Why don't people want to use paid childcare

[cadburyegg]

I've noticed irl some people have a bit of an aversion of using paid childcare like wraparound care, holiday clubs etc because they don't want strangers looking after their children. Their children are in school though so they are being looked after by "strangers" all day.

So they rely fully on their kids grandparents who are often not available so if their shifts clash with their OH then they are stuck but they still won't consider using childcare. They talk about how hard it is to juggle everything too.

These are fairly well off families with mc lifestyles and holidays 3x a year so it's not like they can't afford it. I guess they don't want to spend the money on childcare.

AIBU to not understand this? I'm a single parent and rely on after school clubs and holiday clubs etc. I'd find not knowing what childcare arrangements are happening from one week to the next really stressful!

Of course you have to pay them - just like you pay for settling in sessions with nursery or a childminder.

They're not going to give you their time for free only for you to decide you don't want to use them again afterwards

Would you not leave your child with a childminder for the same reason, or a nanny? Everyone you know was a stranger at some point - and similarly just because someone isn't a stranger, doesn't mean that they're safe to have around your children.

It's quite offensive when you think about it.

It's also very easy to say "I'd never leave my child with a babysitter" when you have family and friends on tap to help you - lots of people don't have that and have no choice but to pay "strangers" to look after their children.

My parents raised me "alone" as both sets of grandparents lived overseas - if they had to work late or wanted a night out, they had no choice but to use babysitters.

Childminders and nurseries don't work evenings and weekends so anyone who works outside of the 9-5 has very little choice.

Maybe if you have the luxury of refusing to use "strangers", you should appreciate how lucky you are to have parents who are close enough and capable to help you out, instead of judging those who don't have that choice.

It can be incredibly distressing, exhausting and frightening for children to be in noisy clubs, organised activities, or with strangers. I don't think most adults I know would cope with it either, at least not without serious effects on their mental health.

Well, that's why we do all we can to create a better society with shorter working hours, more stable communities and more life balance.

Why other parents choosing to be more cautious regarding their childcare arrangements causes other people so much defensive angst is beyond me.

Because millions of people have no choice, and it's actually pretty damn offensive to imply that they're less cautious as a result.

If childcare for your primary age child shuts at six and you have no choice but to work until 8pm, there is no alternative.

Well, that's why we do all we can to create a better society with shorter working hours, more stable communities and more life balance.

Well, of course, but as we don't live in that kind of society, it's not very kind or helpful to belittle parents for using babysitters to care for their children 🤷‍♀️

This kind of comment is exactly what I'm talking about.

How is this helpful? Millions of families have absolutely no choice but to use organised childcare, after school clubs and babysitters so they can work and pay the bills.

Telling them their children are going to end up distressed and with mental health problems is really unpleasant.

Oh it absolutely is offensive, people need to check their privilege!
I suppose some may say it was “my choice” to move away from family (actually what my mum says when I complain about not having help) but generally speaking what if someone just doesn’t have a supportive family nearby, what are they supposed to do?
To be fair my hometown in the countryside is still pretty traditional, many people have lived there their whole lives, have families there, having a babysitter is just not a thing (because you don’t need it) so these comments come from a place of ignorance not even realizing how judgmental they are.
I have lived away from home since I was 19, now living in the US (so very far away) but despite my DH being American his family also lives hours away, so we’re alone. And of course I have to use babysitters for work emergencies or - god forbid - if we want to have a date night. They’re usually someone my DD knows (e.g.a girl that works at a kid’s gym where we go often, or neighbors daughter in her early 20’s) or someone who comes through referrals of trusted friends who used them, so I’m not sure why I’m being made feel like some kind of a monster doing that.
I was taken aback by that comment last time, but next time we have that discussion I know exactly what to tell them.

Honestly no I would use a nursery over a childminder I wouldn’t choose a childminder personally

It's also not very kind or helpful to be judgemental about people who do have a choice and choose not to use babysitters. Each to their own.

Honestly no I would use a nursery over a childminder I wouldn’t choose a childminder personally

What if you had to work and a childminder was all that was available? Lots of parents are in that position 🤷‍♀️

It's also not very kind or helpful to be judgemental about people who do have a choice and choose not to use babysitters. Each to their own.

I haven't been 🤷‍♀️

I assume you home educate to spare your children school.. Which is also noisy, organised and the teachers are strangers to begin with

Because millions of people have no choice, and it's actually pretty damn offensive to imply that they're less cautious as a result.
It's not offensive to point out that people will know some people better than others. 🙄

It's no different to any other relationship.

I would decide whether to leave DC unaccompanied at a playdate based on how well I know the parents or not. Some would make different decisions based on their children's age, temperament, some would prefer to know the family more, others would be happy if they'd had some chats at the gate. There's different thresholds people choose.

Some friends I know allow sleepovers at friends' houses, others don't, others only allow for family friends. They all have different thresholds of what they consider ok for their family and their children. None of them are more or less ridiculous.

It really isn't offensive to point out that there's different levels of knowing someone and different parents will make different choices based on their preferences and situations.

And for what it's worth, this only came about because some posters are claiming people who don't chose to have unknown/minimally known babysitters were "ridiculous". For some reason it really bothers people that other parents don't use adverts/babysitting services.

Yes so much easier when u have family backup. They are usually the ones to comment .. we had neighbours kids in their 20s so I was glad of them even for doctors appointments. Otherwise I couldnt go

I wouldn't hire a babysitter so I could have a night out. After school clubs have more than one staff member, nursery the same childminders often have an assistant and other children around so that seems safer to me.
I know everyone is a stranger etc but I just wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my non verbal DS with someone I don't know., especially if they were putting him to bed.
Even at school there will be adults popping in and out of the classroom, teachers and classes mixing and they are all DBS checked. It feels much safer than hiring some random person off a babysitting site.

And for what it's worth, this only came about because some posters are claiming people who don't chose to have unknown/minimally known babysitters were "ridiculous". For some reason it really bothers people that other parents don't use adverts/babysitting services.

I think that original post was a bit misinterpreted, to be honest. I don't think that poster was calling the parents ridiculous as such.

It came about because people were saying they couldn't go out as a couple because grandparents refused to do childcare.

Other people were pointing out it was a bit ridiculous for them to say they had to stay in when, if they really wanted, they could just get a babysitter like millions of other people do.

That’s not the same as employing someone from online though is it??

And that’s up to them but that’s not my situation. Mine are at school now so not an issue for me personally but no I would have never used childminders, like already said we all have different levels we feel comfortable with for example my dd was invited to a party and I had never met the parents, I didn’t have childcare for my dd and so many said to just drop her and go but personally I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that. That’s not judging others that would

@AllOrNothingSituation but my point is - what if you had no choice?

You did have a choice and chose nursery which is absolutely fine - but lots of people live in areas where nurseries are full to busting and the only option if they want to return to work is to use a child minder.

So I was asking if you were in that scenario, what would you do given that you're so uncomfortable with the setting? Give up work?

Their children are in school though so they are being looked after by "strangers" all day.

Children aren’t being ‘looked after’ by teachers, they’re being educated by them. Slightly different thing?!?

My shifts are different days every week and I work a random combination of day shifts and nightshifts. My husband has mostly regular hours but often has to travel to US for work. Most childcare setups wouldn't be flexible enough for us.

Also, my mum would be highly offended if I tried to send her grandson to a paid childcare setting instead of letting her mind him. I wanted to get a babysitter for an evening recently because I felt like my mum had already had him a lot this week but she wasn't having it.

It’s not about money. There’s a difference between putting your child in a nursery or school where people have degree qualifications and are DBS checked and there’s CCTV and Ofsted and locked doors with keycard entry etc. Vs wraparound care (some random woman in her own home with no cameras and anyone could walk in). Or holiday club (not qualified teachers, no idea who they’ll be, probably in an environment that isn’t secure).

I’m fine with my DC being looked after by strangers as long as there’s security, supervision and accountability. I want to know that nobody can get away with any dodgy behaviour and nobody can walk in off the street.

Why should we have to lie about the issues with using anonymous childcare because some families have no choice but to use it? My DC would be very distressed to be put in a noisy, busy or unfamiliar environment without a known and trusted adult who is guaranteed to be present at all times. This is one reason why I don’t use holiday clubs which only last a week or two and you don’t know the organisers or the other kids.

@Naranjas because not all children are distressed by childcare and they don't all develop mental health issues from it.

Working parents have enough guilt without being told they're traumatising their children for life because they have no choice but to put them into organised childcare.