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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lunch guest. AIBU to feel hurt?

458 replies

Tabitha1960 · 07/05/2023 15:57

I'm a single lady in my sixties and have very few female friends so made a vow to make extra efforts to try to make some.

Having chatted to a local divorcee in her early 50s a few times, I initially knew her through her job and then from bumping into her now and again and stopping for a chat. As she seemed to like me and we have things in common, I invited her to my house for Sunday lunch. I asked her if roast lamb and all the trimmings would be OK and her eyes lit up, and she said something like, "oooh yummy, that would be lovely!" She lives about a mile away and chose to walk to mine arriving at 1pm.

As you can imagine I was rushed off my feet all morning not just preparing all the food from scratch but tidying and cleaning the kitchen-diner and making everything nice for her.

Lunch was ready when she arrived so I served up and everything went perfectly. It took us about half an hour to eat the meal at a leisurely pace, she was all smiles and compliments and we chatted a little in between bites, she telling me about her two grown up children and four grandchildren. She complimented the food and my house and seemed to really enjoy my company. That is why what happened came as such a shock. As I was clearing away the plates, at 1.40pm she received a text message on her phone. She read it and stood up, smiling, and saying cheerily, "Oh, that was my son, he's already on his way to pick me up. Thank you for a lovely lunch!" Then she picked up her bag and collected her jacket and walked out of my front door to wait for her son's car.

I pretended to be all breezy and smiley and perfectly happy with her departure, but I wasn't really. She was here for literally 40 minutes. When we agreed the date she didn't say she would have to squeeze me into a busy schedule. She made no mention of having anything else to do on that day. I felt gutted because I had assumed it was an "open-ended" lunch in which we'd have dessert, then coffees, then sit around chatting and having a laugh and getting to know one another for a couple of hours. I imagined she'd offer to help with the dishes (which I would of course have refused).

As I tackled the pile of washing up I felt really upset, and even shed a couple of silly tears. What she did felt rather rude and I felt "used". Three hours preparing for her visit, and another hour clearing up, for 40 minutes of her company!

Had it been some kind of emergency of course I would not mind but I don't understand why she told her son to come and collect her at 1.40pm when she knew I'd gone to the trouble of a roast and "all the trimmings."

Isn't there a saying or proverb about "eating and running?"

This was a few weeks ago. We have since interacted on Facebook with lighthearted and witty comments on each others' walls, but she has not asked to meet up again. I'm sad because I really like her and she seemed to like me a lot.

AIBU?

Yes, you are BU -- it only takes 40 minutes to eat lunch so she was right to arrange collection at 1.40pm.

No, you are not BU - she was very rude leaving so quickly

OP posts:
Highdaysandholidays1 · 07/05/2023 19:10

Op, you sound lovely, and thoughtful in reflecting on the whole thing and learning from it. It could have worked out differently, it didn't, she's rude, definitely move on.

Original poster
Tabitha1960 · 07/05/2023 19:12

Teentaxidriver · 07/05/2023 19:01

Ignore all the PP having a go at you - Mumsnet never fails to amaze me with the oddness of posts. You sound very thoughtful and generous. The silver lining is that you won’t waste more time and effort on her - she is either dense, thoughtless or a user of people. It is entirely normal when invited for Sunday lunch to stay all afternoon: chatting, eating, cleaning up. Forty minutes is bizarre. She treated you like a restaurant. She won’t invite you back but not for reasons to do with you, she lacks the positive qualities you possess.

Yes, and I think my expectations have been set, or warped, depending on your view, by the fact that the last time I was invited to someone's house at 1pm "for Sunday lunch" the guests did not even begin to leave until gone 6. Mind you, there were 14 guests!

I spent at least 2 hours chatting to a really interesting American bloke, a complete stranger 15 years my senior who just happened to be sitting next to me. Funny to think I spent more time with him at that lunch than I did with the woman this thread is about. We have been pals ever since and have met up a few times.

It seems a lot less complicated to make a male friend.

OP posts:
SwedishEdith · 07/05/2023 19:15

Tabitha1960 · 07/05/2023 19:02

LOL no, neither of us is a lesbian and the first two times she met me I was with my boyfriend, and introduced him as such.

Show quote history

Just clutching at straws trying to think of a reason for her odd behaviour 😊

BelleMarionette · 07/05/2023 19:16

Oh op, sorry to hear this. She does sound rude, unless it was an emergency (and she would have said if so). I'm guessing she didn't bring a bottle or anything else either?

Making friends as an adult is hard.

GreenwichOrTwicks · 07/05/2023 19:17

So rude and you are lovely.
Please don’t be disheartened, there are nice people out there who will be good friends to you but not her.

DecisionTimeCh0ice · 07/05/2023 19:22

Your invite was lovely, welcoming, warm & friendly

Your friend was rude to leave early & to not send a message of thanks afterwards.

Did your friend invite you to her home or to another location in return ?

Nanalisa60 · 07/05/2023 19:25

How very rude!?

Miajk · 07/05/2023 19:27

Tabitha1960 · 07/05/2023 19:12

Yes, and I think my expectations have been set, or warped, depending on your view, by the fact that the last time I was invited to someone's house at 1pm "for Sunday lunch" the guests did not even begin to leave until gone 6. Mind you, there were 14 guests!

I spent at least 2 hours chatting to a really interesting American bloke, a complete stranger 15 years my senior who just happened to be sitting next to me. Funny to think I spent more time with him at that lunch than I did with the woman this thread is about. We have been pals ever since and have met up a few times.

It seems a lot less complicated to make a male friend.

Show quote history

I'm only in my 20s but I'd think it was lovely of a friend to do all this for me. I'd come with wine or flowers, offer to help, say thank you.

If I could only stay shortly I would say that ahead of time and explain I can only stay for an hour or so.

Sorry she's been so awful! You sound like a thoughtful friend.

cherrybakewell17 · 07/05/2023 19:27

Sorry OP, that was really rude of her. You sound lovely, and I’m sure you’ll meet some other friends who are nicer than she is.

XBealtaine · 07/05/2023 19:28

Rude, she treated it like a burger at McDonald's

gogogoji · 07/05/2023 19:31

PuffinsRocks · 07/05/2023 16:01

TBH you sound very lonely, and like you had one vision of how the afternoon was going to go, and she had a different vision for it, and neither of you communicated that to one another. That's all. I don't think anyone was unreasonable here. She might not have wanted to overstay her welcome and maybe took it literally when you invited her around "for lunch". I do think she should have offered to help with the washing up but maybe she assumed you had a dishwasher.

No one goes for lunch and stays just over half an hour. Let's be real. This isn't about different expectations, she was rude. It's not normal or polite to think that sort of behaviour is ok.

OP why would you say you still really like her and what to be friends? She sounds awful

XBealtaine · 07/05/2023 19:32

@Trez1510 wow, "everybody's pal and nobody's friend". I know this type.
I've been caught out by this misunderstanding too.

Maireas · 07/05/2023 19:35

WorldOutThere · 07/05/2023 18:58

Sorry I missed that response, thanks.

OP if she found a lunch invite too much etc, she could have refused. Her eyes lit up at the idea of roast lamb and she came and had a feast. If she was so freaked out by the lunch offer she could have refused and suggested coffee instead.

Show quote history

Exactly this.

billy1966 · 07/05/2023 19:36

I think you sound lovely OP and I think she was very graceless in her sharp exit and her failure to bring a token confirms it.

It sounds like a delicious meal.

Definitely a coffee or a bite of lunch out on neutral groud might be better.

Don't let this put you off.

Best of luck.

MrsTWH · 07/05/2023 19:36

She was unbelievably rude, OP! You sound lovely and kind.

If she wasn’t up for it, she should have refused. I can’t believe she turned up empty handed, left after 40 mins and then didn’t even follow up with a thank you text!!

Onelifeonly · 07/05/2023 19:39

DrHousecuredme · 07/05/2023 17:50

I'm so sorry OP that sounds weird if her and I really don't think your idea of how lunch would go is intense or stifling, it sounds quite normal in my book.
Just a thought, did she actually know it would be just you and her or had she assumed there would be a group of people? If she thought it was a group invite then discovered it was just the two of you and you didn't know each other that well could she have felt uncomfortable or even wondered if you thought it was a date? You never know what goes on in people's heads.

Maybe she panicked that it was just the two of you. As this poster says, perhaps she assumed it was a romantic date?

I must admit when I read your post, I did think cooking a roast dinner was a touch over the top for someone you barely know. To me it's something I do for the whole family or family plus visitors, so she may well have expected more guests. For a possible new friend, coffee or a light lunch would seem more suitable.

Lavenderflower · 07/05/2023 19:40

I think your guest is very strange. If I was being invited for Sunday lunch, I would be expecting to stay for a minimum of two-three hours but usually its norm to stay longer.

WilsonMilson · 07/05/2023 19:40

She was rude. Even if you pop past for a quick coffee it usually lasts about an hour. 40 mins is beyond rude to turn up and eat and entire meal and then just sod off again.

That said, I think you went over the score from the start. A coffee and cake is more appropriate for someone you don’t know well. Maybe she found it all a bit much.

I wouldn’t go out of your way for her again though.

Eightiesgirl · 07/05/2023 19:43

You sound wonderful, the lunch sounds wonderful and I really wish I had a friend like you. However, maybe next time just suggest coffee and cake and treat it a bit more casually.

blackpearwhitelilies · 07/05/2023 19:44

YANBu at all. She knew it was a roast lunch. She should have turned up with flowers or wine and expected to stay a few hours. If she wasn’t comfortable with the nature of the invitation, she could have declined or suggested something else.

Onelifeonly · 07/05/2023 19:45

Onelifeonly · 07/05/2023 19:39

Maybe she panicked that it was just the two of you. As this poster says, perhaps she assumed it was a romantic date?

I must admit when I read your post, I did think cooking a roast dinner was a touch over the top for someone you barely know. To me it's something I do for the whole family or family plus visitors, so she may well have expected more guests. For a possible new friend, coffee or a light lunch would seem more suitable.

Show quote history

Sorry, I see you have addressed the "date" issue. Maybe she panicked for other reasons.

CoconutQueen · 07/05/2023 19:46

You sound lovely OP, and very kind. Yes, she was very rude.

My only but would be that you really didn't know her very well, so to invite her for a full roast dinner was going from nought to ten far too quickly, even if you were hoping to become friends.

It's a bit like if you are dating a new man.....first date, you never agree to a huge meal at an expensive restaurant on the first date as you may not like each other as much as you envisage. You meet for a coffee for the first date. If that goes well, then a meal that takes you hours to prepare is a lot further down the line when you know them better. Flowers

Jonei · 07/05/2023 19:47

She's really rude op. I'd be pissed off too.

fatherfurlong · 07/05/2023 19:57

That was a lovely thing to do and I admire that you acknowledge you have few friends so decided to do something about it. I am a similar age and when you no longer have the opportunities to make new friends at work or outside the school gates it becomes harder to make new friends and those old friends become even more important.

Your guest was rather rude I think. If you make arrangements to meet someone on a certain day I would never try to curtail my time with that person because I had something else coming up with someone else. If you do it again with someone else I would make it more simple so you are not left exhausted and upset and someone’s thoughtlessness.

willWillSmithsmith · 07/05/2023 20:00

It was very rude and I can understand why you’re upset. It’s probably best if you just did a coffee and biscuits type meet next time if you meet others who seem friend material. I have a friend who does a lovely lunch I wouldn’t dream of swanning off after 40 mins.

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