To be sad about grandparents not helping childcare

[ChickenRacer]

Ive heard so many stories about grandparents not wanting to help/be particularly involved with their grandchildren.I understand it’s not all grandparents, but their is a big proportion who just don’t help and support their children when they have small children.

Explanations for this often seem to be that the grandparents did their time parenting and now it’s their time to enjoy life. Which I do understand.

But to me though this seems so sad.

They say it takes a village to raise children - but grandparents are a huge part of many peoples village, so if they aren’t part of the village that’s less support for parents of young children.

This might upset some people, but I also wonder those grandparents that do not feel they want to help with the care of their grandchildren- do they still expect their adult children to care for them in their old age when they themselves need care? Will they pay their children to care for them, as some expect to be paid for caring for their grandchildren?

Please don’t be all upset by this, they are genuine questions.

I have 3 children and for various reasons have ZERO help from grandparents. But I very much hope if I am lucky enough to have grandchildren that I will be able to help my children with them in the best way for them. And I wouldn’t want them to have to care for me in my old age. 🤷‍♀️

It’s interesting. My in laws actively offer to help with DD. They say they remember what it was like not to have any help so don’t want us to be in the same position and it’s so helpful and lovely.

my own parents used my grandmother often for childcare and went on nights out most weekends yet see DD maybe 5-6 times a year. They still go out most weekends

I’m a few years from retirement and have no intention of providing childcare for any GC who may come along. That doesn’t mean they won’t be a big part of my life though.
I’m knackered and my family all seem to die in their 70s so I’ve got a lot to squeeze in before then.
We’ve made provision for care for so don’t expect DCs to be involved in that as they have their own lives to lead.

Children don't "owe" their parents for their care?! The parents are the ones who chose to have the children. Or should people be grateful that their parents kept them at home rather than sending them off to a children's home?

I think it depends on the situation, I finished work at 55, retraining as a therapist but unfortunately was diagnosed with breast cancer at 56. My only grandchild was born a week before my mastectomy. We kinda bonded 😊she gave me something extra to live for and I love her dearly. I see her most days, she sleeps over at least twice a week, she's very active so keeps us all going. I feel very privilege to be a big part of her life, she's my little best mate.

I'm a grandparent, in my 50's. I still work full time. I help my dc out when they need it for appointments or illness etc but I am not going to be free childcare. I'm exhausted! I'm caring for elderly relatives. I literally get one afternoon a week to myself.

My mil retired in her late 50s to help her dd with childcare. By the time she was no longer needed she was showing signs of dementia. She never did get to enjoy any retirement. Sod that.

Oh and my dc don't expect childcare, and I don't expect them to look after me when im old. It's not transactional.

God I hate that saying. Unfortunately in this day and age most grandparents are working until an older age. I'll be 70-80 if my kids have children at the same age I did. Depending on my health not sure how much I can do even though I'll try. We don't have a support network nearby but the grandparents do help every few months. Can't trust FIL though as he's an alcoholic. My mum is only 59 but works a lot.

The other side of this is, if you're a grandparent in their 40s or 50s, you're probably still working! I had all my DCs before I was 25. My parents were still working age, as were DH's and weren't available for childcare. I will need to work until I'm at least 67, so unless my DCs have children in their 40s, I won't be able to help them either apart from some weekend babysitting.

I agree with others regular childcare is a big ask. However I know what you mean OP, I have GP on one side who show very little interest in seeing my children at all and certainly never offered even occasional babysitting. I find this really sad, not so much because I don’t get a break but because (in my biased opinion) my kids are great and I wish the GPs cared enough to make an effort to spend time with them. It’s gotten to the point where it can’t change now as the kids don’t know them and it would take a lot of time and effort to change that.

This is MN, OP. You should never be expect anything from your parents. If your parents are babysitting yours children, you are selfish and they are martyrs. Equally you should kick you children out of the house on their 16th birthday. Every man for himself and all that.

OP, I'm a single mum to a 15yo, I'm 60 next month and will work full time for another couple of years. I'm shattered. And I'm in good health, not overweight, physically fit.

I literally could not cope with a toddler. Maybe after I've had six months rest I would do one afternoon a week, but no more.

Do not underestimate how energy levels drop as people get to 60.

@ChickenRacer Not a chance. They can be involved if they want to be, but expectation and obligation is the killer of any loving relationship.

There’s probably also a class and/or occupational professional group divide here because of average age of mothers giving birth.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/livebirths/articles/anoteonchildbearingbysocioeconomicstatusandcountryofbirthofmother/2016#births-by-socio-economic-status-and-age-of-mothers

I have no intention of offering childcare, I want the freedom to do what I want and when. I have had no help, single parent with both sets of grandparents dead and dc dad dead, I'll have done all my childcare. Saying that I will offer to babysit and if I'm around for ad hoc childcare due to sickness I will step in there but regular childcare, no chance and actually as a parent it was the babysitting or sickness cover I needed not regular childcare which I paid for.

We have three kids age 5, 3 7months. We receive zero childcare from either side. One set of parents are fully retired, the other has one parent working part time. My parents will help in an emergency (recently needed an a&e trip) but that's it. I don't expect them to have them on set days etc as an alternative to childcare but I do WISH with every bone in my body they would babysit just once. I won't ask because I know they will flap about and make excuses/pull out at the last minute (guaranteed). What's annoying is they both moan they want to see the kids more, right up until the point that we ask to see them (as a family).

When my kids are grown I want to be able to see them, babysit but not do fixed childcare. I think I just appreciate how bloody miraculous a couple of hours child free will be for me and DH right now (and assume our parents have forgotten!)

I know people who have organised their whole lives around the fact their parents will do all their childcare etc for them. I had a manager briefly who didn’t understand why I didn’t want more hours work. She then explained her 2 children basically lived with her parents during the week so she could work uninterrupted and seemed confused it wasn’t the same for everyone.

I know someone who was basically bullied into looking into her GC by her son. She would have done it, but I don’t think to the extent that she has done. They are also well off but pay for no childcare. It was meant to be split between her and in-laws but they are busy people so cancel and leave her to pick it up (widowed). They also live well over an hour away. She’s had calls in the middle of the night to come down as there is a sick child, so they can go back to sleep.
The worst of it is, they spend no time socially with her. She looks after GC as otherwise she wouldn’t see them. When they come home from work she’s been asked to leave. They never take her out for the day as that’s ‘family time’, they never come to visit her. It’s ruined her relationship with her friends as she won’t commit to anything in case her son rings for help. They have taken her on holiday and she said she felt like a nanny the whole time.
She’s in her 80s and doing it wipes her out, she sleeps on a sofa bed when she visits and doesn’t sleep well.
She actually tried to move house closer so she didn’t have to do the drive and her son has said absolutely not. I know why, because he doesn’t want to be responsible when she gets infirm. She was very poorly once and went in hospital and he never came to visit, just shouted at her about his childcare issues.
He very much believes she owes him because his own GM was very involved in his care when he was little. It’s not the same though.

When someone chooses to have a child/children it is entirely their responsibility to work out how they are going to bring them up and look after them. Not the 'villages'. The rest of my life won't be ruled by my children's decisions. I am still working fulltime, I barely have time to look after myself properly. I actually think it's crazy anyone wanting to bring kids into this world now.

^This!

OP, I'm sorry that neither set of grandparents shows much interest in their grandchildren. I agree that that's sad.

I think you're drawing a false equivalence between grandparents caring for their grandchildren, and adult children caring for their own parents. There's an extra degree of separation there.

Your parents looked after you when you were young. Natural social norms dictate that then you, when adult, will help look after them when they are old.

Grandchildren play no part in that equation.

I do agree, though, that it can be very difficult for (mostly) women who find themselves with children needing care on one side, and aging parents needing care on the other.

Regardless, I would never expect a regular (by which I mean every week) childcare commitment from anyone I wasn't paying; I don't think it's fair to curtail others' freedom like that.

Also women are having children later and later, which means that the grandparents in question are going to be older and older. Young children are exhausting to spend time with, no matter how much you love them!

I am 63, taken early retirement at 61 due to bring diagnosed with a life limiting health condition which is managed by taking hideously toxic drugs with grim side effects. Other than having endless GP and hospital appointments every single week, I can never tell when I'm going to need to rest . Will suddenly become v unwell and exhausted. For both reasons , I can't make plans in advance , not theatre visits, meals out , holidays let alone childcare when the parents need to know they won't be let down if I get I'll at the last minute. It's not that I don't want to help raise my grandchildren, it's that I simply am not physically well enough to . This is saddening for everyone but personally , a total disappointment to me as I moved countries to be nearer them so I could be a hands on Nanna. Life gets in the way of hopes and plans at times.

I don’t have DC but I do help out with childcare for DB and his DW, with DM snd stepdad.

SIL works some evenings and some weekends too and they’re expecting DC2 later this year. DB works in film and tv on contracts and does a lot of childcare in between jobs.

My DM is 81, stepdad 10 years younger and we all live the other side of London to DB. We can look after DNephew but it’s exhausting for a day especially factoring in the Blackwall tunnel.

DB and DW are now planning to move to our side of London as they do need help at least with nursery/school pick up.

DB’s BIL (his wife’s DB) moved to SW England from London over lockdown, have DC2.5 and DC6. His MIL does date night childcare once a week and I think helps with nursery and school pickups drop offs when the DP can’t do it.

I think it depends on grandparents and their health as to what they can help out with re childcare.

@ChickenRacer I agree. I find it baffling. My parents love being around dc but actual scheduled help? Not a chance. They are both retired, one not even 60! I always think I hope dc have children ASAP so I am around and able to help! I think it’s very sad and I see childcare within a family as a privilege, so it’s something I would embrace, personally. Of course as grandparents you’d want a break and not to have constant demands but not even committing to one day childcare a week? It’s sad.

I look after my GC. But this is my free choice and not my obligation. Just as it was my DCs free choice to have children and mine before that.
I strongly oppose the idea that people should make their unilateral decision to have children then place other people under obligation to help with them.
As for care in old age, well, should we need it, most of our children will have to choose between providing it themselves or having their inheritance reduced by the cost of the professional alternative. Very little to do with whether we provided free childcare or not.

If/when I have grandchildren, I will of course help and support. But there is a big difference between babysitting for the odd night, weekend, and then providing childcare during the week daily on a regular basis, when you’ve retired, and your child is working full time. I wouldn’t be up for that, but it is an expectation of a lot of mums and dads these days. It’s just not fair to expect that level of child care. If you can’t afford child care then you shouldn’t be having children. And no, I definitely do not expect my children to look after me in old age.

They say it takes a village to raise children
Indeed, but that also meant that the 'village' was entitled to make their own decisions about the children whilst under their care.

Nowadays, parents want grandparents to mere babysitters. They are expected to adhere to a long list of 'do and don't do'. That's not what grandparents are about. They are not there purely to make their kids life easier. They deserve, and more importantly the children deserve to build a bond that is not restricted unnecessary rules.

Being raised by a village mean being exposed by other lifestyles, rules and expectations.

Similar here. I think those of use with children with ALN often end up in the same boat sadly.

No grandparents visit us let alone babysit or provide childcare - though they did for my siblings children for years, which causes deep pain and resentment.