Lunch guest. AIBU to feel hurt?

[Tabitha1960]

I'm a single lady in my sixties and have very few female friends so made a vow to make extra efforts to try to make some.

Having chatted to a local divorcee in her early 50s a few times, I initially knew her through her job and then from bumping into her now and again and stopping for a chat. As she seemed to like me and we have things in common, I invited her to my house for Sunday lunch. I asked her if roast lamb and all the trimmings would be OK and her eyes lit up, and she said something like, "oooh yummy, that would be lovely!" She lives about a mile away and chose to walk to mine arriving at 1pm.

As you can imagine I was rushed off my feet all morning not just preparing all the food from scratch but tidying and cleaning the kitchen-diner and making everything nice for her.

Lunch was ready when she arrived so I served up and everything went perfectly. It took us about half an hour to eat the meal at a leisurely pace, she was all smiles and compliments and we chatted a little in between bites, she telling me about her two grown up children and four grandchildren. She complimented the food and my house and seemed to really enjoy my company. That is why what happened came as such a shock. As I was clearing away the plates, at 1.40pm she received a text message on her phone. She read it and stood up, smiling, and saying cheerily, "Oh, that was my son, he's already on his way to pick me up. Thank you for a lovely lunch!" Then she picked up her bag and collected her jacket and walked out of my front door to wait for her son's car.

I pretended to be all breezy and smiley and perfectly happy with her departure, but I wasn't really. She was here for literally 40 minutes. When we agreed the date she didn't say she would have to squeeze me into a busy schedule. She made no mention of having anything else to do on that day. I felt gutted because I had assumed it was an "open-ended" lunch in which we'd have dessert, then coffees, then sit around chatting and having a laugh and getting to know one another for a couple of hours. I imagined she'd offer to help with the dishes (which I would of course have refused).

As I tackled the pile of washing up I felt really upset, and even shed a couple of silly tears. What she did felt rather rude and I felt "used". Three hours preparing for her visit, and another hour clearing up, for 40 minutes of her company!

Had it been some kind of emergency of course I would not mind but I don't understand why she told her son to come and collect her at 1.40pm when she knew I'd gone to the trouble of a roast and "all the trimmings."

Isn't there a saying or proverb about "eating and running?"

This was a few weeks ago. We have since interacted on Facebook with lighthearted and witty comments on each others' walls, but she has not asked to meet up again. I'm sad because I really like her and she seemed to like me a lot.

AIBU?

Yes, you are BU -- it only takes 40 minutes to eat lunch so she was right to arrange collection at 1.40pm.

No, you are not BU - she was very rude leaving so quickly

The gift on its own I could agree with but when you add this to her leaving after 40 mins plus not even texting thanks etc this shows a pattern and the simplest explanation is usually correct: she's just rude and not very pleasant.

It's so interesting that you should say that, because some of the responses have made me start thinking, "blimey, it's just like dating, you have take things step by step and do the appropriate thing at the appropriate time."

I now see that, in my desperation to get a female friend I thought we could just jump straight into being mates who could spend hours together.

A male friend is coming to see me tomorrow, likely for the whole afternoon, and I am therefore reminded of how we became mates. It was a work thing. We were complete strangers, thrown together in a work setting for a whole 8 hours. There was almost nothing to do but chat to each other the whole day. We kept in touch and have met up a dozen times since (over 10 years), and because we live 50 miles apart when he visits he always spends the whole day here.

I think this is the kind of experience that has (mis)led me to think that this is an appropriate way to make a new friend. Clearly it is not and I am going to have to work harder at learning how to start things off properly so I don't put other women off.

I’m sorry if this comes across as upsetting but I’m finding all of it quite - intense. Not necessarily what you did - although I wasn’t there - but more what your thought process/headspace is saying and musing. This “need” to have a female friendship, having “friendship” as the goal post - setting out with the explicit intention that a friendship/significant social and reciprocal relationship is to result from your interactions with X - this stuff you see is quite - intense to me.

I am 38. I have a very busy working life with a full on career, lovely colleagues who I meet socially frequently - as often as I can - given that I also have a 7 year old and 3 year old. At their various activities I also meet fellow parents - with whom we do couple meals out, lunches, occasional drinks.

But - are these “friendships” or rather “friendships” which were established with such an explicit intention to make friendships establish? No. These are people I have chanced upon - through work or kids - and we rub along fine - and peace all around.

I think this need/desire to establish friendships - and this becoming a goal post is possibly going to hinder you. I’d quit thinking of friendships and these goals of setting up friendships and just get on with life, work, hobbies etc.

Rude. Has she actually said she doesn't want to meet up again?

Oh dear, OP - you're not a freak. Women are really not more complicated than men. We are just as diverse a group! You must get on ok with your house mates?.

This.

so unless the lady is neuro diverse most people would have picked up this up by their 5th decade

Exactly. You don't know that she isn't ND. Plenty of people are, and plenty of them don't realise they are, so all this "everyone knows x,y and z" is incorrect. Because plenty of people don't know this stuff. Plenty of people can watch shows and read books and still not know this stuff. Plenty of people don't socialise. Even 50-year-olds with ex-husbands and children. Plenty of people go to lunches empty-handed without knowing it's "wrong" according to some people because no one has ever said anything to them. And there are plenty of people who don't expect their guests to bring a gift.

You just need to look at MN to see the number of people who do things other people think is rude because they don't realise other people think it is rude. People have their own rules about things and just assume everyone else has the same. Who pays for dinner on a date? If a guest brings you wine, do you open it? Is it ok to bring your other not-invited child to a birthday party at softplay if you pay for them yourself? There are many "rules" out there that people don't know, don't follow, or don't even agree on.

@SittingNextToIt - you're in a totally different life phase to the OP and her 'friend'. In 20 years' time, you may find yourself in the same position.

Usual victim blaming going on here I see 🙄. OP she was extremely rude. A 40 minute slot for a coffee would be a bit rushed but for a meal that she knew you were making that takes ages to prepare and costs a fair bit is disgusting behaviour. I'm not surprised you were upset. You're worth far more than that kind of treatment. But it's definitely her issue not yours so try not to take it personally 💐

She was rude but likewise a full sit down lunch is a bit much for someone you barely know. What she should've done was suggest an alternative rather than let you go through so much effort.

I think the son might have been an excuse/get out of jail free card. Any normal person with legitimate plans would've said I'm pressed for time on Saturday, but could swing by for a brew. My son's picking me up at ###.

It is, by the way, perfectly possible to be both extremely busy and lonely. Next time go out for coffee and cake. Obviously not with this rude mare though.

Did she thank you after?

No, she didn't.

Sorry I missed that response, thanks.

OP if she found a lunch invite too much etc, she could have refused. Her eyes lit up at the idea of roast lamb and she came and had a feast. If she was so freaked out by the lunch offer she could have refused and suggested coffee instead.

Yes, your brother learned them. But if he wasn't taught them, he would have to first realise he doesn't know what he doesn't know to then be able to learn what he needs to know.

If no one tells you you are supposed to bring a gift. And you don't know you are supposed to bring a gift. How do you learn you are supposed to bring a gift? 🙃

A lot of autistic people only realise this stuff when someone criticises them for doing shit wrong.

Definitely a user, the eyes lighting up at the mention of the free lunch was the clue. Loads of people like this around unfortunately, which is another reason why you don't invest anymore than they do at the beginning.

It sounds like you went to a lot of effort to provide a nice lunch for someone you barely know and she appreciated your hospitality by making the right noises whilst she was with you but spoilt it by leaving so quickly. It was a lovely thing to do for a new friend. You are not being unreasonable to be upset or to have expected her to stick around for a bit longer. She was very rude to leave in the manner she did. She may not feel the same about your friendship as you. I would not expect her to reciprocate I'm afraid.

I'm guessing we'll never find out why she dashed off but agree with a PP - could she have completely misinterpreted this as a date?

The issue here, OP, isn't that either of you are unreasonable. It's the word 'assumed' in your post.

You've assumed one thing: that she'd stay for a few hours and chat etc. Maybe she has assumed the opposite, that you've invited her round for lunch but no extended socialising is planned. Maybe she struggles with extended social interaction and was trying to avoid being rude by outstaying her welcome. You'll never really know but the issue is that you didn't communicate your expectations.

Neither of you are unreasonable on the face of it but you are unreasonable for having a fixed idea of how an event should pan out without communicating this to the other person.

Whenever I host (rarely!) I tell people to arrive no earlier than 5pm and to leave by no later than half 9pm because I know that's my social limit. I set expectations from the start so no one feels short changed. I would recommend maybe doing something similar or making sure you're both on the same page next time.

I hope you're OK. X

Thanks for the additional input, and I hope I have now replied to all the questions.

I don't get the feeling there is anything wrong with her like autism or anything like that. She's raised two children and is an utterly devoted granny.

She did not send a text. Her phone was in her bag on the floor, it bleeped and she got it out and read the text from her son. She had not told me that he was collecting her. She is slim and fit and a mile walk is nothing to her. There's a direct bus, as well.

I feel far too shy and embarrassed and hurt about what happened to actually ask her. I'm scared she might say she just doesn't like me. I'd rather not hear that!

And to the person who asked, no, I don't have a dishwasher, and she must know that as she could see the whole kitchen from where she was sitting.

I prefer inviting people round to my house because I'm mobility-disabled and find it awkward to use cafes and pubs with my chair. But I will make it just for a cuppa and a chat in future, then if they stay only 40 minutes it won't seem so inappropriate and there won't be so much washing up!

Ignore all the PP having a go at you - Mumsnet never fails to amaze me with the oddness of posts. You sound very thoughtful and generous. The silver lining is that you won’t waste more time and effort on her - she is either dense, thoughtless or a user of people. It is entirely normal when invited for Sunday lunch to stay all afternoon: chatting, eating, cleaning up. Forty minutes is bizarre. She treated you like a restaurant. She won’t invite you back but not for reasons to do with you, she lacks the positive qualities you possess.

LOL no, neither of us is a lesbian and the first two times she met me I was with my boyfriend, and introduced him as such.

I'd genuinely be more inclined to think she was ND because of the fact there are a number of things she hasn't done "correctly" according to society. The invitation for lunch was taken literally. Not offering to do dishes because she's in someone else's house. Not texting thank you because she already said thank you in person. I don't think it is fair to say she is not very pleasant. The OP clearly liked her enough to want to get to know her better.

And to the people trying to justify her dashing off... if someone invites you for a roast, you don't expect to bugger off in less than an hour. It's not Nandos. I'd expect a lunch "date" to last 2-3 hours.

No, our Mum and Dad and his teachers taught him. Mum said, you're going to a party, take a gift. He's learnt from books, tv, the workplace. When he's not sure, he asks. That's because he's ND and not mean.

@aloris said " ..... They are social butterflies. In their eyes, their presence in your life IS what they are giving you. ...."

Absolutely this. I was beguiled by a new friend years ago, she was so popular, amusing and glamorous.

My mother, extremely unusually for her, took an instant visceral dislike to her.

My (then) husband warned me about her. He said 'She's everyone's pal, but no-one's friend, be careful around her.'

It took me a couple of years to admit both my mother and my (then) husband were right and to stop being one of her pals.