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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told to leave a group.

574 replies

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 08:25

I got into trouble at a meeting of people with a common interest. In the beginning, I explained that I had ADHD and asked that if I said anything inappropriate, please tell me, and I'll apologise and stop.
Guess what happened?. I did say something, and instead of telling me to stop, someone challenged my statement, and it went downhill after that.
A lady sitting next to me said that she also had ADHD, but that I should have recognised a line that I should not have crossed.
I told her that I didn't have that ability, I only knew if I got it wrong by the reaction it produced, good or bad.
She told me that wasn't true. She was also prone to inappropriate speech and behaviour but knew what boundaries she shouldn't cross.
Anyway, I was banned from the group, which was hurtful but not unusual. ADHD has cost me friends, jobs, and strained family relationships all my life.

OP posts:
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7
Mirabai · 07/05/2023 15:10

Kyse · 07/05/2023 14:50

@Mirabai yeah I find it interesting. Without saying too much to be outing, one of the surnames in our family when you actually look at it makes it obvious he was a slave and chose his own name

My mums side is all very dark hair, dark olive skin, curly to tight coiled hair
I'm as pale as can be and look like the odd one out but it doesn't feel right to say mixed race as it's so long ago, but now I know, saying white feels like I'm ignoring that part of my ancestry

From what the OP describes it seems more recent than that - as she described herself as mixed race - hence my comment. However, beyond grandparents - I really don’t know what the rules are - does anyone?

That’s rather the point OP was making about the form.

I’m a mix of Caucasian, Slav & Asian (Indian). I don’t always put the same thing. Depends on the form. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Jourdain11 · 07/05/2023 15:10

It sounds like you'd benefit from strategies to prevent yourself being drawn into conflict when people challenge you - because it will happen again.

Original poster
MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 15:11

sunshineandtea · 07/05/2023 09:04

Fellow ADHD er here and I was prepared to be on your side OP but without knowing what you said.... and you need to explain what 'it all went downhill' means.

Come back!

I'm here, thanks. When I have an episode, it's hard to get a word in to apologise. The challenge triggered further problems, trying to explain that I wasn't being racist.

OP posts:
Justalittlebitduckling · 07/05/2023 15:12

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 14:28

A list? When I go shopping, I forget to get things. So I make a list, but forget to take it. Or I take it and forget to read it. Or I read it and put it in my bag and forget about it. Or I read it, buy the things I need, pay for them, and leave without them.

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I do all of those things, too. And yet somehow I haven’t starved. What’s your point?

Lovingeveryrainbow · 07/05/2023 15:14

You’re full of it.

Original poster
MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 15:15

spottybug · 07/05/2023 09:11

And do you genuinely think whatever it is you said or were you just trying to be argumentative

I don't see why I have to explain my ethnicity. I got the job because of my experience and qualifications. Why should I be put on a diversity checklist?

OP posts:
Jourdain11 · 07/05/2023 15:17

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 15:15

I don't see why I have to explain my ethnicity. I got the job because of my experience and qualifications. Why should I be put on a diversity checklist?

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You don't have to complete the questionnaire, it's totally acceptable to opt out. Which I imagine you know, tbh. You do come across a bit like you want to pick a fight.

Original poster
MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 15:17

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 07/05/2023 09:30

I have ADHD and when I open my mouth, my brain falls out. So I try to keep my mouth closed unless I am VERY sure of my ground.

It's a diagnosis, not an excuse.

I'm really glad you can manage it. I don't use it as an excuse, apologise, and try to move on.

OP posts:
W0tnow · 07/05/2023 15:19

“Africa” is a very big place…. Most black people who are from the African continent would describe themselves as Zimbabwean, South African, Namibian…etc.

Original poster
MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 15:19

SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 07/05/2023 10:39

Are you going to tell us what you said then @MobilityCat ?

Posted more details

OP posts:
Original poster
MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 15:21

finallygotospeaktoSky · 07/05/2023 10:52

OP may have flounced.

I went out for a few hours and came back to this 😃

OP posts:
nirbil · 07/05/2023 15:26

I don't see why I have to explain my ethnicity. I got the job because of my experience and qualifications. Why should I be put on a diversity checklist?

What job?

Your OP said it was a meeting of people with common interest. You were asked to leave the group. How has this turned into you leaving a job
Confused

Original poster
MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 15:26

ittakes2 · 07/05/2023 12:24

I have adhd and I think people on this thread are being very harsh to you. When I was diagnosed the consultant said that it was unusual but I actually don’t have the adhd trait where I butt into conversations and say things impulsively. Adhd is a spectrum just like autism is and if anyone tells you how your adhd should or should not be presenting - please use your adhd trait of spontaneity to tell them to mind their own business. Speaking impulsively is one of the most common adhd traits there is. Honestly, I am sorry this has happened to you but quite frankly if this group of people are treating you this way - than they are not your people. Find people who make you feel good to be you. Set up your own group maybe?

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

OP posts:
Reasonableadjustments · 07/05/2023 15:28

Was this an ethnicity questionnaire for a job then?

Original poster
MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 15:30

fridaytwattery · 07/05/2023 13:34

It depends what the question on the form is. If it's about race, then 'African' would not include the white population as they are descendants from settlers from other countries (eg England, Holland etc). If it's nationality then of course if born in South Africa, that would be nationality, but not race.

As you are of mixed race OP, does that include black African?

Kenyan, Zimbabwean, and Dutch with a natural tan.

OP posts:
Original poster
MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 15:33

ChrisPPancake · 07/05/2023 14:14

So you're making other people responsible for your behaviour?

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I'm actually asking for help. I never intentionally offend.

OP posts:
DunkingMyDonuts · 07/05/2023 15:33

I totally fail to see what you did wrong @MobilityCat .

Have you asked the group leader for exactly what you did/ said that was offensive?

I would challenge their decision. Not to come back to the group (I wouldnt waste the time) but so you can know.

And if they cant answer, then you definitely did nothing wrong.

Original poster
MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 15:34

Stompythedinosaur · 07/05/2023 14:26

I think that your current management is not reasonable - it sounds like you consider people around you to be responsible for managing your communication.

Now, I do think they could have managed things a bit better - it would have maybe been better to say to you that they found what you were saying to be racist and explained why - but you also don't know what difficulties or capacities the group runners have (who are probably volunteers I imagine).

I also wonder if they may have found your interactions difficult before now, and consider this to be the final straw? I think there's a balance between supporting everyone to access groups, and expecting a group to have to tolerate feeling upset and offended by what someone is saying.

It happened at the very first meeting. I was there by invitation.

OP posts:
Original poster
MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 15:38

SageRosemary · 07/05/2023 14:46

Just to save yourself any embarrassment in the future, please note that Irish people are not British.

There is Ireland, a fully independent Republic with a democratically elected government and president not a monarchy. We are Irish, definitely not British despite an illegal British occupation lasting 800 years. We value our independence, and our friendships with British people and we miss you from the EU. Geographically, Ireland is part of the British Isles in the same way as Spain and Portugal and Andorra are part of the Iberian peninsula but totally separate countries.

Then there is Northern Ireland which is part of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland where a significant proportion of the population will identify as Irish, or Northern Irish and another significant proportion who will identify as British.

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I apologise for not differentiating between Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland. Before I came to the UK, I thought the whole map was England. 😃

OP posts:
Original poster
MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 15:39

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 15:21

I went out for a few hours and came back to this 😃

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Don't even know how to "flounce"

OP posts:
Reasonableadjustments · 07/05/2023 15:40

Just fyi it's not really appropriate to laugh when you say you thought the whole map was England.

The history of the uk and Ireland is problematic to say the least and you run the risk of offending.

Original poster
MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 15:42

Mirabai · 07/05/2023 14:13

If she’s mixed race Caucasian and black African then she’s not “non-black” - what a weird phrase.

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Would that make me a non white?

OP posts:
Original poster
MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 15:44

SBHon · 07/05/2023 14:22

A form like this do you mean @MobilityCat?

It's not quite as comprehensive as that .

OP posts:
Original poster
MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 15:47

Mirabai · 07/05/2023 14:40

@Hohohogreenjennie I assumed that OP meant she wasn’t technically black because she’s mixed race and from a bi racial family. So she may be considered lighter skinned than one of her parents?

I assumed that too but when I when I asked her what her heritage is she doesn’t answer.

I'm sorry for not explaining better. Let's say that I have a light natural tan.

OP posts:
Original poster
MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 15:50

nirbil · 07/05/2023 15:26

I don't see why I have to explain my ethnicity. I got the job because of my experience and qualifications. Why should I be put on a diversity checklist?

What job?

Your OP said it was a meeting of people with common interest. You were asked to leave the group. How has this turned into you leaving a job
Confused

Discussing the checklist was what started it.

OP posts: