Page 12 | Told to leave a group.

MobilityCat · 2023-05-07T07:25:19+00:00

I got into trouble at a meeting of people with a common interest. In the beginning, I explained that I had ADHD and asked that if I said anything inappropriate, please tell me, and I'll apologise and stop. Guess what happened?. I did say something, and instead of telling me to stop, someone challenged my statement, and it went downhill after that. A lady sitting next to me said that she also had ADHD, but that I should have recognised a line that I should not have crossed. I told her that I didn't have that ability, I only knew if I got it wrong by the reaction it produced, good or bad. She told me that wasn't true. She was also prone to inappropriate speech and behaviour but knew what boundaries she shouldn't cross. Anyway, I was banned from the group, which was hurtful but not unusual. ADHD has cost me friends, jobs, and strained family relationships all my life.

Original poster

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 14:36

Seas164 · 07/05/2023 08:42

if I said anything inappropriate, please tell me, and I'll apologise and stop

If you have the ability to stop, do you have the ability to not start? If your speech is involuntary maybe this wasn't the group for you.

Most of my speech is clear and good. Then something triggers it and ends badly. I might be in church, and the minister asks a rhetorical question, and I'll call out an answer, usually inappropriate.

OP posts:

Hohohogreenjennie · 07/05/2023 14:37

LateAF · 07/05/2023 14:34

Mixed white and black African is an option on the forms, and "other" mixed background is also an option. If OP was mixed black African she could tick this but she is not - she is mixed race other born in Africa but not ethnically black.

OP please can you confirm whether you are mixed race black? Do you have a black parent? It would help clarify a lot of discussion on here and also whether YABU or not.

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Oh, I’ve just seen your other post. Thanks for explaining! Well, this just gets even more curiouser 🤨🤔

Kyse · 07/05/2023 14:37

Mirabai · 07/05/2023 14:25

To settle this - what is your racial heritage OP?

If you have no black African heritage then you were BU.

How far back to you go with it though? Not a goady question but more curious

Like I've always said I'm white British but when I actually did my ancestry my great great grandad was black (we didn't know this)
So am I right saying I'm white british because it's too far back in the family?
Musing I guess. My dads mum never liked my mum as she said she was black

Aside from her being a racist cow I guess it turns out she was partially righ

Original poster

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 14:38

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 07/05/2023 08:50

In my experience with ADHD people, the impulsiveness is usually towards oversharing rather than anything inappropriate. I can't say if they were fair or not, not knowing what you said.

Walk in my shoes. My life is like a roller coaster.

OP posts:

Mirabai · 07/05/2023 14:40

@Hohohogreenjennie I assumed that OP meant she wasn’t technically black because she’s mixed race and from a bi racial family. So she may be considered lighter skinned than one of her parents?

I assumed that too but when I when I asked her what her heritage is she doesn’t answer.

Original poster

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 14:40

Ginnybaby · 07/05/2023 09:11

I told her that I didn't have that ability, I only knew if I got it wrong by the reaction it produced, good or bad

yet when you got a bad reaction you continued. I think this is the key, you were challenged, the stop sign, and you continued, you saw it was getting a bad reaction snd you continued. You had the ability to stop, by your own admission, and didn’t.

do you need to be told what to do, if so then come back and explain what occurred.

I get sucked in by the challenge and tried to explain. It ended badly. The story of my life.

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Reasonableadjustments · 07/05/2023 14:40

People can't choose their sexuality though.

Original poster

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 14:42

Seriouslynotseriously · 07/05/2023 09:37

Also Nature is Perfect, but obviously been screwed up by humanity, actions in life

Nature is not perfect. Its evolved to enable successful species/ individuals to survive at the cost of less well adapted/ flexible species/ individuals, and it involves huge amounts of brutality and suffering every moment of every day. Have you never seen a nature documentary? And even they edit out the worst bits. I read a book by a camera guy for these films. He once heard a wildebeast being eaten alive by a pack of lions. It took 20 minutes for the poor beast to stop moaning, all the time being eaten alive. He heard a young mongoose protractedly screaming in terror after being presented by a mother predator to her young to 'practise' on. There is a species of bird that always has two young, the biggest knocks the youngest out of the (ground) nest, who then starves to death, just feet away, over days, calling to is mother for food and being ignored. I could go on, species after species.

None of that is to do with humanity. This brutality is integral to how 'nature' works.

Sorry, thread derail, I know.

Tell me about it, I'm a survivor, not a victim.

OP posts:

Papernotplastic · 07/05/2023 14:42

If this is genuine, THINK might help

https://www.thecoachingtoolscompany.com/think-acronym-for-kinder-and-more-effective-communications/

THINK Acronym for Kinder and More Effective Communications (Infographic)

This THINK acronym and infographic helps us communicate more kindly with others. Originally the THINK acronym was created to help reduce online bullying

https://www.thecoachingtoolscompany.com/think-acronym-for-kinder-and-more-effective-communications/

Mirabai · 07/05/2023 14:45

Kyse · 07/05/2023 14:37

How far back to you go with it though? Not a goady question but more curious

Like I've always said I'm white British but when I actually did my ancestry my great great grandad was black (we didn't know this)
So am I right saying I'm white british because it's too far back in the family?
Musing I guess. My dads mum never liked my mum as she said she was black

Aside from her being a racist cow I guess it turns out she was partially righ

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Absolutely this is a fair point. And that’s why I said I have sympathy with people who don’t like interrogation on racial origins.

Either way, I’d expect OP to select ‘mixed race’ unless there wasn’t an option for that.

AlienatedChildGrown · 07/05/2023 14:45

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 14:22

A general explanation
I don't use ADHD as an excuse for poor speech or behaviour.
We are not all the same. It's a spectrum, and I'm on the dark side.
To anyone who I have offended in this post, I apologise wholeheartedly.
To those who have offered sympathy and support, thank you!.

I’m not exactly sure what you mean by the dark side of the ADHD spectrum. Severity ? More likely to have a mood disorder as well ?

I range from the wrong end of moderate to the lower end of severe depending on health, environment & life rain. And I got diagnosed with a mood disorder along with ADHD. So you are correct, we are not photocopies of one another.

But there’s another, and potentially far more significant, variety within the group of people with ADHD. We are all individuals. Our character, personality, life experiences, will shape how we as an entity cope well (or not so much) with the ADHD shaped spanner in the works.

Sometimes, while it’s always worth bearing in mind the ADHD, it’s worth asking how much of my current troubles are down to a personality / worldview clash ?

Maybe the ADHD played a role. Cultural hot potatoes are not always our strength. Maybe it was an opportunistic grab of a hot potato to fling at your head, because some of them don’t feel like they are a good fit for you. Maybe it was a genuine hot potato and you didn’t pick up on the distress signals given that can be a signal to ask for accomodations, because ADHD is not the only flavour of life rain, or being dealt some rubbish cards in life.

Do you want to be back in the group ? Or is it more a case of you don’t understand what you did wrong and want to avoid being de-clubbed again ?

If it’s the latter, I can’t help, because I’m just not clubbable (part ADHD, part my personality). I can have warm fired ships, I work with people all day everyday, but I’m not built for club like relationships.

The former however, I’m quite good at. Have a lifetime’s experience of apologising for putting my foot in it 🫣 Even when I have the bit between my teeth and am not entirely sold on the idea I was in the wrong 😬

Original poster

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 14:46

BlackberrySky · 07/05/2023 10:15

Just here to find out what was actually said. But I do agree with the PPs who have said that unfortunately the preponderance of people with self diagnosed ADHD using it at licence not to moderate their behaviour gives me fatigue. Plus it makes it so much harder for those who genuinely do have the condition to be accommodated.

I was diagnosed in my 40s after a life wondering why I was always in trouble. The psychiatrist who diagnosed me said she was glad to have met me because she wondered what happened to the kids she worked with when they went through life.

OP posts:

SageRosemary · 07/05/2023 14:46

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 14:17

I'm not being goady, I declared myself to be African, not black. You may describe yourself as British, although you're either English, Welsh, Scottish, or Irish. Or a mix.

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Just to save yourself any embarrassment in the future, please note that Irish people are not British.

There is Ireland, a fully independent Republic with a democratically elected government and president not a monarchy. We are Irish, definitely not British despite an illegal British occupation lasting 800 years. We value our independence, and our friendships with British people and we miss you from the EU. Geographically, Ireland is part of the British Isles in the same way as Spain and Portugal and Andorra are part of the Iberian peninsula but totally separate countries.

Then there is Northern Ireland which is part of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland where a significant proportion of the population will identify as Irish, or Northern Irish and another significant proportion who will identify as British.

Original poster

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 14:49

ChrisPPancake · 07/05/2023 11:11

You can have ADHD and be a dick. Or have it and not be. You don't get a free pass for dickish behaviour just because you have a diagnosis.

I'm sorry you feel like that. It's not a free pass. It's just a hurdle I have to manage every single day.

OP posts:

Kyse · 07/05/2023 14:50

@Mirabai yeah I find it interesting. Without saying too much to be outing, one of the surnames in our family when you actually look at it makes it obvious he was a slave and chose his own name

My mums side is all very dark hair, dark olive skin, curly to tight coiled hair
I'm as pale as can be and look like the odd one out but it doesn't feel right to say mixed race as it's so long ago, but now I know, saying white feels like I'm ignoring that part of my ancestry

Original poster

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 14:50

WheelsUp · 07/05/2023 12:00

There's a chance that the group overreacted. Sometimes the leaders/organiser can have prejudices of their own which means that they can't accept people who believe the opposite to them.

There was a recent thread where an OP said that she developed an aversion to her husband as he voted Leave. Lots of answers said that they would see it as a red line too which is ironic as they see voting Leave as a sign that the person is intolerant to others.

People can have their own boundaries and red lines which is fine but sometimes they will appear unreasonable to others.

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OP posts:

Original poster

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 14:51

Christmascracker0 · 07/05/2023 12:24

Man, I love threads like this. 8 pages of posters arguing amongst each other and still no follow up from the OP.

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OP posts:

Original poster

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 14:52

blahblahblah1654 · 07/05/2023 13:30

You weren't in the wrong here. You're best out of an ignorant group like that. Hope you find another one soon!

Thank you for your support.

OP posts:

eloquent · 07/05/2023 14:52

Neopolitan · 07/05/2023 11:40

ADHD is just hyperactivity, that's all. It doesn't mean you don't know right from wrong. ASD is the one means you often don't understand nuances, and appropriateness.

No, it isn't. It's much more, and doesn't always include hyperactivity.

Do some research before spreading misinformation.

Original poster

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 14:55

Hohohogreenjennie · 07/05/2023 14:06

Could it be confusion between the terms ‘ethnicity’ and ‘nationality’?

If you are born in Africa, or more specifically an African country, you are African (or that particular nationality). But maybe they think you are stating you are black because they confuse African with meaning Black African? When you are in fact stating you are African without specifying your actual ethnicity (which was the whole point of the conversation in the first place). Maybe in future refer to the nationality rather than generically saying African to avoid further conflict (although that seems unfair when you don’t appear to have done anything wrong).

You should honestly complain about the group & incident. People shouldn’t be presuming your ethnic identity, especially when you have already told them you are of mixed heritage and were born in Africa. Are they saying you’re not African because you don’t look African? It’s like those people who claim Meghan Markle isn’t mixed race because she looks too white 🤨

Thank you, I'll try to do better.

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Original poster

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 14:58

Fraaahnces · 07/05/2023 14:28

Empathy @MobilityCat. I feel uncomfortable being asked to identify my race also. I live in Aus and am such a mixed bag genetically that I could technically identify as indigenous, I could identify as being of African descent, Jewish on both sides, oriental descent, mixed bag European and who else knows what. To confuse things further, I am the only one in my family whose appearance does not make this abundantly clear, as I am the blue-eyed, blonde sheep of the family. (Who happens to tan suspiciously easily, despite being a sun-dodger.) I work for a government department who finds it weird that I always write “I’d rather not say” when it comes to declaring my ethnic background, as I feel that choosing one betrays the rest. (Also one allows certain rights/privelages and protections that I don’t deserve having not been grown up with the prejudice and injustice that warrants such things.)

Well, I've had both privilege and prejudice being not dark enough to be black or pale enough to be white. Lots of rich and poor folk in Africa, I grew up dirt poor.

OP posts:

Papernotplastic · 07/05/2023 14:59

*’As a person of mixed race in a multi racial family, I mentioned that I didn't like the form where I had to describe my racial origin. Since I'm from Africa, I described myself as African, although I'm not a black person as such.

The manager took exception to this and said I'm not African, so I told her she was born in Britain, making her British and I was born in Africa, making me African.’*

You knew they were asking about race, you described yourself as mixed race, so why did you talk about nationality?

Original poster

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 15:04