To be sad about grandparents not helping childcare

[ChickenRacer]

Ive heard so many stories about grandparents not wanting to help/be particularly involved with their grandchildren.I understand it’s not all grandparents, but their is a big proportion who just don’t help and support their children when they have small children.

Explanations for this often seem to be that the grandparents did their time parenting and now it’s their time to enjoy life. Which I do understand.

But to me though this seems so sad.

They say it takes a village to raise children - but grandparents are a huge part of many peoples village, so if they aren’t part of the village that’s less support for parents of young children.

This might upset some people, but I also wonder those grandparents that do not feel they want to help with the care of their grandchildren- do they still expect their adult children to care for them in their old age when they themselves need care? Will they pay their children to care for them, as some expect to be paid for caring for their grandchildren?

Please don’t be all upset by this, they are genuine questions.

I have 3 children and for various reasons have ZERO help from grandparents. But I very much hope if I am lucky enough to have grandchildren that I will be able to help my children with them in the best way for them. And I wouldn’t want them to have to care for me in my old age. 🤷‍♀️

It's really sad how many people seem to be almost proud of planning to refuse to do anything for their parents in old age if their parents don't provide free childcare for the grandchildren.

It seems like a spiteful and bitter outlook. Imagine going through life thinking: my parent(s) raise me through childhood, have seen me to adulthood, but if they don't give me free childcare then I'm going to refuse to help them in their old age and see how they like it then.

It varies depending on situation, of course. I live very far from my family, my parents complain that they don't see their grandchildren enough, once or twice a year for a few days.

BUT I was practically raised by my paternal grandparents and my dad's two eldest sisters. Despite this, before I moved to England (which I did when I was 18) I remember casually talking about 'when I had kids' and my mother really nastily snapped, out of the blue, that I'd better not think she'd be babysitting. That really stuck with me. I was with my grandparents every day from 18 months before I went to school, I was collected before and after school, fed dinner, spent every other Saturday day with them, spent 2 weekends a month sleeping over at my aunt's, was taken on holiday, regularly by my aunts, only ever went to the theatre with them.

What you’ve described is called PARENTING, it’s the bare minimum, that was your choice! Your kids don’t owe you for doing the bare minimum that you signed up for.

I help now I'm retired. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to, but I do.

My mother looked after GC and a friend's child. She died before I had any so I had no help. I had to find work around them.

I saw my GPs once a week but they never even babysat.

And if that's the reason you wouldn't help them in old age and infirmity then I think that's pretty poor

Depends on your definition of 'bare minimum'.

Her quote was “my parent(s) raise me through childhood, have seen me to adulthood” you don’t think that’s the minimum expected of a parent?

Yes, but some do that with bells

Yes but there are many ways of doing that. Some require more effort and involvement than others

What you’ve described is called PARENTING, it’s the bare minimum, that was your choice! Your kids don’t owe you for doing the bare minimum that you signed up for.
I've not said anyone owes anyone anything though.

By the time parents are elderly and possibly requiring different levels of care the adult children could have a whole range of situations that mean they can or can't provide care, or opt to be there for their parents whilst other areas of care are arranged by professionals.

It isn't about whether someone does or doesn't end up providing care.

It is very bitter mindset for people to go through their adult life chewing themselves up about how they'll get their own back on their elderly parents in a stupid tit for tat that they've created. Imagine spending your children's childhood inwardly frothing about how awful it is that your parents won't provide your childcare and then being proud of how you'll refuse to any care to get your own back. It seems a sour way to spend the years.

I don’t know what is wrong with you or what you aren’t understanding? I’m talking about her specific quote. That IS the bare minimum, it’s what’s expected of you. 🤦‍♀️

I have made it very clear to my children that I did not have them so they could wipe my arse when I'm old. I think that is a really cunty thing to expect.
And I am perfectly prepared to take care of any grandchildren i may have, when the time comes, despite having zero help myself.

It is very bitter mindset for people to go through their adult life chewing themselves up about how they'll get their own back on their elderly parents in a stupid tit for tat that they've created. Imagine spending your children's childhood inwardly frothing about how awful it is that your parents won't provide your childcare and then being proud of how you'll refuse to any care to get your own back. It seems a sour way to spend the years.

I don’t know if this passive aggressive post is aimed at me because I haven’t said anything like that in this thread, but it’s unreasonable for GP to expect their kids to become caregivers to them. I don’t live anywhere near either of my parents and I had no idea GP expected that from their kids. Are you expecting your kids to do that for you??? Because that’s pretty selfish. I don’t think GP are obligated to look after their Grandkids either.

I have often wondered the same thing @ChickenRacer My DD is 14 & we never had any help whatsoever, this was one (not the only, but one) of the reasons why we didn't have any more children.

Obviously now DD is at an age where doesn't need 'looking after' any more, but the biggest issue I have now, is that she has no relationship/connection to her GP's and this is making life really awkward especially when it comes to family occasions, Christmas/birthdays etc...as she doesn't want to come and this is becoming very difficult/awkward.

The whole situation has caused a rift between myself and my parents also, I didn't intend this to happen but my husband & I put DD first with our free limited time and this causes issues as we can never be all together, like other families which is so sad.

This is irrelevant. You chose to have kids. They didn’t choose to get old.

Withholding care when they’re elderly because they didn’t want to be tied to look after your kids that you chose to have just shows that your love is absolutely conditional. Emotional blackmail is just not pretty at all and shows a rather disgusting level of entitlement.

Nothing wrong with me,

I thought we were allowed to comment on here.

Rudeness is extra

don’t know if this passive aggressive post is aimed at me because I haven’t said anything like that in this thread, but it’s unreasonable for GP to expect their kids to become caregivers to them. I don’t live anywhere near either of my parents and I had no idea GP expected that from their kids. Are you expecting your kids to do that for you??? Because that’s pretty selfish. I don’t think GP are obligated to look after their Grandkids either.

It's a general observation of the thread with people acting like they'd have considered doing things for their parents in old but won't because they've not been given free childcare.

As I've already said, nobody is obligated to give care to anyone, be it grandparents providing childcare or adult children taking on caring responsibilities.

People adopting the attitude that they'll not bother to help their elderly parents on principle unless their parents pay their their way by providing childcare is an unpleasant attitude that some people seem to have on here though. It turns family relationships into a conditional one and one driven by transaction where people are only investing in relationships for what they can get out of it.

I didn't have help as both DGMs were dead and one DGF lived 300 miles away.
My DF lived 50+ miles away and was too old. However, he adored his DGC and they him. The rest of my family were nowhere near either but we had a great relationship with all of them

So we cultivated friends and we sat for them and they sat for us. Simplest solution

Lots of grandparents still work in their 50s and 60s! So they are now expected to give up their weekends or any free days to look after children, or they are looked down on. Ad hoc babysitting is fine, but being expected to give up any free time to look after grandchildren is a bit much.

I hope to be do some care for any grandchildren but I'm likely be in my 70s/80s when that happens. I don't expect my children to wipe my bum if I ever need it. I'd rather pay for carers even if it means using my savings. I bet we have an aging population, but the majority of elderly people still don't end up like this. We won't all need carers.

fishonabicycle
Agree with you.The expectation side of things is what's unreasonable, especially when to turns into tit for tat.

I have no desire to provide intimate care to my parents. They agree. I'd happily provide other care and support for them. They don't live close to us so provide no grandparent childcare. The idea of refusing to support them in old age because they've not given me free childcare feels wrong and isn't the sort of transactional and conditional relationship I want to have.

My in laws were local, retired and healthy and comfortably off.
They didn't want to help with their grandchild or babysit. They did ask us over for lunch a few times a year, and that was about it.

I feel no compunction to help them out now that they are older and they have no relationship with my adult dc.

It's a shame but their choice 🤷‍♂️

@Spoldge45 it's like this with my dd who is a few years older than yours... I let my dd choose to stay home if she wants to, even at Christmas etc

It costs £10k a year in childcare now as the minimum the nursery will take them is 2 days a week. All because my parents don't want to help out for 6hrs a month each.

You do in fact expect childcare. It’s obvious from this statement.

Ultimately as the comments on this thread show very clearly, there are some people with extremely screwed uo views of family, that think children should always be in the care of their own parents and should never be spending some of their time with extended family. It's unnatural and weird and extremely selfish. Nobody can stop people behaving like that to younger members of their own family, treating them as some kind of inconvenience they can't be bothered with. But they should really at least have the decency to own the fact that they have no real sense of what a family is, what the word means, and that just doing what suits you and not caring about your adult children or their children and seeing spending time with them as an inconvenience speaks volumes about what sort of person you are: not in a good way.