Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He called his ex when drunk

404 replies

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 11:44

My partner went out and had a few too many.
When he got home I heard him on the phone telling someone he thought of them every single day.
He also said he missed them and something about a holiday.
I snooped on his phone this morning and it was his ex.
Aibu to think he still has feelings for her? They split properly 4 months ago but I think things were rocky for a bit before that.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 06/05/2023 15:07

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 11:59

We are long distance so only see each other once or twice a month. That's why he's looking to move to where I am and financially it makes sense for him to move in.

I can’t even begin to finish reading the thread after this. Fucking hell.

CheersForThatEh · 06/05/2023 15:08

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:59

Why is it a wind up? Is it hard to believe a single parent can find a new relationship? It's all been good and the kids are happy. It was just the phone call that has put a doubt in my head.

It's hard to believe that you would start something with a bloke when he is still in a mess with his ex and look for every reason under the sun to overlook it because you want a relationship so badly. Its bloody disgraceful to introduce your kids to him so early on in your relationship.

Robinni · 06/05/2023 15:08

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 15:04

Yes. I think he is good for my kids. I have 4 kids. They are hard work and I find his support makes me a better parent. My SEN child has behaviour problems so having a second adult around really helps.

@confuseddotcom201

Use the DLA money to pay for a personal assistant.

You don’t need to shag someone to get help. You have the money for it.

Where is/are the father/s?

Bubblyb00b · 06/05/2023 15:10

This cant be real

monsteramunch · 06/05/2023 15:10

A bloke you've been dating four months is staying over at your house with your kids while he so drunk he's making calls to exes proclaiming his feelings for them. And you think it's in their best interests that he moves in. Christ.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 06/05/2023 15:10

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 12:22

I do have children. He's really good with them. That's why I think he's not using me as he's happy to take my kids on.

MAd, absolutely mad. I feel sorry for your kids. Aren't you ashamed of bringing some stranger into your home and giving them access to your children? How foolish can you be?

electriclight · 06/05/2023 15:10

Well this is a sad read. You sound so desperate to believe that he didn't mean it, or that he meant it but won't remember so you can pretend it never happened.

He sounds truly awful. He was in a relationship with you before the last one ended. He lied to you and said she was a friend, so he lied to you both. He is with you because she found out and ended things. Now he is pestering her with drunken calls. Pathetic. And your self esteem is so low you listen to calls, check his phone and let this unemployed cheat move in with you and your kids after four months. Your choices are to wait until he cheats on you too, at which point he exits your children's lives without a backward glance, unless you have one together by then, or you spend the next few years while you're together knowing that, given the chance, he'd rather be with her.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 06/05/2023 15:12

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:33

I suppose I'm just lonely. Being a single parent is hard. Especially when one of your kids are SEN. Not many men will give you a second glance.

I'm a single parent of a child with SEN. I won't lie, I get lonely at times. However I've never once introduced them to a man in such a short space of time (or ever) because I prioritise their wellbeing and stability. As any decent parent would. Don't try and use this as an excuse for your serious lack of concern for your kids.

Im99912 · 06/05/2023 15:12

tell him that if he moves in he will have to cover what you lose in benefits so rent / council tax and your personal JSA amount I think you get more because your looking after a disabled child

see if he willing to cover the rent / council tax and you’re personal amount

i bet once he realises its not going to be a a “ free ride “ he won’t be so keen to move in and play happy families

You will most likely lose the housing element and most likely your personal element of your claim
if your on tax credits you will have to put in a claim for UC which is less generous than Tax credits

your kids DLA amount will stay the same but anything you claim for yourself such as JSA ESA as a single person will be reduced because your partners expected to support you. - and he’s already said he’s happy to move in and take on your kids - but has he understood the financial cost of this to him
I bet you he thinks he can move in and you will still claim .

so at the very most you will lose rent & council tax and will have to pay that .

as I said in my previous post your so desperate to get a bloke living with you you haven’t even given a thought to the financial implications it will cost you and your kids

So I stand by my previous post of stupid and desperate

MammaTo · 06/05/2023 15:13

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 12:22

I do have children. He's really good with them. That's why I think he's not using me as he's happy to take my kids on.

So you’re going to let someone who is still in love with his ex move in with you and your kids?
I don’t know why you’ve posted as you seem adamant to defend his actions to everyone so just crack on.

Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 15:13

I don't understand why people think it's fake.
I started a relationship with someone. I know it's moved quick but I have no childcare. Fathers not involved. He had met my kids before we even got together as I am friends with a member of his family. That's how we met.
I know the end of his last relationship was messy but isn't that the case for most?
I just wanted to know what people thought about the phone call.

OP posts:
Justalittlebitduckling · 06/05/2023 15:13

He’s not over her. Steel yourself in case you’re the rebound. As you say, you may not be but you need to protect yourself and your feelings and try to emotionally distance a bit in case. Sounds like you need to slow things down while he gets his head straight. My DH burst into tears about something quite soon after we were first together because it reminded him of something at his first wedding (he was already divorced when we met). I didn’t see it as a deal breaker but I did back off massively and reassess.

Felicity42 · 06/05/2023 15:14

You've with him 4 months. You see him in person once or twice a month.
That's 8 in person meetings at most?
And he's now moving in with you and your 4 kids.
He's looking for a Mummy to look after him.
What age are your kids?

steff13 · 06/05/2023 15:14

I think "in vino veritas" is a saying for a reason.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 06/05/2023 15:16

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 15:13

I don't understand why people think it's fake.
I started a relationship with someone. I know it's moved quick but I have no childcare. Fathers not involved. He had met my kids before we even got together as I am friends with a member of his family. That's how we met.
I know the end of his last relationship was messy but isn't that the case for most?
I just wanted to know what people thought about the phone call.

Because no one wants to believe someone can actually be this stupid.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 06/05/2023 15:16

No way would I be wanting to start a life with a guy who's ringing his ex to declare any type of feelings for her. The fact that he is even wanting to ring says he isn't over her - being drink doesn't matter - the drink has just given him the confidence to do what sober his was too afraid of.

At least have it out with him rather than just forget about it.

randomusername2020 · 06/05/2023 15:16

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

monsteramunch · 06/05/2023 15:16

I just wanted to know what people thought about the phone call.

Ok that's all you 'wanted to know' but now people have shared their concerns about the impact of this on your children, are you just going to ignore that?

randomusername2020 · 06/05/2023 15:18

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 06/05/2023 15:18

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 15:04

Yes. I think he is good for my kids. I have 4 kids. They are hard work and I find his support makes me a better parent. My SEN child has behaviour problems so having a second adult around really helps.

If you care for your kids at all then you'd hand them over to social services. You aren't fit to call yourself a parent. I'm sorry, I can't even try to play kind anymore.

Im99912 · 06/05/2023 15:19

Your lonely - buy a fucking dog
you want sex buy a viberator

neither of those will put your kids at risk

if you really really loved your kids and had their well-being first and foremost you would not even be considering this shit show

read this weeks papers 2 -3 kids murdered each one by their mothers inability to put them first and only think about their bastard partners wants and needs

I really hope your a troll

Bubblyb00b · 06/05/2023 15:21

@confuseddotcom201 How does it feel to care for, to sleep with someone who desperately loves someone else? You wanted an opinion on the phone call - well, here's my opinion: he is hurt, he loves her, he misses her. He may care about you, but you are of no importance - he will run to her if she as much as moves her little finger. Does it feel good? Because if you had even a milligram of self esteem you would have backed off and not allowed him anywhere near your heart, you home or your kids.

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 06/05/2023 15:21

People think it's fake but they have real doubts over someone who can't see what's clearly obvious & is so unwilling to listen to logic and reason.

I'm sure it is very difficult & lonely ingbe a single mum to 4 kids but how you are addressing your loneliness and difficulties is really bad.

You are with a man who is clearly still in love with his ex and is only with you because she won't take him back. You have introduced him to your children before you even know him yourself which is putting them in real danger. This is very selfish & unwise of you. Not only that but this isn't even a man who treats you well - he is unhung up on his ex.

You really need to stop, expect more for yourself and deal with the loniless and stresses in a more productive & healthy way. Not only for your own sake but for your children too.

Bubblyb00b · 06/05/2023 15:22

But then I do think this is a wind up.

Felicity42 · 06/05/2023 15:22

'yes I think she found out we were getting friendly and dumped him.'

So he was cheating on her with you.

Why will he lose his flat?
Or is he just telling you that.

He told you she was just a friend. That was a lie.
Can you believe anything he says?