Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He called his ex when drunk

404 replies

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 11:44

My partner went out and had a few too many.
When he got home I heard him on the phone telling someone he thought of them every single day.
He also said he missed them and something about a holiday.
I snooped on his phone this morning and it was his ex.
Aibu to think he still has feelings for her? They split properly 4 months ago but I think things were rocky for a bit before that.

OP posts:
Bubblyb00b · 06/05/2023 19:41

omg @confuseddotcom201 get a grip HE DOESNT LOVE YOU HE LOVES HER WAKE UP

Milkand2sugarsplease · 06/05/2023 19:42

No, you're kidding yourself. If he risked his last relationship for you, he'll risk his relationship with you for someone else!!!

TooBigForMyBoots · 06/05/2023 19:44

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 19:32

But if he risked his relationship with her to talk to me surely I must mean more to him than she does.

If he was happy with her he would never had talked to me or given me a second look. That must mean something.

Nope. If he thought anything of you, he would have ended the relationship. He didn't. She did. He can't even be with you for 24-48 hours (out of 2 weeks) without phoning her.

And you are unable to be honest and hold him to account for that call. Instead you're asking internet strangers to validate your relationship because he won't.

Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 19:45

Wow really. That's harsh to hear. I'm finding it hard to believe he has no feelings for me.

I don't think he will go back to her though. He could've been with her but he's with me. Don't actions speak louder than words? Especially drunk words.

OP posts:
TooBigForMyBoots · 06/05/2023 19:46

He's not with her because she threw him out and won't take him back.

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 06/05/2023 19:46

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 19:32

But if he risked his relationship with her to talk to me surely I must mean more to him than she does.

If he was happy with her he would never had talked to me or given me a second look. That must mean something.

And now he’s risking his relationship with you to talk to her. Surely same goes, “if he was happy he never would have talked to her”.

The only difference here is that you were available / willing / interested. The fact that she blocked him suggests she isn’t. But if she was to change her mind (or the next person WAS interested), I suspect history would repeat itself, and he’d be off.

5128gap · 06/05/2023 19:49

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 19:32

But if he risked his relationship with her to talk to me surely I must mean more to him than she does.

If he was happy with her he would never had talked to me or given me a second look. That must mean something.

No. They don't think like that. He could have been just fine with her and still fancied a bit of excitement and flattery from talking to you. Something to do while she was out, cooking the tea or whatever. After all, he's meant to be happy with you now but he's still sniffing round her, isn't he?
He wouldn't have thought he was risking anything. He would assume he could get away with it. Either she'd never know or she'd believe him you were 'just friends'. It was probably the shock of his life when she kicked him out.

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 06/05/2023 19:49

I don't think he will go back to her though. He could've been with her but he's with me. Don't actions speak louder than words? Especially drunk words.

He’s not with her because she blocked him to prevent contact. And yes actions do speak louder than words. He was ‘talking’ to you behind her back, now he’s talking to someone else behind yours. His actions show him to be unreliable and disloyal. When people show you who they are, believe them.

Travelfan2021 · 06/05/2023 19:51

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Robinni · 06/05/2023 19:52

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 19:32

But if he risked his relationship with her to talk to me surely I must mean more to him than she does.

If he was happy with her he would never had talked to me or given me a second look. That must mean something.

Men love having their egos massaged and you hero worshipping him and thinking “oh my goodness I couldn’t possibly be good enough for this wonderful, amazing, man.” Will have been quite the ego boost.

He won’t ever have thought he’d be caught out. But he was and now he’s trying to make the best of it. But still misses her.

Women do this too, have emotional affairs leading people on to boost their ego.

Travelfan2021 · 06/05/2023 19:56

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

TheNewSchmoo · 06/05/2023 19:57

How old are your 4 kids.

Robinni · 06/05/2023 19:58

With greatest respect @confuseddotcom201 are you asd yourself…. This would account for your inability to understand him thinking differently to you (and being an absolute twerp) and not acknowledging anyone else’s opinion either…

You seem quite focused on your own agenda, no matter if it is harmful to you, and are unwilling to accept reality.

5128gap · 06/05/2023 19:59

You don't need to believe he has no feelings for you. Because maybe he does. Maybe he finds you lovely and kind and good company and attractive, because you probably are.
But he could think all of those things and still not want to actually be with you, because he wants his real life with the woman he properly loves, but has lost through his deceit and lies.
Truth is, he doesn't deserve either of you. She knows and she's told him. Now it's your turn. Take a leaf from her book and do the same. He's a wrong 'un and you're worth so much more.

Cc1998 · 06/05/2023 20:01

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 19:32

But if he risked his relationship with her to talk to me surely I must mean more to him than she does.

If he was happy with her he would never had talked to me or given me a second look. That must mean something.

And now he's "risking his relationship" with you to speak to her again.

Are you always a massive doormat?

Robinni · 06/05/2023 20:01

Have it out with him.

Ask him wtf was going on.

Put moving plans on hold, until he has proved he is not a moron (personally I’d say he’s 100% proved he’s unreliable and unstable for you… but it’s your life)

Check the finances.

That’s all I can advise.

Wishing you and the kids the best.

Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 20:08

The thing with him moving is he's struggling to pay the full cost of his rented flat on his own when before the bills were split 50/50.
If he lived with me he would pay less as I would still get some benefits.
Also the isolation is not doing him any good.
I feel he is a good man in a difficult situation.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 06/05/2023 20:10

Ok.

Given you don’t care what anyone thinks and that you are happy to ignore his still having feeling for his ex, what do you want?

Not a SINGLE poster thinks it’s a good idea to move him in with your children. You don’t care.

Why even ask given you are not taking any notice? It’s clear no one can make you see sense so stick with your plan and save everyone a load of bollocks.

mischlerischler · 06/05/2023 20:10

OK, this is 100% a wind up. No one is this stupid.

Merryoldgoat · 06/05/2023 20:11

mischlerischler · 06/05/2023 20:10

OK, this is 100% a wind up. No one is this stupid.

After the most recent post I agree.

TheNewSchmoo · 06/05/2023 20:11

Where are your 4 children while you are mooning about spending all day on this? Where were they when some drunk random bloke they see twice a month was there last night?

I really, really hope this is bullshit.

Blablablanamechangagain · 06/05/2023 20:15

Nahhh not buying this. You got snags.
If this is real, and it's a big if, you need to have a long hard look in the mirror.
4 kids, SEN, and you have poached a bloke off a woman who was in a relationship at the time. Move him in, see what happens.

5128gap · 06/05/2023 20:18

This reminds me of the thread about the best friends dad. Similar posting style.

Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 20:19

Honestly it's not a wind up. My kids are well looked after. They were in bed when he got back last night. I heard him come back about 2 in the morning and got up. Then I heard him on the phone so hung back.
My kids are not aware of any of this.
He will be going back to his place on Monday.
He's spent most of today in bed. I will talk to him when the kids are in bed.

OP posts:
STARCATCHER22 · 06/05/2023 20:21

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 20:19

Honestly it's not a wind up. My kids are well looked after. They were in bed when he got back last night. I heard him come back about 2 in the morning and got up. Then I heard him on the phone so hung back.
My kids are not aware of any of this.
He will be going back to his place on Monday.
He's spent most of today in bed. I will talk to him when the kids are in bed.

So he comes to see you 2 times a month (this being his 8th visit) and he’s spent the night out until 2am getting drunk. Who was he with? Why wasn’t he spending the evening with you?

Never mind not being your partner, he doesn’t sound like he’s even your boyfriend. You’re a convenience at best.