Page 7 | He called his ex when drunk

confuseddotcom201 · 2023-05-06T10:44:25+00:00

My partner went out and had a few too many. When he got home I heard him on the phone telling someone he thought of them every single day. He also said he missed them and something about a holiday. I snooped on his phone this morning and it was his ex. Aibu to think he still has feelings for her? They split properly 4 months ago but I think things were rocky for a bit before that.

Original poster

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:51

He does make me happy. He is a lovely person. Circumstances just aren't good at the moment. I know he's worried about losing his flat and he's finding it hard to find a job. He said he will move even if he can't get a job straight away.

OP posts:

Karma2023 · 06/05/2023 14:51

Did you meet him online?

Everyone is lovely at the outset. If you move him in and he changes what will you do, are you strong enough to ask him to leave? Given you know he has feelings for his ex and can't talk to him about it, I suspect you will tolerate awful behaviour just to keep him. That is a risk to your children who are relying on you to keep them safe and provide a good role model.

Thebigblueballoon · 06/05/2023 14:51

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:42

I haven't said anything because I know he'll deny it. He won't admit to any feelings for her. He can be quite cold like that.

Can’t you see how dysfunctional this relationship is, and after only four months?! You aren’t thick or stupid like the nasty commenter suggested above, but you do have your head firmly stuck in the sand here. This isn’t a relationship. He isn’t over his ex. It’s a situation of ‘convenience’ for both of you, it seems. Please take the power back here - firmly tell him what you heard and end this ‘relationship’.

Merryoldgoat · 06/05/2023 14:51

@Im99912

It’s an unpopular view but I agree with your post entirely.

randomusername2020 · 06/05/2023 14:52

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:53

I think I will still receive benefits as I get disability benefits that aren't impacted by benefit cap and income.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 06/05/2023 14:54

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:51

He does make me happy. He is a lovely person. Circumstances just aren't good at the moment. I know he's worried about losing his flat and he's finding it hard to find a job. He said he will move even if he can't get a job straight away.

Great. So he moves in with you with no job. Then you have to claim benefits as a family. And suddenly your finances depend on him.

Why would you do that?

Original poster

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:56

Why would I rely on him financially? The benefits would stay in my name surely.

OP posts:

TheNewSchmoo · 06/05/2023 14:56

Im99912 · 06/05/2023 14:41

I’m sure MNHQ will delete this post but I don’t care
Your either really thick
or really thick & stupid & desperate for a bloke

if he moves in you will lose a large portion of your benefits ( you said you don’t work because one of your kids has additional needs ) so that’s something to think about
he goes from being single and having plenty of cash - to a complete family he has to support - do you think he will be happy about that- have you even discussed this with him in your week long relationship

have you not read the press or seen the news recently several young children abused and then killed by their mums partners .

women who quite frankly like you put themselves and their relationship above their kids and their kids pay for it with their lives

because let’s face it it’s clear that’s what you are doing your putting yourself and your wants and needs above your kids .

he dosent love you - that’s perfectly clear from the phone call he made drunk or not
he loves his ex and would like to be back with her

so he sure as hell isn’t going to love your kids and be a good role model to them

I really hope your a troll but sadly it’s pretty clear that their are plenty of women like you willing to sacrifice their kids in order to have a bloke

This post is spot on. You are infuriating. Your poor, poor children, that he has been pleasant to on the handful of occasions he has seen them.

You actually want to move a virtual stranger into their safe space because you feel a bit lonely?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 06/05/2023 14:56

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:51

He does make me happy. He is a lovely person. Circumstances just aren't good at the moment. I know he's worried about losing his flat and he's finding it hard to find a job. He said he will move even if he can't get a job straight away.

Do you have absolutely no pride?

flutterbyebaby · 06/05/2023 14:57

This has to be a wind up

Bubblyb00b · 06/05/2023 14:57

OMG you are his rebound. He is not over his ex. He is using you to either get back at her or as an emotional plaster. Do not move him in and please leave your kids out of it.
Do you know what is going to happen? He will either get back with her or will get over her (using you as a crutch) and find someone else - new and shiny. Speaking from experience here!

Original poster

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:59

Why is it a wind up? Is it hard to believe a single parent can find a new relationship? It's all been good and the kids are happy. It was just the phone call that has put a doubt in my head.

OP posts:

Robinni · 06/05/2023 15:00

@confuseddotcom201

You need to use a benefits calculator now and assess the impact of him moving in. With an SEN child you haven’t much of an option to work and you are going to be left impoverished by this relationship as I cannot see Mr Weepy wanting to pay for an adult and two children he’s known a short period of time.

https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

Stuff his feelings and you being lonely.

You have two kids.

You will lose a shit load of money.
They will have a virtual stranger in the house, so will you as you barely know him.
And the relationship is unstable.

Again, get shot of him.

Work on your confidence and self esteem, go to courses if you can and take up hobbies (even online)… get yourself into the position of going back to work or doing something for yourself. Put all of your energy into you. And someone decent will come along…

I wouldn’t move anyone in before a year maybe 2. You need to really know someone.

Turn2us Benefits Calculator

Use the Turn2us Benefits Calculator to find out which welfare benefits you may be entitled to.

https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

randomusername2020 · 06/05/2023 15:00

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

monsteramunch · 06/05/2023 15:01

He said he will move even if he can't get a job straight away.

In with your children?

OP you're being incredibly irresponsible.

Especially, tbh, if one of your children has SEN and therefore stability and consistency is likely even more crucial for their wellbeing than other children.

You didn't answer the second question I asked - here it is again:

2 Do you genuinely believe that him moving into your home would be in the best interest of your children?

MaybeWednesday · 06/05/2023 15:04

So have I got this right?

You had an affair with him for 2 months before they broke up (she kicked him out).

Now he's lonely and isolated and wants to move him with you as it makes more financial sense. After only being together 4 months (2 of which he was with someone else).

Then he's on the phone to ex nearly crying and saying he misses her.

So basically he had an affair with you, his ex has blocked him and he's regretting it and using you until he can talk her round.

And your children, one of whom has special needs, is involved in this Shit show.

Blimey this is better than Jeremy Kyle. But your poor poor kids. :(

Original poster

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 15:04

Yes. I think he is good for my kids. I have 4 kids. They are hard work and I find his support makes me a better parent. My SEN child has behaviour problems so having a second adult around really helps.

OP posts:

monsteramunch · 06/05/2023 15:04

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:59

Why is it a wind up? Is it hard to believe a single parent can find a new relationship? It's all been good and the kids are happy. It was just the phone call that has put a doubt in my head.

It's been "all good"?

You've been together four months.

He lied to you from the start, saying his partner was just a friend.

He lied to his partner, keeping you a secret from her while he made you like him as more than a friend.

He has tried to get in touch with her more than once, or he wouldn't know she had blocked him.

You're already going through his phone.

You're both being incredibly irresponsible by planning to move him in, despite all of the above.

Four months in.

Sixteen weeks.

Come on OP, you must know this is madness.

Robinni · 06/05/2023 15:05

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:59

Why is it a wind up? Is it hard to believe a single parent can find a new relationship? It's all been good and the kids are happy. It was just the phone call that has put a doubt in my head.

@confuseddotcom201

It’s hard to believe you’ve been incorporating him into your children’s life when you have only been in a relationship with him for 4 months. And you’ve had him in the house drunk with them and staying overnight….

It’s hard to believe you haven’t considered you’re liable to lose 10k+ and be shackled and dependent on him.

And it’s hard to believe you wouldn’t immediately realise he’s playing you for a mug after overhearing that conversation.

People can’t believe the lack of common sense OP, sorry to say.

Merryoldgoat · 06/05/2023 15:05

Your children need you to make good decisions in their behalf.

Moving a man into their home who you barely know is a poor decision.

My child would be ‘happy’ if he got a chocolate muffin for breakfast every day. Doesn’t mean it’s a good thing.

I’m so sick of all these children bearing the brunt of bad decisions made by their parents.

STARCATCHER22 · 06/05/2023 15:06

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 15:04

Yes. I think he is good for my kids. I have 4 kids. They are hard work and I find his support makes me a better parent. My SEN child has behaviour problems so having a second adult around really helps.

Can I ask what he gets out of this? 4 children that aren’t his and one has behaviour needs that need two adults. He might be a cocklodger but it sounds more like you’re using him.

SpacePotato · 06/05/2023 15:06

He started talking to you when his relationship was breaking down so he had someone to go straight to after they split. Some people just won't be on their own.

You're just the rebound op sorry.
Sounds like given the choice he'd pick her if she wanted him back.

The fact you've only seen him a few times means you don't know what he's actually like as he'll be on his best behaviour so you'll let him move in.

You are worth more than that.

Mumofboys99 · 06/05/2023 15:06

My advice- I would not move in with someone I had only been seeing for 4 months. 4 months is not long. It’s not long enough to be serious. I wouldn’t let my children meet someone who I had only been dating for 4 months either. 4 months is not long enough to trust someone that much. I would even say it’s risky. And after that phone call, that would be it. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

monsteramunch · 06/05/2023 15:07

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 15:04

Yes. I think he is good for my kids. I have 4 kids. They are hard work and I find his support makes me a better parent. My SEN child has behaviour problems so having a second adult around really helps.

This is so concerning.

Four month in, he should not be in a position to be making your parenting easier.

He shouldn't be around so much that they have formed close bonds with him.

He shouldn't be so involved that you are this reliant on him emotionally.

Why?

Because as this situation has shown you, four months isn't nearly long enough to know whether someone is a healthy partner for you or healthy presence in your lives.

He lied to you from day one, while also lying to his ex.

The fact he has encouraged the idea of moving in rather than putting the brakes on means he isn't a decent man. Nobody falls in love quicker than a man who needs somewhere to live.