Page 5 | real reason for not wanting another

cyrilsneereatstrees · 2023-05-08T06:13:12+00:00

Two children in and I am tired! Had both on the cusp of 40, several years later and a very little bit of normality is returning to our lives. Cue the wife suggesting/saying we should have another. I don't want another. I have thrown in arguments around practicalities, financials, time available for the children etc. Problem is I managed to get an 80k+ WFH job 18 months ago, so time and money isn't the strong argument it once was. We are a true 50/50 couple around the children, housework etc. I can't use my real reason - my real reason is that I dont really enjoy being a parent that much. Now I know every reason is valid but a quick search on that topic on here and looking at the responses from women on it if I say that it will go down like a cold sack of shit. Are there any other reasons I can throw in that aren't going to send the wife mad? I have already steeled myself to a few years of resentment over not having a third and have already made preparations for the snip but if I drop the parenting line that will create a whole other huge issue.

RampantIvy · 08/05/2023 11:21

I can’t believe anyone would be willing to break up the stable happy home her existing children have over a hypothetical third child.

I agree. It's also such a gamble.

CherryCokeFanatic · 08/05/2023 11:24

Get a vasectomy

gamerchick · 08/05/2023 11:28

Ignore the women sniping at you saying "the wife" I'm northern and lots of blokes refer to their wives as that, my husband does sometimes, women on here will jump allover whatever you say

Yup, just like I say the husband. Oddly I've said it a lot on here over the years and nobody has repeatedly whinged at me. On and on and on like they're saying something original 🙄makes people look like reet knobs.

KimberleyClark · 08/05/2023 11:34

CherryCokeFanatic · 08/05/2023 11:24

Get a vasectomy

From the OP

I have already steeled myself to a few years of resentment over not having a third and have already made preparations for the snip…..

SmileyClare · 08/05/2023 11:36

Explaining the emotional reasons why You Don’t Want Another Child mean that your wife has a chance to understand and accept your viewpoint.

You’ve made the excuse of finances and now you’re in this difficult situation!

Wife has assumed now you have a pay rise that your reason (money constraints) has been negated.
Her logic is correct if this is the reason you’ve given.

Be honest about the emotional reasons you don’t want a third child, you can do that in a sensitive way.
She is far more likely to accept and understand your stance if you share your feelings.

Otherwise you risk your wife trying to overcome your “practical” arguments against having more children (money, time, environmental impact etc)

Twiglets1 · 08/05/2023 11:38

I would stick to the line that you’re tired, mentally & physically. You can’t face all the upheaval a new baby would bring. You’re enjoying your children being a bit older and more independent. You like your current lifestyle and children are very expensive. You don’t want any more children.
All very reasonable.

TheGoogleMum · 08/05/2023 11:38

I also would like to know what the 80k WFH job is please (I am considering retraining and changing careers!).

Perfectly reasonable to not want a third kid. I can see admitting you don't enjoy parenting your current kids might feel like a bad thing to admit, perhaps stick to mentioning the worst bits and saying you don't want to do that again (e.g sleepless nights).

Also there are some practical considerations, it's harder to find a car that will seat 3 child seats for example. Once you have more kids than parents the dynamic might change (some say the oldest kid gets a kid - might be more responsibility than is fair for oldest).

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/05/2023 11:44

You're tired. You feel too old to start again with sleepless nights. You're enjoying the balance that your children growing up slightly has brought back to your life. You don't think you've got enough energy for another child. You are really happy with the two children that you currently have. There are various genetic risks that increase with age.

But honestly an 'I dont want to' should be enough. Your relationship sounds a bit odd - your references to 'the wife' and implications that you can't be truthful with her about how difficult you find parenting

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 08/05/2023 11:52

Just say you’re done. Two is enough. You don’t want any more. You are tired enough as it is. The one who doesn’t always trumps the one who does.

Original poster

cyrilsneereatstrees · 08/05/2023 12:35

Thanks to all that posted, the input is helpful.

Didn't know that the turn of phrase 'the wife' would attract so much attention, I will be mindful of it going forward.

The posters who have said I should just be able to say I don't want more - I agree, but we all know relationships don't work that way and it would be pretty poor of me to just say I don't want to when my wife asks for an explanation as to why.

Some great comments, I will refresh my reasons to put my point across without shaking my relationship and adding in a whole new raft of issues.

To the posters who made sure I was aware my wife could leave over it - yes I am aware, I would be disappointed and heartbroken if my wife did or even levelled that sort of ultimatum, but it wouldn't change my mind. Sorry. I'm sure you felt that post was a bodyblow, but it's already been considered by me at length.

Vasectomy is in progress, as soon as we have these hard conversations it's a go. I would not make this decision and not take the appropriate steps or foist it's enforcement onto my wife.

Thanks all!

OP posts:

Original poster

cyrilsneereatstrees · 08/05/2023 12:36

Oh yeah the job is a techie one, could have gone another rung up but this is as high as I can get whilst still getting a good amount of family time. Don't want to be the Mumsnet stereotype Big Job man

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 08/05/2023 12:59

I would stick to the line that you’re tired, mentally & physically. You can’t face all the upheaval a new baby would bring. You’re enjoying your children being a bit older and more independent. You like your current lifestyle and children are very expensive. You don’t want any more children.

Great reasons.

shammalammadingdong · 08/05/2023 13:01

Floralys2 · 08/05/2023 07:21

Yes you can say the real reason

Really? You don't think "I don't like parenting the children we already have" isn't going to cause major issues in their relationship?

RampantIvy · 08/05/2023 13:04

There is nothing wrong with saying "I found parenting our two really difficult, and can't cope with another"

shammalammadingdong · 08/05/2023 13:11

RampantIvy · 08/05/2023 13:04

There is nothing wrong with saying "I found parenting our two really difficult, and can't cope with another"

What he actually said was "I don't enjoy being a parent that much". Current, not past. He's not talking about finding the early days hard, he's saying he's not happy right now.

I would find it very hard to hear from my partner that he did not enjoy being a parent to our children. I would feel like he doesn't really love them, or our family, or our shared life.

I wouldn't leave him over the third child issue, but I might if he said our life was somewhat of a lie.

RampantIvy · 08/05/2023 13:13

I remember a friend telling me that her DH told her that he didn't really enjoy being a parent. He had a vasectomy before his second child's first birthday.

I think he enjoyed it more when they got older.

WomanBitingATowel · 08/05/2023 13:16

shammalammadingdong · 08/05/2023 13:11

What he actually said was "I don't enjoy being a parent that much". Current, not past. He's not talking about finding the early days hard, he's saying he's not happy right now.

I would find it very hard to hear from my partner that he did not enjoy being a parent to our children. I would feel like he doesn't really love them, or our family, or our shared life.

I wouldn't leave him over the third child issue, but I might if he said our life was somewhat of a lie.

Show quote history

And yet, every time someone posts a thread about whether people would choose to have children if they could relive their life, there is a significant minority who regret choosing parenthood, and have found it difficult, despite loving their children. Difficult though some people may find it to hear, it’s clearly reality. And some of those people will have spouses who might struggle with that reality.

shammalammadingdong · 08/05/2023 13:21

WomanBitingATowel · 08/05/2023 13:16

And yet, every time someone posts a thread about whether people would choose to have children if they could relive their life, there is a significant minority who regret choosing parenthood, and have found it difficult, despite loving their children. Difficult though some people may find it to hear, it’s clearly reality. And some of those people will have spouses who might struggle with that reality.

Show quote history

I'm not saying its not reality. I'm saying that you have thoughts and not share them. You can think what you want about whether you should have had kids or not, but once you have them, you can't go back. So you get the fuck on with it and do your best.
Nobody, not your co parent or the children, need to hear that you made a mistake.

RampantIvy · 08/05/2023 13:24

And yet, every time someone posts a thread about whether people would choose to have children if they could relive their life, there is a significant minority who regret choosing parenthood, and have found it difficult, despite loving their children. Difficult though some people may find it to hear, it’s clearly reality. And some of those people will have spouses who might struggle with that reality.

Well said.

I think people's reality of parenthood can be quite a shock.
I thin it is human nature to think you know exactly how to parent before you have children, but nothing prepares you for the sleepless nights, the endless drudgery or the emotional and financial cost of having children.

I love DD to bits, but it hasn't always been easy. And you never stop worrying about them even when they are adults.

youveturnedupwelldone · 08/05/2023 13:30

There's nothing wrong with not wanting a third, you couldn't pay me to go back to the baby stage. I think both of you need to agree to have another, and if one of you doesn't agree then it's not happening. Everyone has to be up for the chaos a baby brings, the financial burden etc.

I'd have more sympathy for your wife if you had no children, but that's not the case here.

I highly doubt your wife will leave you over this.

KimberleyClark · 08/05/2023 13:31

RampantIvy · 08/05/2023 13:04

There is nothing wrong with saying "I found parenting our two really difficult, and can't cope with another"

This. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love the kids he already has.

shammalammadingdong · 08/05/2023 14:00

RampantIvy · 08/05/2023 13:24

And yet, every time someone posts a thread about whether people would choose to have children if they could relive their life, there is a significant minority who regret choosing parenthood, and have found it difficult, despite loving their children. Difficult though some people may find it to hear, it’s clearly reality. And some of those people will have spouses who might struggle with that reality.

Well said.

I think people's reality of parenthood can be quite a shock.
I thin it is human nature to think you know exactly how to parent before you have children, but nothing prepares you for the sleepless nights, the endless drudgery or the emotional and financial cost of having children.

I love DD to bits, but it hasn't always been easy. And you never stop worrying about them even when they are adults.

Not quite true...nothing prepares you for the first one, but you can't say you're clueless after that, so choosing to have a second if you don't like parenting the first is really all on the person choosing it.

Princesssuperstar · 08/05/2023 15:58

Excuses causes arguments..... just be honest with her
'I love you and I love our children dearly but I feel now I'm in my 40s I'm tiring more easily with 2 children..... I really don't think I will cope if we have a 3rd. We are in a situation where they're grown and more independent so having a newborn and back to sleepless nights etc is just not doable for me, I'm sorry babe'
She may understandably be upset but will respect and understand your honesty more

FourTeaFallOut · 08/05/2023 16:26

All of this would have been a lot easier if you hadn't presented two dishonest barriers to having a third at the outset. Hitting your limit for caring responsibilities is a perfectly good reason to stick to two. I wouldn't make up any more Mickey Mouse excuses because you'll burn up all your trust capital.

Monkeynuts57 · 08/05/2023 16:29

Just say you find it tiring and don’t enjoy the younger years it’s too much and it will make it even harder and more tiring and that you want to enjoy the ones you have as they are getting older and you are getting life back a bit and want to continue it getting easier and more freedom to do things