Lunch guest. AIBU to feel hurt?

[Tabitha1960]

I'm a single lady in my sixties and have very few female friends so made a vow to make extra efforts to try to make some.

Having chatted to a local divorcee in her early 50s a few times, I initially knew her through her job and then from bumping into her now and again and stopping for a chat. As she seemed to like me and we have things in common, I invited her to my house for Sunday lunch. I asked her if roast lamb and all the trimmings would be OK and her eyes lit up, and she said something like, "oooh yummy, that would be lovely!" She lives about a mile away and chose to walk to mine arriving at 1pm.

As you can imagine I was rushed off my feet all morning not just preparing all the food from scratch but tidying and cleaning the kitchen-diner and making everything nice for her.

Lunch was ready when she arrived so I served up and everything went perfectly. It took us about half an hour to eat the meal at a leisurely pace, she was all smiles and compliments and we chatted a little in between bites, she telling me about her two grown up children and four grandchildren. She complimented the food and my house and seemed to really enjoy my company. That is why what happened came as such a shock. As I was clearing away the plates, at 1.40pm she received a text message on her phone. She read it and stood up, smiling, and saying cheerily, "Oh, that was my son, he's already on his way to pick me up. Thank you for a lovely lunch!" Then she picked up her bag and collected her jacket and walked out of my front door to wait for her son's car.

I pretended to be all breezy and smiley and perfectly happy with her departure, but I wasn't really. She was here for literally 40 minutes. When we agreed the date she didn't say she would have to squeeze me into a busy schedule. She made no mention of having anything else to do on that day. I felt gutted because I had assumed it was an "open-ended" lunch in which we'd have dessert, then coffees, then sit around chatting and having a laugh and getting to know one another for a couple of hours. I imagined she'd offer to help with the dishes (which I would of course have refused).

As I tackled the pile of washing up I felt really upset, and even shed a couple of silly tears. What she did felt rather rude and I felt "used". Three hours preparing for her visit, and another hour clearing up, for 40 minutes of her company!

Had it been some kind of emergency of course I would not mind but I don't understand why she told her son to come and collect her at 1.40pm when she knew I'd gone to the trouble of a roast and "all the trimmings."

Isn't there a saying or proverb about "eating and running?"

This was a few weeks ago. We have since interacted on Facebook with lighthearted and witty comments on each others' walls, but she has not asked to meet up again. I'm sad because I really like her and she seemed to like me a lot.

AIBU?

Yes, you are BU -- it only takes 40 minutes to eat lunch so she was right to arrange collection at 1.40pm.

No, you are not BU - she was very rude leaving so quickly

I'm so sorry OP that sounds weird if her and I really don't think your idea of how lunch would go is intense or stifling, it sounds quite normal in my book.
Just a thought, did she actually know it would be just you and her or had she assumed there would be a group of people? If she thought it was a group invite then discovered it was just the two of you and you didn't know each other that well could she have felt uncomfortable or even wondered if you thought it was a date? You never know what goes on in people's heads.

Shame on her.

Don't proceed with the friendship, you're worlds apart and she's an extremely ignorant woman.

(Much like some of the ignorant posters on here who haven't got a clue about basic manners and etiquette).

Hope you're okay 💐💐💐

That was incredibly rude of her!
We all know how much effort goes into a roast dinner, your wouldn't scarf and run without acknowledging ask the effort, express regret at the necessity to leave so soon and suggest a reciprocal to soften the blow.

If a roast was too weighty an invitation for a new acquaintance in her mind, she should have declined and said let's do coffee first (insert sensible polite reason).

She didn't, she just leapt at the chance to take without any care or thought for your experience as the host.

I had a guest do that to me once. I binned them off because I don't keep friends who are thoughtless or inconsiderate, no matter how pleasantly chatty they are.

Fade her out op and seek friends who are interested in a balanced dynamic.

Job all the clubs and socials you can and just keep the door of opportunity open, something good will happen. This woman is shallow.

I agree.
I’m sorry op, but for whatever reason she felt extremely uncomfortable & wanted to leave asap.
I wouldn’t bother with her again.

SeatonCarew
This is so odd, including going outside to wait for him, that I'm wondering if something embarrassing had happened and she'd solicited/ created a signal somehow. Eg, she'd had an accident and her Tena pad started leaking?

I agree, this is very odd behaviour. I think there was more at play.
Did you actually hear the text on her phone? Perhaps she felt like she was going to need the toilet urgently (diarrhoea?). Maybe she suffers anxiety attacks and was feeling panicky? Perhaps she has social anxiety and covers it well, but becomes overwhelmed out of the blue?
Maybe she has autism/adhd and doesn’t understand social situations?
This sounds too strange to just be rudeness.

It was fucking rude. Move on from her, OP she sounds difficult. I had a 'friend' like this, always inviting me somewhere or accepting invites and then telling me once I turned up that she only had 45 minutes allocated to me or surprise! She had invited other people I didn't know because she hadn't seen them in a while and she wanted to catch up. Always making out she was soooo busy. Well, so am I, but I make time for friends. Not her, though, I am sick of the silly games and feeling like a chore she has scheduled. Don't let this make you give up on finding friends - they are just very hard to come by. x

YANBU, even in the past if I’ve been nervous about socialising with new people there is no way I would leave so quickly and have a pick up arrangement. I would look elsewhere because you sound lovely and this woman doesn’t deserve your friendship

Could it be she had to fit in with her sons plans for a lift home?

Sounds like that advert "Slam in the lamb" and all that.

I voted YANBU by the way.

Invite me. I love lamb and will bring a nice bottle or two of Château Grand-Puy-Lacoste 2016. The most perfect pairing with lamb. It even has mint on the nose. We could tarry a while and watch the grass grow in the May sunshine.

I'm with @BadgerFacedCoo on this. For whatever reason she sent the 'come and get me' text. I had this with a friend at a little do I had at my house once. Stayed half an hour. Picked at her food. Went to the toilet then miraculously received a phone call. 'What your car won't start?' 'What you want a lift?' 'Oh I'd better come now then!' I thought Good Grief woman do you think I was born yesterday?! The friendship fizzled out very soon after that. I think you've been very unlucky with this woman. Keep trying!

As you’ve described it, she does sound rude. But you also sound quite intense and perhaps she felt she needed a ‘get out’ set up in advance.

I was thinking this too, but - she would say, wouldn't she? I'm really sorry I've got to go now as it's the only time he can come and get me? No. I think she was being rude. You deserve better, OP. Don't let her put you off. Find other people who are nice and suggest a walk/coffee.

OP try not to think about it anymore. The woman may have left for any number of reasons, rudeness, IBS, genuinely had an emergency.

That sounds like a lovely wine and food combo.
Salivating now

She only lives a mile away. She could have walked.

If she had other commitments that day she should not have accepted the invitation to Sunday lunch in the first place.

Surely everyone expects Sunday lunch to account for most of the afternoon? Accepting the invitation and then trying to squeeze the meal in as a quickie between other things she wanted to do is just plain rude.

I agree with a PP that this woman sounds like she doesn't have many social graces and doesn't realise what is normally done on these occasions.

At least you know what the friendship is worth now.

I once paid for lunch for a 'friend' - she never paid me back. That told me everything I needed to know.

What? Of course people have other commitments on a sunday. I was around someones house for Sunday lunch today.

They also had another guest over for lunch. He had to leave right after the lunch as he had to pick up his teenage daughter from a football match.

People's lives don't stop on Sunday.

Aw I’m sorry OP. That’s really sad. ❤️

OP I may have missed it. Did she send a sincere thank you message after the lunch? Any reference at all to having dashed off? If she hadn’t thanked you properly then she really is a user.

Cheeky woman, fitting you to her program and then going off with her son. When I have lunch with a friend it undoubtedly lasts for three hours. I’d love you come to yours but you must come here first.

If my lunch guest had to dash off for other commitments, then I would expect them to let me know in advance.

We had guests over for afternoon tea last week. One friend had theatre tickets and said she would love to come but would have to leave at 1730. She told us in advance. Absolutely fine and not rude.

Suddenly getting up and leaving lunch at someone’s house after under an hour is rude. I have had longer lunches in prêt.

Sorry OP - some people can just behave in unexpected ways, if I was invited somewhere for Sunday lunch I'd expect to be around a few hours so I think your expectations were realistic. It's hard to make that first move and invite someone maybe some sense will come of it when she gets in touch again

I do think she was rude but I can think of explanations, although I don't think those make up for it.

My DH would behave like this. He's almost certainly autistic. He would interpret an invitation for lunch as literally turning up at start of meal, eating it (in the manner of someone refuelling car!), then leaving as soon as it's over. He is always very puzzled if we have friends over for lunch and they're still there at 3pm as he can't work out what they're doing (I have managed to teach him not to say anything though!).

The txt from the son sounds like a get out for her? Could there be something else going on? Eg I had IBS years ago and avoided going for meals at people's houses due to the uncertainty over what food would be offered, proximity to toilets etc. It used to make me so anxious I'd have panic attacks. Especially if I knew someone had gone to loads of trouble.

In your scenario though, if it had been me, I'd have declined the meal but suggested meeting for a coffee somewhere, then ordered a peppermint tea and something safe to eat. So I do think she was rude.

Poor you, this sounds like a lovely afternoon ruined by someone who isn’t worth you.
try and forget about her and find someone who is on the same wave length as you.