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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lunch guest. AIBU to feel hurt?

458 replies

Tabitha1960 · 07/05/2023 15:57

I'm a single lady in my sixties and have very few female friends so made a vow to make extra efforts to try to make some.

Having chatted to a local divorcee in her early 50s a few times, I initially knew her through her job and then from bumping into her now and again and stopping for a chat. As she seemed to like me and we have things in common, I invited her to my house for Sunday lunch. I asked her if roast lamb and all the trimmings would be OK and her eyes lit up, and she said something like, "oooh yummy, that would be lovely!" She lives about a mile away and chose to walk to mine arriving at 1pm.

As you can imagine I was rushed off my feet all morning not just preparing all the food from scratch but tidying and cleaning the kitchen-diner and making everything nice for her.

Lunch was ready when she arrived so I served up and everything went perfectly. It took us about half an hour to eat the meal at a leisurely pace, she was all smiles and compliments and we chatted a little in between bites, she telling me about her two grown up children and four grandchildren. She complimented the food and my house and seemed to really enjoy my company. That is why what happened came as such a shock. As I was clearing away the plates, at 1.40pm she received a text message on her phone. She read it and stood up, smiling, and saying cheerily, "Oh, that was my son, he's already on his way to pick me up. Thank you for a lovely lunch!" Then she picked up her bag and collected her jacket and walked out of my front door to wait for her son's car.

I pretended to be all breezy and smiley and perfectly happy with her departure, but I wasn't really. She was here for literally 40 minutes. When we agreed the date she didn't say she would have to squeeze me into a busy schedule. She made no mention of having anything else to do on that day. I felt gutted because I had assumed it was an "open-ended" lunch in which we'd have dessert, then coffees, then sit around chatting and having a laugh and getting to know one another for a couple of hours. I imagined she'd offer to help with the dishes (which I would of course have refused).

As I tackled the pile of washing up I felt really upset, and even shed a couple of silly tears. What she did felt rather rude and I felt "used". Three hours preparing for her visit, and another hour clearing up, for 40 minutes of her company!

Had it been some kind of emergency of course I would not mind but I don't understand why she told her son to come and collect her at 1.40pm when she knew I'd gone to the trouble of a roast and "all the trimmings."

Isn't there a saying or proverb about "eating and running?"

This was a few weeks ago. We have since interacted on Facebook with lighthearted and witty comments on each others' walls, but she has not asked to meet up again. I'm sad because I really like her and she seemed to like me a lot.

AIBU?

Yes, you are BU -- it only takes 40 minutes to eat lunch so she was right to arrange collection at 1.40pm.

No, you are not BU - she was very rude leaving so quickly

OP posts:
NotTerfNorCis · 07/05/2023 18:14

@Tabitha1960 I'm not going to read the whole thread so don't know if anyone else has suggested it, but have you thought about joining the Women's Institute? That's a great way to meet people. They do all kinds of events and you could even have a role on the committee.

Mooshamoo · 07/05/2023 18:15

This is why I don't like going to people's houses. People get way too offended at things.

Sometimes things are beyond your control.

I remember I arranged to meet a friend at her house. She made dinner for me. My train was delayed and I was coming from far away.

I was two hours late. It was totally beyond my control. The train was delayed. I texted her telling her this.

She told me that I had severely inconvenienced her, that she had prepared my dinner for hours, and she had to throw it in the bin. We had been friends for years, and we never spoke again after that. Which was sad.

I hate when someone makes dinner for me, as there is so much more pressure if things go wrong. They will say "well I spent hours making it".

After that day, I insist on meeting friends at cafes. I don't usually go to their houses. Too much expectation. Too much pressure.

skyeisthelimit · 07/05/2023 18:15

OP, YANBU, it is rude to eat and run immediately afterwards. If you are invited for Sunday Lunch it usually involves the afternoon.

If somebody said to me, I will have to leave straight after, I would say, well lets make it a different day then.

Maybe next time you meet someone, suggest coffee and cake and start things off with less pressure on yourself.

Original poster
Tabitha1960 · 07/05/2023 18:16

I now see what I did wrong.

I should have asked her round for a cuppa and a chat first.

I did not think it through. I'd bought a lamb joint and accompaniments and dessert, and when I spontaneously invited her I just thought, "Why not ask her to share the Sunday lunch." I am very busy with work and don't sit down and ruminate on what is the right or wrong thing to do.

Many thanks for all the replies. I appreciate your time.

OP posts:
Highfivemum · 07/05/2023 18:16

You sound lovely and I am so sorry this has happened to you. Trust me not everyone is like her , most , me included would love a friend to make such an effort for me. Carry on as normal and put it down to experience. Don’t change you. I for one would love a friend like you

HairyKitty · 07/05/2023 18:16

I imagine her sons invitation came after she received yours and was for whatever reason an invitation she couldn’t refuse. If he hasn’t been visiting she most probably would have stayed for the afternoon.
Also, though a little thoughtless, she may not have realised you were going to
special effort

Nanny0gg · 07/05/2023 18:16

LividHouse · 07/05/2023 16:04

You do sound quite intense, with a clear vision of how it “should” have gone.

It’s possible she found that stifling.

Oh come on!

In anyone's book that was very rude!

The OP wasn't a fast food joint - she was invited to lunch and that doesn't mean you eat and run

Nanny0gg · 07/05/2023 18:17

Tabitha1960 · 07/05/2023 18:16

I now see what I did wrong.

I should have asked her round for a cuppa and a chat first.

I did not think it through. I'd bought a lamb joint and accompaniments and dessert, and when I spontaneously invited her I just thought, "Why not ask her to share the Sunday lunch." I am very busy with work and don't sit down and ruminate on what is the right or wrong thing to do.

Many thanks for all the replies. I appreciate your time.

You didn't do anything wrong!

You invited her for lunch, She accepted.

She was rude

Mimosa08 · 07/05/2023 18:17

My mum does this
So - sadly - when she's coming I simply don't put much effort in anymore

Maireas · 07/05/2023 18:17

Of course she knew the OP had gone to an effort! She'd eaten a roast meal!

BadNomad · 07/05/2023 18:18

I think you are taking this too personally. There are many reasons why she might have left straight after lunch, not all of them make her a CF or user or not worthy of your time. If you like her and feel like you could become friends, then keep getting to know her. Don't write people off based on one experience.

WomanBitingATowel · 07/05/2023 18:18

Some of the responses accusing the guest of insane levels of rudeness and suggesting she’s a dreadful human being and a crap potential friend are funny, given that this is Mn, home to a disproportionate number of posters who are friendless, socially-awkward, never answer their doors, regard visitors, the school run and play dates with utter horror.

I wonder how some of them would have reacted if they’d shown up to a new acquaintance’s house to discover it was a one-on-one lunch for which the host had clearly gone to huge amounts of trouble, and which she visibly expected to last several hours. We obviously don’t know why this woman made such a quick exit (genuine emergency, sudden illness, menopausal heavy bleed she didn’t want to tell a new acquaintance about, something going on in her relationship with her son, any number of other things), but it’s interesting that virtually all commenters are identifying with the disappointed (but over-invested) host, rather than potential discomfort/social uneasiness in the guest which was possibly behind her abrupt exit.

gloriousmulch · 07/05/2023 18:18

Sounds like she lacks social skills / judgement - that was too early to leave. But perhaps because she doesn't know you well she arranged a 'get out' to make sure that her visit had a definite ending. I'd understand that, but 40 mins was daft.

Humanbiology · 07/05/2023 18:18

Maybe she can't cook and felt intimidated people like that will eat your food and then rubbish you after. It's called human nature.

Original poster
Tabitha1960 · 07/05/2023 18:20

Itchyfleet · 07/05/2023 16:12

Oh OP don’t listen to people saying you are intense or stifling or had odd expectations.

you offered a very kind invite which was accepted and you graciously went to a lot of effort to make it pleasant for your guest.

her departure sounds odd and rude and I wonder if she is a bit lacking in social graces. Did she bring a gift or contribution at all? Has she mentioned returning the invitation?

it sounds like any friendship with her will be on her terms which is brief and superficial.

you sound lovely - a wonderful hostess and kind friend. Don’t let it put you off- keep searching for groups and new friends and you will find someone more on your wavelength in time.

Thank you for your kind words,

No she came empty handed. And so far, she has not invited me to meet again.

OP posts:
Flyingwithoutwings78 · 07/05/2023 18:22

You sound like a lovely, kind person.

I wonder if she messaged her son whilst eating the meal.
Otherwise how would he have known what time to collect her/ what time you would be eating etc?

Either way I think she was rude, knowing how much effort you had gone to.
I would have been hurt too.

Maireas · 07/05/2023 18:22

Well, her coming empty handed just confirms it. You don't go to someone's house for a meal and not bring anything.

swayingpalmtree · 07/05/2023 18:22

We obviously don’t know why this woman made such a quick exit (genuine emergency, sudden illness, menopausal heavy bleed she didn’t want to tell a new acquaintance about, something going on in her relationship with her son, any number of other things), but it’s interesting that virtually all commenters are identifying with the disappointed (but over-invested) host, rather than potential discomfort/social uneasiness in the guest which was possibly behind her abrupt exit

I am peri menopausal and have sudden bleeds and I would have at least sent a text afterwards thanking the OP for the lovely meal and explaining I had a health issue going on which is why I rushed off (no need to go into gory details). I wouldnt have just eaten and ran with no follow up thank you or even a vague explanation. You can try to excuse it all you want but its still fcking rude and a decent person would have at least said sorry I had to rush off, but thank you for an amazing lunch.

Thighlengthboots · 07/05/2023 18:25

Maireas · 07/05/2023 18:22

Well, her coming empty handed just confirms it. You don't go to someone's house for a meal and not bring anything.

Exactly- this is building up a picture of her as generally lacking in manners. Who goes to someone's house for a roast dinner and doesnt even bring a token of thanks? geez

Stripedbag101 · 07/05/2023 18:27

Humanbiology · 07/05/2023 18:18

Maybe she can't cook and felt intimidated people like that will eat your food and then rubbish you after. It's called human nature.

😂 it’s not called human nature - it’s called bad manners.

ShowUs · 07/05/2023 18:27

How did she get to your home?

Could she have walked home if she wasn’t being picked up?

You’ve done nothing wrong and on the face of it she’s cheeky fucker but I wouldn’t be too quick to judge her just incase.

BadNomad · 07/05/2023 18:28

Who goes to someone's house for a roast dinner and doesnt even bring a token of thanks?

People who don't know that is a rule they are supposed to follow. People who were never taught that. People who are new to socialising. Etc.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 07/05/2023 18:29

Tabitha1960 · 07/05/2023 18:16

I now see what I did wrong.

I should have asked her round for a cuppa and a chat first.

I did not think it through. I'd bought a lamb joint and accompaniments and dessert, and when I spontaneously invited her I just thought, "Why not ask her to share the Sunday lunch." I am very busy with work and don't sit down and ruminate on what is the right or wrong thing to do.

Many thanks for all the replies. I appreciate your time.

I don’t think you did anything wrong! I’d be thrilled to be invited by a potential new friend for a Sunday roast, especially lamb in May!

The other woman sounds like a jerk to be honest.

VisionsOfSplendour · 07/05/2023 18:29

NewNovember · 07/05/2023 16:42

She probably just had to fit in with when her son was free.

And if that was the case what would be the reason not to have explained and apologised or warned in advance

Good try but still she's rude

WomanBitingATowel · 07/05/2023 18:29

swayingpalmtree · 07/05/2023 18:22

We obviously don’t know why this woman made such a quick exit (genuine emergency, sudden illness, menopausal heavy bleed she didn’t want to tell a new acquaintance about, something going on in her relationship with her son, any number of other things), but it’s interesting that virtually all commenters are identifying with the disappointed (but over-invested) host, rather than potential discomfort/social uneasiness in the guest which was possibly behind her abrupt exit

I am peri menopausal and have sudden bleeds and I would have at least sent a text afterwards thanking the OP for the lovely meal and explaining I had a health issue going on which is why I rushed off (no need to go into gory details). I wouldnt have just eaten and ran with no follow up thank you or even a vague explanation. You can try to excuse it all you want but its still fcking rude and a decent person would have at least said sorry I had to rush off, but thank you for an amazing lunch.

I’m not actually disagreeing with you. It absolutely does look rude for her to have left so abruptly after such a short period of time, in the absence of any other explanation. All I’m saying is that Mn, so quick to condemn the woman outright, is crammed full of people who either admit themselves that their awkward social behaviour appears rude and prevents them making or keeping friends, or who seem unable to handle the most minor social interaction without intense discomfort.