Lunch guest. AIBU to feel hurt?

[Tabitha1960]

I'm a single lady in my sixties and have very few female friends so made a vow to make extra efforts to try to make some.

Having chatted to a local divorcee in her early 50s a few times, I initially knew her through her job and then from bumping into her now and again and stopping for a chat. As she seemed to like me and we have things in common, I invited her to my house for Sunday lunch. I asked her if roast lamb and all the trimmings would be OK and her eyes lit up, and she said something like, "oooh yummy, that would be lovely!" She lives about a mile away and chose to walk to mine arriving at 1pm.

As you can imagine I was rushed off my feet all morning not just preparing all the food from scratch but tidying and cleaning the kitchen-diner and making everything nice for her.

Lunch was ready when she arrived so I served up and everything went perfectly. It took us about half an hour to eat the meal at a leisurely pace, she was all smiles and compliments and we chatted a little in between bites, she telling me about her two grown up children and four grandchildren. She complimented the food and my house and seemed to really enjoy my company. That is why what happened came as such a shock. As I was clearing away the plates, at 1.40pm she received a text message on her phone. She read it and stood up, smiling, and saying cheerily, "Oh, that was my son, he's already on his way to pick me up. Thank you for a lovely lunch!" Then she picked up her bag and collected her jacket and walked out of my front door to wait for her son's car.

I pretended to be all breezy and smiley and perfectly happy with her departure, but I wasn't really. She was here for literally 40 minutes. When we agreed the date she didn't say she would have to squeeze me into a busy schedule. She made no mention of having anything else to do on that day. I felt gutted because I had assumed it was an "open-ended" lunch in which we'd have dessert, then coffees, then sit around chatting and having a laugh and getting to know one another for a couple of hours. I imagined she'd offer to help with the dishes (which I would of course have refused).

As I tackled the pile of washing up I felt really upset, and even shed a couple of silly tears. What she did felt rather rude and I felt "used". Three hours preparing for her visit, and another hour clearing up, for 40 minutes of her company!

Had it been some kind of emergency of course I would not mind but I don't understand why she told her son to come and collect her at 1.40pm when she knew I'd gone to the trouble of a roast and "all the trimmings."

Isn't there a saying or proverb about "eating and running?"

This was a few weeks ago. We have since interacted on Facebook with lighthearted and witty comments on each others' walls, but she has not asked to meet up again. I'm sad because I really like her and she seemed to like me a lot.

AIBU?

Yes, you are BU -- it only takes 40 minutes to eat lunch so she was right to arrange collection at 1.40pm.

No, you are not BU - she was very rude leaving so quickly

Honestly - I was a bit poked off when I invited friends to lunch (well in advance), went to a lot of trouble to cook a full meal and then they left at 3pm as they had work to do! Now, in that scenario I might have been a bit unreasonable- I knew the DH was very busy at work and they had turned up just after 12. But the overall principle is the same: we had given up a day for them and they hadn’t felt able to do the same. And when you host, you don’t get to call the shots about when the occasion ends, so you do have to commit the time. And when someone else is clearly “fitting you in”, it does feel a bit unbalanced and you’re left wondering why you bothered.

In your scenario, you’re clearly not being unreasonable. If you’d asked her for coffee, it would’ve been a pretty swift coffee, but hey ho. But to accept an invitation to lunch and then eat and run is really rude absent some very specific circumstances and an apology. I’d give her a swerve in future.

I think you are right, Saraclara. I could not see it at the time but I don't understand the process of making a new female friend (which is probably why I don't have many!)

On reflection I suppose I expected to start having the friendship straight away, spending a whole afternoon together as though we were already best mates. I feel rather lost in trying to work out what the rules of a "friendship courtship" are with women.

I note that quite a few respondents on here have called me "lonely". I didn't say that in my OP and I am not lonely. I am too busy to be lonely as I have a very absorbing and time-consuming job, plus I live in a houseshare with three others so there are always others about to chat to plus I have several really friends but they are all male. I find men very easy to get along with and very un-complicated.

It bothers me that I struggle to make friends with women; it makes me feel like a freak so I am making a special effort to make female friends.

She's divorced and early 50s. I highly doubt she's never been to anyone's house for lunch before. Unless she lives under a rock.

She was very rude and I would be upset too
She knew what cooking a roast meal would involve yet treated it like fast food!
Not someone I would want in my company again

No she has never messaged to say thank you. She has not sent me any DM at all, just made humorous, lighthearted or complimentary comments on my Facebook wall, and I have done the same back to her.

More like Jealousy that's why she couldn't stay.

Well unless she's never been invited anywhere ever, never been to a birthday party or a wedding, never read books, watched tv or been in a place of work, then there's really no excuse for not understanding social mores.

Very odd and very rude of her, Op. I haven't read the whole thread but if no one else has said it, try the meet ups website. Put in your local area. There will be lots going on that you can join.

It's extremely rude.
Next time you see her say hello great to see you, then say something like sorry I can't talk I'm in a rush, and keep it like that when ever you see her.

It's all adding up. Coming empty handed, leaving abruptly, no word of thanks - just rude. She's not your friend, you sound lovely and there are loads of decent people out there. Ditch this one.

I’d call her out on it I think.

Come over to mine I will be your friend. You sound lovely!

Why what is it about being 50 and married that means you have lunches in other people's houses?

The OP even says herself she's new to making friends.

Plenty of people don't understand social norms. And plenty of people don't follow them. So unless someone tells you "you must always bring a gift when going to lunch", you aren't automatically going to know to do that.

@Tabitha1960

You sound lovely! I would've enjoyed your roast lunch and brought flowers with me, and sent a warm thank you message for the delicious food.

She sounds a bit off

I think she was rude. She accepted your lunch invitation knowing she would be leaving as soon as she ate, so was just using you for free food. If she were genuine, I think she would have made the normal reciprocal invitation by now.

Based on the way she blew out of there right after getting her free lunch, I would suspect she's a user (in which case, you've dodged a bullet by finding out quickly). Or, she could be one of those people who are superficially charming and have a very busy social life, but have so many friends that they can never find time to make an effort for you. You only see them when YOU cater to them, ie. when you make the effort, cook the dinner, buy the concert tickets etc. And when they show up to these things, they are always charming but they hop right off afterward because their schedule is booked so solid. They are social butterflies. In their eyes, their presence in your life IS what they are giving you.

It kinda doesn't matter which of these two explanations it is. Either way, you are the one making the effort and spending your money and always feeling like an afterthought. Do you feel good about the social interaction you just had with her? If no, then there's no reason to repeat it.

You've learned something: first time with a new person, just coffee and a chat. See how it goes. That way you can also fit in more people to your schedule. Eventually you'll find a few people who are a "good match" for you.

I think Sunday lunch was a bit full on. I'd worry about Sunday lunch with an acquaintance. She probably arranged the pick up as a get out in case you ran out of conversation. She was rude not to have brought something or send a thank you though.

But you are (I assume) a woman — you’re not making friends with a different species! Would you invite, or have you previously invited, a male slight acquaintance over for Sunday lunch, and how did that go? Did he spend several hours chatting and help with the washing up?

And surely, if you struggle to make friends, then you recognise that not all new acquaintances will translate into friends, hence it being better to not invest too much time and emotional energy into each new ‘trial’ encounter?

Who knows? It sounds like either she's rude and just wanted a good feed today, or she felt uncomfortable and made an excuse to leave.

I don't know how I'd feel having lunch that seemed to be progressing to a whole afternoon one on one with a stranger, but then I wouldn't accept the invitation to lunch for that very reason.

I'm swinging towards her being rude and a bit of a taker. She could have suggested meeting for a coffee in a café to allow you to suss each other out if she was unsure about lunch in your home.

Firstly the OP says she has friends, just no female ones so thats not the case.

Secondly, by the time you get to your 50s you usually have some idea about how its polite to say thank you to people when they make you meals and bring a token gift. Partly this is because you have seen others do it, its shown on tv, in books, in the media, in movies, you would have had time to attend many social events by your 5th decade to observe how society works and this woman has a son so presumably, most people in bringing up their children would teach them about manners and saying thank you etc (or maybe not- maybe he is as rude as his mother). Its ridiculous to suggest that after 50 years of living on planet earth you would have zero understanding of how society works so unless the lady is neuro diverse most people would have picked up this up by their 5th decade

Sorry I haven’t read the entire thread, but

a) Why did her son need to pick her up, if she is local to you?

b) I think I’d be a bit nonplussed if someone I hardly knew invited me to lunch. I might say yes, out of politeness, then start wondering what the agenda was (I know yours was just to become friends, but usually the process is more…organic than your approach, as I know you’ve acknowledged).

c) Just to say, the U3A is a brilliant organisation with a wide range of interest groups and great for getting to know people. There are branches everywhere!

You are definitely not being unreasonable, it was very rude on her part. At least you will know never to invite her again.

So this person has had no life experiences that would indicate that? Must have been very sheltered. I have a brother with autism, he learns phrases and polite behaviour. He was once invited to a wedding and I explained what to do and how to behave. He wrote down all the tips on small index cards and kept them in his jacket. This woman must have quite serious problems.
Or is just rude

She was very rude, no question. Rude not to bring a gift (bottle of wine minimum, and preferably with flowers as well if someone cooks you a meal), and VERY rude to leave after just 40 minutes. Rude not to send a thank you too.

You sound lovely and she sounds graceless!
I have recently moved and am making some lovely new female friends. When I meet someone and think we may get along I suggest meeting in a cafe for tea/coffee, and we take it from there. I make sure I'm not the one issuing the invitation each time, and then if we hit it off we'll have more cafe meetings, then an invitation to come to my place (or theirs) for tea/coffee. This ensures that the new friendship is on equal terms, and has worked a treat so far.
Don't give up! Keep on being lovely and you will find some good friends!

@Thighlengthboots - exactly this