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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she is bang out of order?!

145 replies

Runningonjammiedodgers · 07/05/2023 19:06

ExH and I have 2DCs. ExH has had a gf of 3 months. He is now away for work until the summer. The DCs have met the gf a handful of times. Gf phoned DC1 (aged 12) to invite both DCs out for a day trip with her. I have never met this woman, the children are on my time and neither myself of ExH had any idea she was intending to invite them out for the day. She didn't run it past either of us. AIBU for thinking that was a completely inappropriate thing to do and that she is majorly overstepping boundaries?

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 07/05/2023 19:07

I've seen this before yes it's out if order

Original poster
Runningonjammiedodgers · 07/05/2023 19:09

She just my kids in the middle of an uncomfortable situation. Such an odd way to behave.

OP posts:
WunWun · 07/05/2023 19:09

I don't know that she's out of order so much as has a screw loose.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 07/05/2023 19:31

Weird thing to do

Blablablanamechangagain · 07/05/2023 19:37

Mumsnet really hates step parents.

She might be weird, granted.

She might also have just thought it would be a nice thing to do.

It's a simple fix, no thank you, we have other plans. Or how about, sounds great but be better to go when Dad's back so we can all go together.

Why does everything have to be so dramatic?

WunWun · 07/05/2023 19:39

She isn't a step parent.

KateyCuckoo · 07/05/2023 19:40

Blablablanamechangagain · 07/05/2023 19:37

Mumsnet really hates step parents.

She might be weird, granted.

She might also have just thought it would be a nice thing to do.

It's a simple fix, no thank you, we have other plans. Or how about, sounds great but be better to go when Dad's back so we can all go together.

Why does everything have to be so dramatic?

A girlfriend of 3 months is not a step parent!

WheelsUp · 07/05/2023 19:42

Yanbu

It's refreshing that your ex can see that this is strange behaviour from her.

spottybug · 07/05/2023 19:42

I do not think it is bang out of order. I do think its a little much too soon. She's probably trying too hard but I expect it comes from a good place .

How did she get their number?

LaMaG · 07/05/2023 19:43

My first reading is that it's a nice gesture by someone who is trying to make an effort. I would probably think its premature though and totally understand you would decline especially since you dont really know her.

Reugny · 07/05/2023 19:43

Weird.

Why the hell would you invite your new partners kids out without talking to him first?

WheelsUp · 07/05/2023 19:44

Blablablanamechangagain · 07/05/2023 19:37

Mumsnet really hates step parents.

She might be weird, granted.

She might also have just thought it would be a nice thing to do.

It's a simple fix, no thank you, we have other plans. Or how about, sounds great but be better to go when Dad's back so we can all go together.

Why does everything have to be so dramatic?

It's not normal to phone a 12 year old that you've met a handful of times without involving the parents. Most people would ask the parent rather than contact a 12 year old that they barely know directly because it is the sort of thing that a groomer or pedophile would do and most people don't want their actions misinterpreted.

OhmygodDont · 07/05/2023 19:46

At three months in they shouldn’t have even met, let alone her having their numbers and inviting them out behind both mothers and fathers back.

Lovingitallnow · 07/05/2023 19:46

I wouldn't ask my god-daughter at 12 before running it passed her mom. We might discuss something hypothetical but then I'll talk to her mom first.

sparkellie · 07/05/2023 19:46

It's possibly a bit odd that she didn't run it past your ex, but at least she is showing an interest in having an actual relationship with them, and keeping that up whilst your ex is away. I would probably decline this time, purely as they don't know her very well, but hopefully at some point in the future you will be able to accept comfortably, and they will gain a trusted adult in their lives.
I would have a word with the ex (presuming you can talk to him) and check he is happy for this to happen, as long as he is, then leave it up to the kids if they want to spend time with her without their dad present.
My son adores going fishing with my partner (not his dad). Its great for their relationship, and doesn't detract from his relationship with his dad in any way. He (my son) hates it if I tag along for the day!

pinkfondu · 07/05/2023 19:48

Why does she have their phone number?

Original poster
Runningonjammiedodgers · 07/05/2023 20:00

So I rang my ex and it was the first he knew of it. Apparently they had loosely talked about getting together when he was away but he had no idea she would just go ahead and do it without running it past either of us. He said he could understand why I felt the way I did. She is not there step parent, she is a very new girlfriend. I am completely open to her seeing my children in the future when he is away. But not after three months, having never met her and without her running it past either parent.

And it is completely mental she has already met my children. But that is a whole other thing 🙄

OP posts:
BreviloquentBastard · 07/05/2023 20:02

Blablablanamechangagain · 07/05/2023 19:37

Mumsnet really hates step parents.

She might be weird, granted.

She might also have just thought it would be a nice thing to do.

It's a simple fix, no thank you, we have other plans. Or how about, sounds great but be better to go when Dad's back so we can all go together.

Why does everything have to be so dramatic?

Would you feel the same if this was a man phoning a 12 year old child inviting them out without consulting the child's parents? A man who has met the child only a few times? A man who has been dating the child's parent for only 3 months and is very much NOT the child's step parent?

This is creepy as fuck behaviour and the only reason people are being leniant with her on here and calling this "a nice gesture" or "a bit odd" or even outright defending her like you are is because she's got a vagina. It's completely weird and unacceptable behaviour from this relative stranger.

GoodChat · 07/05/2023 20:03

Can you get her phone number and give her a call?

Original poster
Runningonjammiedodgers · 07/05/2023 20:06

I rang her from my son's phone. And I acknowledged that is was a well intended gesture but it was inappropriate to contacted my children directly and in the future she would need to speak to my ex and he could then run it past me if they are on my time. I asked her not to contacted my children directly again and she went ' I won't!' and then hung up. Spoke to my ex a couple of hours later and that was the first he knew of it all. Think he is going to speak to her.

OP posts:
Justalittlebitduckling · 07/05/2023 20:08

Blablablanamechangagain · 07/05/2023 19:37

Mumsnet really hates step parents.

She might be weird, granted.

She might also have just thought it would be a nice thing to do.

It's a simple fix, no thank you, we have other plans. Or how about, sounds great but be better to go when Dad's back so we can all go together.

Why does everything have to be so dramatic?

She should have checked with their mum.

Toomanylatenightprogs · 07/05/2023 20:09

Is she very young? Sounds like the sort of thing a 20 year old might do.
Doesnt excuse it though, totally inappropriate and you handled it well.

sparkellie · 07/05/2023 20:10

I think you've handled it the best you can. It sounds as though she's got a bit carried away between musing the idea with your ex, and actually going ahead with it.
You've put some boundaries in place with her and your ex, and that's all you can do for now. See how it pans out over the next few months. If your ex has introduced her to the kids so quickly you would hope that it's because he sees a future with her.

GoodChat · 07/05/2023 20:11

You've reacted perfectly, OP.
Hopefully he talks to her and you get a sincere apology.

Original poster
Runningonjammiedodgers · 07/05/2023 20:11

No she is 40 and has two very young kids of her own. She introduced them to my ex after a week and he pretty much stays round all the time when he is home. I don't think she has any boundaries and seems pretty hell bent on creating a blended family in the shortest time possible.

OP posts: