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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she is bang out of order?!

145 replies

Runningonjammiedodgers · 07/05/2023 19:06

ExH and I have 2DCs. ExH has had a gf of 3 months. He is now away for work until the summer. The DCs have met the gf a handful of times. Gf phoned DC1 (aged 12) to invite both DCs out for a day trip with her. I have never met this woman, the children are on my time and neither myself of ExH had any idea she was intending to invite them out for the day. She didn't run it past either of us. AIBU for thinking that was a completely inappropriate thing to do and that she is majorly overstepping boundaries?

OP posts:
Original poster
Runningonjammiedodgers · 08/05/2023 19:47

SuperSange · 08/05/2023 19:23

Well your ex can absolve himself of some responsibility and blame her, but who gave her the kids phone numbers? Was it him, or did she take them? I think he might be trying to divert blame. Is that likely?

ExH knew DC and gf has swapped numbers but wasn't sure how it was initiated. DC said she has text him a few times with memes and pictures of their dad. I wanted to block her number but thought that might be heavy handed. I could ask DC how she got their number but don't know if I want to drag it all up with DC again.

OP posts:
unbelieveable22 · 08/05/2023 19:48

Runningonjammiedodgers · 08/05/2023 19:37

I find it wired because she is not their step mum, she is a very new girlfriend. She didn't consult either of their parents but instead tried to directly make plans with the children. It was my weekend with them, she has no right to insert herself into my time with the children. In my opinion it is incredibly inappropriate to contact two children you have met a handful of times and ask them out for the day (she was getting ready to jump in the car to collect them) without telling their parents.

Show quote history

If it had been a man trying to contact a 12 year old behind their parents back would those questioning your motives find that acceptable?
Find it difficult to understand how she brought a new 'partner' into her home within 3 months with 2 young children in the house.

CabbagePatchDole · 08/05/2023 19:50

FictionalCharacter · 07/05/2023 21:30

Hm. Sounds like she’s decided already that he’s going to be her next husband and her kids and yours are going to be a happy family.

I agree. And there’s nothing wrong with that fantasy. As long as it stays in her head for now. She’s put them all in an awkward position. I almost feel sorry for her as her intentions are probably good.

chezpopbang · 08/05/2023 19:52

Blablablanamechangagain · 07/05/2023 19:37

Mumsnet really hates step parents.

She might be weird, granted.

She might also have just thought it would be a nice thing to do.

It's a simple fix, no thank you, we have other plans. Or how about, sounds great but be better to go when Dad's back so we can all go together.

Why does everything have to be so dramatic?

She is a gf of three months not a step parent. If they were married and the mum had met her it would be very different. Or even mentioning it to the dad and letting him ok it first.

BurntOutGirl · 08/05/2023 20:01

She sounds desperate to have a man/father for her kids in her life so is trying to insert herself into the DC life so XH will think how great she is.

Hopefully she won't get pregnant...

ThomasinaLivesHere · 08/05/2023 20:24

It’s so inappropriate to contact children like that! I understand how a grown adult especially with kids would act that way.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 08/05/2023 20:26

*can’t understand

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 08/05/2023 20:27

OhmygodDont · 07/05/2023 19:46

At three months in they shouldn’t have even met, let alone her having their numbers and inviting them out behind both mothers and fathers back.

This. The kids should not even know she exists at this stage. He's been dating her a few weeks. What was he thinking introducing them before he even had time to get to know her properly and make sure the relationship would last (and that she isn't bonkers)?

strawberry2017 · 08/05/2023 20:29

Hopefully your ex can talk to her and show her that the thought was probably kind but too soon and not done in the correct way.

Cazareeto1 · 08/05/2023 20:31

Personally I would be talking to XH again, and explain that you have been made to feel extremely uncomfortable with his involvement with his very new GF and your children at this stage. Like why she has a direct number to your children (which is not ok after a 3 month relationship) taht you would prefer until his new relationship is solid and he knows them well enough not to do this kind of thing you would prefer until that point the kids was left out of his relationship and not meeting after such a short period of time. Explain you do not wish to interfere or be involved in his new relationship. But as kids mum the early involvement with the children and her contacting kids directly at this stage doesn’t sit right with you.

personally I would be livid taht she meet kids after 2 weeks from a tinder date so not like they had a basic friendship before dating.. it is very very odd she at this stage (I can understand after a longer more stable relationship where ur ex and his gf are at a more mature stage in their relationship not the honeymoon period… to me personally this would show what XH will have a few of these short term relationships in next few years which will not be healthy for kids to be involved with them all.

his GF considering has children herself should understand to give the parental relationship you are your x now share, to respect that and give space for the parents to parent… I wonder how she would feel if it was her kids dads time and he contacted kids directly on their dads time im
sure the dad would have eye brows raised on why this man was contacting kids after 3 month relationship with their mother. I’d maybe explain that way to XH to maybe give him an idea how off it actually is at this stage. The GF is not a step
mum at this stage, this is a 3 month old relationship 🤦‍♀️ what is she thinking. Boundaries need set in place with ur XH so he can set them with his GF

Newpuppymummy · 08/05/2023 20:32

I dont think it's bang out of order. I do think she should have called you not your dd.

knelson · 08/05/2023 20:35

AnonymousA1 · 07/05/2023 22:03

Maybe she thinks she’s being nice.

maybe she doesn’t realise it’s much to soon.

But of course this is Mumsnet , she must be a psychotic evil woman who wants to steal your kids 🙄

There probably wasn't evil intent. She probably did think she was doing a nice thing...But it is a bit odd that she called DC instead of calling OP or confirming things with OP's ex. She's 40 and a parent herself so she should know that you don't invite a kid for a day out without checking with the parents first. That's just common sense, especially since OP has never met her and the kids themselves have only met her a handful of times. Even if she couldn't get a hold of OP she could have checked it out with OP's ex.

Most parents I know don't typically want their kids running around with an adult the parents haven't met yet. That's just normal parenting.

If GF wanted to hang out with the kids for the day she should have 1. talked about it and confirmed it would be ok with ex 2. Called OP to see if it was ok or have Ex call OP to talk about it. Then, maybe try to meet OP in person so OP can feel more comfortable.

By calling the kids directly she undermined both OP and OP's Ex.

Hotfootgoose · 08/05/2023 20:37

She is trying to cement her relationship with him by getting in with his kids. Tell her no, straight to her face and get ex dh to sort this. For all you know she could have a police record as long as your arm. You don’t know her at all!

Original poster
Runningonjammiedodgers · 08/05/2023 20:37

Cazareeto1 · 08/05/2023 20:31

Personally I would be talking to XH again, and explain that you have been made to feel extremely uncomfortable with his involvement with his very new GF and your children at this stage. Like why she has a direct number to your children (which is not ok after a 3 month relationship) taht you would prefer until his new relationship is solid and he knows them well enough not to do this kind of thing you would prefer until that point the kids was left out of his relationship and not meeting after such a short period of time. Explain you do not wish to interfere or be involved in his new relationship. But as kids mum the early involvement with the children and her contacting kids directly at this stage doesn’t sit right with you.

personally I would be livid taht she meet kids after 2 weeks from a tinder date so not like they had a basic friendship before dating.. it is very very odd she at this stage (I can understand after a longer more stable relationship where ur ex and his gf are at a more mature stage in their relationship not the honeymoon period… to me personally this would show what XH will have a few of these short term relationships in next few years which will not be healthy for kids to be involved with them all.

his GF considering has children herself should understand to give the parental relationship you are your x now share, to respect that and give space for the parents to parent… I wonder how she would feel if it was her kids dads time and he contacted kids directly on their dads time im
sure the dad would have eye brows raised on why this man was contacting kids after 3 month relationship with their mother. I’d maybe explain that way to XH to maybe give him an idea how off it actually is at this stage. The GF is not a step
mum at this stage, this is a 3 month old relationship 🤦‍♀️ what is she thinking. Boundaries need set in place with ur XH so he can set them with his GF

I did speak to him at the beginning and got told to fuck off (actual words) and that I was trying to bully him. I have since spoken to him again on request of DC1 who didn't feel comfortable talking to him to explain that the DC have expressed a wish to see more of the dad with just them and not them and GF. He did take that onboard and she starting just staying one of the two nights he has them on his weekends. But in all honesty it felt a bit like closing the door after the horse had bolted as she had already met them and introduced all the kids.

I do try to leave him to it on his time as it's a) not my business and b) I have driven my self mad stressing about other GF that have come along. Though by comparison they all seem fairly normal.

This was different though as he was not involved at all and I felt like she was completely undermining my role as their mother.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 08/05/2023 20:40

I would block her number and delete the contact details from your children's phones. What she did is completely inappropriate.

What on earth did she think would happen, you'd just sit there while a random woman collected your children, while you had no idea she'd initiated plans!

I'm afraid there would be no future trust in this woman where my children were concerned.

Cazareeto1 · 08/05/2023 20:41

Runningonjammiedodgers · 08/05/2023 19:47

ExH knew DC and gf has swapped numbers but wasn't sure how it was initiated. DC said she has text him a few times with memes and pictures of their dad. I wanted to block her number but thought that might be heavy handed. I could ask DC how she got their number but don't know if I want to drag it all up with DC again.

Show quote history

I would ask how the numbers got swapped if DC asked can understand taht more tbh but if she asked it’s weird at this stage. It’s good you do t want to cause upset for ur kids that is right way if maybe ask XH instead. But definitely would want to know and set very clear boundaries with EH and say you expect him to make them clear to GF or any others taht pop up through time

LumpySpaceGoddess · 08/05/2023 20:45

@Nothingisblackandwhite but she isn’t their stepmom!? She is literally a stranger to them, she had only known their dad for 3 months and has met the children a handful of times.
No way would anyone in their right mind allow a stranger to take their kids out for a day, it’s completely inappropriate and extremely odd that she even suggested it.

Babycakes6 · 08/05/2023 20:46

Count yourself lucky, at least she is not posting on Mumsnet that your children eat too much of HER fruit, from HER fridge 😂😂

Original poster
Runningonjammiedodgers · 08/05/2023 20:47

lunar1 · 08/05/2023 20:40

I would block her number and delete the contact details from your children's phones. What she did is completely inappropriate.

What on earth did she think would happen, you'd just sit there while a random woman collected your children, while you had no idea she'd initiated plans!

I'm afraid there would be no future trust in this woman where my children were concerned.

I could hear the internal grown from ExH when I told him what had happened so fingers crossed she might be shit canned soon. If she is in my kids lives for a while to come I want to be on good terms with her. But I find her behaviour concerning and the first time I have ever spoke to her was an understandably difficult conversation so I think the idea of ever having any respect or faith in this woman is out the window.

Will try and probe to see exactly how the number swap went down. Also going to get hold of her number from DCs phone in case I ever need it.

OP posts:
Cazareeto1 · 08/05/2023 20:48

I completely agree with you, it just doesn’t sit right after such a short time. You are doing best in respecting/leaving him to get on with his life. But he as the other parent he should also respect his children and not just his ick. And he should anlso respect your wishes and boundaries when it comes to kids, you sound like you have been more than reasonable. He should make it clear to his GF this was not ok. I feel bad for you and DC it’s not fair that is their time with their dad and not some over bearing GF of their fathers who should know to give that space and time for his (and yours of course) children. He sounds like he has to grow up, sadly for kids sake nothing you can say to make him do that.
she sounds disrespectful tbh, as a mother herself it seems odd she would not see this herself as being too much way too soon especially not asking your permission (or even their fathers) it’s off to me.

Cazareeto1 · 08/05/2023 20:50

She has been the dads GF for 3 months hardly a comparison.. and on mums time directly contacting the 12 year old child she met a few times.. alarm bells much…

Clementinesucks · 08/05/2023 22:25

Contacting your boyfriends kids without letting your boyfriend know, and not on his custody days, is all kinds of weird.

BaconChops · 08/05/2023 22:38

Why are people so cynical? Contact x husband and ask his thoughts and accept this may be a nice gesture?

Annoyingwurringnoise · 08/05/2023 22:42

it might have been done with the best of intentions, you haven’t suggested anything that would make me think it’s anything other than that, but it’s really not appropriate at all.

bamboonights · 08/05/2023 22:43

OhmygodDont · 07/05/2023 19:46

At three months in they shouldn’t have even met, let alone her having their numbers and inviting them out behind both mothers and fathers back.

This.