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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

real reason for not wanting another

130 replies

cyrilsneereatstrees · 08/05/2023 07:13

Two children in and I am tired! Had both on the cusp of 40, several years later and a very little bit of normality is returning to our lives.

Cue the wife suggesting/saying we should have another.

I don't want another. I have thrown in arguments around practicalities, financials, time available for the children etc.

Problem is I managed to get an 80k+ WFH job 18 months ago, so time and money isn't the strong argument it once was. We are a true 50/50 couple around the children, housework etc.

I can't use my real reason - my real reason is that I dont really enjoy being a parent that much. Now I know every reason is valid but a quick search on that topic on here and looking at the responses from women on it if I say that it will go down like a cold sack of shit.

Are there any other reasons I can throw in that aren't going to send the wife mad? I have already steeled myself to a few years of resentment over not having a third and have already made preparations for the snip but if I drop the parenting line that will create a whole other huge issue.

OP posts:
Elmo230885 · 08/05/2023 07:57

SmileyClare · 08/05/2023 07:52

A compromise might be to support your wife in being a SAHM?

That way, the division of labour can change from the 50/50 split up you have now over housework, childcare etc.

If your wife doesn’t work then I think she should be doing the lions share of household tasks including cooking, cleaning/ house admin and childcare

That’s not to say you shouldn’t make every effort to parent your children during your down time.

Really? this is terrible advice.

Turn Mum into a 50s housewife, load her with all the chores and childcare so resentment can fester that her husband has the freedom of working and adult contact. Meanwhile the husband can become resentful of being the only wage earner, shouldering all financial responsibility and providing for a child he didn't want!

CurlewKate · 08/05/2023 07:59

"The wife" Hmm. Maybe this relationship is not as equal as you suggest.

CurlewKate · 08/05/2023 08:03

@ittakes2 "Say you feel too old to do the baby stage again and want to concentrate on developing a meaningful relationship with the two you have."
Yep. Lying's always good.

WaltzingWaters · 08/05/2023 08:03

Two children is a good amount, and you can just say you feel the family is complete, and you don’t have the energy for another.
Stop calling her the wife though.

greyhairnomore · 08/05/2023 08:03

Tell her the truth ??
Stop calling her 'the wife'
Book the vasectomy.

BendingSpoons · 08/05/2023 08:03

I love my children and am very happy to be a parent, but I have reached my limit with 2. I don't feel there is any energy left for another one. Life is (mostly!) good, but for me a 3rd would tip it.

MammaTo · 08/05/2023 08:03

I imagine your wife has got the baby blinkers on where you can’t remember how hellish those early days are - I say this with a 5 month old in tow. It’s like your brain literally makes you forget labour and childbirth and these newborn days.
Id sit with her and really convey that your happy to be reaching a new stage of your life and with your new job and income you’ll be able to give the 2 kids you do have absolutely everything they want.
Plus more time for you and your wife to reconnect now the kids aren’t so little.
Id also make sure she’s still taking birth control.

SmileyClare · 08/05/2023 08:08

@Elmo230885

My reply was based on the op’s reason why he didn’t want another child ;

He’s “tired, he’s working full time but also doing 50% of all housework and childcare”

The workload of having another child could lessen dramatically if one parent stops work. The “work load” is what he dislikes about being a dad.

SAHMs that do the majority of the chores and childcare aren’t “1950’s housewives”
Most return to work after the early years.

Besides, if a woman wants to be a housewife and her husband supports that, then that’s her choice.

tinytemper66 · 08/05/2023 08:14

Also, if YOU don't want another child, have the snip!

LlamaFace19 · 08/05/2023 08:14

Simply saying you don't want any more should be enough. I adore my kids but 1000% don't want a third. I don't particularly enjoy the baby stage and that's fine.

Your wife can decide if she's willing to compromise or wether this theoretical third child is worth ending your marriage over.

readbooksdrinktea · 08/05/2023 08:17

It's perfectly reasonable not to want another child. No one should be forced. Stop lying to her, though. Have a conversation.

The wife does grate. It seems so dismissive.

Ponoka7 · 08/05/2023 08:22

How old is your wife? When you got together how many children did each of you say you wanted? I agree that you should just be honest. Different scenario, I'm my DD's childcare. I stated that under no circumstances am I wanting to do the baby stage again. Three children does change holiday bookings, being able to take them swimming alone etc.

Noicant · 08/05/2023 08:23

Just say it, I didn’t want another one because I don’t enjoy it and I told DH that and he accepted it. Try just being honest. It’s hard work, you guys are getting your lives back.

NEmama · 08/05/2023 08:26

Too old for any more.

AlrightJulia · 08/05/2023 08:30

Ergh. 'The wife'. Envy

TomeTome · 08/05/2023 08:32

You tell her you have decided you don’t want more children so she can decide if she wants to stay with you, surely? I honestly don’t understand how you can be married if you don’t communicate well enough to discuss this.

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 08/05/2023 08:36

orangegato · 08/05/2023 07:19

I don’t want one is reason enough. Why be walked over? It’s a joint thing.

on a side note which industry allows you to WFH on 80k (asking for a friend…)

Tech, for one.

OP it doesn’t bode well if you can’t just be honest with your wife.

autienotnaughtym · 08/05/2023 08:38

I would say you don't really enjoy the early years, you are looking forward to them being a bit older and having more freedom again. You don't want to go back to square one.

Nordicrain · 08/05/2023 08:39

Tell "the wife" that you don't want more children rather than stringing her along with excuses.
Then sort a vasectomy so she doesn't have to carry the burden of your reproductive choices.

midsomermurderess · 08/05/2023 08:47

‘The wife’ part has been done. Why are so many of you like this? Just copy, parroting another like sanctimonious idiots. doing it. It has been done.

tinytemper66 · 08/05/2023 08:53

midsomermurderess · 08/05/2023 08:47

‘The wife’ part has been done. Why are so many of you like this? Just copy, parroting another like sanctimonious idiots. doing it. It has been done.

Some of us just read the OP and it grated. Ok? I am not going to police everyone's reply.

tulippa · 08/05/2023 08:53

One of the (many) reasons I stopped at two was that I really disliked the baby stage and couldn't face going through it again. Just not wanting to is also a good enough reason not to have a baby.

willWillSmithsmith · 08/05/2023 08:57

You just say you don’t want another. You don’t have to defend why.

Gettingbysomehow · 08/05/2023 08:58

Because there are too many bloody children in the world already and nobody should be having more than one or two maximum. I have only one and my adult DS isn't having any.
Each child is a future consumer using resources we don't have any more.
Also with less children you can afford to help them with education/housing in the future.
I was able to help my DS buy a home which I would not have been able to do with more.

Badgeringabout · 08/05/2023 09:00

Be honest and tell her. I knew that I would hate being a mother so I decided not to be. You clearly hate the idea of having a third so don't. Simple.

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