Page 5 | To think she is bang out of order?!

Runningonjammiedodgers · 2023-05-07T18:06:57+00:00

ExH and I have 2DCs. ExH has had a gf of 3 months. He is now away for work until the summer. The DCs have met the gf a handful of times. Gf phoned DC1 (aged 12) to invite both DCs out for a day trip with her. I have never met this woman, the children are on my time and neither myself of ExH had any idea she was intending to invite them out for the day. She didn't run it past either of us. AIBU for thinking that was a completely inappropriate thing to do and that she is majorly overstepping boundaries?

Original poster

Runningonjammiedodgers · 08/05/2023 23:18

Annoyingwurringnoise · 08/05/2023 22:42

it might have been done with the best of intentions, you haven’t suggested anything that would make me think it’s anything other than that, but it’s really not appropriate at all.

I think it was likely a nice gesture, though possibly more for ExH benefit so he can see how great she is. But it wasn't appropriate the way that she went about it and it shows a lack of regard for me as their mother. Nice gesture or not it is odd that she thinks an outing behind both parents back is ok.

OP posts:

T1Dmama · 09/05/2023 03:25

Blablablanamechangagain · 07/05/2023 19:37

Mumsnet really hates step parents.

She might be weird, granted.

She might also have just thought it would be a nice thing to do.

It's a simple fix, no thank you, we have other plans. Or how about, sounds great but be better to go when Dad's back so we can all go together.

Why does everything have to be so dramatic?

She’s not a step parent… did you miss the part where their dad has only been with her 3 months and they’ve only met her once??
Also it isn’t appropriate for someone to ask the children if they can take them out… Arrangements should go through Mum first… my friends ex husband does this… texts his 10 ur old and asks if he can see her Saturday… knowing full well that if mum has already made commitments she’ll have to cancel her plans as can’t say no to their DD & be painted as the bad guy!… Unless it’s a parents weekend they should always message the main cater first and ask if the child is free the weekend… then text child and say ‘fancy the cinema on Saturday!’
As for someone who my kids don’t even know picking them up and taking them out… just odd

T1Dmama · 09/05/2023 03:41

Runningonjammiedodgers · 07/05/2023 20:11

No she is 40 and has two very young kids of her own. She introduced them to my ex after a week and he pretty much stays round all the time when he is home. I don't think she has any boundaries and seems pretty hell bent on creating a blended family in the shortest time possible.

Women like this do my head in!! She’s putting her own wants ahead of her childrens safety… The very fact she’s happy to introduce a stranger after a week to her children says a lot about her as a parent… it’s incredibly selfish and irresponsible.
It’s also wrong of your ex to introduce her so quickly to your kids, surely he can devote his time to his children for 2 weekends a month without bringing along gf and her kids!!…. Your kids deserve his full attention for those 4 days a month! (I’m assuming that’s the arrangement!)

I find both his and her behaviour very strange… neither are truest thinking of what is best for your DC’s It sounds like she thought taking your kids out while he’s away would somehow earn her some brownie points with their dad…. She sounds desperate to impress/get her claws in him…. She’ll be pregnant next!

T1Dmama · 09/05/2023 04:04

I’d also be asking him to just consider how he would feel if you moved a man in you met on tinder after a week and then that man was texting his kids while they were at his house asking if they wanted picking up and taking somewhere else with just him, without running it past you or himself…. Ask him to just give that some serious thought….
why is a woman doing this seen as ‘a kind gesture’…. If a man did this you’d be doing a police check on him and googling his name to see if he had previous convictions! I bet if the roles were reversed and you were bringing men home to your children your exH would hit the bloody roof!!

Imogensmumma · 09/05/2023 05:19

Whyamiherenow · 08/05/2023 18:04

DH and I have been together a number of years. We have a DC. We have known each other 27 years. DSD is 10. I do look after her at times on my own. DSD has a phone but I wouldn’t dream of messaging or phoning her directly. We have a good relationship. I go to school plays as does her mum and family etc. but DSD isn’t my child, she visits to see DH and DC not to see me (not really) so boundaries are really important.

In fact whilst I have DSD mum’s contact details for emergencies. There has never been an emergency so I’ve never contacted her.

YANBU

Totally agree with you. I’ve been a step mum for 6 years I look after my DSS’s when absolutely needed otherwise they are spending time with their dad and our joint DC , can’t even think of a reason that after 6 years I would organise to see them separately, contact them directly without involving both parents, it’s just not my place.

How did she get the kids phone numbers? Might be worth talking to the kids about mobile phone safety so they don’t give out their numbers to practical strangers

MrsRickAstley · 09/05/2023 07:06

@Blablablanamechangagain she's not step parent, she's just Dad's girlfriend.

Babycakes6 · 09/05/2023 07:08

MrsRickAstley · 09/05/2023 07:06

@Blablablanamechangagain she's not step parent, she's just Dad's girlfriend.

And very much deluded too!

RachaelN · 09/05/2023 07:15

Oh the stories I could tell about my ex's ex 😂
She just assumed she was their new mother and that I would be ok with it. She didn't last long.

helpplease01 · 09/05/2023 08:14

Just say no. Not appropriate. She's effectively a stranger to you and them. Stupid fucking idea. Red flag personally. Anyone who thinks that's cool is a moron.

wentworthinmate · 09/05/2023 11:12

LaMaG · 07/05/2023 19:43

My first reading is that it's a nice gesture by someone who is trying to make an effort. I would probably think its premature though and totally understand you would decline especially since you dont really know her.

Exactly this.

lunar1 · 09/05/2023 11:30

I think I would do a Claire's law request on this woman. For all the people saying it's a nice gesture, I have to wonder what the response would be if it was a man doing the same.

You can never have too much information on something who may significantly affect your children.

I have friends children who I regularly take out for the day, I've known them their whole lives. It would never occur to me to make arrangements with them directly! The same with my friends and my DC.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 09/05/2023 21:00

Step parent for 10 years now… SS11 ATM… Still wouldn’t do this, my brother is getting married this year and I still text his mum to see if it would be okay to have him for the additional day and explain!!! I didn’t even begin to text his mum directly until a good 2/3 years.

I get really pissed with the reputation us step parents get thanks to some who can’t just have a little respect over the fact that the child has two parents and it costs nothing to try to effectively communicate to mitigate issues wherever possible.

ellyeth · 10/05/2023 23:00

I think to suggest that some replies demonstrate a hatred of step parents is ridiculous.

The relationship between the OP's husband and his girlfriend is very new, and the OP has not even met her.

I think it was perfectly reasonable to find it inappropriate for the girlfriend to contact the children directly. She should have mentioned it to the children's father and he could discuss it with the OP, though I would not be happy to let my children spend a day with someone I hadn't even met, particularly as she shows such lack of judgment.

I think the OP's response was polite and measured.

mustgetoffmn · 11/05/2023 08:58

Blablablanamechangagain · 07/05/2023 19:37

Mumsnet really hates step parents.

She might be weird, granted.

She might also have just thought it would be a nice thing to do.

It's a simple fix, no thank you, we have other plans. Or how about, sounds great but be better to go when Dad's back so we can all go together.

Why does everything have to be so dramatic?

I was a step parent. I felt so keen to be “the one” that I tried to become surrogate parent. 27 years later and another child for ex I became the dumped and his current partner did exactly same showering DD with gifts etc. DD was disgusted and furious. At best it’s immaturity and insensitivity. At worst it’s creepy. One thing it isn’t is “nice”. Not for anyone.

Original poster

Runningonjammiedodgers · 11/05/2023 10:59

I definitely don't have an issue with step parents. One of my DCs grandparents is technically a step-grandparent and they are truly wonderful with my children. Their lives are so much richer because of said step-grandparent. Def have an issue with GFs playing a step parent after a few months...but from this thread its sounds like most people on here are in agreement. Good to know I am not over reacting here.

OP posts:

T1Dmama · 11/05/2023 11:16

Runningonjammiedodgers · 11/05/2023 10:59

I definitely don't have an issue with step parents. One of my DCs grandparents is technically a step-grandparent and they are truly wonderful with my children. Their lives are so much richer because of said step-grandparent. Def have an issue with GFs playing a step parent after a few months...but from this thread its sounds like most people on here are in agreement. Good to know I am not over reacting here.

You’re not over reacting . I find it hard to believe anyone would allow someone they’ve never met to pick their kids up and take them out for the day! I wouldn’t allow that even if my ex had agreed to it!
If he was also there then fair enough, but a day out alone with my kids… not a chance in hell!
She isn’t exactly painting a picture of herself as a responsible parent to her own kids, let alone pretending to be one to mine in order to win favours with the ex!

mustgetoffmn · 13/05/2023 02:39

sparkellie · 07/05/2023 19:46

It's possibly a bit odd that she didn't run it past your ex, but at least she is showing an interest in having an actual relationship with them, and keeping that up whilst your ex is away. I would probably decline this time, purely as they don't know her very well, but hopefully at some point in the future you will be able to accept comfortably, and they will gain a trusted adult in their lives.
I would have a word with the ex (presuming you can talk to him) and check he is happy for this to happen, as long as he is, then leave it up to the kids if they want to spend time with her without their dad present.
My son adores going fishing with my partner (not his dad). Its great for their relationship, and doesn't detract from his relationship with his dad in any way. He (my son) hates it if I tag along for the day!

Completely different. Your partner is presumably of longer than 3 months? Did the fishing trips get arranged without your involvement or knowledge?

mustgetoffmn · 13/05/2023 02:51

Runningonjammiedodgers · 07/05/2023 20:06

I rang her from my son's phone. And I acknowledged that is was a well intended gesture but it was inappropriate to contacted my children directly and in the future she would need to speak to my ex and he could then run it past me if they are on my time. I asked her not to contacted my children directly again and she went ' I won't!' and then hung up. Spoke to my ex a couple of hours later and that was the first he knew of it all. Think he is going to speak to her.

Oh dear. Doesn’t sound as though she’s going to be around for long. Which is btw -to all those treating this as appropriate behaviour - another reason we don’t introduce children to new partners too early. It’s confusing enough for children to adjust to parents split and having new relationships without their being prematurely introduced to possibly short lived new partners. Quite apart from the new partner being the one to initiate meet ups. I’m getting bunny boiler vibes 😳

sparkellie · 13/05/2023 04:53

mustgetoffmn · 13/05/2023 02:39

Completely different. Your partner is presumably of longer than 3 months? Did the fishing trips get arranged without your involvement or knowledge?

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I meant that as an example of the kind of relationship they may be able to have in future, not right now.
Having said that, I also, with the extra info from the OP since, think the new girlfriend has massively overstepped the mark, and would definitely not be allowing my kids to go off with her for the day!

mustgetoffmn · 13/05/2023 10:18

BaconChops · 08/05/2023 22:38

Why are people so cynical? Contact x husband and ask his thoughts and accept this may be a nice gesture?

Even if you did think it “ a nice gesture” would you be happy about your children being invited out for the day ( in your arranged time with them) by a stranger ( to you , and brief acquaintance to your children) without the arrangement being made with your knowledge? Or apparently her new boyfriend’s knowledge? So you have a plan for your day with your DC and they contact you to say they are off on a trip with this stranger to you. In the actual car. New gf s “ response when OP contacted her subsequently doesn’t really indicate a person who was making a nice gesture. That type of person would be mortified and apologetic not slam phone down on mother of children.

mustgetoffmn · 13/05/2023 10:24

sparkellie · 13/05/2023 04:53

I meant that as an example of the kind of relationship they may be able to have in future, not right now.
Having said that, I also, with the extra info from the OP since, think the new girlfriend has massively overstepped the mark, and would definitely not be allowing my kids to go off with her for the day!

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It’s great when children and step parents become friends and new family so well done

mustgetoffmn · 13/05/2023 10:34

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 09/05/2023 21:00

Step parent for 10 years now… SS11 ATM… Still wouldn’t do this, my brother is getting married this year and I still text his mum to see if it would be okay to have him for the additional day and explain!!! I didn’t even begin to text his mum directly until a good 2/3 years.

I get really pissed with the reputation us step parents get thanks to some who can’t just have a little respect over the fact that the child has two parents and it costs nothing to try to effectively communicate to mitigate issues wherever possible.

Again, this isn’t a post about step parenting. Girlfriend of 3 months.

mustgetoffmn · 13/05/2023 10:43

wentworthinmate · 09/05/2023 11:12

Exactly this.

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OP knew nothing about this until they were about to get into the car. OP hadn’t even met the gf.

So decline what? No invite to decline.

(DH knew nothing also.)

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 13/05/2023 10:59

@mustgetoffmn completely missed my point….

My point was that even having been a step parent for nearly 10 years I wouldn’t text SS directly to make arrangements… therefore, texting her boyfriends child after only 3 and trying to arrange things on OPs time is stepping way over a line and by behaving like this she contributes to a rhetoric. Bio dad certainly hasn’t helped in this situation by introducing her that quick, but she has some boundary issues reading the update as he didn’t even know about it! I think the OP handled it very reasonably.

mustgetoffmn · 13/05/2023 11:39

T1Dmama · 09/05/2023 03:41

Women like this do my head in!! She’s putting her own wants ahead of her childrens safety… The very fact she’s happy to introduce a stranger after a week to her children says a lot about her as a parent… it’s incredibly selfish and irresponsible.
It’s also wrong of your ex to introduce her so quickly to your kids, surely he can devote his time to his children for 2 weekends a month without bringing along gf and her kids!!…. Your kids deserve his full attention for those 4 days a month! (I’m assuming that’s the arrangement!)

I find both his and her behaviour very strange… neither are truest thinking of what is best for your DC’s It sounds like she thought taking your kids out while he’s away would somehow earn her some brownie points with their dad…. She sounds desperate to impress/get her claws in him…. She’ll be pregnant next!

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OP this paints a completely different picture to the one I had in my head. Same result, as almost everyone agrees. But had an image of a very young childless woman . That DH lives on his own and has only seen her a few times. What do you mean by “when he’s at home”? Does he work away somewhere? It’s not my business but I feel critical towards him that he hasn’t preserved proper space for himself and his children exclusively. Why hasn’t he? 3 months? She sounds awful, I’m sorry I guess it’s hard for you to influence the situation. She sounds as though she doesn’t mind going adversarial with you instead of trying to make sure of a polite relationship even. I hope it settles down and that she apologises to you. But let’s face it the person responsible here is your ex. He needs to draw boundaries in the absence of her apparent ability to do so. Unfortunately some rules will probably need to be put in place.