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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He called his ex when drunk

404 replies

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 11:44

My partner went out and had a few too many.
When he got home I heard him on the phone telling someone he thought of them every single day.
He also said he missed them and something about a holiday.
I snooped on his phone this morning and it was his ex.
Aibu to think he still has feelings for her? They split properly 4 months ago but I think things were rocky for a bit before that.

OP posts:
electriclight · 06/05/2023 16:27

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 15:51

Thank you for all your replies. Even the really harsh ones. It's opened my eyes to a few things I'd never even considered.

The thing is I do know something's about their relationship. They travelled and holidayed. Expensive weekends in London. Drinks dinners events theatres. I suppose my fear is I can not compete with that. He reassured me those things didn't count if it's not with the right person. But how long before he's bored of the school run and trips to the park.

But he was doing those things with the right person - because he still loves and misses her, and thinks about her everyday.

I agree that the novelty of four kids will wear off quickly.

I like the sound of his ex actually, refusing to talk to him.

Travelfan2021 · 06/05/2023 16:31

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Im99912 · 06/05/2023 16:58

As I’ve posted previously once he realizes that’s it’s not going to be a free ride
he will be off
If will be off and gone

Tandora · 06/05/2023 17:06

I think that's my real worry. He'll be hankering for that lifestyle whilst living the reality of family life. I think that's the root of the phone call not that he wants her. Just missing that kind of life

OP he hasn’t even moved in yet. He sees you twice a month long distance. If he’s already pining after that old life, he’s not going to last 2 mins after moving in. I think you are projecting all the wrong things here. The right man will be happy to settle in to a family life. This guy’s issue is he still has feelings for his ex. You are second best. He’s not committed. Please don’t move him in with your children.

im sorry things are tough and you are feeling so lonely. I think pp’s have been unnecessarily harsh

IfIGoThereWillBeTrouble · 06/05/2023 17:22

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:33

I suppose I'm just lonely. Being a single parent is hard. Especially when one of your kids are SEN. Not many men will give you a second glance.

That doesn’t mean you have to settle for a man who’s keeping you around as “you’ll do” until he can get back with the woman he really wants. Look for a man who puts you first, not one who sees you a second choice.

you deserve better.

it’s better to be single than be with the wrong man.

Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 17:30

But I don't think he wants to be with her. I know the last couple of months with her were hard.
He has decided to be with me.
That's why I was confused about the phone call.

OP posts:
Bubblyb00b · 06/05/2023 17:46

@confuseddotcom201 he TOLD you he wants to be with you. big difference. you are delusional. you have not been together a year and you're already insecure, unsure, unhappy and jealous of the ex.

monsteramunch · 06/05/2023 17:54

I know the last couple of months with her were hard.

I imagine they were, what with him spending those couple of months talking to you while he pretended she was just his mate...

Robinni · 06/05/2023 17:55

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 17:30

But I don't think he wants to be with her. I know the last couple of months with her were hard.
He has decided to be with me.
That's why I was confused about the phone call.

@confuseddotcom201

He also decided to call and tell her a whole heap of stuff emotionally down the phone. Which would contradict what he’s told you.

I’m sorry but everyone has told you you are flogging a dead horse here, it is not going to run.

And the whole thing is a thoroughly bad idea.

1FootInTheRave · 06/05/2023 17:58

Get some self respect and don't bring your kids into this shitshow.

He still wants her.

Wake up.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 06/05/2023 18:14

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 15:51

Thank you for all your replies. Even the really harsh ones. It's opened my eyes to a few things I'd never even considered.

The thing is I do know something's about their relationship. They travelled and holidayed. Expensive weekends in London. Drinks dinners events theatres. I suppose my fear is I can not compete with that. He reassured me those things didn't count if it's not with the right person. But how long before he's bored of the school run and trips to the park.

So that's what you took out of what every single PP has said? Not anything about THE SAFETY OF YOUR CHILDREN, losing money (unless you commit benefit fraud, which wouldn't surprise me at this stage. You could try the excuse of playing dumb... might work for you). You just do not give a flying fuck about your kids. Face it. It's all me, me, me and then it's about a man who only wants you because he stupidly got caught cheating with you.

Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 18:35

My kids are fine. He's very patient with them and they enjoy him being there. He's definitely not a danger.
I'm just worried I'm not enough.

OP posts:
Robinni · 06/05/2023 18:48

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 18:35

My kids are fine. He's very patient with them and they enjoy him being there. He's definitely not a danger.
I'm just worried I'm not enough.

@confuseddotcom201

You barely know the man.

Everyone has told you that you have not carried out appropriate safeguarding for your children.

Everyone.

This is a casual, short term relationship.

Most would not let a strange man near their children until 8-12 months minimum of a serious relationship.

He sounds pretty messed up and still in love with his ex.

So no, you’re not the person he is in love with on two counts; 4m/8 meetings is not enough time and you aren’t her.

Sort your shit out and get some self worth.

Everyone has given you extremely sound advice to prioritise the safety and financial security of your family and to look for someone better who is emotionally available to you.

If you carry on in this mess you are going to be a single mother of 5.

Stop this wreckless behaviour of crap relationships and single motherhood.

YOU deserve better.

Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 18:55

I've known him a year. By the time he moves here it will be 6 month's relationship. He is not a bad person.

Is there not one single person that thinks the phone call was just too much to drink and means nothing.

Has no one ever made a similar call just because they were drunk and confused.

OP posts:
trisfreya · 06/05/2023 18:58

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 13:07

I know that is the only time he has called her.
She doesn't talk to him. The phone call was 12 minutes. I saw it on his call log. He also asked her why she blocked him.

If she's not talking to him, what was happening for 12 mins?

Just him trying not to cry?

Sure sounds like a committed keeper

aSofaNearYou · 06/05/2023 19:01

Has no one ever made a similar call just because they were drunk and confused

Honestly OP, no. I know that's not what you want to hear but no, I don't think people would do this unless it was something they actually felt.

Travelfan2021 · 06/05/2023 19:04

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

DucksNewburyport · 06/05/2023 19:05

Listen OP. It's possible that he was drunk and talking bollocks. But do you want to take the risk of him moving in with you, when he may or may not have meant what he said? Maybe better to slow things down a bit between you, until he's had more time to demonstrate his commitment to you. It is very quick to move in together even without this happening.

Cc1998 · 06/05/2023 19:12

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 18:55

I've known him a year. By the time he moves here it will be 6 month's relationship. He is not a bad person.

Is there not one single person that thinks the phone call was just too much to drink and means nothing.

Has no one ever made a similar call just because they were drunk and confused.

In the nicest way possible, get a grip.

mischlerischler · 06/05/2023 19:12

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 18:55

I've known him a year. By the time he moves here it will be 6 month's relationship. He is not a bad person.

Is there not one single person that thinks the phone call was just too much to drink and means nothing.

Has no one ever made a similar call just because they were drunk and confused.

Do you really want to move someone to your house and kids lives who might be confused?

You need to wake up. He is with you until his ex takes him back.

Sorry to be harsh, but you sound so desperate and he is using you. Surely it's better to be single than second best.

5128gap · 06/05/2023 19:22

Here's what I think happened.
You man was in a relationship.
He started to take his 'friendship' with you up a notch into emotional affair territory for a bit of added excitement in his life/ego etc. Tells you his (no doubt perfectly fine) relationship is awful. Poor him. Reels you in. Keeps it secret from her.
She finds out and bins him. So he's left with you and might as well progress that as have nothing.
But really what he wants is what he's lost, and he's campaigning to get her bacK. That's what you heard on the phone.
The fact he was drunk didn't make him talk rubbish. It just made him careless and talk where you could over hear.
If you want to continue with him its your choice. You just need to keep your fingers crossed she sticks to her guns. Because if she ever says the word, you won't see him for dust.

TooBigForMyBoots · 06/05/2023 19:24

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 18:35

My kids are fine. He's very patient with them and they enjoy him being there. He's definitely not a danger.
I'm just worried I'm not enough.

Move him in. Encourage your children to become attached to him. Share your home and income with him.

Then put up with him calling/messaging and sleeping with other women until he leaves you less than a year later. Because that's what's going to happen, even if he is nice to the kids during the very few hours he's spent with them.

Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 19:32

But if he risked his relationship with her to talk to me surely I must mean more to him than she does.

If he was happy with her he would never had talked to me or given me a second look. That must mean something.

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 06/05/2023 19:36

It means nothing. Some people like to have someone on the side - always.
She probably blocked him because she was sick of the phone calls, and maybe sick of him seeing other people

Redshoeblueshoe · 06/05/2023 19:37

Also 250 replies and not one person thinks he loves you, he loves her