real reason for not wanting another

[cyrilsneereatstrees]

Two children in and I am tired! Had both on the cusp of 40, several years later and a very little bit of normality is returning to our lives.

Cue the wife suggesting/saying we should have another.

I don't want another. I have thrown in arguments around practicalities, financials, time available for the children etc.

Problem is I managed to get an 80k+ WFH job 18 months ago, so time and money isn't the strong argument it once was. We are a true 50/50 couple around the children, housework etc.

I can't use my real reason - my real reason is that I dont really enjoy being a parent that much. Now I know every reason is valid but a quick search on that topic on here and looking at the responses from women on it if I say that it will go down like a cold sack of shit.

Are there any other reasons I can throw in that aren't going to send the wife mad? I have already steeled myself to a few years of resentment over not having a third and have already made preparations for the snip but if I drop the parenting line that will create a whole other huge issue.

If you need more resons to not have any more children. Here are some:

Teenagers are expensive. You will need 3 x mobile phones, 3 x laptops, and this is before the expense of clothes, footwear and hobbies

Parenting teenagers is hard - friendship issues, bullying, relationship issues, GCSEs, A levels

Then more expense - university

If your wife doesn't work then she needs to get a job. Having babies isn't the only way to feel fulfilled.

Is she 40 too?
Is she working?

I don't understand why you think your reason is so bad. You can frame it in a way that doesn't make it sound like you don't want your existing children, if that's the concern. I stopped at one for the same reason. I love being his mum, but I don't enjoy the drudgery enough to do it again with someone else. I also sometimes say that although I really enjoy being a mum to DS and think I'm a good mum, I only have it in me to enjoy and be a good mum to one child. Any more and I would stop enjoying it and be stretched too thin. This seems like a totally fine reason to me.

These days even having just one child is environmentally pretty bad (I had two btw). Having more than two per couple is borderline irresponsible IMO.

but it’s fine to just not want a third. I didn’t.

Be honest (not entirely though in your case 😬)

But tell her 2 kids is enough for you

then tell her you are Getting. A . Vasectomy.

This will leave 0 % room for any other kid conversations.

Yabu for not being honest, and just saying that two is enough, and that you would not enjoy having any more children. It is a perfectly acceptable reason not to have another.

My DH didn't want any more dc, so he had a vasectomy.

I don’t want one is reason enough

You don’t have to defend yourself

I find these statements far more disrespectful to a long term partner than calling her “the wife”. Meh, I often say “the kids, the dog, the husband” without bad intention.

Of course you owe your wife an explanation and you need to have an adult conversation; both listening to each other’s views. So yes, you do need to defend yourself and you do need to listen to your wife’s feelings.

Presenting your reasons carefully and tactfully is still being honest. Just word your argument sensitively.

Id advise pointing out the positives of having 2 children rather than being negative about a third.

Should add, even with 3dc I was occasionally tempted to have another, but once the vasectomy removed the option, it simplified things

I find these statements far more disrespectful to a long term partner than calling her “the wife”

Why is it disrespectful?

I think not wanting another child is enough.

I’d like a third but my husband is adamant he only wants two and has similar reason that you outline. I understand and respect his reasons. Having a great relationship with him, particularly for the benefit of my current children, is far more important than a hypothetical third child.

She is your wife. You need to be completely straight & honest with her, because if you are not, two things will happen:
1, You will leave her with false hope unless you shut the subject of more children down, completely & permanently.
2, She will not be able to decide whether not having more children with you is a deal breaker for her until she knows the true situation. Only then will she be able to make decisions about the future of your marriage.

Good luck.

I hate "the wife" 😡
Men who say it are usually also the type to say "Calm down dear" and other David Brent type phrases.

I just think a partner is entitled to a conversation over more children; each should be able to put their case forward and the pros and cons debated.

One person shutting the subject down with ”Because I don’t want to” is refusing to consider their partner’s views or feelings and lacks any reasoning.

Does your wife work?

One person shutting the subject down with ”Because I don’t want to” is refusing to consider their partner’s views or feelings and lacks any reasoning.

Sorry, but I think the parent who doesn't want any more children trumps the one who does. I feel it is a very responsible stance to understand that having more children than you want is not a good idea, because they know exactly what is involved.

No-one should be talked, cajoled or pressured into being a parent if they don't want to be.

It isn't as if they don't have any children at all.

The reason he doesn’t want any more children is because he doesn’t like being a parent. Nothing to do with the amount of work involved.

YABU to not be able to have an honest conversation with "the wife".

FWIW, I completely agree with you. Perhaps don’t say, you don’t enjoy it, but I would say how hard the last few years have been, how tiring, how stressful etc. Maybe just say ‘I’ve got everything I could possibly want, life is good right now, work is going well, the children are blossoming and just perfect. I just don’t want more children’. And take responsibility of sorting out family planning, I’m assuming you’re happy to have a vasectomy if you’re that adamant?

No one should be talked, cajoled or pressured into being a parent

Absolutely.
I meant that op owes his wife more explanation than “because I don’t want to. End of “

i.e he needs to not only tactfully explain. his reasoning but be sensitive to his wife’s feelings.

I agree with all the previous posters who say that not wanting another child is a good enough reason and you should not be forced to have a child you don't want. My husband felt like this after our first and that's why she is an only; no, I was not happy about it and mourned it for a while, but I wasn't going to force him or trick him into having another child.

Saying you don't like being a parent would hurt your wife, and if your children ever hear you said this when they're older, it would hurt them too (by that time you might feel very differently). I would advise you not to say that.

I disagree with a lot of posters here in that I don't think he needs to explain himself. If the sexes were reversed, would a woman need to go into a lengthy explanation or just 'no, I don't want anymore'? It's not as if they have zero kids. They already have two. It's his bodily autonomy.

Well WHY doesn’t he “like” being a parent?
He needs to articulate that doesn’t he?

I’m basing my response on the little reasoning op has actually given- he finds parenting hard work and tiring, that’s all his reasoning extends to.

There are practical ways to lessen the workload of having children whilst working full time. (One of you being a SAHM, outsourcing some of the housework or childcare for example)
These are things that will probably come up in a conversation about a third child.

Be honest about your feelings and your actions to stop this happening. There may be consequences of course - people split because of different desires re number of children. Was there ever a plan to have 3?

Well WHY doesn’t he “like” being a parent? He needs to articulate that doesn’t he?

Not really. It’s enough that he just doesn’t like it. Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent.