He called his ex when drunk

[confuseddotcom201]

My partner went out and had a few too many.
When he got home I heard him on the phone telling someone he thought of them every single day.
He also said he missed them and something about a holiday.
I snooped on his phone this morning and it was his ex.
Aibu to think he still has feelings for her? They split properly 4 months ago but I think things were rocky for a bit before that.

Yep, OK.
I’m filing this one under: I’m a lazy journalist desperate for a Mumsnet story. This can’t be real.

@confuseddotcom201

People do not think it’s fake.

They are not saying “unbelievable” as in “this is fake” but as in “how on earth can she be thinking any of this is a good idea”.

They can not understand why you would make such catastrophically awful decisions for yourself and your children.

And that’s before you take into account the phone call.

• 4 months is too soon to introduce him to your children as a bf, never mind move him in.
• whether he is in or out of work him moving in will have negative financial implications for you in your situation.

Seriously, pay for some childcare (add it on to your UC claim/use the DLA) if you are struggling.

With 4 kids already and multiple useless fathers the last thing you need is another man in your life.

If you heard him in the phone to his ex, why didn't you ask him about it after?
Batshit this

I am sorry OP but you really need to have a proper think about this relationship.

He started talking to you before he split with his ex, so he's a cheat (monkey branching or an emotional affair is still cheating) he's just switched who he's cheating on now since he's started talking to her on the sly instead.

She split up with him so he had no intention of ending the relationship with her, you were just the affair not the relationship. If she forgives him and tells him he can come back as long as he doesnt see you anymore you won't see him for dust.

4 months is too soon to consider moving in a cheating drunken partner and introducing them to your very vulnerable children. He is so unstable and obviously not in a good place mentally, he needs to get his own place, a new job near you and not be in contact with her. I'd have to give it a year before making a massive commitment like introducing to your kids properly and moving in would be several months down the line from that. (Also as others have said any housing and council tax elements of your benefits will be affected)

Seriously throw this one back before he becomes too intertwined in you and your kids lives. He's not in for the long haul, its the honeymoon period and hes already cheating on you with his ex in your own house. You'll never be able to trust him, don't ruin your life out of desperation. Xx Be strong for your kids (and yourself) OP.

He didn't say he loved her on the phone call.
I do know the life he had with her was complete opposite to the one he will have with me. I think that's my real worry. He'll be hankering for that lifestyle whilst living the reality of family life. I think that's the root of the phone call not that he wants her. Just missing that kind of life.

Oh that’s different I suppose.

Ignore my previous posts. Crack on - sounds like a brilliant idea to move in.

I didn't interrupt the call cos I wanted to hear what he said. I suppose it's always been at the back of my mind.

You haven’t addressed the fact that at the minimum you will lose your rent / council
tax element and most likely your personal element of any UC claim

How do you feel about that
do you think he will be willing to cover the rent and anything else you lose

"I do know the life he had with her" you probably don't though, you got the cheating boyfriend version of the life he had with her, he wanted to sleep with you and he was hardly going to say he loved his partner but he's a dirty bastard who can't keep it in his pants if someone new shows him interest.

I know its easier to believe he misses the life and not her, and maybe he does to some extent but if he really is not enjoying family life with you if not her he will go find someone else without kids eventually since he's a selfish pig and how can you trust someone like that. X

So you think either he wants her or he wants what she represents, which isn't what you can provide.

Mate, continuing this relationship is utter madness.

It would be foolish if you didn't have kids.

Because you do, it's just plain irresponsible.

You’re probably not wrong. You and your children are a novelty for now. If he moves in, the reality of family life with 4 children will soon kick in. He’d be mad not to hanker for the life he had with her.

The reality is that he will get sick of playing “daddy” to your children, find another woman without children, lie to her and say that you are just a friend and then leave you.

How you get them is how you lose them.

He is not over his ex and you are being naive to jump into relationship with someone so quickly when you have 4 kids.

If he was over her, he wouldn't drunk call her. You are looking for another explanation, but you need to accept it and move on. For your sake and for your kids sake. They don't deserve to have someone in their life who will leave in a few months.

You'd have to make a joint claim. If he's working your universal credit etc will be reduced. If he's unemployed the UC would be in both names with him entitled to equal access to the money. You'd be a damn fool to put yourself and your children in that position.

You're going to lose a lot of your benefits if he moves in...

In terms of the emotional side, it sounds like you're willing to be second best in that respect. That's fine if it suits you, but you will always be second choice. He is hardly a catch anyway as he emotionally cheated on his ex and lied to you about the relationship. It's a shitshow...but you know that. Bask in your shitty life choice and own it.

Thank you for all your replies. Even the really harsh ones. It's opened my eyes to a few things I'd never even considered.

The thing is I do know something's about their relationship. They travelled and holidayed. Expensive weekends in London. Drinks dinners events theatres. I suppose my fear is I can not compete with that. He reassured me those things didn't count if it's not with the right person. But how long before he's bored of the school run and trips to the park.

If you've been together at most four months and only see him once or twice a month then how many times have you actually met the guy?

@confuseddotcom201

OMG I can’t believe you are asking this.

If you move in a partner then anything means tested is reduced or lost entirely (everything bar the DLA, and ESA if you yourself are disabled and in support group). It is treated the same as if you’d married him.

And if you try to diddle the system and not tell them he’s moved in, you could end up with a prison term and your kids in care.

You could lose rates/council tax etc reductions too.

And a lot else. It’s absolutely massive and will impoverish you.

You are FAR better to maintain separate households in your situation.

If you were both working full time then moving in makes sense. On benefits. No.

@confuseddotcom201

Read this, it is called a survival guide for a reason!!

https://www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/survival-guide-living-partner-and-benefits

And again, check your figures

https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

Ps if you are on tax credits you will have to stop your claim and go for UC which is shit by comparison.

Literally I would stop with all this Willy Wonka nonsense of worrying about him missing out on theatre breaks.

And start worrying that this guy could impact you being able to feed and clothe your children.

Have you even looked up how your benefit entitlements would change by moving him in OP? You'd at minimum lose your single occupancy council tax discount. At minimum.

OP go back to your first post and click on see all and read all your posts back to yourself. It doesn't make good reading. Being lonely is not pleasant but being used is even worse.

Dump him and concentrate on your kids

I thought my benefits wouldn't be affected that much due to child having a disability. I thought his wages would make up for loss of benefits.

I'll check the calculator

That relies on him making up the difference though.

And then when you break up and he leaves, you have to reapply all over again as a single person and wait for the claim to be assessed and approved or rejected. Leaving a gap in income in the meantime.

OP you absolutely aren't making a decision in the best interests of your children if you move him into their home this soon. Even a year in would be too soon. Let alone sixteen weeks.

@confuseddotcom201 Speaking from experience - definitely not.

The phrase “absolutely fucked” comes to mind.

This is hugely serious, you need to work out the financials in fine detail before moving in with someone. Use the calculator I linked you and read the guide too.

Most of all you need an actual long term, solid relationship before progressing.

You have seen this guy a handful of times for 4 months. You’d need to have him as a proper Bf in your life for about a year or two and really know him.

You and the kids are too vulnerable to be going along the path you’re choosing currently. Please be careful in all regards.

Take care.