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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lunch guest. AIBU to feel hurt?

458 replies

Tabitha1960 · 07/05/2023 15:57

I'm a single lady in my sixties and have very few female friends so made a vow to make extra efforts to try to make some.

Having chatted to a local divorcee in her early 50s a few times, I initially knew her through her job and then from bumping into her now and again and stopping for a chat. As she seemed to like me and we have things in common, I invited her to my house for Sunday lunch. I asked her if roast lamb and all the trimmings would be OK and her eyes lit up, and she said something like, "oooh yummy, that would be lovely!" She lives about a mile away and chose to walk to mine arriving at 1pm.

As you can imagine I was rushed off my feet all morning not just preparing all the food from scratch but tidying and cleaning the kitchen-diner and making everything nice for her.

Lunch was ready when she arrived so I served up and everything went perfectly. It took us about half an hour to eat the meal at a leisurely pace, she was all smiles and compliments and we chatted a little in between bites, she telling me about her two grown up children and four grandchildren. She complimented the food and my house and seemed to really enjoy my company. That is why what happened came as such a shock. As I was clearing away the plates, at 1.40pm she received a text message on her phone. She read it and stood up, smiling, and saying cheerily, "Oh, that was my son, he's already on his way to pick me up. Thank you for a lovely lunch!" Then she picked up her bag and collected her jacket and walked out of my front door to wait for her son's car.

I pretended to be all breezy and smiley and perfectly happy with her departure, but I wasn't really. She was here for literally 40 minutes. When we agreed the date she didn't say she would have to squeeze me into a busy schedule. She made no mention of having anything else to do on that day. I felt gutted because I had assumed it was an "open-ended" lunch in which we'd have dessert, then coffees, then sit around chatting and having a laugh and getting to know one another for a couple of hours. I imagined she'd offer to help with the dishes (which I would of course have refused).

As I tackled the pile of washing up I felt really upset, and even shed a couple of silly tears. What she did felt rather rude and I felt "used". Three hours preparing for her visit, and another hour clearing up, for 40 minutes of her company!

Had it been some kind of emergency of course I would not mind but I don't understand why she told her son to come and collect her at 1.40pm when she knew I'd gone to the trouble of a roast and "all the trimmings."

Isn't there a saying or proverb about "eating and running?"

This was a few weeks ago. We have since interacted on Facebook with lighthearted and witty comments on each others' walls, but she has not asked to meet up again. I'm sad because I really like her and she seemed to like me a lot.

AIBU?

Yes, you are BU -- it only takes 40 minutes to eat lunch so she was right to arrange collection at 1.40pm.

No, you are not BU - she was very rude leaving so quickly

OP posts:
cheekyffer · 07/05/2023 20:04

Please don't feel too hurt. It may be she does not see her son often/he is difficult and she went along with his plans.

Riverlee · 07/05/2023 20:09

I think she was rude. You made it clear that you were inviting her for Sunday lunch, and if I was invited for 1pm, I would expect to be at that persons until at least 3pm. I wouldn’t necessarily expect to be there all afternoon, but I wouldn’t disappear after half an hour! You may not have served and eaten the food in that time!

i don’t think you did anything wrong.

Maireas · 07/05/2023 20:16

cheekyffer · 07/05/2023 20:04

Please don't feel too hurt. It may be she does not see her son often/he is difficult and she went along with his plans.

Still rude. Also doesn't explain why she turned up empty handed and never said thank you.

Katherine1985 · 07/05/2023 20:18

LividHouse · 07/05/2023 16:04

You do sound quite intense, with a clear vision of how it “should” have gone.

It’s possible she found that stifling.

It didn’t sound intense to me at all OP, fairly normal relaxed lunch, dessert, and coffees. I don’t think the problem is you, although as others said, maybe meeting for coffee or something, not at your home, puts less pressure on you.

Honestly, however nice she was to chat to, a lot of people can’t cope for long outside their family bubble, work, transactional convos etc, but you wouldn’t know that from just chatting in passing. I mean the son didn’t just decide to drive over, she arranged that - pretty sad - but it’s not on you, so please don’t let it put you off

Katherine1985 · 07/05/2023 20:20

It was just so abrupt too. If my son was picking me up from Sunday lunch at yours I’d definitely introduce him to you before leaving too

SpringIntoChaos · 07/05/2023 20:24

PuffinsRocks · 07/05/2023 16:01

TBH you sound very lonely, and like you had one vision of how the afternoon was going to go, and she had a different vision for it, and neither of you communicated that to one another. That's all. I don't think anyone was unreasonable here. She might not have wanted to overstay her welcome and maybe took it literally when you invited her around "for lunch". I do think she should have offered to help with the washing up but maybe she assumed you had a dishwasher.

Absolute nonsense! You'd block more than 40 minutes in your diary for a 'coffee' with a friend, never mind an invitation to Sunday lunch!! Any normal person would block at least a couple of hours...even if they had a 'back up escape plan' at the ready, just in case they needed it! But to have already planned to leave 40 minutes after arriving for lunch is just bloody rude!!

GoatHeartedPieFacedOwl · 07/05/2023 20:27

That sounds to me like a romantic date rather than a first friend's meet-up. I'd have found that very awkward and made my excuses to leave as soon as I could.

Stripedbag101 · 07/05/2023 20:28

cheekyffer · 07/05/2023 20:04

Please don't feel too hurt. It may be she does not see her son often/he is difficult and she went along with his plans.

thag might not be the case at all. All we know is this lady was incredibly rude.

lots of people in this thread are coming up with reasons for this rudeness from mental health issues to menopause to a weak bladder! Now she has a rude sone she never sees🤣.

if any of these are true then the lady should have made a heartfelt apology - either at the time or shortly afterwards:

the undeniable fact is this lady was incredibly rude, ungracious and ungrateful.

Dappy55 · 07/05/2023 20:31

Yes she was rude and U would have been upset too. Next time don't put yourself put so much

TriedTurningItOff · 07/05/2023 20:32

Agree, you shouldn't take this as a reflection on you. I wouldn't behave as she did, and neither would you. But I've learned that nice people mostly behave nicely - including to me - and abrupt, rude people are .... abrupt. It's so easy to take it personally but mostly it's much more about who they are than their relationship with you.

You sound a lovely friend, and if you keep reaching out you'll find your people. Best of luck !

BHRK · 07/05/2023 20:35

Gosh I’d find this incredibly rude! Most sane normal people would think the same. Staying for Sunday lunch for 40 minutes??

if you invited me for 1pm I’d expect that occasion to last 2-3 hours. I’d also bring wine and chocolate.

well done for putting yourself out there. She’s not going to make a decent friend. But other people will do. Don’t let it put you off

trytopullyoursocksup · 07/05/2023 20:38

I haven't read the full thread so sorry if things have moved on to a point where this is irrelevant, but I just wanted to say:
I'm sorry you were hurt that she rushed off, but I am really impressed by your approach to making friends. You say at one point you were "wrong" to offer lunch rather than a cup of tea, but don't let this put you off the bigger picture of what you are doing: making a concerted effort to make friends through friendliness and generosity. It will work out better at least some of the time, I promise.

I felt an intense need for new friends post divorce, living in a town that I had moved to. Not everyone was up for friends. I felt hurt too after making overtures that were subtly or not subtly rejected. I made meals and hosted and came up with plans and so on, and lots of people would go along with my ideas and accept my generosity - fewer would reciprocate with plans and generosity of their own towards me. But some did and I have good friends now. I am glad I tried.

knittingaddict · 07/05/2023 20:39

PuffinsRocks · 07/05/2023 16:01

TBH you sound very lonely, and like you had one vision of how the afternoon was going to go, and she had a different vision for it, and neither of you communicated that to one another. That's all. I don't think anyone was unreasonable here. She might not have wanted to overstay her welcome and maybe took it literally when you invited her around "for lunch". I do think she should have offered to help with the washing up but maybe she assumed you had a dishwasher.

This "guests" vision is obviously unreasonable. Surely no one thinks that an invitation to Sunday lunch lasts 40 minutes and is literally eat and run? So rude.

BillyNoM8s · 07/05/2023 20:40

GoatHeartedPieFacedOwl · 07/05/2023 20:27

That sounds to me like a romantic date rather than a first friend's meet-up. I'd have found that very awkward and made my excuses to leave as soon as I could.

Confused

The woman has met OP's partner! Highly unlikely she was expecting to be seduced over a roast potato on a random afternoon...

She's rude.

Watersun · 07/05/2023 20:46

Findyourneutralspace · 07/05/2023 16:14

Do people really not have a vision of how a day/evening might go when you invite people over? It doesn’t always go exactly how you have in mind, but there are some natural expectations based on past experiences, social norms etc.

They do, but the imagining her helping with washing up is quite extreme.

The guest was very rude though.

connie26 · 07/05/2023 20:47

Yanbu op. She must've known how much trouble you'd gone to to cook that meal. It wasn't like you'd only made a sandwich or something! Very rude and not a nice friend.

LankylegsFromOz · 07/05/2023 20:49

OP, I would love for a potential new friend within walking distance to offer me roast lamb with all the trimmings for lunch. I would have bought a couple of bottles of wine and rolled home a good few hours later. Shame, I live in Australia though, otherwise I would be hitting you up for that roast 😉

You did nothing wrong and she was terribly rude! Don't give up trying to make new friends!

Clarabell77 · 07/05/2023 20:52

I don't get the feeling there is anything wrong with her like autism or anything like that.

If you came out with anything like that when she was there that’s maybe why she left so quickly.

SaturdayBiscuits · 07/05/2023 21:04

I think she's odd, and definitely rude. She should have stayed longer, or explained why she was leaving suddenly.

I don't see anything wrong at all in inviting a new friend over for Sunday lunch and expecting to spend at least a couple of hours together.

But then I have a lot of male friends too, and can find it hard to make new female friends, so maybe I don't know all the unwritten rules around making new female friends.

Janedoelondon · 07/05/2023 21:06

Oh OP, I am really feeling for you right now. Sending solidarity. You have done absolutely nothing wrong here, you were very kind and extended a generous lunch invite to someone you wanted to get to know and considered a friend. And that is lovely.

Please don't let this put you off, as you sound very kind and are worthy of much better friends!

I too have been in a similar situation recently, so I do understand. It hurts!

Delatron · 07/05/2023 21:06

You sound like a lot of fun OP - spontaneous and generous. I do get your thought process- you had a lamb and thought it would be lovely to invite a potential friend over for lunch. She could have said no.

I wouldn’t give her any more thought. You’ve had a lucky escape and at least she showed who she was early before you waste any more time on her.

ReadersD1gest · 07/05/2023 21:10

Clarabell77 · 07/05/2023 20:52

I don't get the feeling there is anything wrong with her like autism or anything like that.

If you came out with anything like that when she was there that’s maybe why she left so quickly.

As if 🙄

Cleanqueennot · 07/05/2023 21:13

You sound like a lovely, generous and kind person who goes to a lot of trouble to make guests happy. Don’t be discouraged by her odd behaviour. She may have her own issues or social awkwardness that you aren’t aware of. Who knows what people go through privately. She could have her own demons/depression or MH problems and trying to make an effort to live a normal life. She could have started feeling unwell and didn’t want to be unwell in your house and might have felt embarrassed. She might have ASD and isn’t great with knowing what is seen as socially acceptable sometimes. The reasonable explanations could be endless. Who knows?!

You could give her the benefit of the doubt and try not to take it personally as you were the perfect host, but also be a little guarded with her from now on. Maybe don’t invite her again in hurry if you can communicate in other ways. You don’t have to cut her off, just enjoy her company/chat as you have been prior to the lunch. Maybe once you get to know her better it will all make sense, or maybe you will find out she isn’t a great person after all.

Don’t change who you are because of this strange experience and no need to question yourself. I would have enjoyed such a lunch and brought a bottle of wine and a treat/snack for the host. I would probably find it strange if someone came to my house for the first time empty handed, but again there could be a reason. Maybe she is in a terrible financial situation. You don’t have to invite her round again. Some friends are great to meet up with for a coffee in Costa, others can feel more like family. Don’t let it put you off x

slowquickstep · 07/05/2023 21:17

Your tears were not silly at al. Your Guest was downright rude, keep her at arms length. There are plenty of other new friends out there.Flowers

Cleanqueennot · 07/05/2023 21:20

Also, autism isn’t always apparent in the ways you may expect. It is a ‘spectrum’ after all. I have met loads of different people with autism and most of them I wouldn’t have even known until I spend a lot of time with them and only once they’ve told me I could see certain tendencies. Not saying that is what she has, or trying to make excuses for her behaviour. She may just be uncaring and rude but it could also be unintentional with or without autism or anything like that underlying. Peoples Iives and experiences can shape them in so many different ways.

Perhaps she has not got much experience with friends. Never been invited for lunch and was a little internally terrified of messing it up so wanted to keep it short!