To be sad about grandparents not helping childcare

[ChickenRacer]

Ive heard so many stories about grandparents not wanting to help/be particularly involved with their grandchildren.I understand it’s not all grandparents, but their is a big proportion who just don’t help and support their children when they have small children.

Explanations for this often seem to be that the grandparents did their time parenting and now it’s their time to enjoy life. Which I do understand.

But to me though this seems so sad.

They say it takes a village to raise children - but grandparents are a huge part of many peoples village, so if they aren’t part of the village that’s less support for parents of young children.

This might upset some people, but I also wonder those grandparents that do not feel they want to help with the care of their grandchildren- do they still expect their adult children to care for them in their old age when they themselves need care? Will they pay their children to care for them, as some expect to be paid for caring for their grandchildren?

Please don’t be all upset by this, they are genuine questions.

I have 3 children and for various reasons have ZERO help from grandparents. But I very much hope if I am lucky enough to have grandchildren that I will be able to help my children with them in the best way for them. And I wouldn’t want them to have to care for me in my old age. 🤷‍♀️

Absolutely all this

I really feel in here grandparents/ils are treated like chess pieces to be moved around a board to only be there to suit the person posting

We've talked my mother into accepting daily carers for this reason. She loves seeing them and they help her with personal care. My siblings and I are also actively involved, but we take her shopping, or out on trips, or pop in for a cuppa. We are all much happier knowing we are maintaining the sort of relationships that we would if 'care' wasn't required. Also we have peace of mind with professionals going in every day.
I posted earlier to say she helped me with my children, but not as a regular thing to help me with a full time job.
We all have a lovely relationship with each other and I'm grateful for that. She still enjoys the company of all her grandchildren too, and they love her to bits.

I agree it’s very sad and potentially hurtful if dgp’s don’t want to be involved at all but I don’t think that’s the same as refusing to commit to regular childcare.

Both my dm and dpil were great with the kids and loved to see them. But dpil had practically raised one set of dgc so we’re quite rightly much more protective of their time by the time ours came aound. They were still great and always happy to help in an emergency.

My dm had my dc1 when 1-2 days per week when I briefly returned to work. She was in her 50’s then and i soon realised it was a lot for her so I made other arrangements pretty quickly, although we continued to spend time with her so she wasn’t missing out. My dsis only had her dc when my dm was turning 70. She expected regular childcare from dm and my dm wanted to help so she agreed. In reality it was far too much for her but my dsis kept asking for more and more, even though dm was still working pt. I ended up taking holidays from work to help as dm became ill and just couldn’t manage in the end.

We lost my dm after a very short illness and I feel very sad that she didn’t get to enjoy her well earned retirement. Dh and I want to retire early and have agreed that we are going to take some time for ourselves. We want to be involved with any dgc we might have and are happy to babysit and help in emergencies but will not commit to regular childcare. We will happily help with childcare costs though.

I certainly don’t expect or want my children to take care of me in my old age. We have the money for private care and intend to use it so that we aren’t a burden on our dc. That being said, I willingly helped my dm a lot towards the end which brings me some comfort now, and dh and I will help his dp’s if required. Not because they expect it but because we love them and want to support them.

For all that grandfathers are capable the vast majority of requests are I assume aimed at grandmothers. Women who will have brought up their own dc, many while working and then quite possibly shouldering the care of their parents (and in laws) in later years.

No one owes anyone anything and in this case and if the grandparent wants to provide care whether or ad hoc then that is their gift to give not an expectation.

So many threads on here complaining about the childcare provided by DM & DMIL I'm inclined to steer clear when my time comes.

Exactly. On mn many cut their nose off to spite their face by the 'my way or highway' rules/ standards.

Yes, exactly 👏👏

I've said exactly this on previous threads - if you want a village to raise your child, you need to let go of that control and accept that other people won't raise your children the way your raise them.

It reminds me of a recent thread where the OP was angry because her mum was using an iPad while providing free childcare for her 3yo. The consensus was basically if you don't like it, then you need to pay for childcare - you can't dictate how someone cares for your child when they're giving up their time for free.

I don't have a parents, but have in laws, mil lives 10 mins away. My children are they only grandchildren they will ever have. I wouldn't ask her to look after the children as that's mine/dh responsibility. However I would like her to be involved in dc's lives. She will see them to drop off presents but that's it no involvement in their lives. Fil lives in the same city as us. Will see us every now and then. But that's it. Neither of them can answer any questions about the children's likes/ dislikes etc.
I find it very sad that my children don't have any kind of relationship with their grandparents.

To answer your question no I will not be doing any kind of looking after for in-laws as they get older. They have decided they don't want to be part of ours/ children's lives which is fine but they can't do that then expect help as they get older. If my dh decides he wants to care for his parents that's up to him (he won't as he doesn't understand why his parents act the way they do).

Why should they though? It's their choice. They have worked for their retirement and should be able to enjoy themselves and do what they want for a bit whilst still fit and healthy.

Imagine working for all that time, bringing up your kids etc, then helping with their kids once you've stopped work, then being too old to do the stuff you worked for and dreamt about. You might as well not bother with any of it.

Don't say the reward is the grandchildren either, because reading on here about all the rules grandparents have to follow, most parents suck the joy right out of grandparenting.

I think it's awful. I'd never expect regular help from family but my family have never spent a day with my children without me present, never had them to stay overnight without me there too, never babysat them even once. I have been a lone parent since my children were tiny and they are school age now. I can't imagine treating family like that. I think some people have really twisted views on what family should be. They refer to spending even an hour with them in my garden as "childcare" which is an horrific way to speak about spending time with the younger members of your family, like they are some kind of inconvenience.

👏👏👏👏

So, it doesn’t matter how well your parents raised you. You didn’t ask for it so owe them nothing. Even though they, likely, did above bare minimum.

So once you reach adulthood, you owe them nothing and they have completed the responsibilities they took up when they had you. Everything is even again. But you want them to feel obligated to you, still. You have no attachment to them and don’t have a parent/child connection to them. Chose to have children and want them to be obligated to you anyway?

They didn’t make you have kids. Your kids didn’t ask to be born and their grandparents had no part in it either. Is that how you feel about your own kids? That it’s not a mutually enjoyable relationship, that you aren’t doing anything to their benefit through choice or love. Because they didn’t ask to be born? It’s all just obligatory tasks that you perform? Just transactional?

But you think your owe you childcare and a level of interest that you deem appropriate. And you do think that. No point pretending you don’t.

Either care for you parents or don’t. There’s a good chance you won’t have to. They may not need it because they are healthy until they die, their needs become serious very quickly and have to be moved to a home, die relatively young, you may not be in a position due to work, children etc to provide it.

I don’t believe that grandparents have to provide childcare to earn their family helping them as they get older. That choice has nothing to do with the grandparent - grandchild relationship. And everything to do with the adult child, their relationship to their elderly parent and the circumstances at the time.

I Don’t get the thinking that grandparents have to do things a certain way, on the off chance you might care for them. They could do everything how you want them to and still not want to or be able to care for them.

It’s very odd how transactional you are about your relationships and yet still expect people to enter agreements with you out of emotional obligation.

I agree it’s very sad and potentially hurtful if dgp’s don’t want to be involved at all but I don’t think that’s the same as refusing to commit to regular childcare
Agree with this, and we've been fortunate to have one set of grandparents who have volunteered to support with childcare after initially saying they didn't want to.
I admire that they were clear from the start that they never envisioned themselves being grandparents childcare. They've been happy to offer in different ways and I think that's because DH and I never had an expectation of them doing free childcare for us, and we also don't give them a long list of expectations of how they should and shouldn't do things.

"So many" aren't even visiting occasionally?

Have you got evidence for that?

“The village” is always women - women who are done child-rearing and would like to do something else, women who have chosen not to have kids, women who can’t have kids. All women, expected to help out mums of young kids who’ve chosen to have kids and yet expect their “village”, who had no say in the matter, to organise their own lives around it.

I see it all the time at work - constantly covering parents, never getting time off when the weather is good or at Christmas, because it takes a village and apparently by virtue of being a woman without young kids I’m part of someone else’s village.

Men, of course, are never part of a village. Even their own. They can sod about not looking after their own kids but woe betide a village woman be reluctant.

Sorry, OP, this topic just annoys me so much!

I quite often have my four year old grand daughter round. I adore her, but she is hard work! My two year old grand son has to be constantly watched obviously. All this is exhausting and may be some slightly older grandparents just don’t have the stamina to keep up with them! Myself for example has the beginnings of osteoarthritis. I am 67. I will help out when I can and have already offered to pick up DGD from school when she starts in September.

Are you saying that if grandparents don't help with childcare then their children shouldn't look after them when they are old or infirm?
Never mind the years they spent looking after their actual children.
I have no help with my youngest as my MIL is disabled and my parents are in their 80s. My parents used to help out occasionally with my older children, but they were in their 60s then. I never expected it though. I waited until it was offered.
I don't understand why people are so horrified when their parents don't want to babysit or worse provide almost constant childcare. You chose to have your children, not your parents.
I know childcare is expensive. It's our biggest monthly bill but we chose to have another child.

I have 3 children and for various reasons have ZERO help from grandparents.

If you’re struggling with no help why on earth would you make the choice to have THREE children? Why not atleast stop at two??! You can’t voluntarily have three children and then complain its too much hard work and you aren’t getting enough help.

I used to spend 2 weeks a year with my grandparents whilst my parents went on holiday!! There were also plenty of sleepovers, teas, school pick ups etc.

We get no help at all!! Maybe an hour or two per year 😂

DH’s grandparents were like that too. Since they died no one seems to miss them at all. I find it sad that they made themselves irrelevant to family life.

I shall be doing nothing for our parents when they’re elderly. However, I’m excited to look after future grandchildren. Hoping our home will always be a place of fun and relaxation for our DC and DGC.

I'm responsible. I'm saving for my care in old age, I've never requested even emergency help from any friends or family for childcare. There is no village, its a complete lie. You've got to deal or fall through the cracks. In my experience noone is interested. As you can see evidenced minute by minute on MN. Anyone saying 'I'm struggling' in RL or online will be ignored or mocked or subject to a character assassination. There's literally no one out there who cares.💁

All these women with young children berating their parents/in-laws and claiming how they are looking forward to caring for their grandchildren in 30/40 years time. You might feel differently when you finally get to retire in your late 60s, have some health issues, want to do some travelling etc

Don't be too judgy - a lot can change in your lives in the future😬

I get not doing the childcare replacing a nursery I really do, but we've never had so much of an offer for babysitting or anything - it's definitely an age issue in my side but my ILs are completely uninterested in more than several times a year doing a fleeting visit. That's fine up to them but I don't offer to help them out in any particular way either. And to be fair, they never ask

At the minute I feel like I would want to offer some help, blimey at least a sleep over once in a while but idk age and health might change that.

Indeed. My parents (both gone now and full disclosure- I never had children) provided a lot of regular childcare for my older brother's kids and then much later, our considerably younger brother's (and he was well into his 30s when his 2 were born, 5 years apart).

They did it willingly but I remember Mum telling me confidentially when the youngest of all these was still being minded regularly by Mum & Dad - when they were into their 70s and both suffering health issues - how exhausting they found it.

We're in the same situation. Grandparents that have no reason why they can't help out but choose not to.

My parents are divorced but my mum hasn't worked in years and my dad retired a couple of years ago. They both live around 20mins away from me, in opposite directions. Neither have ever offered to help out and both rarely come and see the kids.

It's a shame as I loved spending time with my own grandparents and I'm sure my kids would love it too when they're old enough (currently 3 and 1yr).

My DP's mum sees the kids once a year at most.

I don't expect childcare, but it would be nice if they showed some interest. When I went back to work after maternity leave I only needed help one or two days a month and both didn't want to help. It costs £10k a year in childcare now as the minimum the nursery will take them is 2 days a week. All because my parents don't want to help out for 6hrs a month each.

I've done my bit. I've cooked, cleaned, changed nappies, fed them, school runs, days out, and activities. And now it's grumpy teens and piles of washing up and dirty clothes. I'm still going as I have teenagers not quite adults yet.

If my older adult children had children right now and expected me to step up to childcare I'd cry. It's been 25 years so far and I have quite a few years left before they all fly the nest.

My husband and I plan to travel once we retire and I'm not being tied down to regular childcare ever again!

I would offer childcare if we are home though. Just not on a regular basis. More when I can for everything in type of arrangement.

Exactly.

How you feel in your thirties is very different to how you'll feel in your sixties!