!!😍

SmileyClare · 08/05/2023 07:52

A compromise might be to support your wife in being a SAHM?

That way, the division of labour can change from the 50/50 split up you have now over housework, childcare etc.

If your wife doesn’t work then I think she should be doing the lions share of household tasks including cooking, cleaning/ house admin and childcare

That’s not to say you shouldn’t make every effort to parent your children during your down time.

tinytemper66 · 08/05/2023 07:52

cyrilsneereatstrees · 08/05/2023 07:13

Two children in and I am tired! Had both on the cusp of 40, several years later and a very little bit of normality is returning to our lives.

Cue the wife suggesting/saying we should have another.

I don't want another. I have thrown in arguments around practicalities, financials, time available for the children etc.

Problem is I managed to get an 80k+ WFH job 18 months ago, so time and money isn't the strong argument it once was. We are a true 50/50 couple around the children, housework etc.

I can't use my real reason - my real reason is that I dont really enjoy being a parent that much. Now I know every reason is valid but a quick search on that topic on here and looking at the responses from women on it if I say that it will go down like a cold sack of shit.

Are there any other reasons I can throw in that aren't going to send the wife mad? I have already steeled myself to a few years of resentment over not having a third and have already made preparations for the snip but if I drop the parenting line that will create a whole other huge issue.

You lost me at 'The Wife'.