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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

real reason for not wanting another

130 replies

cyrilsneereatstrees · 08/05/2023 07:13

Two children in and I am tired! Had both on the cusp of 40, several years later and a very little bit of normality is returning to our lives.

Cue the wife suggesting/saying we should have another.

I don't want another. I have thrown in arguments around practicalities, financials, time available for the children etc.

Problem is I managed to get an 80k+ WFH job 18 months ago, so time and money isn't the strong argument it once was. We are a true 50/50 couple around the children, housework etc.

I can't use my real reason - my real reason is that I dont really enjoy being a parent that much. Now I know every reason is valid but a quick search on that topic on here and looking at the responses from women on it if I say that it will go down like a cold sack of shit.

Are there any other reasons I can throw in that aren't going to send the wife mad? I have already steeled myself to a few years of resentment over not having a third and have already made preparations for the snip but if I drop the parenting line that will create a whole other huge issue.

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 08/05/2023 09:37

I wouldn’t say that you don’t like being a parent, I’d say you don’t want to go back to baby and toddler years. She needs to accept that you just don’t want another, you don’t need more of a reason than not wanting one.

Youdoyoubabe · 08/05/2023 09:42

She will take it hard. The urge to have more babies is strong. I persuaded my husband into a third but it wasn't too hard as we had 2 of a kind and reckon he fancied rolling the dice again to get a different flavour. We did but then he as adament no more.

In the end I suggested he have a vasectomy if he felt so strongly and he agreed that was the best solution so that was what we did. I did take him for the op and support his recovery even though it did make me a bit sad. Hey ho though. We got a dog soon after that and that was also quite fulfilling.

ClairDeLaLune · 08/05/2023 09:43

“Because I don’t want to” should be good enough reason. But unfortunately that doesn’t seem to be the case for your wife (please don’t call her “the wife”, that’s awful).

I personally would have loved a 3rd but one of the main reasons was environmental ones - I don’t think you should do more than replace yourselves on the planet. If that won’t wash then I think you need to be (partly) honest and say you don’t want to go back to the baby stage again, you won’t be able to give as much attention to your existing children, and it will be so much later in life when you get your lives as a couple back.

Be mindful, if your wife is approaching menopause, it might be her hormones making her think this way. But please don’t say that to her either!

SmileyClare · 08/05/2023 09:45

Ladysquamy · 08/05/2023 09:32

I disagree with a lot of posters here in that I don't think he needs to explain himself. If the sexes were reversed, would a woman need to go into a lengthy explanation or just 'no, I don't want anymore'? It's not as if they have zero kids. They already have two. It's his bodily autonomy.

Yes I think any partner deserves an explanation, of either sex.
The subject of having another child warrants an adult conversation.

That doesn’t mean op has to back down or change his mind. I didn’t say that.

Its great that op wants to give his wife a respectful honest reply without making her feel dictated to or resentful.

Kokeshi123 · 08/05/2023 09:45

I don't think you do dislike being a parent per se. I think you find the little kid stage hard work. It's understandable. I have two and don't want to do all that again. You're also presumably mid-40s by now. How old is she?

I think it's fine to just say that you feel the moment is past anyway, and that you are looking forward to moving forward to the next stage with older kids, not going back to prams and bottles and nappies and broken sleep....

Userengage · 08/05/2023 09:46

He has already given her reasons for not having a third, he doesn’t have to say his ultimate reason - that would be hurtful and not everyone is cut out for parenting. And there is no compromise on having another baby - you either have one or you don’t.

PPs asking how many did you plan to have, it’s easy to say how many you would like before they come along. It’s only once you are a parent that you realise what hard work it is. We used to say we wanted three but after two, we were done.

Stop giving him a hard time. He knows he doesn’t want another and is willing to sort out a vasectomy - good parenting.

ILoveCakeLikeTheToriesLoveRippingTaxPayersOff · 08/05/2023 09:47

Just be honest. I was honest with my DH, he took it brilliantly.
The idea of having another is just terrifying to me. 🫣

cpphelp · 08/05/2023 09:49

Yamaya · 08/05/2023 07:17

You don't have to say that, just say you don't want another one. That you are now starting to get back to normal and your tired. That should be good enough. No one should be able to force you to have more. Stand firm.

Agree with this entirely.

YouJustDoYou · 08/05/2023 09:53

As above. And super ensure contraception.

pontipinemum · 08/05/2023 10:01

Ya, I wouldn't say you don't enjoy being a parent. It would make me worry/ question that you don't love or want the 2 children you have.

But 'I don't want another baby' 'I don't want to do that again' 'I love that the kids are more independent now' are all perfectly valid and normal things to say.

Not wanting one should be enough without other reasons piled on top but I don't know about your house but in ours conversations are usually longer that 1 sentence.

I'd seriously consider a vasectomy too.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 08/05/2023 10:01

I was the one who didn't want more in this situation. My husband would have liked three or four, I knew I was at my coping limit with two. Being a nice person, he realised that, and so didn't push it at all, he wanted me to be happy and not to feel overwhelmed by life.

Don't overthink how to explain it, but I'd be upfront. I didn't want to do the small kid stage again, even though I loved my children.

I also think it's fine to discuss how much you do/don't enjoy various stages, I do know several people who say they wouldn't have any if they had their time again and they don't seem to be hiding it! The difference is though they are great present parents, knowing that that's the path they took. I don't think your true feelings need be hidden forever, but I wouldn't tie them in to the third child discussion right now.

RunningRunningRunningRunningRunning · 08/05/2023 10:02

Ignore the women sniping at you saying "the wife" I'm northern and lots of blokes refer to their wives as that, my husband does sometimes, women on here will jump allover whatever you say. As for not wanting more kids you don't need an excuse, you are done at 2 end of story. I have 3 children and early on before we even had 1 I said I wanted 3, my husband wanted 2. Then once we'd had 2 my husband said there was something missing so we had a 3rd. He was already on board, I didn't have to talk him round. Had he said no I'm done, I'd have been sad but he is entitled to want to stop. It's hard work going back to the start after 2, I can see why you don't want to especially if you feel done anyway and find it hard having kids at the best of times.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 08/05/2023 10:03

You can say you didn’t enjoy the baby and toddler years and sleepless nights etc, that’s very common in parents. You can say you’re happy with the two happy, healthy children you have and don’t want to try for a third child and all the unknowns and risks that come with it. It’s enough to just say you don’t want three.

Yerroblemom1923 · 08/05/2023 10:09

I think you should just be honest with her. Tell her you don't enjoy being a parent (in a way that doesn't suggest you can't stand your existing two, or if you can't then be up front about it.)
You're earning enough to walk away from it all if you wanted to.

BarelyLiterate · 08/05/2023 10:14

YouJustDoYou · 08/05/2023 09:53

As above. And super ensure contraception.

Absolutely. 110% this.

The desire for more children can be overwhelming for some women, and desperate people can do desperate things. DO NOT leave responsibility for contraception to her.

whoamI00 · 08/05/2023 10:16

I won't have any more child for the exact same reason as you.

GreyGoose1980 · 08/05/2023 10:20

Cherryana · 08/05/2023 07:23

Just say the real reason to your wife- you are happy that the children are getting more independent and you don’t want to go back to the baby/toddler stage again.

You enjoyed it at the time but now are enjoying this next stage of family life where it is easier to lie in, hang out with friends and chat with them uninterrupted even when the children are there, it’s become a bit less pressured.

This

Treacletoots · 08/05/2023 10:22

"The wife" is really disrespectful and misogynistic. So please have a think about that.

That aside, why does your wife want a third? Does she work, have hobbies etc? I work full time as does my DH in senior management roles and we definitely don't want any more as we feel our lives are full enough already, and yes we thoroughly hated the baby stage and don't wish to go though that again now we're mid 40s.

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/05/2023 10:31

Just say you don’t want another one
job done

“The Wife” has two already

no reason to over complicate

Manichean · 08/05/2023 10:32

You can just say you don't want another child. She will then have the information she needs to decide to stay with you or find a father to her third child elsewhere.

Sceptre86 · 08/05/2023 11:05

Just be honest, you find the baby stage tiring you're at a good a good point where the other kids are becoming more independent and now you can have more time as a couple.

The people who keep going on about your 'the wife' comment but not answering or giving any suggestions are annoying. Plenty of female posters use the 'hubby' term yet still get their posts answered.

KimberleyClark · 08/05/2023 11:09

Manichean · 08/05/2023 10:32

You can just say you don't want another child. She will then have the information she needs to decide to stay with you or find a father to her third child elsewhere.

I can’t believe anyone would be willing to break up the stable happy home her existing children have over a hypothetical third child.

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 08/05/2023 11:14

I wonder if the OP has considered 'the wife' might choose having a third baby over being his wifey.

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/05/2023 11:16

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 08/05/2023 11:14

I wonder if the OP has considered 'the wife' might choose having a third baby over being his wifey.

@RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway

so? He should have another kid he doesn’t want in order to pacify her to potentially stop her leaving?! Nah

SunnieShine · 08/05/2023 11:19

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying "the wife". Its just how some people talk.