Lunch guest. AIBU to feel hurt?

[Tabitha1960]

I'm a single lady in my sixties and have very few female friends so made a vow to make extra efforts to try to make some.

Having chatted to a local divorcee in her early 50s a few times, I initially knew her through her job and then from bumping into her now and again and stopping for a chat. As she seemed to like me and we have things in common, I invited her to my house for Sunday lunch. I asked her if roast lamb and all the trimmings would be OK and her eyes lit up, and she said something like, "oooh yummy, that would be lovely!" She lives about a mile away and chose to walk to mine arriving at 1pm.

As you can imagine I was rushed off my feet all morning not just preparing all the food from scratch but tidying and cleaning the kitchen-diner and making everything nice for her.

Lunch was ready when she arrived so I served up and everything went perfectly. It took us about half an hour to eat the meal at a leisurely pace, she was all smiles and compliments and we chatted a little in between bites, she telling me about her two grown up children and four grandchildren. She complimented the food and my house and seemed to really enjoy my company. That is why what happened came as such a shock. As I was clearing away the plates, at 1.40pm she received a text message on her phone. She read it and stood up, smiling, and saying cheerily, "Oh, that was my son, he's already on his way to pick me up. Thank you for a lovely lunch!" Then she picked up her bag and collected her jacket and walked out of my front door to wait for her son's car.

I pretended to be all breezy and smiley and perfectly happy with her departure, but I wasn't really. She was here for literally 40 minutes. When we agreed the date she didn't say she would have to squeeze me into a busy schedule. She made no mention of having anything else to do on that day. I felt gutted because I had assumed it was an "open-ended" lunch in which we'd have dessert, then coffees, then sit around chatting and having a laugh and getting to know one another for a couple of hours. I imagined she'd offer to help with the dishes (which I would of course have refused).

As I tackled the pile of washing up I felt really upset, and even shed a couple of silly tears. What she did felt rather rude and I felt "used". Three hours preparing for her visit, and another hour clearing up, for 40 minutes of her company!

Had it been some kind of emergency of course I would not mind but I don't understand why she told her son to come and collect her at 1.40pm when she knew I'd gone to the trouble of a roast and "all the trimmings."

Isn't there a saying or proverb about "eating and running?"

This was a few weeks ago. We have since interacted on Facebook with lighthearted and witty comments on each others' walls, but she has not asked to meet up again. I'm sad because I really like her and she seemed to like me a lot.

AIBU?

Yes, you are BU -- it only takes 40 minutes to eat lunch so she was right to arrange collection at 1.40pm.

No, you are not BU - she was very rude leaving so quickly

If it's exactly as you have narrated, it's rude and odd.

But I do wonder if there was a misunderstanding. Maybe she either told you she had something else on and couldn't stay long, something with her son or grandchildren, and you didn't hear or didn't quite understand, or maybe she thought she had told you something and had not.

Having said that, it's also really rude of her not to bring anything or at least ask if she could, and not to text afterwards to thank you.

So, on balance, I'm going with she was rude.

She sounds extremely rude. I am so sorry..
And I doubt she suddenly thought it was a date. I have never invited a friend for dinner and had her think it was romantic because I date women. We aren't out here trying to trick the straight people with a roast dinner.

Why can't people read the full thread? Just the OP's posts would do?!

'Friend' did not think it was a date, she has met OP's partner/boyfriend.

A roast is hardly OTT given thats exactly what she was invited for, as in 'would you like to come over for a sunday roast'. It is not as if OP invited friend for a quick lunch, sandwich and soup, massive salad and fancy pate.. and THEN served up a huge roast - the roast was the event!

OP I think you can chalk this down to a 'her' problem, not a 'you' problem - not that it will feel any better in the moment. Horribly rude and as I said earlier, not remotely unreasonable or over sensitive for you to have been upset by her swift exit.

why would OP have said this at lunch? She has said this on an anonymous forum in response to suggestions the guest may have behaved rudely because she is ND.

why on earth would you assume OP would have said this to her. Is a really odd leap to make.

What a mean and unfair remark!

OP you don’t sound at all intense. She was very rude, of course nobody wants to outstay their welcome but if I were invited for a roast lamb lunch, I would be expecting to be there for at least a couple of hours. IIf I was invited to pop over for a cup of tea and a biscuit, then forty minutes might be about right.

You mentioned that you live in a house share. Were other people around while this woman was there?

I'm assuming it's the "anything wrong with her" wording that's being picked up on here.

Please do not make any more effort with this person, OP.

I strongly suspect you won't hear from her again, but just in case she isn't the cheeky rude user that she comes across as, she OWES you BIG and it's 100% up to her to make the next contact.

So agree with this.

Nice decent people behave just as they are.

Rude, entitled, uncouth people tend to leak their character, even if they have other positives.

Eating a meal and leaving is very rude and despite those who love to blame an OP, those who are nice decent people in their lives, wouldn't dream of behaving like this.

I wouldn't waste any further energy on her OP.

Don't be put off.

I can imagine you felt hurt

But you ASSUMED
And you shouldnt have

But!!!
You sounds lovely and amazing
And she said she LOVED it

So take that
Take those good bits out of the experience

Dont let it set you back
Let it encourage you to be more social.
And next time cook less
or the same amount if YOU love cooking
Or maybe be a bit more elaborate asking if she wants to come over for a couple of hours to have tea. Or whatever

But yeah dont let this discourage you op

You.
Are.
Awesome

@billy1966

Nice decent people behave just as they are.

Rude, entitled, uncouth people tend to leak their character, even if they have other positives.

I love this. So well put.

@Stripedbag101 Thanks for your post it’s made me laugh so much.

I can never understand all the gaslighting replies to OPs like this, but you nailed the heights of ludicrousness reached trying to minimise, excuse, or victim blame blatantly rude and abrasive behaviour that has hurt someone.

Needed the laugh because these threads remind me of how it goes with my mother - me: this happened and I feel upset, her: oh well maybe they this, or they probably didn’t mean it etc etc

*How it used to go with my mother, she’s no longer with us

Nice decent people behave just as they are

Rude, entitled, uncouth people tend to leak their character, even if they have other positives

YES! this is so very true. I dont know why people are so keen to always justify poor behaviour with clinical diagnoses. We have all met people in life who are simply just rude arseholes. They dont all have MH issues or are ND, many people are simply just selfish and dont care about others feelings. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and there really is no deeper meaning to it. Some people are just rude and uncaring and there is no underlying reason other than that is just their personality.

She prearranged her son to pick her up after 40 minutes
She didn't bring a gift
She left abruptly
She hasn't thanked you for your hospitality
Just one of those would be rude but 4 things ?????
You have had a lucky escape @Tabitha1960 , who'd want to be friends with someone like that ?
Fuck her

⬆️ Yep!!!

Can’t see how anyone could argue with this!

sums it up really well

Some people are falling over themselves to make excuses for this woman but at the end of the day there are none - she was just RUDE

I returned to this thread as I was interested to see the progress. I see you have reflected and concluded that and invite to a full on Sunday lunch was probably a bit much.
What sort of relationships do you have with your housemates? Are you ND(diagnosed or suspected)? Maybe your housemates could give you some pointers. Look at this as a project. Don't just think about the logistics of your 'mate date' but consider how you might come across. I've had interactions with people in supermarket queues, toilets, nightclubs and bed. The vibe was the most important part. How do women feel around you? Ask your housemates for feedback about you, and use that data to your advantage.
Remember though there's a balance between modifying/planning things to appeal to others yet remaining your true authentic self. No point cultivating a friendship if it's not with you.
Best of luck.

Rude, ill mannered, cheeky, mannerless, ungrateful CF. There is NO excuses under the sun for this.

I could not disagree with you any more, JudgeRudy!

This is NOT about you, OP. No need for any self-reflection or how you come across. This was ALL on your rude, cheeky guest. She was 100% in the wrong.

As a previous poster said, "fuck her".

As a slight side issue, I am a bit surprised by how a roast dinner is perceived by many on here. To me it’s just a meal I bang out, bit more prep and timing than something one pot, but nothing particularly special. I think most of my friends think similarly - going for a roast dinner is usually a fairly relaxed experience.

I know OP said for her it had involved a lot of prep, so not quite the same, but the idea that a roast dinner is innately a big deal to invite someone to is not one I recognise, or that it would feel inappropriate for a first invitation. I would be surprised if OP had laboured the point to her guest about the work she’d done in advance though, and as she said herself, there was no ‘urgent exit now’ text sent, so clearly it wasn’t the case that she developed concerns during the meal.

Exactly.

Only on MN do people bend themselves out of shape when it comes to RUDENESS, to blame the other person.

There's always some acronym they dredge up why.🙄

Nope.

In real life, they are just rude arseholes.

Nothing complicated, just exactly that.

To be avoided.

That is so rude I can scarcely believe it. She wouldn't be wasting any more of my time that's for sure.
I spent two days preparing a lovely lunch for three friends and they never even turned up!! Their phones were off. It was a very firm arrangement and we had all agreed a time and date. I didn't bother with them after that.

@JudgeRudy

op has done nothing wrong
she Is not the socially inept one here

Well wrong is a strong word, but even OP has reflected and agreed that maybe a Sunday roast was a bit much for a first meeting.
I think the guest was a bit rude but I suspect she felt a bit uncomfortable and chose to remove herself from the situation to salvage things.

maybe a Sunday roast was a bit much for a first meeting
Why? The invitation was literally "come to lunch". What's so bizarre about that? The rude one clearly didn't see anything off about it or she'd have declined.